tv Today NBC February 19, 2016 10:00am-11:00am PST
jeannie: oh! it's beautiful, master. yeah. it says, "the cornerstone was laid," um, "december 31st, 1879. the palace is a monument to the era of hawaiian monarchy." how about that? [banging] roger, what are you doing? are you gonna eat that thing or are you gonna beat it to death? i'm trying to get it open. i wonder how many hawaiians starved to death waiting for their breakfast. well, it says in this book that king kamehameha could open a coconut with just two fingers. two fingers? oh, you can't believe everything you read. he must have been a very powerful man. oh, yeah. he was a great man. "kamehameha nui was the most--" i thought we were talking about king kamehameha. oh, yeah. well, uh, nui means "the great" in hawaiian. it says here, "over 200 years ago, "he defended these islands against the invaders and drove them over the pali." i sure would have liked to have met him. i did say i wish i could have met him, didn't i? yes, master.
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ah. hello, sir. uh-- i can't tell you what a pleasure it is to meet you. [in hawaiian] yes, well. uh, thi-this is honolulu. roger: can you really break open a coconut? just put it away. can you imagine what a thrill this is gonna be for him? but if he could break this open-- just-- just forget it, will you? he has a chance to see what civilization has done for his country. oh! this is so exciting. yes, yes. [in hawaiian] let's get him out of here. get him out of here. take care of the lady, will you? yeah.
your majesty... that's yours. thanks. sorry. i told you to keep your eye on him. what's a--? well, he couldn't have gone far. yeah, well, he's probably out in the garden cracking coconuts. oh. [grunting] oh. i think we have found him. [woman shrieks] oh. your-- your majesty. uh, what are you doing, sir? this man steal royal whale teeth. pineapple no can eat. [hiss] this progress? flowers no can smell. that progress? master, i do not think he likes civilization. why do we not send him back? he's gonna love civilization. hide plant from sun. that progress? oh! oh, your majesty. if-- just a moment, sir. do you intend to pay for the damages? no, i'm afraid not. or do i call the police? [gasps] how much? how much? pay him, will you? yeah.
uh-- uh, your majesty... look. gods are angry, make rain fall up. [stuttering] must make rain dance. oh. well, that won't be-- where rain dancers? oh, well, they don't work on sundays. it's a strong union. [kamehameha singing in hawaiian] pardon me, sir. what are you doing? must make gods happy. make rain dance. come. who--? me? takes three to make rain dance. come! well, it takes two to tango. come! what are we gonna do? we're gonna do a little rain dance. roger: i've never done the rain dance before. i've never done any kind of dance before. humor him.
did you say you were doing a rain dance? uh, yes, sir. one of our hawaiian friends was teaching us some of the chants of the island. once it's raining, there's no sense hanging around. very good seeing you, sir. come on, roge. they made it rain? [shouting] i did it! i did it! i made it rain! i made it rain?
he's not out in front. he's not out back either. oh, i never thought i'd be playing nursemaid to a king. boy, think of all those beautiful girls on the beach. roger, will you forget about the beautiful girls. we got important things to do-- forget the beautiful girls on the beach? why did you have to send for him? i didn't send for him. jeannie-- now, don't start-- why don't we call the police, and they'll send out an alarm-- when they find him, you can explain who he is. you do it. all right, okay. i wish he didn't have such a terrible temper. roger, that's why we're trying to find him. really. that's why we're trying-- oh. i've been looking everywhere for you. it worked. it worked. what worked, sir? your rain dance. why, it's the most amazing thing that ever happened to me. look at me. uh, what's-- one moment the sun was shining, and then i went... [chanting in hawaiian] it was incredible. why--? where is he? where can we find him? whe-where's who, sir? that native fellow you were dancing with. the rainmaker.
have you any idea what it would mean? it would certainly shake up the boys in meteorology. well, i think so. predicting the weather is one thing, but making the weather? why, we're just beginning to experiment. of course, you'd have to do it with a straight face. a straight face? especially when they point out to you that here in the tropics, it can be sun shining one minute and pouring down rain the next. could it have been a coincidence? it's a great practical joke, sir. i can see the expression on the scientist's face, and the generals are standing around watching this guy... [chanting in hawaiian] i didn't know the general had atense of humor. ah. he hasn't. [laughs] and this is gonna be a very expensive joke. flying this guy to washington. [both laugh] oh. much too expensive. i-- i don't know what i could have been thinking of. i-- oh, gentlemen, will you, uh, please do me a favor? uh, forget-- forget i ever mentioned it. please. please, i'm-- must get out of here.
wait, please... [sighs] oh, you're beautiful. you know, you don't need a genie. yeah. hey, listen, let's find jeannie and get-- get the king. come on. oh. all right, roger... you go that way. i'll go this way. wait a minute. maybe we better forget about the whole thing. we can't let our king run around loose. wait a minute. which way was i supposed to go again? roger! don't tell me, don't tell me. [glass breaking] i think we have found him again. [ ]
oh! oh, no! [shouting] come here, roger. come on, come on. oh. oh. are you all right, sir? oh, yeah. [speaks indistinctly] whoa! oh. we thought we had lost you. it's dead. who's dead? who's dead? who's dead? what is it, sir? there is no green grass. they have killed it. you have done this. is pali still here? pali? pali? oh, uh, the-- the scene of your big victory. yes, sir. it certainly is. would you-- would you like to see it? i see it with my army. i-i beg your pardon? yes, kamehameha nui raise army.
[laughing] you must be joking, sir. you just can't raise an army and take over an island this size. oh, yes, he can, master. uh, just stay out of this, jeannie. bellows: major nelson. huh? ah-- roger. would you like to keep an eye on the king, please? yes, sir. can i help you? general laughton is giving a luau tonight, and he asked that you both be invited. oh, well, i'm afraid i can't tonight, sir. uh, 7:00. 7:00 would be fine. good. now if you will excuse me, i have a meeting. uh, yes, sir. yes, sir. he's having a meeting, and we're having an invasion. oh. don't worry about king kamehameha. jeannie's got her eye on him. [laughs] what are you doing? what are you doing here? i am eating pineapple, master. where's king kamehameha? [chuckles] i do not know, master. do you know these are delicious with salt? salt already. you mean you let him out of your sight? why, yes, master. you told me not to interfere. why don't we put in for a transfer? maybe-- maybe to submarine service.
he's probably forgotten all about it. yeah. the invasion idea. [all chuckle] i do not think so. [laughs] [bird caws] ah. good war canoe. i take. uh, anything you say, chief. you want to rent one? i need 1,000 war canoes. yeah, sure. i can let you have five, but the others won't be back till 3:30. and they're $2 an hour. hm. five. never mind. i invade by land. sure getting some wild tourists this season. the-- these plastic pineapples are just darling. oh! [speaks in hawaiian] oh! that would look wonderful on my husband. where did you get that? bah! [gasps] well...
[speaks in hawaiian] i want 1,000 spear. a thousand spears? what do you wanna do? start a war? i have this nice book... [grunts] [jazz music playing inside] man: hey, carla, could you come here a minute? okay. play drum. [tribal beat playing] when do i get paid? louder. hey! turn that radio down. that's no radio. that's an old hawaiian war call.
who is in charge here? it is king kamehameha. king kamehameha has come back. it is a miracle. rise. what do you wish of us, oh, mighty one? tonight, we conquer hawaii. i sure wish i knew where the king was right now. i'll tell you where he is, roger. he's up at the pali contemplating his own victory. oh, you don't think he's serious about that-- that invasion business, do you?
[bird calling] [making bird calls] [making bird calls] [people chattering] roger: ah, look what we have here. tony: oh. thank you. ah, thank you. mine's a little rare, why don't we go up to my room and cook it? [speaks indistinctly] roger: wow, are they beautiful. whoo! are you enjoying yourselves, gentlemen? tony: oh, yes, sir, thank you very much. i'm looking forward to a quiet and restful evening.
[bird calls] tony: boy, i'd like another rib. mine's a little rare. why don't we go-- jeannie, what are you doing here? this is my first luau. oh, really? oh, you'll love it. there's a lot of great food and good music. she can't stay. you'll hate it. the music's bad and the food's bad. oh, i'm going to stay. no, you're not. now, listen here-- have fun. tony: oh, wait a minute, je-- uh-- see those two? they are the chiefs. we kill them first. we kill them? i don't know. that's what king kamehameha ordered.
we're having a dinner dance at the country club. have you tried the poi, major healey? no, but i've certainly heard a lot about it. you just stick your finger right in like this. oh. mm! how is it, roge? mm-mm. [shouting in hawaiian] [men shouting] oh, the entertainment's starting. did you arrange for this, doctor? uh, no, general. uh, did you, major nelson? you may not believe it, but i think they're attacking. [laughing] [shouting] wait a minute. there's gail. there's carla. man: carla! oh, there is tommy. and billy. come on. the luau looks good. dave.
what are you boys doing with those spears? it's kind of hard to explain. come, we have extra food at the luau. why don't you come and join us? gee, i don't know. come on. look. that's what the other boys are doing. why not? [applause] this is a marvelous idea, major. it almost looked real. [laughs] yes, didn't it? where did you get the hula girls? what hula girls, sir? look.
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i wish you wouldn't go back yet, sir. i'd-- i'd like another chance to show you. you should not have brought me here. my people have forgotten me. forgotten you? oh, but that is not true. everything i have tried to do for them was written on the wind. oh, you are wrong. i will show you. wait. what are you gonna do? master, do you not know what day this is? this is king kamehameha day. i thought today was monday. [sighs] every year on june 11th, your people honor your memory. i do not believe this.
[marching band playing] not here. well-- wha--? very good. wha--? look, your majesty. this? to honor me? oh, yes, your majesty. ah. i am not displeased. [chattering] my people have not forgotten me. i not understand your way of life... but my people seem happy. perhaps this progress is good for them.
oh, i am sure it is, your majesty. i am ready to return now. well, it's certainly been a pleasure meeting you, sir. [indistinct word] well, uh, maybe next time you can show me that coconut trick. you make sure your civilization take care of my people. i know, i will. uh, you-- you can count on that, sir. i am ready. oh, boy. there goes one of the nicest kings i ever met. i wonder what king tut was like? would you like to meet him, general--? well-- just watch the parade, huh? i'll go too. [people applauding] surprise, master. surprise, major healey. [chuckles] hey. i am preparing luncheon. is it not scrumptious?
really? yeah. well, if that is what you wish. no, no, jeannie. no horses and no lunch. roger and i volunteered for a nutritional experiment at the base hospital. yeah, duty. [doorbell rings] i'll get it. oh, but, master, you know how cranky you get when you do not eat. yeah, no, this is duty, jeannie. really. yes, but this is red meat, whole protein. roger: dr. bellows! it's dr. bellows, he's here. uh, would you pop out now, jeannie? please? oh, master, the steaks will burn. dr. bellows is gonna drive us to the base hospital, please. thank you. okay. what are you doing up there? dr. bellows! oh, it's him. dr. bellows. dr. bellows. well, are you ready and eager to get underway, gentlemen? tony: oh, yes, quite ready. right. you seem rather tense. oh, me? no, no, no, i'm moose as a loose-- noose as a goose-- you know what i mean. [laughing] of course, i understand. at first, i couldn't imagine why you were eager
and then i remembered the new swedish nurses at the hospital. naive of me, wasn't it? swedish nurses? well, how about that? did you know there were swedish nurses over at the hospital? you kidding? you mean sonia and ingrid, the beautiful girls? [laughs] let's go, sir. whatever-- oh, yeah, well, i mean, you know, you just have to-- they're a little ugly there. they've got big noses and hair like spaghetti. well, we'll just have to bear it, huh? ha-ha-ha! duty, duty. oh, thanks. thank you very much, thank you. [laughs] oh, thanks for setting that up for us. thank you, bye. ho-ho-ho! goodbye, see you later. goodbye. well, my three looked great. i can't believe that we're here. did you see those blonds greta and ingrid and sonia? yeah, greta's the one with the big--
--nose and skinny legs and knobbly knees. yeah. oh, hey, look who's here. now, i know what you're thinking and you're absolutely wrong. we volunteered for this job, jeannie. ooh! now, now, now-- hey, wait. oh. there you are. what did you--? get it off. come on, pull it down. [knock on door] here we are, commander. [grunting]
uh, commander porter intends to use you to prove that the astronaut nutrition program is inadequate. that's right. i'm really gonna put the pressure on you. brutal hard pressure. and if you think your astronaut diet of rich food and ladyfingers is gonna keep you going, you're wrong. boys, in just 24 hours, i'm gonna reduce you to broken, sniveling wrecks.
for-- for the good of our country, of course. and, uh... what have you to, uh, say to that? sounds great. can't wait. good. i like doomed men to show spirit. ha-ha-ha! okay, let's warm up with, uh, 20 laps around the water tower. uh, t-the water tower, sir? that's on the roof, dr. bellows. that's 12 floors. you do mean for them to take the elevator, don't you? [chuckles] up the fire escape. go. [blows whistle] faster. four hundred and ninety-nine. five hundred. fifty more.
commander porter's vitamin pill. [both grunting] i see those nurses have worn you out. jeannie, we're in the hands of a madman. ha! no, honestly, the nurses didn't have anything to do with it. i-- i-- tell her, roge. tell her, tell jeannie. jeannie, he's trying to kill us. no, not that. jeannie... oh! oh, jeannie. oh, are we glad to see you. jeannie, look at me. look-- look at me. look at my hollow eyes. my sunken cheeks. we've been starved, steamed and strained.
this commander porter was mistreating you? why didn't we tell her? because-- oh, well, i guess it was just his foolish pride. you are sure you have not been having fun with these nurses? my word of honor. and you are very hungry? yeah, hungry. starved. oh, so hungry. oh, yeah. oh. food! oh, remind me to have your bottle air-conditioned. yes, roge. mmm. oooh. [knock on door] woman: major nelson. major healey. your favorite nurse is here again. you naughty boys. naughty boys? oh, no, no, it's not what you think. ohhh. no, it really isn't. jeannie, now, now, don't-- don't take your food. here, get-- oh! ow! ow! jeannie, come back.
ha-ha-ha! amazing. you know something, healey? you and nelson have lost enough fat to make a full-grown jockey. [laughs] i can't tell you how this pleases me. how much longer is this gonna take, sir? oh, we're just getting started. yes, sir, we're just getting started. i want dr. bellows to see you. oh, uh, come along, miss, uh, lugosi. you can take more blood later. that should put a smile on your face. oh, my poor master. i saw everything and i am so ashamed. i am not fit to be your genie. i am a complete flip. flop. flop. jeannie, is that you? oh. poor sweet master. you have grown so skinny, even your head feels thin. oh, but do not worry. i shall arrange a feast of the ages.
hummingbird's feet. ohhh. hold the bird feet, jeannie, it's too late. i think we've had it. oh, we're too bushed to move. well, then i will unbush you. [laughing] i'm up. i'm moving. i feel great. i feel like a tiger. [grunting] ha-ha-ha! now no one will be ashamed of you. jeannie, jeannie, it's too fast. slow us down. oh. oh, take it easy, jeannie. we're going too fast. too fast. slow us down. wait a minute. we're too fast. oh, dear. i think my unbushing spell needs work. what shape are they in, commander? i'd say they we're shapeless. ha-ha-ha-ha! it's pitiful.
well, look for yourself. [chuckles] [gasps] incredible. sickening the way those chowhounds fell apart, isn't it? fell apart? you better take another look, commander. i don't know how they're doing it but they're hopping around like jumping beans on a skillet. what? let me see. i say this proves that your analysis of the astronaut's diet was incorrect. no, i... i was right. their diet was trash. what's keeping those boys going is my special vitamin pills. your vitamin pills? secret formula. i broke 'em down, but my pills built 'em right up again. they can take it. now, i can hit 'em with the real test.
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announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. ohhh. oh, boy. oh, boy. phew! oh, boy, i don't know about you, but i'm starved. oh, do not worry, jeannie is here. what are you--? what are you doing here? oh, thanks, jeannie, but no thanks. we can't. you do not like turkey and cranberries and-- and sweet potatoes and white potatoes and pickles. no, you see, commander porter is taking the same test with us. he's eating everything we do. it's him against us. we're gonna beat him at his own game. yeah. i think you are both being very foolish.
porter: nelson, healey, yo! get out, go on, out. take this with you, go on. well, well. hey, sir. [chuckling] came up empty-handed, didn't you, from the hunt? well, lucky for you, commander porter's a master at the art of food-finding. yeah. today, we feast. yes, sir. swamp roots, lily buds, nice juicy snails. here, boys, try one of the crickets. they're delicious. [sniffing] hey, uh... y-you guys smell roast turkey? yeah, we smell turkey-- no, we can't be smelling roast turkey. if we were smelling roast turkey, we'd be having a hallucination. and we can't be having a hallucination, not with the commander porter handbook for survival. ha-ha! yeah, yeah. you're right, i-i didn't smell roast turkey.
[sniffs] no, i-- i don't smell roast turkey or cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. uh, check? check. i don't even smell oyster dressing. [chuckling] no. hey, this looks good. funny, uh... well, chow down. [both grunting] you must let me help you, master. you are getting weaker by the minute. no, no, i'm gonna do it. ohhh, i will not allow my master to go hungry. i know, i will fix you a-- a-- a cornish hen. no, a squab with-- no, that is not big enough for two hungry men. i know. a nice big chicken. [roaring] oh, dear. [clucking loudly]
hello, dr. bellows. eh, commander porter here. are you alone? yes, i am, commander. what seems to be the difficulty? a turkey dinner that wasn't there? there's nothing wrong with you, commander. uh, don't ask me how i know, but believe me, you're as sane as i am. just take two aspirins and stay away from major nelson and major healey. thanks, doc. i-i knew my porter system wouldn't fail me. i feel a lot better. w-what? uh, sorry, i couldn't hear you on account of the giant chicken. a giant chicken. giant chicken? [mouthed speech] i don't see
jeannie, now you get rid of that thing. you just get rid of it. yes, master. all right. all right. all right, uh, please just don't try to help us anymore. roger, let's go and try to find some real food, huh? oh, please, master, let me get you some food. no, jeannie, we're not allowed to accept food unless it's from the natives, like it says in the handbook. yeah, come on. yeah. "food and shelter may sometimes be found at a friendly native village." porter: no... th-there was no chicken. dr. bellows knows what he's talking about. i didn't see nothing. all right.
looks like one... but it isn't here. m-m-m-my vitamins. i'll take some more of my vitamins. when i open my eyes, it'll-- it'll all be gone. all gone. you may accept this food, please. we are friendly native village. just like in your book. you aren't here. it's like i could just reach out and touch you, but you're not here. it's a-- what do you call it? uh, a mirage. that's what it is, a mirage. and i'll-- i'll--- i'll prove it-- it's a mirage.
infidel dog. you have desecrated the tents of the women. for this, you must die. d-die? [chuckles] wh-what am i worried about? there's nobody here. i'm all alone with a big hairy mirage. you don't exist. seize him. th-this isn't happening. uh, put me down, fellows, will you? put me down. oh. master? master? porter: put me down. "approach nest from north side of tree. carefully remove eggs." ungh! uh, steady, little to the right, okay? tony: okay. look, pull. jeannie: master! master! be careful will you. huh? master! oh, master! what is it? danger-- what's that? [creaking] huh? oh, sorry, roge. oh, major healey.
what is it? oh, there's no time to explain. what is it? oh, cousin hamid, no! do not kill him. the infidel must die. who are they? oh, friends, this is cousin hamid. this is my beloved master major nelson and major healey. welcome to my humble village. my tent is your tent. and now, if you will excuse me, i must cut your friend to ribbons. uh, wait. wait. hi, nelson. you in my mirage too? [chuckles] hi. can't you help--? can't you help him? that is cousin hamid. [growls] ha! what's the matter, big stuff? can't you aim good? [laughs] [growls] oh, now my mirage is mad. why don't you try it again?
for a mirage, you have terrible breath. no, no-- did you do it? did you? i cannot kill a man who shows no fear. his courage has won him life and the right to wear the robes of hadjibaba. oh. [chuckles] but thank you, cousin, for a very entertaining diversion. i will see you in 2,000 years at the family picnic? [chuckles] dress will be casual. no, no, no, no, no, no. don't bother. i know the way out. bye-bye. [jeannie laughing] tony: well... jeannie: you see? i knew it would work out all right. oh. let's get porter off that stake. [whistles] oh, master, the robes of hadjibaba. yeah, never mind that, come on. roger: whoa! oh. are you all right? you all right?
you're here too. gee, what a crowded mirage. where'd you get her? never mind. i'll snap out of this and you'll all be gone. uh, sir, i think we'd better explain-- step back. i'd like to try out this big knife. that guy in the mirage really tried to give it to me. hey, you know something? this knife is real. whoa! are you all right, sir? are you all right, sir? commander porter? are you all right, sir? bellows: major healey, commander, can you hear me? oh, it must be dr. bellows. oh, it must be a search party. how are we gonna--? how are we gonna explain sheikh ali ben porter? um, jeannie? oh, well, you will think of something. i wish i could. yeah-- oh. oh, are you all right? sir? sir?
mirage. it was real. nelson. yes, sir. healey, it was real! yes, yes. the knife. it-- it's gone, but it was here. it was right here. sir, you're weak from lack of food. don't baby me. there was a giant with a beard and-- and tents and a blond. sir, you're an inspiration to all your men, giving us your food like that. a-and the giant chicken, i saw it too. a-and this knife-- where's the knife? he tried to cut me to ribbons. no, no, no. i gave you my food? yes. no, i had on this weird housecoat, a-and my shoes curled up at the toes. dr. bellows is-- is searching for us, sir. uh, uh, let me explain what happened.
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they were most impressed with your showing. tony: we only did our duty, sir. we learned from commander porter's example. mmm, it was his principles of dedication and self-sacrifice. i'm glad to hear you say that, because the department of defense would like you to share the survival techniques. [knock on door] [all chattering] bellows: ah, come in, sir. hi, fellas. it's me. now, you're going to show me how you did it. we're going back out to skull island and we're gonna stay there until i know everything you know. so stop sitting there like lard-bellied yo-yos and move. move! [blows whistle] roge.
green acres is the place to be farm livin' is the life for me land spreadin' out so far and wide keep manhattan, just give me that countryside new york is where i'd rather stay i get allergic smelling hay i just adore a penthouse view darling, i love you, but give me park avenue the chores the stores fresh air times square you are my wife good-bye, city life