tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 16, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
call me? yes, you did. where were you? in the back stripping. oh, uh, jack, no. please, give me that. if you just wait on this lady. she's in quite a hurry. oh, is it an emergency? oh, no. i just hate waiting. now, if you'll just help me with the flowers over there. and would you enclose that card? okay, let me see here. "to my darling sweetheart of 35 wonderful years. from your one and only andy." wow. that's real sweet. yeah, that ought to hold the old bat for a while. no. i can't decide. i want something nice to cheer up a very old man. how about a very young woman? really, i can't make up my mind. flowers are beautiful
how old is he? 87. take the flowers. uh, okay, there's your receipt. and i thank you very much. you're welcome. uh, uh, jack i'll take care of mrs. simpson. that's all right. just go in the back, and next time when i call, come. i can deal with a customer... jack, just go in the back. mrs. simpson, could i suggest a nice basket of fresh flowers with some little plants mixed in? oh, that sounds lovely. oh, good. now, i'd like you to enclose this card and send it to this address and charge it to my account. okay. thank you very much. bye-bye. oh, janet. mrs. roper, hi. janet, i want a man to send me flowers. oh. who doesn't? oh, no, no, no. these flowers are for mr. roper. oh, you want me to get mr. roper to send you some flowers? no, no, no. they're for mr. roper to see.
there's... there's another man? oh, no. no? no, no, no. i want mr. roper to think there's another man. but i like your idea better. okay, well, let me see. in that case... ooh, ooh. hey, how about roses? oh, roses would be perfect. they give stanley hay fever. jack! yeah? oh, hi, mrs. roper. hi, jack. this thing's got thorns on them. don't be such a baby. i got to have some gloves or something. jack, go in the back and get mrs. roper some fresh roses. yes, sir. oh, excuse me. hi. can i help you to something? me, for example? well, i had something a little different in mind. what was that? uh, jack, excuse me. i can take care of this.
i don't mean literally. i'd never touch you or anything. jack! just go in the back and get mrs. roper some fresh roses. i was just trying to be helpful. by hitting on a customer? that was not hitting on a customer. this is hitting on a customer. no! no! come on. stop being childish, all right? i'm just trying to have some fun. this is a place of business. if you want to have fun, have it at home. good idea. how do we get rid of chrissy? jack, cut it out. now, look, just go in the back and get mrs. roper some fresh roses. janet, come on... just go get the roses. i'd better do what i'm told.
did you have a nice day? peachy. where's janet? who? did you forget her? what a wonderful idea. jack, what happened? she stopped off at the supermarket. hey, jack, how come you didn't wait for me? oh, i'm sorry. did you order me to? hey, jack, what's wrong with you? what's wrong with me? what is wrong with both of you? chrissy, put these in the kitchen. but i... chrissy, you better do it before simone legree gets her whip out. ( doorbell rings ) what do you mean by that? "what do you mean by that?" well, what? you know darn well what i mean by that. what do you mean by what? hi, mr. roper. come on in. we're just having a private fight. come on, join us.
do you know who ordered them? doesn't it say on the card? it just says from a mysterious admirer. well, maybe it's that husky sailor who keeps coming into the regal beagle. you think so? well, i've seen the way he looks at you over his glass of beer. these aren't for me. these are for helen. it's the second bouquet that came today. didn't you see the guy who ordered them? no, mr. roper i didn't see a man order flowers for your wife. you haven't seen any strange men hanging around here have you? no such luck. you know, i just thought of something. if it was signed from an admirer it's got to be from somebody who hasn't met her. i wonder who could be sending flowers to mrs. roper. mrs. roper.
she means that... i'm quite capable of explaining. oh, excuse me. i forgot. yeah, you're quite capable of anything, aren't you? jack, what do you mean by that? "what do you mean by that?" wait. hold it. what is it with you two? this is no way for friends to behave. well, i thought we were friends until i went to work for a friend and that friend puts me down in front of a friend. what? oh, no. oh... come on, jack. don't you think you're overreacting? moi? overreacting? overreacting? i never overreact. jack, we are friends here in the apartment... but not in the shop, huh? at the shop, it's business. and, of course, business is business. well, business is business. listen, maybe... chrissy, just mind your own business. jack! janet! oh...
lot of times, being a teenager means living with labels. you know, like the ones other people give you. and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most. the girls and boys town national hotline. change your label. change your life.
here you go, and thank you very much. thank you. ( sighs ) hmm... oh, oh. hey, jack! yo! ( shrieks ) that was pretty quick. when you call, it is my duty to be there, miss wood. oh, jack, are you still on that kick? okay, all right. please put that in the back. ( shouting ): yes, ma'am! ( gasps ) ( phone ringing ) okay. arcade florist. may i help you? oh, hi, mr. compton. busy? oh, yeah. we are up to our... asters? oh! oh, sure. no, no. yeah, i can send some asters to the ventura branch. uh-huh. sure.
i promise. okay, all right. bye-bye. that was the boss. he only calls here about 20 times a day to check up on me and then he says, "as long as you're there, janet i don't worry about a thing." well, at least with mr. compton around we're not going to have to worry about needing fertilizer. is there anything else i can do for you, madame? o-kay. all right, jack this is getting to be a real drag. now loosen up. how loose would you like me? jack! what do you think...? okay. okay, all right. um... about yesterday, uh... look, i know that sometimes i get a little carried away with my job, and i forget to say "please" and "thank you" but i am sorry, jack. so could we just forgive and forget, okay? is that an order, miss wood?
about work for a minute? okay, for a minute. ( whistling ) stop that! okay, i'll think about work again. jack! you don't look like you're thinking about work. you look like you're thinking about strangling me. ( chuckles ) no, i never mix business with pleasure. ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! ow! what are you doing?! oh, just rearranging the flowers, dear. oh, stanley, did you notice my horoscope in the paper? it says that today's my lucky day.
ah, look at these flowers, stanley. aren't they lovely? ( muttering ) did you ever notice how flowers just seem to brighten up a room? even a room that you're in. ( doorbell chiming ) helen: hey, stanley, get the door, will you? i'm reading. well, i'm getting dressed. you wouldn't want me to come out there half-naked, would you? certainly not. i wouldn't want you to scare anybody. who is it? man: a box of candy for mrs. roper. shove it under the door.
they're hard centers. let me see that card. oh... "from your secret admirer." again?! oh, isn't that sweet? who is it, helen? who you getting all the candy and the flowers from? answer me! i don't know. just some unknown admirer... who probably has his binoculars trained on me right now. jack, would you put those roses in the refrigerator, please? certainly. i put them in the refrigerator right next to your heart. okay, jack, i've had just... janet! what?! oh, mr. compton what are you doing here? i just heard from mr. benson. he's a bit miffed because his daughter
oh, oh, oh, the benson wedding. i counted on you i trusted you and look what happens. oh, mr. compton, i-i don't know what to say. janet, i'm very disappointed in you. i put you in charge here but i think i made a mistake. oh, wait a minute, mr. compton. janet told me to deliver those flowers. why didn't you deliver them? i forgot. you forgot. you forgot?! she told me first thing in the morning, but i... did you remind him in the afternoon? she did remind me. and...? i forgot. you couldn't remember long enough to make a delivery? what were you thinking of? i forget. nobody has this bad a memory. the only thing that should have been on your mind was that wedding. what wedding? ( grunting ) mr. compton... mr. compton, please, don't listen to him. it was my fault. i don't know how, but i thought that that wedding was next saturday. nice try, janet. well, ripper? uh, "tripper," jack.
what have you got to say for yourself? uh, how about "good-bye"? oh, no, oh, no, jack, jack... janet! what? let him go. oh, no... jack... ( door closes ) ( sighs ) mmm... delicious. hey, you want one, stanley? how about a hazelnut crunch? i'm going to find out who it is. i got my ways. who is the guy that used to send you all that poetry? the guy with the big nose? clive? he didn't have a big nose. he just had a small face. how about an english toffee? you're enjoying this, aren't you? well, let me tell you something-- even though i have iron willpower, i got a temper and if i ever lose my temper you're going to see blood on the moon!
ah, i got it. that character in your flower arranging class. the one in the tweeds with a small mustache. margaret wilson? come on, helen. who is it? how about a chocolate finger? hi. hi, janet. where's jack? huh? where is jack? i don't know, chrissy. i haven't seen him. i don't know. oh, you two still fighting at work? oh, no, not at work. he got fired. how could you?! no, i didn't fire him-- mr. compton did. ( doorbell chimes ) oh, too chicken to do your own dirty work, huh? no, no, chrissy, see what happened was... listen, mr... hi. hi. hi. oh, after you, dear. thank you, stanley.
oh, no, you tell them, precious. it was your idea, and a very good one, at that. thanks, stanley. stanley and i want to invite you to the regal beagle for a celebration. oh, great. what are we going to celebrate? the opening of stanley's eyes. he no longer takes me for granted. do you, dear? why don't you go change, honey-bun? i'm going to check the leaky faucet. all right, stanley. don't be too long though. maybe we'll have time to celebrate before we celebrate. hey, mr. roper we don't have a leaky faucet. i know. i came here because i know where all those flowers are coming from. you know who the secret admirer is? sure. the secret admirer just walked out that door. how did you find out it was mrs. roper?
while we freshen up let me explain about jack and i. oh, no. when jack gets back don't you two start fighting and spoil their party. chrissy, i have no... i am getting sick of it. every time you two get together you start fighting. i get caught in the middle. you won't get caught in the middle. listen to me... oh, jack, i got to talk to you. oh, no, you don't. i'm listening, janet. don't listen to her, jack. chrissy, look, what you did... can't you let bygones...? it's okay. "it's okay." don't you hear him? it's o... it's okay? oh, gee, okay. oh, mmm... jack, thank you.
honey, i got to apologize to you. don't apologize. [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation] three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audienc sh-doob, shooby-doo sh-doob, shooby-doo sh-doob, shooby-doo sh-doob, shooby-wa in the still of the night i held you held you tight o.k. cut! cut! cut! stop! stop! stop! stop!
us? well, no. it's getting there. but you've got to give me more soul! we'll never win that contest if your shooby-doos lack conviction. i thought our shooby-doos were quite good. they were. they were. but unfortunately clancy's isn't handing out any $500 prizes for quite good. we have to be great! and we can be! come on, stand tall! have some pride! remember... you're kirkettes! what? kirkettes! what? since when do you get to pick the name? whose idea was this in the first place? yours, and i thought it might be fun, so i let you be lead singer, but i am not a kirkette. i will never be a kirkette. if you ever again refer to me as a kirkette, you'll be the last of your illustrious line. meaning?
now, kate. i don't think that will be necessary. no, but it might help him with his high notes. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john seems we've sung love's last song
sh-doob, shooby-doo sh-doob-- hi, guys. oh, hey. come. uh, ladies! ladies! we're taking a break, ok? ah, great. my husband said he's shipping out again. being in the merchant marines, i only see him a few days at a time, then he's gone three or four months. i said, "do you really have to leave?" well, to make a long story short... too late. take no notice of him. go on.
oh, we'll finally get to spend some real time together. that's great. i feel like a newlywed. i'm going home and start my second honeymoon right now. just hope i don't get seasick. orlando likes to make love in a hammock. sailors! ladies, if you wouldn't mind, could we get back to rehearsal now? oh, yeah. sorry. it's ok? yeah? ok. sh-doob, shooby-doo sh-doob good evening, john sh-doob, shooby-doo nice, nice pointing. sh-doob, shooby-doo john, we're trying to doo-wop here. sugar's frozen solid. must be more around here. it's in the storeroom, john. aren't there any backup supplies here? in the storeroom, john.
oh, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar. this isn't about sugar, is it? no, i'm just having one of my days. i just found out i have to make a bunch of curriculum evaluation reports by monday. just meaningless bureaucratic busywork, but it's going to take all saturday and most of sunday. i can't find a damn thing here! where's the sugar? oh, thanks. don't mention it. i had this great weekend planned-- doing absolutely nothing. no parties, no dates. doesn't that sound perfect? no, but it does sound familiar. oh, damn! let me try this. oh! oh, good job, john. damn! let me help you with that. john, o.k.? he say what's wrong? ladies, can we worry about john later?
john will have problems forever. look who i just met in the hallway. you're late for doo-wop rehearsal. oh, big deal. all you let me do is-- there. i rehearsed. he won't let you sing? no. he thinks i'm tone-deaf. who the hell are you? kirk, don't be rude. no, no. it's a good question. who am i? am i the gale force wind that mocks our vain constructions? am i the tidal wave that plays with vacation homes like small boats in a bathtub? am i the sea, the sand, the sky? all empty now. or am i just a poor poet looking for the lightning flash of inspiration and weeping with joy at the muffled voice of its distant thunder?
y'all, this is frank hollander, john's creative writing teacher from college. of course! john's talked endlessly about you. odd he didn't mention you were coming. it's a surprise. his neighbor said he'd be here. yes. he's in the storeroom. has he been a bad boy? no. he spilled some sugar. i'll tell him you're here. no, let me do it. i wonder if he'll recognize me. it's been 20 years. john spilled the sugar? well, good for him! what an ass! frank? that's got to be frank hollander! for crying out loud, it's so good to see you! do you realize who this is? he's the best teacher i ever had. those poems of mine i read from time to time? frank here got me started.
kirk, haven't you got somewhere to go? perhaps finland. i can't believe you're really here. how the hell are you? are you still living in a barn in vermont? yes. i'm working on a new book of poems. my cash flow's a mere trickle, so i'm here to talk my penny-pinching editor into advancing me a few bucks. whoa, if it's money you need, say no more. you've money to loan? no. i just want him to say no more. i'll be all right. my editor just has this thing about deadlines. she doesn't realize that poems have to simmer underground, gathering heat and weight before they can burst forth with the force of nature. oh, i could listen to you talk all night. yeah. i don't know what it is about poets,
uh, red. what? there once was a girl from nantucket. how great it is to hear you yell at me again. it's been 20 years since i've been called an ass. oh, when frank called a student an ass, it was a compliment. meant he had the guts to be different, to take risks. if you spend your life playing it safe, you wind up dying, never having lived. hear, hear. remember, you'd say it was unhealthy to spend too much time in a classroom, so we'd go to some dark, smelly bar? let's hold group in clancy's tonight. that's sounds new and different. great idea. hey, hey, hey! what about rehearsal? we'll rehearse next week. fine, but be forewarned. i once quit a singing group because of this same lax attitude.
i don't know, i swear. hi, guys. hi, ralph. this community center's getting crowded. i couldn't find a place for my motorcycle, so i said the heck with it. i'll double-park. wow... you really took a risk, ralph. yeah, you didn't play it safe. well done, ralph. you're a real ass. what an ass! thanks. good for you. and that was the origin of the girl from nantucket. who would've guessed? john loaned me one of your books once. your poetry isublime. didn't you win some award? oh, no, not some award, the national book award. oh, hey, congratulations, frank. i, for one, know how good that must feel,
letters to penthouse don't count. says who? oh, this is great, isn't it, huh? sitting around drinking, discussing poetry. i feel like i'm back in creative writing 401 now. whatever gave you the idea to hold class in a bar? i felt there was more to learning than books-- exactly. to experience life in the real world. exactly. and i was an alcoholic. exac--excuse me? that's why i'm drinking mineral water. i never realized you had a problem. neither did i, at first. there's a way to tell-- you have a few drinks in chicago. next thing you know, it's eight days later, you're lying in a little village in spain, and a seorita is dancing the flamenco on your chest. i don't drink much, but thanks.
that was 2 1/2 years ago. i haven't had a drop since. that's great. good for you, frank. does it have to be spain? no, ralph. ralph, for goodness sake. that's quite an accomplishment, frank. did you go through a.a. or a clinic? no, i quit cold turkey. i decided i had enough and poured my last half bottle out the window. how'd you find the courage? i drank the first half. so where are you staying while you're in town? i thought maybe an apartment on woodhaven boulevard. that's my street. also your apartment. that's great. glad to have you. if you have time, you can read my new poems. be glad to. good! in honor of my college days... chug-a-lug a pitcher and puke your guts up? no. i'm going to pull an all-nighter and work on my poems, maybe write a few new ones. what about your paperwork for school? the hell with it.
to do what you taught me. loosen up! take some risks! be an ass once in a while. that's right. i'm an ass. how do you do? john lacey. i'm an ass. hey, there. i'm an ass. he'll never get a cab that way. [humming] i hate to interrupt your reading, but would you prefer buttermilk pancakes? what do you think? buttermilk's fine. i was talking about my poems. the last thing i want to do is pressure you.
john, you've been up all night. i'm fine. i drank lots of coffee, vast quantities of coffee. does it show? yes. john, i'm almost done. now, just relax. yes. relax. good idea. i'll have another quart of coffee. so how do you like them? well...they're a little thin, john. thin? i remember your poems as having more substance. you mean, you didn't like any of them? not even the one about the stray german shepherd? i just feel that... i feel you need to dig deeper. i feel you need to take that leap of faith. you need to give your poems that personal voice that's yours and yours alone. the part where he brings the stick back? your poems still show promise. just got to keep working at it.
[daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.
wait a minute. no, no. i'm sorry. i'm supposed to go-- where is our beloved leader kirk? that lunkhead was supposed to be here an hour ago. how can we practice our moves without a lead singer? yes. i wonder why i love you like i do is it-- oh, ralph. so good to see you. we need someone to fill in until kirk gets here. no, no, no, really. i'm not very good. i wonder why i love you like i do mary beth, i know you've never heard this before, but you're flat. come on, ralph. just till kirk gets here. we won't do the choreography, just the song. oh, gosh. mary beth, hit it. [ ]
i why love you like i do ba bum ba bum don't why know i do-ooh don't know why i love you don't know why i care i just want your love to share i don't know why i love you like i do is it because i think you love me true i wonder why i love you like i do like i do ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba yes, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba yeah, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ya da da i'm sorry, guys. i sound better singing in the tunnel. ralph, you were terrific. i'm here. we can get started.
excuse us, ralphie. we got to rehearse. um, kirk. ralph just filled in for you singing lead. he did... an extraordinary job. an extraordinarily excellent job. w-w-wait a minute. what are you trying to say? compared to ralph, you sound like a goat being milked in the winter by a farmer with no gloves. wow! yeah. we've worked really hard. we want a shot at winning that $500. we think ralph would give us that shot. wh--yeah-- mary beth, you know music. you think ralph sings better than me? no question about it. what does she know? she's tone-deaf. john, help me out. they think ralph has a better voice than me, so they want him to sing lead.
the hell i'm not. creating is an act of courage, whether it's singing doo-wop or writing a poem. every time you create, you're a target for rejection. you don't seem to appreciate that or care how deep a wound you inflict on the artist, the writer, the poet. it's no wonder we live in a cultural wasteland. yeah! a moving oration, john, but i can't help thinking there's something else going on. o.k., o.k., o.k. no big deal. frank didn't like my poems. oh, john, i'm sorry. you really had your hopes up, didn't you? in fact, i did. i thought it was some of my best work. i wanted him to love them, that he be deeply affected-- laugh, cry, the whole thing. john, is frank still in town? uh, yeah.
his editor wants to read his new work first. good. i suggest you write some more poems. maybe frank will react more favorably. go for it. give it a shot. oh, what the hell. i'm just fooling myself. i can't write. i don't think i ever could. john, don't talk like that. remember i wanted to be a writer, but nobody would hire me? i felt like giving up, but you gave me some really good advice. remember what it was? uh, no. darn! neither do i. [beep] hi, it's ralph. call me when you can.
the women want me to sing lead, but i can't take it away from kirk. i never thought i'd say this, john, but talent is a curse. lucky you don't have any. [beep] hi, eric donnelly from patterson publishing. it's 11 in the morning. i'm leaving a message for frank hollander. @ just read your new poems, frank, they're incredible! fantastic! i especially liked the one about the stray german shepherd. that image of the lonely man walking along the shore, when he picks up a stick and throws it. and the german shepherd appears out of nowhere and brings it back. i cried like a baby. see you when you stop by this afternoon. john, my editor just gave me a $15,000 advance!
come on. i want to celebrate. there's this place on 53rd-- finest pasta on the eastern seaboard. and the calamari! ahh, calamari of the gods! what's wrong, john? don't you like calamari? captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. yes. for crying out loud, it's so good to see you! this is the best teacher i ever had. you know those poems of mine? well, frank here's the guy that got me started. unfortunately, clancey's isn't handing out $500 for quite good. we have to be great! and we can be. come on. stand tall. have some pride. remember,
kirkettes? what? i remember your poems as having more substance. you didn't like them? not even the one about the german shepherd? i just feel that... i feel you need to dig deeper and take that leap of faith. you need to give your poems that personal voice that's yours and yours alone. not even the part where he fetches the stick? [beep] hi. sarah donnelly from patterson publishing. it's a little before noon, and i'm leaving a message for frank hollander. just read your new poems. they're incredible, fantastic. i especially liked the one about the stray german shepherd. that image of the lonely man walking along the shore-- and he picks up a stick and throws it and the german shepherd appears and brings it back-- i cried like a baby.
how did you find out? your editor left a message. how could you, frank? how could you steal my poems? i'm sorry, john, but i had no choice. she wanted to see my new work, but the muse has been refusing to put out for me lately, and i had to submit something to get the advance. you resort to this? john, i've got three ex-wives. i've got five kids i'm helping to support. they're great kids. uh, here. i got some pictures. maybe later. i only did it to buy some time until i start writing again.
i'm supposed to believe that? of course. why? because... your poems just are not very good. oh, they're just not very good. oh. i see. right. well, apparently your editor doesn't seem to share that opinion. she thinks that they're incredible. she said she cried when the lonely man found the german shepherd. cried, frank. she said that? i wish you'd go. ok, ok. i'll go quietly. john, if it makes you feel better, i've had a lot of students over the years-- good, bad, indifferent-- but you're the only one i ever stole from. but i thought you'd be so happy
well, i love him. i just can't stand living with him. being a merchant marine, he's usually out to sea, then home a few days. it's wonderful. but now we're spending all this time together, and i realize i don't know this man. i'm sharing my bed with a total stranger! i should be so lucky. we go to bed, and all he wants to do is talk. he says there's plenty of time for the other stuff. oh, louise, i've got a serious problem. denise, can you talk to your own group leader? i am the group leader. oh. right. then go talk to yourself. what is it, john? everyone, john has something he needs to talk about. what happened? uh...
you know how i felt about frank hollander. oh, my god. what happened? no. he's fine. but he stole my poems. oh. is that all, john? i was so worried. i think you're missing the point. frank hollander, who i revered, put his name on my poems and gave them to his editor. why? for the money. have you told frank's editor? no, but i'm thinking about it. i am so confused. i was sitting in front of the tv, going back and forth. i know what you mean. it's all those new cable channels. louise, what do you think? it's a tough call. frank did a terrible thing. there's no question about it, but you obviously still have feelings for him, or you wouldn't be so torn. it's driving me crazy.