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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  February 16, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST

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just premature acceleration. [ laughter ] and i-- [ applause ] >> it's just all it is, is a little anxiety attack. >> are you ready, for the race? >> i'm ready. >> ready. >> ready, set, go! oh-ho-ho! >> he's-- oh, come on! >> oh, come on! i'm coasting to a finish! >> aw! >> all right. [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> come on. >> i'm depressed. >> well, come on. >> and, here, to present the winner, is our-our judge, mr. thomas newsom. miss muldowney. >> i know who you are. >> was it official? >> yes, sir. >> i did win? >> it's a tie. >> well-- >> just to be abs-- [ laughter ] >> what do you mean-- what do you mean it's a tie? i was at forefront-- let's show-- let's show the-- we have a freeze frame photo finish, here. [ laughter ] does that look like a tie, to you? >> you're right. [ laughing ]
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but do i get to shake it? >> shake it up, and open it, and-- >> whoa! >> no, that's all right. that's what you normally do. >> okay. >> you hold that, and it's kind of a victory thing, and they open it up-- [ laughter ] >> it figures. you've been holding this too long. [ laughter ] okay. whoopee. thank you. >> thank you. >> i think you gave me handicap. [ applause ] and we'll be back, in a moment.
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in victory lane. [ applause ] [ cheering ] i wanna thank shirley muldowney. she's a good sport. >> thanks for doin' that. >> thank you, shirley. okay. my next guest is a very popular young comedian, and, uh, jerry's gonna be appearing at zanies, in chicago. great name for a comedy club, huh? february 26th, through the second of march. would you welcome jerry seinfeld? jerry? [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> thank you, very much. thank you. thank you. well, it's nice to be he. nice to see you, here. you know, you look pretty
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you do. you look nice and calmed down, from president's day-- the excitement, the drama. it's quite a holiday, huh? the costumes, the parties. i'm just kinda gatherin' myself, after all that. [ laughter ] i think we're putting too much pressure on that one day, to have a good time, don't you think? it's-- you build it up, and then it's over. i stay at home. the whole day, not one trick-r-treater. [ laughter ] the entire day. trick-r-treat. trick-r-treat. i used to like that-- trick-r-treat. remember halloween? thought i would have a really good halloween, my halloween costume. that was the role that i always felt i was born to play. you know those costumes that come in the box, though, with the cellophane top and band that lasts about a half a second? you know, you-- you go to your first house-- "trick-r--" it snapped. "i don't believe it. i don't--" and i go, the truth of this story is i got the costume, which was great, but it was a little cold. and my mother made me wear my winter coat over the costume. [ laughter ]
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so, i went out, with the coat, and the little red pants, flappin' on the bottom, you know. it's not really the superhero look was going for, you know. [ laughter ] i don't think superman ever said to lois lane, "is it chilly? should i take a light jacket, ya think? [ laughter ] i do have to leap a building, in a single bound, and i don't wanna get a sore throat. [ laughter ] i got the bullet races, this weekend, and all." so, you go around-- [ chuckling ] around-- and, i dunno. something-- the end of the-- the end of the night, you know, you're carryin' that bag, you're doin' a lot of walkin', there, and by the end of the night, you know, some of the fun of the whole idea kinda wears off, and you get a little put out. you're ringin' those doorbells, you know. the lady comes to the door, always with the same questions-- "what are you supposed to be?" "i'm supposed to be done, by now. if we just move it along, here, with the three musketeers? [ laughter ] i got eight houses to hit, on this block, lady. i got eggs, water balloons to throw. i'm just tryna get off my feet, by 11." [ laughter ] and they give you that little white bag, sometime-- that little white
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halloween printing on it-- twisted on the top. you know that's gonna be some crap candy. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i mean, you know, they don't even want you to see it. that's why they're putting it in the bag. what is that little orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut? "yeah, i got all the doorstops i got, right now." [ laughter ] inventing kids' candy has gotta be-- that's gotta be fun. i mean, there's just complete nutritional leeway. [ laughter ] whatever you can-- we had candy jawbreakers. do you remember this? "jawbreakers." this is the name of the product. [ laughter ] "jawbreakers--" that's what they were-- cement balls. if you tried to bite it, you could break your jaw! we thought, "this is great!" [ laughter ] twenty-five cents for a chance at serious injury? [ laughter ] this is value, in the kid mind. i dunno why you take chances, in life. you just-- i took a chance, this is a chance. [ laughter ] i coulda got a blue tie. it woulda been fine. no, i took a risk. no reason.
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i went skydiving-- i dunno, what was i? seventeen or something? i wasn't getting into the sport. i did it, just to do it. it's a great thing to do to your parents. they love this. [ laughter ] they just spent 17 years trying to protect you, from every conceivable physical harm. i come downstairs-- "mom, dad, it's a pretty nice day. what do you say we risk the whole ball of wax, right now? [ laughter ] [ applause ] you've invested your whole soul. let's roll the dice. [ laughter ] i go up in a plane, couple thousand feet, hurl myself out. i attempt to operate the parachute correctly, and avoid plummeting to an almost-certain death. can you lend me the 75 bucks for this, or what?" [ laughter ] and they let me go! i had to wear the winter coat, but i did it! [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] and this is the point that i'm tryna make here-- that you can do what you want, in life.
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we worked hard, we made it to that point. we waited to get to this point that we're all at, right now-- getting mail, parallel parking, cookies without asking. this is the power. [ laughter ] you can go home, tonight, and screw around with that thermostat, all you like. [ laughter ] i didn't touch a thermostat, till i was 28 years old, i was so afraid of it. [ laughter ] i was. i was in a hotel room, and i finally got up the guts. i made it a little warmer. the whole night, i thought in-- "who touched the thermostat, in here?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] "you know, i set it there, for a reason." [ laughter ] [ chuckling ] that's my dad. "i set it there for the--" "what is the reason, dad? what is the reason?" he would never tell me the reason. for years, i waited, to hear the reason. one day, he finally did sit me down, told me this whole story of the sperm, the egg, intercourse. i said, "dad, who cares? get to the part about the thermostat! [ laughter ] what does it really control?"
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[ applause ] [ cheering ] [ music ] >> that's good stuff. >> thank you. thank you. >> good-good humor. did you come from a large family? >> uh, well, no, it was a small family, but you have those big gather-- if you have-- if you find everyone that's in your family, it's gonna be big. >> right. >> and we just had one of those, and it's-- you know, it's just-- you know the excitement's gonna start, when your mother says, "let's all go sit in the living room." [ laughing ] >> "did you-- did you get enough to eat?" yeah. >> oh, god. i think the only reason they call it the living room is that's really the only activity you sustain, in there. [ laughing ] >> you're just-- [ laughter ] "well, i'm living." you know. >> yeah. >> yeah, "let's finish our coffee, and go to the living room." sure death. >> still living. >> we'll take a break. we'll be right back. [ applause ]
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guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him?
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love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara.
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[ music ] >> we're back. i think, uh, you'll enjoy
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i'm sure a lot of you already know oprah winfrey. she's a very outspoken, talented lady, who hosts her own syndicated talk show, called "the oprah winfrey show." this year, she made her movie debut, in steven spielberg's "the color purple," and was nominated for an academy award. would you welcome oprah winfrey? [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> i can't believe it! >> how are you, oprah? >> i'm on "the tonight show--" >> good to see you! >> with johnny carson and ed mcmahon. >> i'm on, too, by the way. [ laughter ] >> you see, comedians have an insecurity complex anyway. don't-don't do that. >> oh you're very funny, too. >> thank you. >> it's nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you. >> does that mean i'm not funny? >> no! [ laughing ] >> gonna pick on you, tonight. >> i wanna tell ya. there's this-- this awful feeling, just bere you come out, behind the curtain, you know? >> yeah. >> and, um, i came with my lawyer and one of my producers, and i'd asked her, before the show, to go out, and get me some pantyhose, 'cause they had a run, you know?
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and so, just as i was standing there, i s-- they slid down. >> felt the pantyhose-- >> yeah. [ laughter ] that's a horrible feeling, when you're on "the tonight show," with johnny carson, and your pantyhose are right here but -- >> a feeling i hope-- a feeling i hope never to have. [ laughter ] >> it's a bad feeling. >> anyway, so, i-i'm delighted, to meet you. >> i-- well-- >> did i pronounce your name correctly? >> you did! >> oprah-oprah winfrey. >> most people don't. most people don't. uh, i think it's-- >> i don't know why. that's not a difficult name. >> it isn't. >> sessue hayakawa is-is tough. [ chuckling ] >> but, i think it's because there's-- it's "harpo," backwards, you know. "harpo," backwards. >> oprah. >> oprah is "harpo," backwards. >> oh. >> and there-- because of that age, people think that there's a "fff" sound. >> ah. >> okay. and so, i get called ophrey, oprey, ophra. the other day, i was walking down the street, and a guy said, "ona williams! nice to see you." so-- >> oh, no. >> oh, no. >> they'll know ya know, though. >> i hope you. >> yeah. you've had an amazing, uh, success, the last couple years. >> it's been okay. >> your show is doing beautifully, all over the country. >> yeah. >> you have a natural ability for it, don't ya? >> well, i think-- >> you feel comfortable, when i see you. just seems to flow. >> yeah, i think so. i think that what works best
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>> yeah. >> the master of us all-- as you know, is-is your ability to feel comfortable in front of the camera. and i feel real good. >> yeah. >> except, there are days-- there are days, you know-- and nights-- i'm sure you've been through these-- when you know you have died, seven minutes into the show. >> yeah, i had a-- i had a-- [ laughing ] >> i had a green gold card, to show me how that works. [ laughing ] [ applause ] >> you know it's over. it's over. >> yeah, there's no-- where did you-- i don't think you learn that ability to feel comfortable. i think you're just-- you just naturally have it. i don't think you can go to a-- some kind of school-- >> no. >> and say, "here's the way you act." >> comfortable feeling school. you can't-- >> you be yourself. >> yeah. you just be yourself. and that's what works. and we do all kinds of, you know, great shows. um, we're sold, in 125 >> woe. that's great. about that. starting in september, we'll >> would you rather be a guest, or would you rather be, uh, asking the questions? >> i'd much rather be asking. this is-- >> me, too. >> yeah-- would you? >> yeah. i've done a couple of shows. "david letterman show," with david, and i was on with, uh, david frost, a few years ago, and barbara walters, and i felt very-- >> uncomfortable?
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>> why is that? [ laughter ] >> no, seriously. >> no, no, no. no, no. >> no, why-wh-- >> don't you understand the rules? [ laughing ] >> but is it because you think they're gonna ask you something, or you're going to-to, uh, tell them something that you really didn't want to? >> i think i'm a rather guarded individual. >> yeah. >> uh, or-or think i'm pri-- try to be private, and i always feel that somebody's going to intrude, and you gotta put that wall up. >> yeah, i-- >> and it's much easier, i guess, if you're in control of the situation. >> certainly. certainly, certainly. you know, that was one of my th-things, when i was doing, uh, "the color purple." i felt totally out of control. >> mmm. >> because being in an environment, you know-- >> sure. >> where i was a talk show host, every day-- all of a sudden, you're with steven spielberg, and you feel totally out of control. >> and prof-- and actors who have acted professionally before. >> oh. absolutely. and this is your first movie. it was amazing. yeah. >> how did you feel? >> well, i was pretty terrified. i mean, at one point, i remember walking onto the set, because the first day, first scene was mine. and i was so terrified that i tried to stand with my legs apart, so that when my-my knees shook, that it wouldn't move my whole body. >> i was really-- but, you know, steven helped us all, i think.
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all right. oh, we got a-- we got about a minute or so, uh, from "the color purple." does this need any, as they say, setting up? there's gotta be another word, to introduce a film clip, rather than, "does it need a setting up?" >> yeah, let me tell-- >> "explain what we're gonna see. >> this is what's so exciting, to me, because, from what i-- this is the first time this clip's been shown on television. >> really? >> they did this, just for you. >> oh, that's nice. >> yeah. and this is a scene, i think, when sofia goes to approach miss celie, who was played by, of course, the fabulous whoopi goldberg, and tells her that harpo, uh, has-has been beating her. that's because miss celie has told, uh, harpo to beat sofia. and this is sofia's response to miss celie. >> okay. from "the color purple." >> you told harpo to beat me! >> i-it was that mule, po. old joy. the-the-the-- old joy, the mule? i tell ya, i was about to plow that north field, and the mule just went crazy! he started kickin' and buckin'-- hit me, right there!
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>> all my life, i had to fight. i had to fight my daddy, i had to fight my uncles, i had to fight my brothers. girl child ain't safe, in a family of mens. but i ain't never thought i had to fight in my own house! i loves harpo. god knows i do! but i kill 'em dead, before i let him beat me. >> i got the hoof print. a hoof print, there, po? >> no, that look like a fist print, right there. >> no, no, sir! no, sir! there ain't no fist touch my face! no, sir. >> now, you want a dead son-in-law, miss celie? you keep on advisin' him, like you doin'. >> his life be over, soon. heaven lasts always. >> girl, you oughta bash his head open, and think about heaven later. that's sofia! [ applause ] [ cheering ] >> thanks. >> all right. >> well, obviously, you know--
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watching you work, you, uh-- you're a natural actress, aren't you? i mean, it's-- >> well, it's what i wanted to do, all my life. and that's what's so great about having, uh, been a part of "the color purple." it was really, really a dream come true, to me. >> yeah. >> i mean, i-- when i first read the book, three years ago, i said, "oh, please, god, let me find a way to get in this movie!" >> yeah. >> and i was basically discovered, by quincy jones-- >> yeah. >> who was going through chicago, and saw me on the air. so, i-i couldn't believe it. uh, when i thought i wanted to be-- when i said i wanted to be part of the movie, just when i heard they were making it, i wanted to be script girl or best boy. i didn't know what a best boy was, but i thought i could do that. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> were you more shocked, to getting the picture, or being nominated for academy award? >> i think, for me, the single greatest day of my life-- and i'm 32 years old, now-- it was when steven spielberg called willard pughs, pla-- who's, uh-- plays harpo-- which is "oprah" backwards. >> yes, of course. i'll never forget that. [ laughing ] >> when steven called us up and said, "you got the part." i mean, of course getting nominated's so wonderful, and i'm so honored.
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ever have those zing moments-- >> sure. >> when your brain just goes zing? >> yeah, that's what happened. >> yeah. when you were a little-- when you were a little girl, watching television, what did you watch? do you remember? when you were little? >> "leave it to beaver." >> "lea--" oh, tho--that was-- that's your era. right? >> that was it. "leave it to beaver." >> yeah. >> "leave it to beaver." i remember the first time i saw diana ross on "the ed sullivan show," too. was great, because, uh-- we were "colored people," then, and, uh-- >> that's right! [ laughing ] >> yeah. so, we were "colored," and everyone in the neighborhood called up, and said, "colored people are on! colored people are on!" [ laughing ] >> and i remember seeing-- really! it was so unusual, you know? so, i saw diana ross, and i thought, "gee! i wanna be like that." >> yeah. "i can do that." >> yeah. "i can do that." >> well, the dream was-- been fulfilled, isn't it? >> isn't this great? >> where do you go from here? what-what's next, on-- >> well, i'm doing "native son," with, um, akosua busia, who pla-- who was on here! >> yes. >> yeah? little akosua? >> yeah, yes. >> ain't she a little princess? >> she sure is. >> so, akosua and i are doing "native son," and, also, i think, brian dennehy is doing it-- geraldine page has been signed-- so, i'm excited about that. and doing my show. [ applause ]
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[ music ] >> thank you. i'm delighted, to meet you. thank you, for coming. >> thank you. >> uh, hope you have a happy night, at the academy awards. >> ooh! are you gonna be there? >> uh, no, i-i gave it the office, for five years. [ chuckling ] >> i think i'll watch from home. but thank you, and good luck. jerry will be at zanies, in chicago. >> right. >> zanies! >> starting february 26th. [ laughter ] >> right. thank you. >> good night. [ applause ] [ cheering ]
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i'm humbled, by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
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( humming continues ) ( chrissy starts humming ) uh, chrissy... this is fun. it certainly is. am i doing it right? i didn't know you could do the charleston. is that what i'm doing? yeah. how'd you pick it up so fast? i don't know. i just start moving and everything falls into place. that's so true. but it doesn't come that easy for me. i have to go by the book. charleston in ten easy lessons. yeah, i'm learning it for madeline wentworth. she's taking me to a roaring '20s party this saturday. 23 skiddoo! boop-boop-bee-do! hey, maybe i can help you learn it. yeah, you want to? that's good thinking. okay, right here. couples... okay, put your hand on my shoulder
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uh, this one. then i take your other hand and then i hold you very close. oka-ay. very close. our cheeks should be touching. our bodies should be as one. am i helping? you're not hurting. okay, now, what do we do? now, uh... we dance. you go back with this foot on three. one, two, three. ( both humming "charleston" ) now, dip. ( laughs ) okay, now what do we do? i can think of a lot of things. what kind of things? they're all the same things. jack! hey, guys. guys, there's going to be trouble. big trouble. we'll be all right as soon as jack remembers what to do next. what's the problem? well, i just talked to maxine devlin. big trouble, jack.
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i never touched her. the trouble's not you-- it's roper. he made a pass at her? that dirty old man... jack! this is important. yeah, jack. stop interrupting. go ahead, janet. well, maxine said... who's maxine? she's the tenant in 301. you know, the redhead with the beautiful soft skin. i thought you said you never touched her. well, uh... only around the elbow. i took her arm once to help her across the street. yeah! anybody want to hear this? yeah, but you keep stopping. maxine said that roper came upstairs this morning and raised her rent $75. $75? oh, poor maxine. yeah... poor us. she lives in a furnished aptment, too. if he raised her rent, he'll raise ours. i can hardly afford what i'm paying now! i know. i know i can't make it. me neither. i'm stretching it as far as i can now. we're all stretching a bit.
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what are we going to do? we'll fight him. we'll take him to court. yeah, yeah. no, that will never work. legally, he can raise the rent if he wants to. well... what about mrs. roper? she's on our side. maybe she can talk him out of doing it. uh-uh. not when it comes to money. ( sighs ) well, don't you two have any ideas? do i have to do all the thinking around here? we can't let that happen, no. i got it. what? what? what does roper really want? a raise in the rent. no. then we don't have anything to worry about. no, chrissy, look. i know this guy. what he really wants is people to respect him. people to admire him, people to pay attention to him. he wants people to love him. and we're going to see that he gets that. we can't afford to hire all those people.
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are us. right. now, we start off by inviting him to dinner, see? when he gets here, we'll... we'll butter him up flatter him and treat him like he's one of the family. he's right. a member of your own family can't raise the rent. it would be like, um... incest! ( phone ringing ) would you get that, helen? i'm working on my books. well, i'm working on my face. i'll get it. your job is tougher than mine. hello. oh, hi, jack. i'm fine. she's fine. we're both fine. the building is fine.
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now, what can i do for you? you want to what? oh, hang on. he wants to invite us to dinner tonight. oh, isn't that sweet? tell him we'll be delighted. mrs. roper will be delighted. me? it depends on what you're serving. oh, stanley, when people invite you to dinner you don't say things like that to them. we'll be there. he wants us there by 7:00. what are they serving? lamb chops, mashed potatoes and peas salad and hot cocoa. i don't like it. but those are your favorite dishes. that's just what i mean. i smell a rat, helen. oh, stanley, you're always so suspicious. they just want your company, that's all. why would people want my company? i've been asking myself that for years.
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what? they know i'm thinking of raising the rent. you are? why? well, everything's going up. electricity's going up water is going up, gas is going up. don't forget-- there's an energy shortage. how can i forget? you remind me every night. anyway, i'm raising the rents $75. seventy-fi..? oh, stanley! those few little things couldn't come to $75 a month. what about my services? isn't that worth something? i mean, can you name anybody in this building who can't get me when they need me? how's that? oh, it's perfect. roper's got to be impressed. jack, this is absolutely the last time i'm going to run out to that market for you by myself. why?
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what's wrong with that? he meant his home. ( phone ringing ) i'll get it. you okay? yeah, i'm okay. oh, good. you had me worried. any guy who would steal a bag of groceries-- there's no telling what he might do. did you get it all? yeah, i got everything on the list. oh, and i had 89 cents left over so i got a nice bottle of wine for mr. roper. 89 cents? yeah, well, it was the cheapest i could find. you could have shopped around. you're in the regal beagle? well, you're just around the corner from here. do you want to talk to jack? oh, okay. great. all right. bye-bye. who was that? a friend of yours. wanted to know if you were in the navy. what did you tell him? i said no, you were in the kitchen.
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to figure that one out. no! it's a joke. he got it right away. what else did he say? he said that he knew a jack tripper in the navy who was from san diego and he figured it must be you so he wanted to drop in and say hello. did he give his name? yeah. jim walsh. whoa! oh! jim wa... jim walsh?! he said you'd remember him. who's jim walsh? a navy friend of jack's. jim walsh never had a friend. nobody liked him. that was the one thing we could all agree on. this guy is a maniac. chrissy, if he calls again... he's not. oh, good. he's coming over. ( moans ) he's coming here tonight? yeah, well, he's in the regal beagle. the one night we're trying to get on roper's good side along comes jim walsh, who'll ruin everything. oh, jack, maybe it's not so bad. maybe he's changed. not jim walsh. that's the meanest person i ever met. one time this guy next to him sat on his hat by accident. jim walsh hauled off and broke his jaw
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jim walsh beat them up, too. couldn't anybody stop him? finally, but it took two priests and an altar boy to drag him out of the church. i don't believe you. it's true. the last time we met, we had a fight. you did? why? it was something i said. what did you say? i think it was "hello." they had to call the shore patrol. he put me in sick bay for a week. ( knocking on door ) he must be here. uh... well, maybe he just wants to call and talk over old times. maybe he wants to finish the fight. whatever he wants, i'll be ready for him! uh, jack? what?! i think you should take off your apron. huh?! take off the apron! i was going to. oh! be calm. ( knocking continues ) i'm calm. chrissy: let's just be calm. jack tripper, please? jim walsh?! jack?
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jim... jim walsh jack? i had no idea that... is that you, jack? yeah, that's you.
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be gentle. up, up. no! no! okay, over this way. come on. just a little bit more. okay, down. ow. ow. i hope you're satisfied. not if he's still moving. i'll get an ice pack. why did you hit me this time? don't play innocent with me, tripper. you cost me my stripes, that's why. me? yes, you. ensign smith'd never have known who hit him if you hadn't squealed. me? yes, you.
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you've got to be crazy. i couldn't have squealed to the captain. i was in sick bay all that week. you were? you're the one who put me there. oh, yeah. i sent you bouncing down those stairs like a bowling ball. here you are, jack. thank you, chrissy but i don't think that'll do much good. why not? he hit me on the jaw. ow! sorry. now that you know that you were wrong don't you have something to say? so i made mistake. a mistake? he should have hit somebody else. why? he doesn't even know us. uh, look, why don't you just apologize to jack and leave? what? and let jerk be one up on me? that's jack. he was always jerk to me. let's just forget the apology. how about leaving?
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what? go on. you hit me. i will not. come on, you got to hit me. you're crazy. i can't hit you. why not? you owe me, don't you? well, yeah, but you're blind. now, you hit me, damn it. just because i am blind is no reason to treat me like a second-class citizen. now go on, give it your best sh. there is no way i'd hit you. and there's no way i'll let a panty waist like you be one up on me. i'm not leaving until you hit me. ( doorbell ringing ) ah, that's the ropers. look... i mean, listen, uh... we got guests so would you mind leaving? right after you hit me. chrissy, try to get rid of him. you want me to hit him? no. look, uh, uh... this is a very important dinner party. i am staying right here until jack hits me. oh, boy. hi. come on in. oh, hi.
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oh... i didn't know you had company. we don't. mr. and mrs. roper, this is jim walsh. hi. how do you do? hi. he can't see. ( yelling ): i'm very pleased to meet you. this is my wife, mrs. roper. i'm blind, not deaf. oh, i'm sorry. pleased to meet you. i'm holding out my hand. now we're shaking hands. are you a friend of jack's? yeah, we were in the navy together. they let people like jack in the navy? people like what? you know... what? what's happening?
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and he's tinkling with the other. well, la-dee-da. not me, jack. oh, hi, mr. and mrs. roper. dinner's almost ready. we'll start on the salad. mr. roper, right over here. oh, my goodness the table looks just lovely. you sit right here. oh, thank you, jack. oh, isn't mr. walsh joining us? no. i'm waiting for jack to hit me. what? we were playing blackjack. i don't see any cards. no. they're in the kitchen. the kitchen. my lamb chops. i'll still be here, jack. say, jim, you know, i was just wondering if maybe you'd leave before you spoil jack's dinner party. yeah. can't you tell when you're not wanted? what kind of friend are you? you broads really... we're not broads. you ladies really look out for him. well, of course. we're roommates. roommates?
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it's not what you think. oh, yeah? look, i may be blind, but i'm not blind. no. stop. come on, jack, you going take a poke at me or not? what's he talking about? nothing. nothing. eat your salad before it gets cold. jack, listen, you're going to have to do something about jim. there's no way we can butter up roper with him in the way. i'm busy with dinner. can't you girls keep him occupied? i could show him around the apartment. so you were in the navy, huh? i bet you got some great stories. oh, yeah, i do. did you ever hear the one about the guy running down the street stark naked? hold it. we don't want to hear that. speak for yourself, stanley. i'm talking about war stories. where were you hurt? were you in vietnam? no. it was arkansas.
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no. i had a little business there. what happened? my still blew up. oh, is that how you lost your sight? i'm going to get it back. a doctor said this is only temporary. oh, that's nice. i bet you can't wait to see us all. you lose. i got it. i got it. he can't see, right? so? so you tell him i left the apartment. it won't work. why not? ( shrieks ) it's no good, jack. you can't sneak out on me. i can smell you. all right, you're asking for it. it's what i'm waiting for. oh, no, you're not going to get me that way. i'm not leaving until you hit me. we'll ignore you. you hear that? just ignore him. ignore him, everybody. he's not here. you're not here. you'll be sorry.
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hang on a second. y'all mind if i sit down here? no. go right ahead. did you change your mind about having dinner, mr. walsh? no. i'm just waiting for jack to hit me. what's all this hitting business? ignore him. enjoy your meal. go ahead and eat, stanley. i can't eat with a blind man watching me. ignore him. now, there we go. ah... and, mr. roper, uh... how about some nice wine? oh, my favorite wine. here, here, let me pour it for you. you don't have to do that. it's good practice for me. hey, hey, hey.
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this isn't happening. but it's cold. oh, mr. roper... let me do that! okay, jack, you going to hit me now, jack? food all right? mr. roper, you better take your pants off right away. what? takes more than a little wine to get stanley out of his pants. i-i want you to enjoy your meal now, okay? oh, jack, it's delicious. what are you folks having? lamp chops, my favorite. oh, really? i hate them. hey! hey! hey! ignore him. he just threw my lamb chop on the floor. let me find it for you. no, you don't have to. oh, no, no. it's my fault. i'll find it for you. ignore it. well, there's no lamb chops over there. let me see what i can find over here.
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ignore it. is that my radio? jack, let's just ignore it. i'll just run in the kitchen see if i can find some more chops. he's in our bedroom. janet, now we're here to have a wonderful dinner with our wonderful friends and that's just exactly what we're going to do. ( glass shattering ) ( glass shattering ) that wasn't the kitchen. would you all excuse me for a moment? everybody ignore him. while we're ignoring him could you do me a favor? anything you say. hit him. hit him! oh, jack. hit him. jack, you can't hit a blind... lady, keep your big fat nose out of this. hit him! chrissy? he knocked the stuffing out of your teddy bear. hit him! jack: okay, you win. it's about time.
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okay. it's going to be a right cross and it's coming right now. jack! jack! oh, honey. no! you punched him again! yeah, serves him right for trying to hit a blind man.
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you should have ignored him, jack. come on. we're leaving. so soon? i'm hungry. come on, helen. we'll break out the peanut butter. mr. roper, wait. about the rent... the rent? yeah. i'm not raising your rent. you're not? you're not? no. you're going to have enough trouble paying
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three's company was videotaped in front of a studio audience. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
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janet, you don't mind if i use your hot rollers, do you? no, but your hair looks fine to me. it's not for my hair. i put them in the fridge. you put my electric rollers in the refrigerator? yeah, to defrost it. no, chrissy, you don't put elec... oh, chrissy, chrissy, bring a mop! ( phone ringing ) oh, the carpet... it's ringing! no, it's not. it's the telephone. you are working too hard.
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hello. could i please speak to jack tripper? he's not home right now. can i take a message? um, well, it's kind of personal. well, that's okay. i won't listen. excuse me? jack's not here right now. he's upstairs at his friend's apartment. do you want the phone number? yeah, please. okay, hang on. hey, larry, it's really nice of you treating me tohe lakers game like this. come on, what are friends for? actually, i was going to take betty but... she's a lost cause. who, betty? yeah. uh... betty, betty, betty... ah, betty. look out! that picture does not lie either. she's got a fantastic figure-- 42-21-36. and great shoulders. she'd need them to hold all that up.
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is her mouth. what's wrong with it? it keeps saying "no." and i thought you were supposed to be irresistible. i am. she happens to be the exception to the rule. so i said good-bye and gave her my mother's wedding ring to remember me by. wait a minute. you gave her your mother's wedding ring? a wonderful and valuable heirloom. i keep a supply of them on hand... for just such occasions, you know? yeah. you are an organized cad, aren't you, larry? it's one of my rules-- always leave them happy. like betty said to me-- "engelbert," she said, "i shall treasure this ri..." engelbert? it's another one of my rules-- never give them your real name. why not? you've got so much to learn, haven't you, jack? teach me.
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when you're trying to break it up, right? i mean, they're running around asking if anybody's seen paul redford or robert newman... ( phone ringing ) yello. hello. could i please speak to jack tripper? this is sandra boyd. yeah, sure... sandra boyd? cute little brunette with a mole on your...? that's right. could i talk to jack? speaking. this is terrific hearing from you. how did you get this number? well, i called your number first and they gave me this one. you called mine first? well, it's in the phone book. of all the dumb... what? i-i said this is fun. fun. jack, how come you haven't called me? not for weeks. well, now you know how it is with us airline pilots. always flying off somewhere. i thought you said you were a dentist. uh, only in my spare time.
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um, jack, look, i've got to come by and talk to you. jack? oh, what a shame. we got cut off. let's get to the game. don't just sit there. the game doesn't start for hours. neither does the car i'm driving. come on. stanley... come on, dumbbell, say it. ( squawking ) you're not going to get your birdseed till you say it. stanley. stanley. stanley. oh, now that was you, helen. i know it was me. you'll never get that bird to talk. i think he's got a lazy beak. he came to the right house. when are you going to fix the window for the kids upstairs?
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