tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 13, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
how do you know? you didn't even open it yet. well, don't you remember? you asked me to mail it for you. right. why, i guess everybody remembered my birthday except you-know-who. who? oh, i know who, and he knows who and you put who and who together and you get him, that's who. jack? who else? listen, chrissy, are you kidding? i know jack didn't forget your birthday. i bet he's got something for you up his sleeve and he's just waiting for the right moment to spring it on you. you really think so? sure. ( gasps ) what's this? what? oh, hey. i don't remember that being there this mor... jack. yeah? yeah. jack. oh, janet. oh, i knew jack wouldn't forget my birthday. wow. that sneaky little devil.
i don't know. jack! somebody paging? you are quite a guy. chrissy, what are you doing? you know what? chrissy thought you forgot her birthday. her what day? oh, look at him. you can stop acting now. chrissy, you don't want to open... oh... oh, my. oh... oh, my. jack... oh, my. oh, jack... oh, this is... well... this is... this is all wrong. let me take it back. i'll just take it back. no, no. it's absolutely perfect. that's more than perfect. that is sensational. when you said jack would have something up his sleeve i never dreamed it'd be a whole jacket. oh, i've got to hand it to you. good, then hand it right here.
you don't want this fake stuff. here, let me... oh, no, i really love it. oh, jack... i've got to tell you something about this jacket. what are you doing with tears... this is the most wonderful birthday present anybody has ever given me in my whole life ever, ever, ever. oh, jack... oh, jack... here, chrissy, why don't you... try it on? do you think she should, janet? yes, i think she should. come on, honey. well, here, let me help you. all right, all right. oh, yeah... here you go, chrissy. let me just... hey, this is looking real good. put this in here. i'm leaving it... jack! you are not helping. neither are you. will you give me the coat? well, i think maybe... jack! will you stop? what is wrong with you? here, honey, come on. put that in there. okay. and that. turn around.
well? how does it look? oh, chrissy... what do you mean, "oh, chrissy"? it's way too big on her. you think so? yeah, it makes you look... you look older. well, of course-- it's my birthday. that's true. chrissy, look, it's about this jacket. um, i-i've got to explain... what are you making that...? oh, jack. let's see a smile right there. see? do that. oh, jack. how am i ever going to be able to thank you? give me the jacket back. what? no. chrissy... it's okay. h-happy birth-coat... i mean, uh, birthday. gee, mr. roper i had no idea you'd be so understanding. why not? that mistake could happen to anybody.
the expression on chrissy's little face. oh, i can imagine. listen, i'm sure that when the emotional impact wears off tomorrow night i'll be able to tell chrissy. good, good. meanwhile, bring me the jacket tonight 'cause i want to surprise mrs. roper. mr. roper, i told you i would break it to chrissy tomorrow night. good, good.-- but i want the jacket tonight. no, i can't tell her about mrs. roper. she'll be too unhappy. look, we both have a problem. the only difference is, i am married to my problem. so you go upstairs and you get the jacket and you bring it down now. oh, jack, i just saw it! ( laughs ) the present you got for chrissy! it's gorgeous! oh, well, thanks... oh, just the jacket i wanted. and jack gets it for chrissy and my own husband is too... hold it, hold it... i got you one, helen. what? the same jacket. i wanted it to be a surprise. you'll get it tonight. oh, stanley...
you're not cheap. thank you. but i don't want it. what? well, i did want it before chrissy got hers but, well, now it would look silly i mean, the two of us having the same jacket exactly alike. but thanks anyway, stanley. it was a sweet thought. ( sighs ) well... as the good book says-- "all's well that ends well." uh, that's shakespeare's play. well, that's a good book. listen... we solved my problem-- helen doesn't want the jacket. and we solved your problem-- chrissy'll keep the jacket as a birthday present. we only have one problem left. what's that?
no, i can't sneak into chrissy's bedroom and steal the jacket back. because it isn't honest, that's why. besides, i already tried it and the jacket's not there. well, she wore it to work. huh? no, i can't talk to you anymore! bye. what was that? uh, it was an obscene phone call. who were you calling? listen, janet, i-i want to talk to you. oh, yeah, sure. i get it. of course, chrissy isn't here so now you'll talk to me. no, it's about last night. last night? yeah. see, i didn't even know it was chrissy's birthday. oh, please, jack. you don't owe me an explanation... i have to explain about chrissy's jacket. there is nothing to... it's very simple. you didn't know that it was chrissy's birthday. you just happened to go into the most expensive store in town
the most expensive jacket they had and then you just happened to give it to chrissy with a big ribbon on it all on the same day you asked me for money for your lunch. what's there to explain? right. i knew you'd understand. yeah. generous people do very generous things. i wasn't being generous. you were expecting something in return? you bet i am. well, that is the lowest, rottenest most underhanded... janet... i am not finished yet. it is the stingiest, the dirt... janet, i did not buy that jacket for chrissy. i bought it for roper. you bought it for roper? i bought it for roper to give to mrs. roper. you bought that jacket... what? excuse me. you... you bought that jacket for mr. roper to give to mrs. roper on chrissy's birthday? you don't understand, do you? no.
wait a minute. d-do you mean that was mrs roper's coat and it wasn't chrissy's coat? ( imitating rex harrison ): by george, she's got it. i think she's got it. oh, jack... oh, jack. oh, that's wonderful. wonderful? are you crazy? if i don't give that jacket back i have to find $300.00 which may as well be a million. okay, okay, now calm down. all right, first thing-- chrissy's got to be told. janet, i can't tell chrissy. she loves that jacket. okay. second thing-- you got to find 300 bucks. ( groaning ) jack, just... just... just be straight with chrissy. she will appreciate that. she'll hate me. what's a little hate between friends? can't do it. yes, you can, jack. you just go right up to chrissy and you tell her the truth. then you grab the jacket and run before she cries all over it. ( groaning ) see, jack, then you can take the jacket...
and get all of mr. roper's money back. hello, everybody. hasn't it been just a terrific day? oh, hi, honey. hi. ( clears throat ) jack? hi, chrissy. hi. uh, it's about the jacket. i... i go make dinner. no. you go make talk. well, what do you think? i-i love it, chrissy and the point is... that jacket seems to fit a lot better than it did last night. yes, it does, doesn't it? chrissy, you may not like what i have to say, but it does seem to fit a little better, doesn't it? yeah. my friend at the leather shop did a rush job and he altered it for me. altered...? she had it altered. oh, doesn't it look great? altered? uh-huh. oh, jack.
see, i told you there was nothing to worry about. what? me worry? now, watch me from behind. you can see how good it looks, okay? okay. okay? uh-huh. it looks altered. worry. i can't take it back now, janet. what am i going to do? well, can you beg? you wouldn't happen to have $300.00? oh, jack, i wouldn't happen to have 300 cents. well, maybe i can get a loan from school. how? the last time you tried they turned you down 'cause your dad makes too much money. yeah, but this time i'll be smart. oh. changing your whole image, huh? excuse me. well, mr. tripper, your application seems to be in order. i don't see why, uh... wait a minute.
aren't you the student who's living with two girls? yeah. that's me. you look remarkably well. well, i get a lot of exercise. i bet you do. mr. travers i really need this money. do you think i'll be able to get this loan? why wouldn't you get it? well, you turned me down last time. i did? oh, yes. it seems your father makes too much money for you to be considered a needy student. sorry. oh, well, that's all changed now. you see, uh, my father's plant shut down and he was laid off. he's been looking for work ever since and he's used up his, uh, savings. he's down to his last dime and, uh, i'm sure he's heavily in debt by now. what a lucky break. well... you mean that jacket is really mrs. roper's?
poor jack. i just feel terrible. well, chrissy, it is not your fault. yeah. it's not my fault. it's jack's fault for leaving it where i could see it in the first place. right. right. and it never crossed your mind that that was a pretty expensive gift? no. not even when the tailor told you what it was worth? it crossed my mind then. and? well, i just let it cross right out of my mind. i don't blame you, but now you can see why jack couldn't bring himself to tell you about it. yeah. thank goodness. no. you see... i know. we got to help him out. where is jack? he went to school early. he's trying to get a loan. oh, i can't let him pay mr. roper back himself. but what can you do? well, there must be some way a girl can make $3oo in a hurry. uh, uh, chrissy... oh, besides that.
wait. hmm? i am really mad at jack. i thought you wanted to help him. why are you mad? well, i just realized that this means he forgot my birthday. now, exactly what did you want the money for? well, you see it was chrissy's birthday and i bought this suede coat. that's nice. no. i didn't buy it for chrissy. you bought it for your second roommate. no. actually, i bought it for another woman. another woman? uh, she's the landlord's wife. uh-huh. she... she lives in the same building. that's convenient. three women? it's not like it sounds. you have three women all in the same building? you don't understand. i have a girlfriend who lives in westwood. four women? i'm sorry, mr. tripper but i won't be able to approve this loan.
oh, well, thanks, margaret. i knew we could count on you. yeah. okay. bye-bye. hi. hi. i have been on the phone calling all our friends trying to raise the 300 and margaret just came up with 250 of it. 250? you're kidding. no. that brings our total to $5.80. you. but we don't need the money. what? i've got it. all of it. chrissy, how? i held a raffle at the office. ooh, that's a great idea.
i think he was a little angry when he found out the prize was my jacket. what did he expect to win? me. what? well, i guess it was kind of my fault. i went selling tickets from office to office and i told everybody to take a good look at what they were getting. so, naturally... yeah. mm-hmm. they thought that they would get... yeah. oh, only the guys. oh, yeah, right. ( doorbell ringing ) coming! where's jack? i don't know, but why don't you come in? he owes me. $300.00? it's all there. where did this come from? i sold tickets. what? now, you must promise you will never tell jack what i did, okay? he'll never hear it from me.
oh, so sorry. i was looking for mother. wrong apartment. no! come back here, jack. mr. roper wants to have a word with you. oh, how nice. yeah, so, uh, chrissy and i'll just... you stand there and we'll just go out in the kitchen and make coffee. before you say anything i tried very hard to get your $300.00. i tried my friend, the school, everywhere but money is very tight... jack... no, no. hear me out. jack tripper always pays his debts. i'll get a job, two jobs. i'll scrub floors. anything. just give me a break this time. jack, you got to do something for me. i'll do anything. i'll scrub your floors your shoes, your teeth, anything. forget the $300.00. i'll do it. what? forget it. you don't owe me anything. mr. roper, you're talking about $300.00. so what?
and sweep you off your feet. with my luck, his broom will be busted. how are you getting along with alejandro? we broke up. funny. as dumb as alejandro was, i still think i could've made that relationship work... if only i'd been willing to have a lobotomy. what are we doing wrong? john's got a big romance going on, and kirk's in love with that lady from smokenders. and then there's us. at least we'll always have each other. oh, god. oh, god. oh, i'm so glad y'all are here. what's the matter, mary beth? i just talked to michael. he said he can't see me anymore. oh, i'm sorry. yeah. he's moving to ohio monday. if it's any consolation,
take it from us, you will get over it. never. he was the best hairdresser i ever had. oh, god! oh, god! dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john
the group-- about you and molly living together? shh! shh! don't give me none of your "shh! shh!" i tried to tell them, but-- you're still worried they won't approve. well, you're wrong. you just got to tell them. think so? just tell them? sure. i'll help you. gee, thanks, denise. i really appreciate your support. just tell them. all right, everybody. knock off the chatter. ralphie has something to say. it's important you listen to him because right now he's very sensitive and extremely vulnerable. try to have a little compassion while listening to his story. where are you going? oh, give me a break. i already heard it. ralph, don't be shy. tell us what this is all about. o.k. here goes.
uh... it's sort of about me and molly. she's really a terrific girl. i know it's difficult, but when it's over, it's over. quit holding on to the past. i'm not. yes, you are. i went through this when wendy and i divorced. but then jan came into my life and everything changed. you got to let go. yeah, but-- i have a little announcement i think may surprise some here. i was going to do that. ralph, please. john is talking. sorry. sorry. tomorrow night, i'm going to tell jan that i want us to date each other exclusively. oh, john, that's wonderful. who would've thought i'd be going steady with my own dentist? that's it?
look, i've got something... earthshaking to say here. where's red? i got to talk to her right away. it's between me and kate. she's putting money in the meter. oh, perfect. do you people mind? now... what i've been trying to say is a guy can go just so long doing his little bachelor thing. sooner or later-- i got to talk to you. somebody lock that door. what? no funny stuff. i promise. let me hang up my coat. hurry up. about this bachelor thing. see-- is there a kate mccarron here? i want my mother. i'm kate mccarron. i'm jackie, kirk's girlfriend. oh, hi, jackie. we've been looking forward to meeting you.
of course. louise, she was talking to me. oh. well, i wonder what all that's about. all right! attention must be paid. now, what i've been trying-- red. where did she go? in the hall with your girlfriend jackie. oh, no. that's it. it's over. good, because i've got something to say, damn it. you--you despicable, underhanded snake. just when i think you can't sink lower, you find a new bottom. i'm going to kill you. no, kate. come on. you're not going to kill anybody. you're right. first i'm going to make him walk funny. where are the scissors? kate, please. are you serious, kate?
well, mr. sleaze over here told his girlfriend jackie that he and i sle-- sle-- come on, kate. spit it out. s-s-slept together. he's all yours. hey, hey. come on. come on! what? what? so i told a little white lie. kirk, you disgust me. oh, that's gratitude. and after i told her you were fantastic. kate, kate. easy, easy. since you involved kate, i think she has a right to know what's going on. o.k., o.k., john, but go easy. remember, i got feelings. before jackie would let kirk move in, she wanted a list of all the women he had slept with in the past three months. seeing this is the nineties, that sounds sensible.
how can i put this tactfully? kirk has been on a, uh... sort of a... sexual sabbatical. a sexual sabbatical? he's not getting any. look, you see... you see, that's why he put you on the list. he wants to, uh... he wanted to protect his male ego. well, his stupid male ego is still intact. i didn't want to break jackie's heart by telling her you're nothing but a liar, so i played along. all right, red. thank you. thank you. and don't worry. people hear you slept with me,
please, please, please, please! what? it might be best if we got off this distasteful subject and moved on. yes, of course. uh, ralph! you said you had something to tell us. come on, tell us. what, ralph? not if you ripped out my tongue and beat me over the head with it. [doorbell rings] hey. hi. i got to tell you, you giving up cigarettes has really made a difference. do i look better? no. when i was down in the lobby,
i cleared out a closet for you in the bedroom. great. we're going to be roomies. i want you. i want you more. i want you more than that. please, let's not fight. i can't tell you how tough these past three weeks have been. what about me? my sex drive goes from zero to 60 in 4 seconds. what do you say we put the pedal to the metal? you know why i'm so crazy about you? the most important thing to any woman when she's with a guy is honesty. that's what you gave me. nothing turns me on more than honesty. then get ready to be turned on more than you've ever been. i'm ready. i'm about to be so honest, it scares me.
i didn't sleep with kate. i didn't sleep with anyone. i lied to you-- honest. what? what? what? what? you lied to me? yeah. you got to understand, this honesty stuff is new to me. wait, i want to get this straight. after all the sparks that were bouncing off me to you and you to me, after all the energy and love between us, you had so little faith in me, thought i was so shallow, narrow-minded, and insincere, that you were afraid if you told the truth i'd kick you out of my life? yes. that's how i figured it. get out of my life! what?
[humming] "to feast your eyes on a big surprise, just tell your toes to follow each rose." and i'm not published? [telephone rings] oh, damn. yes, hello? uh, ralph, i can't talk now. jan's on her way over, and i have a surprise planned-- what about you and molly? oh, there's the elevator. if you want to talk about molly,
ooh, bad time for an ex-wife to show up, huh? ah...ow...ooh. damn it, wendy. i got a thorn in my lip. you suck a rose, you pay the price. expecting someone? no. i was trying to seduce myself with roses. why are you here? i had to tell you the big news. what's so important that you couldn't torture me over the phone? sit, sit. what? what? john, we're going to have a baby. no, we're not. get off the bed. yes, we are. i'm pregnant with your child. what? oh, this is great. this is just great. this is just perfect.
i don't want anything from you. i just wanted to thank you. ohh, ohh. ohh. did i come at a bad time? oh, god. no. no, no. no, no. jan, this is wendy. wendy, jan. i'm going to take a shower. no, no. oh, please. i--i'm so sorry. i can imagine what this must look like. you must be john's girlfriend the dentist. and you must be his ex-wife, the ex-wife, right? it's nice to finally meet you, jan. i can imagine what's going through your mind, finding john and me in the bedroom together, but there's nothing going on between us. just wanted to tell him we're having a baby. well, good night. sorry, john. i'm really sorry. well, john? i'm thinking. i'm thinking.
there's a perfectly simple explanation for all of this. well, it's not really that simple. in fact, it's kind of tricky. it doesn't really roll off the tongue that easily. goodbye, john. no, jan. wait a minute. please, wait, jan. it's not what you think. wendy pinned me in the bedroom because she was excited. not that kind of excited. it was just a friendly hug. all right. i can buy that. now, what about the part where she's having your baby? well, that's where it gets... a little tricky. uh--uh, please, sit down. um... here. look, wendy called me up a couple of months ago. her biological clock was ticking,
to wind it up? no, no. no, no, no. she asked me to contribute to a sperm bank. she wanted to have my baby by artificial insemination, no strings attached. so i did. oh, so that's what happened. yes. no. look, i--i didn't feel right about it, so i went back to the sperm bank to reclaim my sperm. actually, i broke into the place, and i got arrested. so this is the-- the tricky part? no, but hang in there. we're closing in on it. anyway, they call wendy. she comes down. she wants to talk to me alone. well, i'm in handcuffs. she's not. so she pushes me into an empty room-- now, pay attention. this is the tricky part. wendy...
goodbye, john. no, no. wait, wait. jan, please. i'm no longer in love with wendy. i was going to spend the night telling you how i adore you. i was going to tell you i didn't want us to see anybody else. i can't be with you when another woman's having your baby. jan, i really care about you. i care about you, too, john. but this just cannot work. jan? at least take the roses? no, thank you. goodbye, john.
hi. hi. so what's new with you? uh...jackie and i are history. sorry. what's new with you? jan and i are history. i'm sorry. for the first time, i tell a woman the truth, and she throws me out. crazy, isn't it? if a guy could live without sex, he could live without women. tell me about it. you're damned if you do.
men. they're all the same. why put ourselves through this aggravation? i say we give them up for good. well, let's not be impulsive. men don't like that. let me tell you something. i don't have to take this from you anymore. what's wrong, mrs. philbert? tom hasn't spoken to me since we went dancing. i still say any band who can't play star dust deserves to be mooned. all right, everybody, i've got something to say, and i don't want any interruptions. we're in love, and we're living together. very nice. congratulations. great, ralphie. that's fantastic. hey, didn't you hear what my ralph said? w-what's wrong with you people?
um, i'm sorry, molly, but you have to understand-- it's not easy for me to be happy tonight. jan and i just broke up. aw. aw. so did jackie and me. put walter and me on the list. throw in me and alejandro. tom and i are splitsville. mary beth? be serious, ralph. if i were in love, would my hair look like this? i'm sorry, guys. i didn't know you all got dumped. we didn't mean to gloat. um, if it's any consolation... we're not all that happy. are we, sweetheart? heck, no. he drives me crazy sometimes. yeah, and sometimes this little gal drives me up the wall.
in alphabetical order. sorry, dear. at least i don't put my jelly knife in the peanut butter. well, i don't get up at night to clip my toenails. how am i supposed to sleep with those suckers ricocheting off the ceiling? look, uh... maybe we should discuss this at home. maybe we should. this was just a little trick we played on you to make you feel better. hey, molly. wait up. please don't leave me! captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. it only cost $20. hello, mary beth. hey. are you all right? i guess. i was just thinking about this morning. what happened?
and there he was-- this poor, lonely, despondent soul lying on the sidewalk in front of my building. i can't help but feel guilty. oh, yes. it's a very painful sight. this city can be so cruel. he looked up with those sad, pleading eyes. i was afraid he'd freeze to death dressed in nothing but that lightweight tuxedo. i beg your pardon? that's what he was wearing when he took me out last night. why don't men understand when they take you home that no means no! dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on
i mean, it's pitch black. i'm crawling along on my belly inches from the front. but here's the part you've all been waiting for. so it is. 9:00. good night, everybody. that's the last time i try and teach you how to sneak into a movie. let's help louise clean up tonight. yeah, and then let's head over to clancy's. i have to skip clancy's. i got to take my kid to a soccer game in jersey tomorrow morning. big game, huh? yeah. he promised to score a goal for me because it's my birthday. what are you, kidding? why didn't you mention something about your birthday earlier? we could've had a celebration here tonight. no, no, no, no, no. last year when i turned 45, i decided that was my last birthday.
if you live to be 100, how will you prove it to willard scott? thank you for your concern. i'll have a great day with matt, make myself some dinner, turn on a little sinatra, and soak in a hot tub. that reminds me of my 40th birthday. i hopped into a hot tub... turned on tommy dorsey. i tried to turn on jimmy, too, but he was such a prude. john, i hate the thought of you spending tomorrow night alone. can't we take you out to dinner? at least come to my place for a drink. yeah, there you go. i just said... oh, now i get it. i come over to your place for a drink, and you pop out, yelling "surprise!" not really.
a surprise party was the last thing on our minds. yeah. oh, really? good. that's just the way i want it. see you all next week. good night, john. damn! there goes our surprise party. we'll never get john over to your place. great! after i spent the last two weeks making confetti. why don't we have the party at john's? and how do you propose we get in? we'll use my key. john gave you the key to his apartment? not exactly. he loaned me one so i could watch the knicks game. i made myself a spare. you are despicable. i think kirk's got a good idea. oh, this is going to be a smashing party. john's going to be totally surprised.
how we fixed his antique watch. speaking of which, now that john's gone, let's see it. kirk? oh, um... well, about the watch... you didn't remember to pick it up, did you? i've got a life, you know? when i got to the jeweler's, they were closed. oh, splendid, kirk. just splendid! it's fascinating the way you can screw up even the simpltask. not as fascinating as the way your skirt rides up when you shift in your chair. does not. made you look, made you look. oh, good. you're still here. do you have some paper plates i could borrow for my overeaters' group? you'll find what you need in the storeroom. help yourself, dear. now, listen up, you chowderhead! first thing tomorrow, be at that jeweler's.