tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 14, 2016 9:00pm-11:00pm PST
can i borrow your brown eyeliner? sure. what are you reading? it's called chorum: a study of personal relationships. oh, a dirty book. it is not a dirty book. it is a serious look at modern-day problems of man aom and a couple of people who had a crack at being both. that's what i said-- a dirty book. chrissy, it is filled with scientific facts and figures. they're really fascinating. do we have a tape measure around here? yeah. it's in the kitchen drawer. what do you want it for? i want to measure my head. see, they have this theory in there that you can measure a person's virility by the size of his skull. now, see what i mean? scientific. oh, chrissy, honey, just one more thing... could i borrow your tan skirt? oh, sure. and the plaid shawl? i thought you said "one more thing." well, they go together.
oh, thank you. david will love it. you know, i was just thinking... what? there's more of me going out with david then there is of you. chrissy, read this. uh, 22 inches. 22, huh? yeah. hang on. what a crackpot theory this is. well, why don't you let your hair grow and measure it again? ( phone rings ) no. hello? no, this is chrissy. oh, uh, hi, chrissy. uh, this is jerry randall. look, uh, pumpkin and i were going out at 8:00 but, uh, what with the traffic we thought we'd better leave at 7:30. would that be all right? yeah. you want a second opinion? uh, would you please ask janet? you want a third opinion? no, no, no, no.
you see, she's baby-sitting for us. she promised weeks ago. she did, huh? oh. okay, i'll tell her. 7:30. right. bye-bye. i'm all ready. uh, aren't you forgetting something? why? don't i look all right? oh, no, you look great. thank you. i just hope he doesn't wet himself all over your skirt. david? no, the randalls' baby. what? jerry called and said you promised to baby-sit for them tonight. oh, no. oh, chrissy, i forgot. hey, don't worry. i'll take your place. will you really? sure. oh, thanks. where's david going to be taking me? no. chrissy, honey, please...? you got to help me out here. no, janet, i will sit with anything but babies. oh, chrissy. no.
( clears throat ) jack... sweetheart... absolutely out of the question. no way. never. not a chance. impossible. don't beat around the bush, jack. yes or no? why don't you try mrs. roper? oh, good idea. uh-uh. bad idea. huh? she's in bed with the flu. oh, no. i'm telling you, helen this cooking is not a job for a man. i'm worn out. well, all you did was boil an egg. what about the toast? don't forget the toast. where is it? caught on fire. i threw it out in the garbage. well, why didn't you make me another batch? because that was the last of the bread. oh, wonderful. well, don't blame me if you don't remember to go shopping before you get sick. where you going? maybe i ought to sleep on the couch tonight.
well, you've got the flu. all those germs and everything. oh, you don't have to bother, stanley. you never get close enough to catch anything. helen... ah, ah... ( sneezes ) oh, janet, i don't know one end of a baby from the other. i mean, if i were going to put a diaper on it would probably suffocate. oh, please, please, chrissy. the randalls are old friends. i can't let them down. i'm scared of being alone with a little baby. well, jack... could go with you. no way. uh-uh. i got a date with a tv set tonight. lakers are playing portland. well, you could watch it on the randalls' set. their set's much better than ours. it is? sure. ooh, and they have a fabulous bar. so? you know all those fancy liqueurs you've been dying to cook with but you can't afford...? they have them all. really?
well, if it'll help you out. how about it, chrissy? how would you like me to fix you crepe suzettes a la grand marnier curacao benedictine? well... ( doorbell rings ) oh, come on, that's david. will you do it? i will if chrissy will. okay. oh, chrissy, honey, thank you. thank you. oh, what... okay. thank you, too. jack! it's only one night. hi, david. hi, janet. you look lovely. oh, thank you. did you find the place all right? yes, i did, thank you. meet my friends jack and chrissy. hi, jack. chrissy. hello, david. and what wonderful things have you planned for you and janet this evening? oh, it's a special recital of 14th-century music with natasha angranovich on the clavichord. she's going to play her collarbone?
i see. ( clears throat ) 14th-century music? yes. oh, wow! maybe i should've stuck with the baby-sitting. pumpkin, pumpkin, pumpkin, it's 7:30. hasn't the baby settled down yet? oh, no, not yet. he's still kicking like crazy. he's going to be a football player, this one. no, i meant jonathan. oh, him. oh, he's fine, yeah. oh... that was a field goal. look, are you sure you're going to be all right? oh, sure. dr. james says it's not going to happen for at least another two weeks. ( doorbell rings ) yeah, and seven months ago he said it was indigestion. oh, hi. hi, jerry. janet couldn't make it so we're going to baby-sit instead if that's okay. oh, fine. sure. that's awfully kind of you. come on in. uh, pumpkin, uh, you know chrissy. and this is, uh... jack. he's going to baby-sit with me.
no, no. this is number two. is it going to be a boy or a girl? i certainly hope so. jonathan's in the bedroom. come on. well, i'll just show you where the bottles are. yeah, i've been looking forward to this. they're right here in the refrigerator under the bar. chrissy: oh, he's so cute. how old is he? pumpkin: almost a year. boy, you hardly had time to catch your breath before you were off to the races again, huh? right. jerry thought that having another baby would be a good cure for postnatal depression. well, we shouldn't be getting back too late. oh, don't worry about that. uh, where, uh, do you keep your tv set? right there. but it's out being repaired now. what...? pumpkin, pumpkin, come on. it takes a half hour just to get there. all right. all right. you take all the pleasure out of being late.
oh, we will. thanks. have a good time. thanks a lot. bye-bye. bye. bye. ( makes clicking sound ) ( gasps ) wow! look at that color. oh, chrissy, they get much better reception than we get. you know, if i could read lips i could see what kareem was saying to walton under the basket. oh, boy, this is exciting! oh, look! walton's up, he shoots! all right. all right. so you miss a basketball game. there'll be another one next week. ( monotone groan ) hey, why don't you go get some of those liqueurs and start cooking? well, at least there's that. janet was right. they got everything in here. ( whining groan ) it's locked. this is super. no liqueur, no cooking, no tv! will you stop complaining? chrissy, i just thought of something. our apartment's empty. and somebody could walk in and steal our tv set.
please let me go. no! no, you're not leaving me here alone. you sit down. read this. it's not going to do you any harm to spend a nice peaceful evening at home for a change. ( baby crying ) he got so red in the face. yeah. oh, babies are so cute when they're trying... chrissy, i'd rather not talk about it anymore. where do i put this? in the bathroom. i'm glad he finally got to sleep. you know, if we just be quiet we could have a nice, peaceful... ( phone rings ) chrissy, get the phone. it will wake up the kid! well, i don't know where it is. well, look! find it! look for the cord!
shh. shh. hello? i'm sorry, i was ringing as quietly as i could. did i wake the baby? uh, no. good. look, uh, pumpkin went into labor right in the middle of the appetizer. what? yeah. pain every five minutes. i had to drive her to the hospital. so, i'll be getting back a little later than i expected. uh, in the meantime, fix yourself another drink. oh, well, i haven't even had one yet. uh, the cabinet's locked. i'm sorry. i should've told you. the keys are in the desk. good-bye. all right. bye-bye. jerry said pumpkin's having the baby. oh, no. that means we're stuck here till he gets home. that's all we needed. well, at least we can get at the liqueur. this is locked. that's all we needed! ( baby cries )
there was a young lady from wheeling... whose bust was so huge... jack... what are you doing? you told me to sing to jonathan. that's what i'm doing. not dirty limericks. well, how did you know it was a dirty limerick? i haven't even gotten up to that pararyet. ( snarls ) will you... stop it... being so silly. okay, i won't sing to him anymore. i shall read him a story. ah! "percy puff puff and his little red tooter." would you like that? ( cooing ) okay, we'll go with "percy." it's... ( goofy voice: ) "'oh, what a lovely day'
'toot!'" tooted. "sammy the signal raised his arm "as percy passed by. "'where are you going?'" said sammy. "'i'm on my way to the seashore,' said per..." what? could you go back to "there was a young lady from wheeling"? this wasn't written for you. it was written for him and me, okay? well, excu-uu-se me. "percy's little tender behind... him was full of lumpy coal for the journey." you did good. i did? you bored him to sleep. oh, wait a minute. i want to see how this turns out. you're not really going to read that? oh, yeah. it gets real sexy later on. percy has a thing going with daphne diesel engine. you're nuts, you know? no, really. what do you think was making percy go
boy, it's 11:30. i sure hope pumpkin's all right. ( phone rings ) hello? oh, uh, chrissy, hi. no, nothing's happened yet. but the doctor says it could be any minute now. uh, look, the thing is i promised pumpkin i'd be there at the birth. yeah. watch the whole thing. so if you wouldn't mind staying a little longer. but we were... see, well... sure. okay. let me talk to him, chrissy. hello? yeah. everything's all right. where do you keep the key to the writing desk? you want to write something? no, i want some liqueur. that's in the liquor cabinet. help yourself. good-bye. no, no, wait, wait. i know it's in the liquor... oh... damn! don't swear. ( jonathan crying ) oh, damn!
i had a lovely evening. did you? no, but i'm trying to be polite. you don't like 14th-century music? not to listen to. think of it as spinach. you may not like it, but it's good for you. that's cute. that's real cute. david, listen i would love to invite you in but, see, my roommates are home. so, if you don't mind... good night, david. ( phone ringing ) hello? oh, hi, chrissy. how's it going? ooh, gee. how long has he been crying? uh-huh. okay, honey, this is what you do. you know the medicine chest in the bathroom? well, there's some cotton balls in there. just stuff them in your ears. yeah. well, that's what i do. hey, if you're so worried why don't you call mrs. roper? she used to work in a hospital. okay, honey. bye-bye. aye... ( yells ) so you're, uh... all alone.
well, now, i will be... just as soon as you leave. oh, hey, hey. can't a thirsty guy get a drink around here? oh, sure, you can. what would you like? oh, scotch and soda. great! you can get that at the regal beagle. it's right around the corner. good night, david. thanks! ( crying ) "'oh, what a lovely sand castle,' said percy puff puff." see the little sand castle? hi. what did janet say? she doesn't know. do you think he's teething? what? do you think he's teething?! no, chrithy, i'm thure he's therious. aren't you worried at all? you're responsible for that baby. i am not. i've only been in l.a. for six months. well, i'm going to call mrs. roper. okay, now, what...? now, be quiet. come on. where were we?
( stops crying ) aw, you went to sleep. aren't you sleepy...? ( jonathan bawling ) ( jack bawling ) ( phone ringing ) ( snoring ) oh, you're a big help. ( ringing ) stanley... stanley. not tonight, helen. maybe tomorrow night. oh... i said maybe tomorrow night. hello. oh, chrissy! oh, no, no, no. you're not disturbing me. nothing ever disturbs me in bed. ( sniffles ) yeah? oh. oh, yeah, i used to work in a hospital. in the laundry room.
( chuckling ) oh, oh, well, maybe it's gas. or, or maybe he needs changing. oh, look, well... did you feel his bottom, chrissy? what? whose bottom? quiet, stanley. listen, rub some oil between his legs and sprinkle some powder. what?! go to sleep, stanley, or i'll breathe on you. hey, listen, chrissy, i've got an idea. try putting some honey on his nipple. what?! well, we'll try anything. it's all right. he went to sleep. mrs. roper? hi. yeah, he let out one big burp
all right! what?! hi. what happened last night? oh, you don't want to know about that, janet. jack, why didn't you guys come home last night? ( phone ringing ) hello? um, why did the two of you spend the night here? janet, janet, you're a woman of the world. no, i'm not. you would be if you spent the night here. what? oh, congratulations! okay, okay, bye-bye. that was pumpkin. how is she? her mother's coming over here right now. why? she had a girl! seven pounds, ten ounces. her mother? no. pumpkin. oh, wow, that's wonderful. why is her mother coming over? jerry had a concussion. how much does it weigh? chrissy, honey, what are you talking about?
yes, more, please. jerry fainted during the birth and hit his head on the floor and they're holding him for observation. we're never going to leave here! we're stuck here for life! ( doorbell rings ) jack, honey... oh... good morning. i'm pumpkin's mother. where is my grandson? shh. he's still asleep. still asleep? at this hour? that's terrible. well, it's lucky i'm here. his breakfast has to be made his diapers washed, his bed changed. is his bath ready? oh, don't ask us. we're the night shift. you want the day shift? what? let's get going. he likes cereal for breakfast. make sure his bath isn't too warm and we mustn't forget his little rubber duck. uh, lady, lady... listen, lady... we mustn't forget his little rubber duck. no, jack... jack, jack... have a wonderful time. jack, jack... chrissy...
guys...! well, don't just stand there. get cracking, get cracking. yeah, right. cracking, right, cracking. creeps. ( jonathan crying ) no! [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational fou well, we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up we finally got a piece of the pie fish don't fry in the kitchen beans don't burn on the grill
that hill get up just to now we're up in the big leagues gettin' our turn at bat as long as we live it's you and me, baby there ain't nothin' wrong with that we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up
oh. hey! i'm-a papa panelli. papa panelli! i didn't recognize your voice without the mustache. your name is jacobs. why y call your places panelli? when you hear "panelli," you think italian. i'm giving the people what they want. that's business. no, jefferson. that's a-morey you get it? morey.that's my name. morey jacobs. that's a-morey oh, yeah! you have one of my pizzas. that's the best pizza in town. oh, yeah.it's terrific! so you wantmy cleaning business.
you look small to me. i'm as tall as you are. i'm talking aboutyour operation. next year,i'll be spreadingmy tomato sauce all over new jersey. after you spread it, i'll clean it up. are you sureyou can handlea volume business? junior's fish 'n chips has 38 locations. i got no complaints from them. junior's fish 'n chips? have some more pizza. junior's fish 'n chips is the fastest-growing chain in the area. i'm growing with them. i'll think it over. as we say in the pizza business, "haste makes paste." i'll be in touch in a couple of days.
and remember-- try my pizza today and you're sure to say that's a-morey when did you getthe fish 'n chips account? i didn't. you toldmr. jacobs you did. you weren'listening. i said i got no complaints from them. oh. buain't thata lile shady? no. it's done all the time. i call it the jefferson curve. the jefferson curve? i throw them wtever i want them to know. i see whyyou're number one. at's the only number i know. what are you celebrating?
oh. i thought it was something big. oh, hey, pop. why are you here?you lost? i haven't seen you cause i've b bn busy. too busyto see your parents? i should be working now, but i came to see you. well, good see you. can you stayawhile? i got to get right back. we have to go, george. where? you've forgotten again. i ain't forgotten. forgot what? you're impossible! the charity dinner tonight. i'm tired.why don't youtake lionel? i'm working ona special project at night. i hardly see jenny anymore. that's one good thingin your favor.
i'm going with your best friend. who's my best friend? your checkbook. unless you're there to stop me, i might make another big donation. see you, marcus. ciao, mr. jeffersolionel. good-bye. i'm the real papa panelli. yeah! i'll take two to go, but hold the anchovies. what can i dofor you? you can help me with these clothes. say!you one foxy lady. where you beenhidin' yrself? from you. be careful with this blouse. it's very delicate.
you'll never know, will you? i'd like my ticket. a one-way ticketto my heart? a round-trip transfer to my foot. what's your name? hey, look-- don't get upset.it's for the ticket. oh. natalie parker. natalie.that's a beautiful name. mine's marcus. hi, marcus. address? 629 east2nd street, penthouse apartment. why would a fox like youlive up in a penthouse when you should bein full view? this fox doesn't like being chased by hounds. you need somebodyto keep them hounds away. think you're that someone? yes.
why would i go out with a clerk in a cleaning store? you got it wrong. even nelsonrockefeller's daddymade h start by sweeping upose change. you knowhow fatherare. your father owns this e? well... he makes you work as a clerk? the old man wants me to experience this before i move into the executive offices. you got moves,all righ speaking of moves, dr. j. is in town. would you go to a basketball game with me? well, i-- i'll pick you up at 7:30. i'd love to, but onlyon one condition.
wooo! jefferson curve, you breakin' just right! [doorbell rings] it's your turn. hi, marcus. here's your cleaning. see you later. come inand sit down. mr. jeffersonwon't mind. no, but my girl will. girl? we've been dating a week. i have to go pick up her bracelet. you bought hera bracelet? i got a ring on a first date. really?
i'd like to meet her.bring her over. well, you see, she goes to school in connecticut, and she'll be leaving soon. we'll be hometonight. tonight? well-- we're going out tonight. i got to go. bye, florence. isn't young love wonderful? i remember whengeorge and i started dating. he knocked on the door all nervous. why was he nervous? our dog was bigger than he was. a chihuahua? hi. i'm natalie parker. i've heard a lot about you. you have?
what did she say? nothing.you'll be late. i'd like an explanation. the explanation isflorence is a dummy. louise, is lionel really fooling around with another woman? i'm afraid so. oh, my poor baby. to think we trusted lionel, and now this. only the lord can save that marriage. he'll have to save you if you don't butt out. your son can't be trusted. what aboutyour daughter? what about her? obviouslyshe ain't givin' lionel what he needs. he needs a punch in the mouth. are youthreatening him?
terrible.i'd be white. [doorbell rings] will you two stop it? we can't let helen find out. just don't tell her. helen, guess what! lionel and jenny-- what are youdoing here? aren't we going to the film festival? what festival?oh, yes. we have an extra ticket, louise. i won't be ableto make it. maybe next time, girl. what were you going to tell me about lionel? uh, lionel-- tom thinksit's a shame that lionel can'tgo with you tonight. i'll be happy when lionel's project is finished. it won't be long.
nothing. i hate eating alone. you shouldn't go outwithout eating. go fix a sandwich. that's a good idea. we have plenty of time. thanks a lot. i was going-- you're welcome. is somethinggoing on? [cough] helen. helen, i thinkyou'd better sit down. tom, what's going on? i'll getright to the point. you see-- i have this friendwhose son-in-law has been seeinganother woman. his parents andfather-in-law know, but his mother-in-lawand daughter don't know. lionel's seeing another woman? oh, louise!
you see what you did? this islionel's fault. quit hollerin'! jenny's going to hear. hear what? the end of the movie. mr. jefferson saw it already. mama, are you upset? upset? yes--about the ending of the movie. i almost feel like crying. don't tell mehow it ends. florence, go keep her in there. ok, but keep notes. i don't want to miss none of this. we'll all wait for lionel. [doorbell rings] hello. mrs. jefferson? yes? i'm natalie parker. i was supposed to meet your son downstairs-- that's her!
are you sure you don't want no tomato? what are you doing? we're giving a surprise party. come out when we yell "surprise." who's that girl? girl? what girl? the one you pushedinto the bathroom. oh! oh! that's the plumber. since when do plumbersdress like that? at $25 an hour, they can dress any way they like. what's going on?you're all actingvery strange. we can'tkeep it from her. what?
you see-- [doorbell rings] lionel! hi, mrs. willis. you talked lionel into taking the night off. hey, jenny! hey. what are you doing here? i'm still your wife. you may have forgotten,but i can prove it. i got this mole on-- i remember! how dare you do that? it's ok. we are married. oh, george. i'm really ashamed of you. what?
so that's it. this was to give me a surprise. surprise! who's she? the plumber. casanova, worm your way out of this one. so you're the plumber. hi. i'm lionel jefferson. it's no use, lionel. we know. know what? about your girlfriend. somebody tell me what's going on. i want to tell you-- hold it! are you all crazy? i'm not the plumber. i came to find out why your son stood me up. woman, i didn't stand you up. i don't even know you.
then who? have you seen-- thank god! is your family always this crazy? my family's real crazy. good night, folks. marcus! tell uswhat's going on. later, mom. mom? marcus! you come back in here. later-- i promise, dad. dad? come back here. where isthis momming and daddingcoming from? ok. look at natalie. she lives in a penthouse. when she cameto the store, i knewshe'd never look atnothin' like me, so i sort ofgave her the impression
you mean these aren't your parents? no. i'm marcus henderson-- part-time clerkand full-time liar. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, too. what made youtell a lie like that? your father. me? you remember-- the jefferson curve. oh, no!not the jefferson curve again. i've struck outon that one 100 times. i'm sorry. i hope you've learned a lesson. i sure have. good-bye, natalie. you're not standing me up. you'll stillgo out with me? unless you lied about the way you feel about me.
well, all right! can i pick 'em, or can i pick 'em? [telephone rings] i feel like i just losta kid brother. well, lionel, jenny. we're glad you're back together again. aren't we going with you? oh, yes. good night, everybody. so long. good night. i'll tell him. that was mr. jacobs. papa panelli? he was mad. he knows you don't havethe fish 'n chips account. oh, no. then he spokein a different language. italian.
i guess i lost that account. never mind. at least you have your daughter-in-law. nothin' went right today. well, we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up we finally got a piece of the pie fish don't fry in the kitchen beans don't burn on the grill
that hill get up just to now we're up in the big leagues gettin' our turn at bat as long as we live it's you and me, baby there ain't nothin' wrong with that we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky we're movin' on up movin' on up to the east side movin' on up
but on the other hand... but then again... that about sums it up. say what you feel. i don't like it. who asked you? on second thought, it kind of grows on you. i like it. good. i bought one for you. you shouldn't have. you really shouldn't have. it was on sale. buy one,get one free. mine was free. you owe me $10. florence! [telephone rings] you can have itfor $5. hello? who? bill simpson? you're kidding.
you're kidding! it's my first boyfriend. you're kidding. it must be 25 years. 35 years? no, i haven't changed that much. a promise we made? i remember something about that. tomorrow? oh, i don't think-- but-- but-- bill! i can't believe it. that wasyour first boyfriend? yeah. bill simpson. i thought i was really in love. that was before i met george. so bill was the calm before the storm.
tomorrow is the day. mrs. jefferson,that's really excitin'. tell me about it. was he talland handsome, or was he likemr. jefferson? florence. there's nothing to tell. then make something up. what's gotten into you? i love this stuff. it's likethis soap opera, the youngand the worthless. two old lovers metat the restaurant. what happened? he got amnesia, she got pneumonia, and the waitressgot pregnant. one thing is sure. bill doesn't have amnesia. i wish my first boyfriend would call. i wish any boyfriend would call. we had some great times together.
we really liked the circus. i loved the clowns. you must have. you sure married one. we had so much fun. we talked for hours. you'll havea good time tomorrow. if i go. if? think of the fun. think of george. i'd ratherthink of the fun. he won't want me to go. [doorbell rings] he'll understand. that hat is squeezing your brain. hello, mrs. j. may i borrow a hammer? certainly, mr. bentley. florence, would you get it? ok.hi, mr. bentley. got to cancel that dinner. i'm hanging my new printby van gogh.
that wouldbe difficult. van gogh is dead. i mean bill simpson. is he dead, too? bill was my first boyfriend. how did he die? he asked me to dinner. food poisoning? mr. bentley, let me go slowly. bill simpson was my first boyfriend. he just asked me to dinner tomorrow. your first boyfriend. i remembermy first love. it wasn't love, just a crush. here,mr. bentley. should i go? yes.you can't alwaysvisit your past. if i go, george may not let me visit my future. a man and a woman can go out without anything happening.
i am curious about what bill is doing. is he successful and happy? does he have hair? mr. jeffersonwill be home soon. just ask him. we'll be here for support. damn! nice seeing you. don't let me rush you. please come see my van gogh later. i'd like to seeyour butt go now. go ahead. what an awful day! ask him. ask me what? i just wanted to ask you how your day was. i just said it was rotten. i just wanted a second opinion.
no, not really. can't you make dinner? yeah. get started if you want to burn it. what happened today? everything. six employees sick. we ruinedsome woman's coat. if another thing happens,i'll die. if you don't tell him, i will. everything will be all right. everyone has days like that. you're right, weezy. i'll just lie down. what the hell is this? florence's hat. that's the ugliest thingi ever saw. what's this? my hat. that's nice, weezy. you didn't ask him,did you?
bill will bewaitin'. he waited 35 years. what's another day? ain't you dyin'to see him? yes, but i won't do anything behind george's back. i wish there was another way to find out about bill. well, i would go. well, i'm not about to go. [ring] hello? no, it's not. sure, bill. i'll take the message. meet at the restaurant at 7:30 instead of 8:00. she only told me she doesn't want to... she doesn't want to miss her date with you. no, she's dyin' to find out about you. how will you know her?
you look so different. i know what you mean. it feels like we're meeting for the first time. you really look almost likeanother person. wasn't your voicemuch deeper? it used to be deeper. when i got older, it changed. hey, do youremember when-- hey, did we! right, right! then we went-- did we ever! i'm surprisedyou remember.
so... louise, tell meabout mr. jefferson. mr. jefferson? you're marriedto him. me married to mr. jefferson? are you all right? yeah. i guess you're married, too. no, i'm divorced. maybe somedayi'll find the right woman. bill. i forgot to mention something. about my husband-- he's dead. louise, i'm sorry. i didn't know. that's ok. he doesn't, either-- i mean... he went quick. real quick.
ah, mrs. j. i'm returning this. are you wearing that to meet bill? no, i'm not wearinganything. that should be quite a reunion! i mean,i'm not going. what a shame! how did bill take it? i haven't called him. i hope he doesn't mind. you'll mind if bill calls and mr. j. answers. see you later. if i don't call bill, there may not be a later. information? may i have the number of the big top restaurant? thank you. who was that?
you know how they bother people. i didn't hearthe phone ring. i called to tell them not to bother me. [telephone rings] hello. yeah, she's here. a man or a woman? a man. a strange man? yeah. an old boyfriendasked me to dinner. it was innocent,but i thought youwouldn't want me to. and he's calling now. george, say something. you want to talk to bentley? hello? yes, mr. bentley. no, i haven't called bill.
weezy,i'm surprised. i didn't do anything. you thoughti wouldn'twant me to. you don't mind if i go? i trust you. george, you're so nice! if i hurry, i can still get to the restaurant. george, where are you going? with you. but you said you trusted me. i don't trustyour old boyfriend. i wonder ifi'll recognize bill.
in this place, everybody looks different. i don't believe it. look at that hat. they let another one loose? george, that's florence! excuse me. i have to powder my hat-- i mean, my face. the food is terrible. get out while you can. why the hell are you here? i ran away to join the circus. does this have to dowith bill? i came to take notesfor you. they go up to,"not married." you shouldn't have done that. please don'tgive me away. he thinks i'm you.
he likes me, too. nobody's that dumb. aren't you going to introduce us, louise? of course! bill, please meet-- excuse me. haven't we met? you look very familiar. a family resemblance. these are my cousins. this ismr. and mrs. jefferson. hello. hello. that was fun. good-bye. that's nonsense, louise. yeah, nonsense, louise. come join us. we're in a hurry. we'd be delighted. you learn about a woman from her family.
may i? no, you mayn't. what have you two been doing? just talkingabout old times. louise looksmore beautifulthan i remember. no, i don't. yes, you do. no, she doesn't. let's changethe subject. isn't this restaurantgreat? louise and ialways loved the circus, especiallythe back row. that's wherewe first kissed. kissed? i love this restaurant! listen, bozo.
i don't mean you, clown. i mean you, clown. louise is my wife. your husbandis dead! dead! you'll be dead if you fool around with my wife. i'd better say something, florence. florence? let's watch the waiter! we ain't watchin' nothing. florence, you straighten it out. everybody else be quiet. you, too. i'm really florence, not mrs. jefferson. she didn't want to come because of mr. jefferson. i didn't want you to be alone, so i said i was louise. i introduced them as mr. and mrs. jefferson, but not the real jeffersons.
and amnesia-- wait a minute! i thinki understand now. i don't. quiet! so you're louise! hi. do you still havemy skate key? i haven't hadthis much funin a long time. you ain't mad at me? no, i hopeto see you again. i hope we don't see you. no turkey is going to hit on my wife. i only askedto meet louise to thank her. for the kiss? somethingmore than that.
when we were kids, louise wasthe only personthat ever said, "bill, someday you'll besomething special." i worked hardgoing to law school at night. the reasoni stuck in there was because louise gave meconfidence in myself. oh, bill. what you talking about? weezy done more for me. no woman wouldstick by me like she has. you ain't lyin'. you're a great woman,weezy. i want everybody to knowyou're all mine! george, you're embarrassing me. you're a lucky man,george.
[ music ] >> whoopie! yeah. oh, come now. thank you. i get it you all found-- you found the chocolate covered hearts we left on your seats? >> yeah! >> thank you. you sound real good tonight. uh, i will apologize for the sneaky way we got you in here tonight, but it helped to hang that sound-- sign outside that said "gasoline 50 cents a gallon." [ laughter ] look, i want you to be kind to me during this monologue tonight. one massacre on this date was enough. [ laughter ] uh, those of you old enough to remember--
people get very gift-conscious on days like this, and i want to thank the lady from the audience who left the long-stemmed american beauty in my dressing room. [ laughter ] although your daughter seems like a nice girl, i can't get her on the show. you were ahead of me, weren't ya? [ laughter ] by the way, if you're out here as tourists-- especially today and you-- [ applause ] welcome. all right. and if you're up on hollywood boulevard and you see a man walking along dressed as cupid, that does not mean it's valentine's day, that-that means it's murray. he dresses that way every single day. [ laughter ] well, maybe he doesn't. [ laughter ] love is in the air today. valentine's day. and remember, before you fall head over heels on love with someone you just met, remember the initials of valentine's day.
[ applause ] i always wax nostalgic on valentine's day, and i-i-- which i do occasionally. i wax several days, but especially on valentine's day. i think of my youth back on the plains of nebraska and my very first girlfriend. she was an italian girl, gina statutory. [ laughter ] i'll never forget the first time i saw gina in school. she was starring in a hygiene film called "don't let this happen to you." [ laughter ] lovely girl. [ laughter ] the, uh, farmer that lives at-- do you-do you still send valentine's day cards? is that still a thing to do? [ applause ] sure. remember the ones you made as kids with the little lace around them. big red hearts. the farmer that lives next door to billy carter sent billy a valentine's day card that says, "roses are red, violets are blue, and they're watered daily
[ laughter ] [ applause ] you know i mentioned that day-- today is the 50th anniversary of the st. valentine's day massacre. remember that? in chicago? in remembers that-- in remembrance of that date, nbc lined all the members of its programming department up against a wall today and machine-gunned them. [ laughter ] it's kind of an in-house joke, and i think we should probably keep that in the house. [ laughter ] california governor jerry brown sent his girlfriend, linda ronstadt, a little valentine's day poem. is there a-- there's a fly buzzing around-- [ laughter ] this monologue is starting to spoil. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's turning bad right here. what did i start to say? what was i talking about? jerry brown sent linda ronstadt the same kind that says, "roses
i love you, pretty lady, but i am more in love with 1980." [ laughter ] which wasn't as funny as the guy sent billy carter. well, i know you're all anxious to find out what's the latest in the lee marvin-michelle triola trial. for those of you who missed the papers today, i want to keep you up to date on these important events. apparently today, michelle triola's trial would not allow michelle's lawyer to sue. she-- he wanted to sue for an additional one million dollars. now mrs. triola's lawyer, who's a fellow by the name of marvin mitchelson, claimed that when lee marvin said, "i love you," and then said he didn't mean it, that is fraud. [ laughter ] look, everybody knows when a man says, "i love you," it is not fraud, it's temporary insanity. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter ] now that we have the important news out of the way,
what's happening over there. they-they just opened their first soft drink factory over there, since the new government took over. it's called the ayatollah cola. [ laughter ] and it's, uh-- it gives gas to everyone but americans. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's really great. yeah. uh, the president is off to mexico, as you know. and, uh-- oh, he's already there. as a matter of fact, uh, president portillo of mexico took president carter on kind of a sight-seeing trip, and the mexican president showed jimmy carter the home of the former bandit pancho villa. and carter was so impressed he said, when portillo comes here, he's gonna show him the home of bert lance. [ laughter ] [ applause ] carter just doesn't say things funny. did you ever notice that? [ laughter ] you realize, of course, while the president is out of the country, the acting president is walter mondale. yes.
well-- oh! now here are some of the important things that walter's accomplished since carter went to mexico. he, uh-- he oiled the swivel chair in the oval office so he could swivel without squeaking. he, uh, called the maytag repair man and said, "what do you do to kill a day?" [ laughter ] and he called, uh, brezhnev-- brzezinski and told him to keep his hands off of rodeo drive. [ laughter ] between carter and mondale, it's been a political wipe-out tonight. [ laughter ] moving along to the sports news. see i jump from one subject to another. it doesn't-- if one thing doesn't work, we keep plunging ahead. former ohio state football coach, woody hayes, is in town. and he's here to discuss the possibility of a movie based on his life. i understand this afternoon woody is up at grauman's chinese theater, where they pressed his fist in cement.
[ applause ] but, uh-- but i understand he's like any other tourist. he stopped along sunset boulevard-- you know, one of those guys on the street-- and bought a map of the stars' throats. [ laughter ] well, we didn't. who cares? here's the strange news item of the day. women have found-- according to a news item in the los angeles times, women have found that birth control pills in the soil will stimulate the growth of their houseplants. [ laughter ] that's-- don't ask me why, but-- it also enables your petunias to pollinate without fear of morning sickness. [ laughter ] which is a side effect. we have a, um-- a pretty good show tonight, don't we? >> yes. >> what? >> yes! >> yes, we do. be enthusiastic. [ laughter ] charlton-- >> it's a great show, john. >> what? >> it's a fine show. >> it's a fine show! not just a good show.
[ applause ] [ applause ] >> we are back. crowd's in a good mood tonight. we got a good show. chuck heston, johnny yune, blair brown, and jack douglas is with us tonight. jack douglas-- if you don't know who jack is-- he's one of the crazed writers who has written for every top comedian in the business and, uh, he always uses-- brings some, uh, home movies. which are the wildest home movies you have ever seen. they make absolutely no sense at all. but jack will tell you what is happening or not happening during them. uh, from time to time-- as you know, doc travels around the country and tommy, for various things, and other guys in the band. and tommy is gonna be-- tommy newsom i'm talking about.
beaumont, texas, february the 22nd for the premiere of his composition. he wrote a composition for the beaumont texas symphony orchestra and jazz band. and tommy's gonna be down there to conduct that and also play with the group. [ applause ] congratulations, tommy. >> great. >> february the 22nd. [ applause ] you be a good old boy when you're down there, tom. well, this is the time of the year, as you know-- it's only-- it's only what? february? >> um-hmm. >> and already the, uh-- the networks are planning their new television shows for the fall season. it's been rather a tough season for television. it's a tough, competitive business, because every-- as you know, last sunday all the networks programmed three big shows opposite each other. "gone with the wind," "cuckoo's nest," an elvis special. and a lot of shows get knocked off the air before they get a chance. nbc did over 50 pilots themselves, and, uh, i'm gonna give you-- i don't think these are all nbc pilots, the ones i'm gonna tell you about. but these are the actual names of new shows coming up or projected for the fall.
"the gray panther express." do you have any idea what that's about? >> old people. >> it deals with the adventures of old people-- or senior citizens, they say. i've never liked that word. >> no. >> elderly people. at a retirement home. "father brown" is about a middle-aged priest preoccupied with detective work. [ whistles ] i don't understand some of these at all. "ifr" is an institute staffed by volunteers who help victims get non-violent revenge. [ laughter ] i think it's called-- ifr. i think it's the international force for retaliation or something. "golden gun." the saga of a hero on a white horse who fights off the bad men. [ laughter ] [ whistles ] that sounds original. "sloan of the secret service." it's about an art dealer who's actually a james bond type of agent who, like his pop before him-- his pop-- is chief operative of a secret government agency reporting directly
"jackie's girls" deals with femme flyers in world war ii who perform missions on both sides of enemy lines. how many lady flyers did you know in world war ii? [ laughter ] >> not too many. >> there's a show called "harper and company." it's about four men in a club med type resort who team to solve crimes. "doctors and nurses" deals with the lives and relationships of doctors and nurses. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> and is done with humor. where hijinks often ensue, probably. here's one. "whodunnit?" >> yes. >> now guest-hosted by ed mcmahon. >> yes. >> it's an american version of a british comedy quiz show. >> yes. >> ah, that's going on in the fall? >> apparently, yeah. [ applause ] >> ah-ha. you're the only one who got a hand. [ laughter ] doctors and nurses got nothing. ed got a hand. here's one here. "every stray dog and kid" is about a female ex-car thief who
six teenage boys. [ sigh ] these are for real folks. "crash island" deals with a plane which crashes over a mysterious uncharted island where the survivors set up a makeshift society. here's one. i don't wanna miss this. "blue collar" deals with a house painter whose family includes his wife and five children. [ laughter ] how can you get 13 weeks out of a guy painting a house? [ laughter ] "good time harry" is about a newspaper man who is a rogue who returns to his native san francisco trying to get back the job from which he was fired. "gossip" is a gang comedy-- that's what they call it-- taking place in the office of the national gossip, about a couple of newsmen trying to make a go of the publication. "yu." i think this has to do with johnny yune, doesn't it? this is spelled y-u. a dramatic series with comedy
works in the beverly hills area while working as a comedian as a cover. [ laughter ] that has to do with the young man who is with us tonight, johnny yune. now here's one. this is my favorite. when i read this one-- "king tut's best friend." [ laughter ] this is about an 11-year-old boy who gets a pyramid for his birthday and travels back in time to egypt where he befriends king tut. [ laughter ] sure, you laugh, but that's going on, folks. well, now. if you're laughing at those-- for every pilot that is made that goes on, there are probably 30 or 40 that do not make it at all. we have some stills, some photographs, from some of these unsuccessful new shows. >> never before seen. >> never before seen. and these shows probably will not be on the air. unless-- well, unless some of those others-- >> yeah. >> like the house painter doesn't make it. you watch the monitor. for example, here's a-- here's one about a new detective series called "lieutenant columbo animal division." [ laughter ]
arrests criminal animals. [ laughter ] here we see lieutenant columbo busting a tortoise who was caught smuggling in 200 pounds of columbian lettuce. [ laughter ] a new show called "three is enough." [ laughter ] a situation comedy about a mother and father who have never allowed their son to go to school or to have a job. here we see the son about to face his first challenge in life-- walking downstairs and getting the mail. [ laughter ] here's a show-- a new show called "the fat angels." [ laughter ] they, uh-- they solve any crime that involves stolen food. [ laughter ] and in its very first episode, they sit on a taco bell stick-up man and crush his enchiladas. [ laughter ] from the studio that brought you "hello, larry" comes "goodbye, helga." about a girl who works in her father's butcher shop. here you see helga just as she
proposal to a jimmy dean pork sausage. [ laughter ] a new show-- we're getting back to the old musical shows. "uganda city music hall." [ laughter ] which features the precision dancing of ugandan chorus girls led by their choreo-- choreographer, idi amin. [ laughter ] here they are at the end of the can-can number, where they kick a missionary to death. this could be-- [ laughter ] from the producers of "the six million dollar man" comes another super hero, "graffiti man." [ laughter ] he has only made love once in his life to a bearded lady. on his back, he has the phone number of every easy woman in buffalo, new york. [ laughter ] he makes $60 a week sitting at a men's room in an iowa truck stop. [ laughter ] "greatest crimes of the century." [ laughter ] here you see psychopathic criminal gary o' shaughnessy, whose crime was sneaking up on innocent ladies
of their shoes. [ laughter ] he's-- didn't get on. [ laughter ] "laverne and mildred." [ laughter ] this show's about two elderly women who work for a brewery in milwaukee. here we see them on saturday night taking turns wearing a dead stray dog around their necks. [ laughter ] that's why you're groaning, then. it didn't make it. "way back stairs at the white house." [ laughter ] here we see the servants about to protest what billy carter did to a bush in the rose garden and-- you've seen "love boat" where love blossoms on a cruise ship and "super train" where adventures occur across a cross-country train? now comes "action closet." [ laughter ] all romance takes place inside a janitor's storage closet. here you see the despondent janitor hanging himself because his eureka vacuum cleaner refused to put out. [ laughter ] weird. i know. a new game show.
um, you can see how long you can last inside a hungry lion's cage wearing hamburger scented deodorant. [ laughter ] "birthday billy." a new show. billy makes a living counting birthday candles for very stupid children. [ laughter ] each week he goes to a different house. "candid surgery." a series where beverly hills plastic surgeons are shown on hidden camera operating on unsuspecting patients. here you see the gabor sisters just before their facelifts. [ laughter ] so cruel. what is this one here? ah! because of the success of the movie "superman," they came out with a tv pilot called "super slob." [ laughter ] by day, a mild-mannered reporter. at night, he becomes the man of cholesterol. his x-ray vision allows him to see through submarine sandwiches. [ laughter ]
[ laughter ] a series about midget hookers who prey on sailors who have 24-minute shore leave. [ laughter ] and-- look, these are-- these are not all winners, but that's why i'm showing these to you. another spin-off of the movie "animal house." this one called "animal car." in this episode, titled "moon express," [ laughter ] the beta phi's attempt to ruin a chevrolet's seat upholstery. that-- that's what they do. [ laughter ] and that's why they didn't get on. [ applause ] >> didn't make it. >> they didn't make it. >> didn't make the schedule. [ laughter ] >> okay. [ applause ] we'll be back with chuck heston, johnny yune, blair brown, and jack douglas
or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life. help is just a phone call away. [ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you, doc. my first guest tonight-- in the
talking about, this young gentleman is going to have one of those. it's called "sergeant tku," and, uh, he's from korea. he made his, uh-- started with us on "the tonight show." we found him playing a comedy place called "the horn" in santa monica, and he'll be opening at the las vegas hilton with steve lawrence and eydie gorme march 6th for three weeks. and, uh, his new series is going to be aired soon. would you welcome, please, johnny yune. johnny? [ music ] [ applause ] >> herro. [ laughter ] i'm a comedian from korea. you know, in korea, i was a very boring guy. but in america, i play backgammon, and i hang out at discotheques, and i know my sign. [ laughter ] now i'm boring in two countries. [ laughter ]
you know, my parents couldn't afford to have electricity and they used to feed me and my brother garlic so they could find us in the dark. [ laughter ] ever since i was a little kid, i always want to come to america, and i learned a little bit about america. and i admire president george washington most. one of the reasons is that, um, he never blamed his problems on the previous administration. [ laughter ] [ applause ] lincoln. i love lincoln. i couldn't wait till i come to this country and drive one. [ laughter ] but i-- now i live in hollywood. hollywood's been very good to
imported shirt. they all from korea. [ laughter ] did you ever reach into your pocket and pull out a little piece of paper that says, 'inspected by number 14"? that's my brother. [ laughter ] and hollywood is tough, also. you know, when i become an american citizen, i wanted to get rid of my accent. so i went to speech teacher. i said, "how can i get rid of my accent fast?" he said, "go back to korea." [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know, it took me six months to get my agent. when i first met him, he said, "what do you do?" i said, "i'm a comedian." he said, "comedians are a dime a dozen." i said, "but i'm different. i'm an oriental." he said, "oh, yeah?
[ laughter ] and i just bought pair of siamese cat, and i paid $375 just because they got the most beautiful blue eyes. i pet them on their head, their contacts fell out. [ laughter ] and i also bought lots of plants. and my friends told me if i talk to plants, they'll grow taller and fast. and i been talking to my plants. [ speaking korean ] [ laughter ] they turn yellow. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
[ applause ] [ laughter ] now i have one plant left. a venus fly trap. it ate my zipper. [ laughter ] you know, i, um-- i'm kind of excited about new friendly relationship between america and red china. but, you know, uh, i have one thing that i don't understand. i read an article in a magazine that says, um, chin-- china is buying american x-rated movies for sex education for chinese people. now a country with 950 million people need a sex education? [ laughter ] they don't need a sex education. what they need is food. in fact, the chairman mao was alive-- when he was alive, he
russia asking for help. "send us grains, we're starving." russia replied, "we're sure of grains for ourselves. tighten your belts." mao replied, "send us belts." [ laughter ] you know-- [ laughter ] you know, because of this new situation between america and red china, russia is a little bit worried, because they feel that they're being isolated and they decided to go easy on things. and, for the first time in history in russia, they decided to give russian people freedom of speech. in fact, recently, russian newspaper "pravda" ran a contest for best political jokes. first prize got 20 years.