tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 19, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST
you know what i mean. >> the lowest point in my life when i was living. >> outside of show business. >> outside of show business. i'll answer that question if you answer that question. >> sure. >> what was the lowest point in your life. your personal life, outside the show. >> when i first got divorced. >> your first time. >> uh-huh. >> that was the hardest time? >> yep. >> see, i wouldn't reveal anything that personal. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ booing ] >> see -- >> this -- >> look at how they are booing you. >> that's -- that's -- that's nothing. [ laughter ] >> this is sweeps week so you will really reveal anything. >> of course. for rating i will go through my whole life. >> i--i too was very depressed when you were divorced. because you have -- >> you have never been divorced, have you? >> uh -- i didn't know that. >> i didn't say that.
apparently you have. this is the second marriage you are on. >> what do you mean you are on? >> you are currently in your second marriage. i would guess by the way you hesitated. you didn't answer. >> i have a two-year-old son. [ laughter ] >> nicky -- >> i'll alert the media. [ laughter ] >> is it from your first wife or your second wife? >> it's from my present wife. >> you have answered the question. >> but the lowest point of my life is probably still to come. [ laughter ] >> i'll look forward to that. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> we'll take a break,
my next guest is a young comedian making his very first appearance on the tonight show. he is going to be at the improve next week, he became a character on the bob newhart show. a security guard named floyd d. barber. would you welcome j.j. wall. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. yeah, the newhart show has been going pretty good for me. two seasons ago i played the part of guest at the end. then they moved me up, i played male guest at the end. [ laughter ] season after that. and next season they are bringing me back to play the part of newhart. [ laughter ] >> that's a lie. i'm sorry i lied. i'm a liar, i can't help it. i have been a liar my whole life. always been a liar. well, that's not true. [ laughter ] >> i sought help i went to a group called liars anonymous. i takes you six months to even find them because they keep giving you the wrong address in all of their advertising.
even when you knock on the door they are like come on in it's open. [ laughter ] >> i went to one meeting, i said i don't know why i'm here i'm not a liar. they said you are in. [ laughter ] >> from new york originally, that's where i grew up, new york. [ applause ] >> i guess i was right. [ laughter ] >> i tell you one thing i miss about new york cabs. wonderful things, cabs. wonderful program. i really think so. you can go out have a good time all night long and find somebody else to drive you home. it's terrific. in new york you step off of a curb, raise your hand and some non-english-speaking person in a yellow car picks you up. where are you going?-- pakistan. i know how to get there. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> geez can you imagine my luck. [ laughter ] >> you want to go bridge or tunnel? [ laughter ] >> whatever the quickest way is. i have to be there by noon. no problem, no problem.
[ laughter ] >> my wife is from new york too. serious temper on this woman. i saw her temper in action, first time, we were married about six months and she was feeling insecure one day, and she said the way the world is today you will probably leave me some day for some younger beautiful woman. i thought this was ridiculous, so i figured i could joke her out of it. this is called a bad choice of technique. [ laughter ] >> i looked at her and said, honey, i don't want a young incredibly beautiful woman. [ laughter ] i want you. [ laughter ] >> we lost the blender during that argument. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> and i learned two very valuable lessons, i learned my wife has a world class temper and she can throw for speed as well as accuracy. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah.
a 17-month-old baby girl. which is nice, real nice. [ applause ] it's okay, i don't really deserve any applause my part was a pleasure. [ laughter ] i would do it again in a minute. [ laughter ] >> 17 months old. so great when the baby is born, you call everybody you know and tell them how much the baby weighed and stuff. she was a little over 7 pounds and 19 inches long. i was so nuts when i called a friend of mine, i actually left a message saying she was 19 pounds, 7 inches long. [ laughter ] kind of a short squat full-figured gal. [ laughter ] >> i guess you would call her a high-density child. what is he thinking on the other end, oh, great, a 7-inch manhole cover. [ laughter ] >> now we have to raise the child. i was raised irish catholic myself. that was my upbringing. [ applause ] >> so i'm pretty sure i'm going to hell.
[ applause ] >> i don't mean to ruin anybody's evening here, if you are raised catholic, pack that asbestos luggage right now, because you are going to hell. [ laughter ] and depending on the way you look at it, it's not the worse thing, once you get to hell you know you have screwed your life up as much as you possibly can. nothing worse can happen. i say relax, go with the whole hell experience. don't do any work in hell. what, shovel coal? get the hell out of here. [ laughter ] oh, i guess you did. [ laughter ] >> what do you mean don't make it rough on myself, i'm in hell. knock yourself out, turn up the heat. i have been to phoenix. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i was in phoenix last summer. last summer, literally 120 degrees out. 120 degrees out. and people are still coming up to you saying, well, it's a dry heat. [ laughter ] i saw a guy burst into
[ cheers and applause ] >> you know they were dry flames, but -- [ laughter ] >> my wife has actually tried to start to improve me since we had the baby, get more culture into me. took me to see a shakespearean play. went to see king lear, right here in los angeles. true story. the guy playing king lear was swedish. i mean this guy was swedish. he was up with this thick swedish accident. [ inaudible ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> fiord. after an hour of this the whole audience was sitting there with that fish look on their face. [ laughter ] we were on our way out, there was the guy talking to his wife saying this was the most confusing evening of my life, martha. i was behind him and said that was the best darn king lear
>> we'll be back in a moment. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. we are back. calvin -- [ cheers and applause ] >> calvin trillin is here tonight, he is a very funny gentlemen, and writes a syndicated newspaper column and has a new book out called travels with alice. would you welcome calvin trillin. calvin? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> good to see you again. >> thank you. i enjoyed that. i saw king lear in atlanta once years ago -- >> in atlanta? >> the king said off-off ye,
how serpent's tooth -- [ laughter ] >> probably the same crowd. >> it probably sounded perfectly okay. >> that's right or even swedish. >> did they think -- did you read that about the globe theater, they found the exact location or remnants of the theater. >> no, i didn't see that. >> yeah -- i just brought it up -- >> did you see that? >> yes, i did. i enjoyed it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i guess i was the only one that didn't see that. >> yeah. >> a lot of people over there didn't seem to care at all. >> a lot of people here didn't even put it in the paper. [ laughter ] >> that's right. obviously nobody cares tonight. i don't know why i brought that up. >> that's all right. you are doing fine, john. >> thank you very much. >> you get tired of traveling, you seem to travel all the time. >> i like it. i have been traveling -- i guess all my life. my father believed it was good for us to see the country. i grew up in kansas city which
call equally convenient to either coast. [ laughter ] >> we sometimes would go east, but we usually went west. >> yeah. >> my father would be pointing out the mesas and buttes, and i would be trying to get them to stop at the roadside zoos that say albino raccoon and stuff. and fighting in the backseat with my sister. full border alert. i had half and she had half. but it was kind of like the border when finland and the soviet union. i played finland. >> my sister was the soviet union. and i was further handy happened my father had said something that we now know it wasn't his fault in those days, but it was not politically correct and it was probably sexist. and he told me we do not hit girls, and you will never hit your sister again.
into that again part. >> right. >> but my sister didn't get the same sort of warning. so i was kind of like a unilaterally disarmed finland. [ laughter ] and she was a soviet union bristling with weaponry. [ laughter ] >> so i think if it hadn't been for my sister's expansionist backseat policy, i would probably know the difference between a butte and a mesa. [ laughter ] >> but to this day you don't. why it when americans go overseas, we are terrorized or feel awkward or embarrassed because we don't use the language. >> tt doesn't bother me. >> it didn't bother you? >> in french for instance, i don't use verbs in french. as a matter of policy. you can ruin your whole about thinking about whether you used the right tents or
a number of nouns -- >> we have a fly buzzing around here. >> ken -- >> excuse me. >> i know a number of nouns. >> it's buzzing all over the place, i'm sorry. >> i know french nouns like drugstore, weekend. snack bar. burger king. >> burger king. >> burger king, i don't know if you knew this, they have the largest grossing and it's motto is mason du whopper. [ laughter ] i kind you can get along with nouns perfectly easily. and one of the discoveries made in the book in the real reporting, is a type of bullfighting that i learned about. i saw a sign and they both happened to be nouns i new.
bulls swimming pool. >> swimming pool. >> right. >> what -- >> and i was curious about that. as you might imagine. >> toro- piscine. >> it's a fantastic game. it's played in these bull rings in the south of france, and it only has one rule, if you and the bull are in the swimming pool at the same time you win. [ laughter ] >> simple as that. and it's a real game. >> i see. >> i -- i played with the young men in the town, and i -- i met the inventor. which was really exciting to me, it was like saying you would like to have a beer with admiral double day and i said my god the inventor of toro piscine. [ laughter ] and it turned out this was a brilliant guy. [ laughter ] >> he not only invented that, he invented a game
>> toro football? it's football in the european sense of the world, and it is played like a segment soccer game, except it is played in a bull in the ring. >> that is really kind of a rip off -- >> yeah, a lot of strategic -- >> oh, you have seen it. [ laughter ] >> i think either of those games would be great. i went to chicago on this tour, and i said now that you guys have lights on wrigley field, toro piscine would be fantastic. [ laughter ] and if the giants are going to leave -- >> that's what they said. >> toro football in there. >> toro football. >> that's right. great moments in sports. also i -- i -- that chapter is called damp in the afternoon, because it's kind
another sporting event -- i don't know if you have done this, of playing tick tack toe with a live chicken on months street. did you ever do that? >> no, i don't think so. i'd remember. >> you lead kind of a protected life there, john. [ laughter ] >> when people come to new york from out of town, i usually take them for a little walk, from my house in the village. kind of an awkward block or two in the machine tool district. it's not very interesting, then through little italy, and then lunch in china town and then the guest of honor, playing tick tack toe with a chicken, on the street. there's glass in front of the chicken, and the kind of -- of signs that light up like a pinball machine, they say your turn or bird's turn.
>> and then the x's and the o's and if you beat the chicken, you get a large sack of fortune cookies that i think are probably worth 35 or $0.40. [ laughter ] >> and it only costs $0.50 to play. and -- but the guy i took was appalled because the chicken gets to go first. i said he is just a chicken, you are a human being. there should be some advantage to that, not enough. my friend lost miserably. >> it's no toro pisi, though. >> no, it isn't. some people think there is a computer in there. i think it is a very smart chicken. [ laughter ]
>> we'll be right back. [ music ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i just have time to thank you both. calvin good to see you again. the book is called "travels with alice," mr. grodin's book is called "it would be so nice if you weren't there." they throw this one in for free. good night. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> i'm humbled by that applause. come and knock on our door
we've been waiting for you we've been waiting for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too. come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too. you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is calling for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
( doorbell rings ) ( water running ) ( stanley yelling ) ( laughter ) ( doorbell ringing ) larry? hmm? will you answer the door? ( laughter ) you want me to answer the door? will you answer the door? well, sure, why didn't you say so in the first place? hey, larry, i'm glad to see you. i've got something to tell you, man. you want to hit a movie later? no, not tonight. you will never believe this. i got myself a date with samantha evans. uh, no, jack, you don't have a date with samantha evans. i knew you wouldn't believe it. she's coming over tonight. uh, jack... when i think of those lips and those legs... and you should see those... shoulders
hi, mr. roper. jack, why do you try to hide things from me? what... what do you mean? i mean your garbage disposal is broken, too. ( laughter ) why didn't you tell me he was here? what do you think...? anyway, samantha's looking for an honest guy. she caught her last boyfriend with another girl. all right! ( phone rings ) will you get that? oh, sure. no, the phone, the phone. ( phone rings ) hello? no, this is larry. oh, yeah, sure, he's uh... well he seems to be tied up at the moment. ( laughter ) yeah, i'll see if i can reach him. who's that? who's that? it's linda. it's what? say again? what is that? it's linda. who's on the phone? linda-- what time are you picking her up tonight? oh, god, i forgot. i forgot we had a date.
what am i going to do? let me handle it. what about... take the phone... ( laughter ) hey, linda... bad news. jack has a terrible cold. well, it came out of nowhere. yeah, i'd let you talk to him but he just doesn't have the strength. a terrible cold? i can't lie to linda like that. you're right. just give me samantha's address. i'll be happy to pinch-hit for you. ( in a stuffed-up voice ): hello, linda? yeah, did larry tell you? i'm sorry i can't make our date tonight, sweetheart. yeah, i'll call you when i'm better, baby doll. okay, i have to go now, lover. bye, ralph. ( laughter ) i, uh, i had to break a date. uh, um, i'm sick. you said it, not me. ( laughter ) no, no, i mean i have a cold. ( sneezes ) see? you've got what? it's a cold.
( laughter ) jack, you're full of germs. ( laughter ) ( sneezes wetly ) ( laughter ) did you see that? ( stanley sneezing ) ( laughter ) ( coughing ) helen, helen, i'm in bad shape. stanley, do me a favor. don't make excuses till i make demands. ( laughter ) helen, you don't understand. jack's very sick and i got my cold from him. my head hurts, my throat hurts. but, stanley you promised to take me out tonight. i thought we were going to go out and have a good time. how can i have a good time when i want to go to bed? ( laughter ) you're right, that was foolish of me. ( laughter ) get me some aspirin and a thermometer, please?
of course not-- i'm cold. i got the chills. well, okay, stanley but you remember the minute you get well, we're going out. okay, but just get me the aspirin. do you want me shivering in bed all night? well, at least you'd be moving. ( laughter ) boy, oh boy, chrissy, really? yeah, the nerve of that guy. he makes a date, then he asks me to wear the short shorts i wore to the office picnic. boy, what did you tell him? i said, "i'm not going out with any guy who's only interested in me for my clothes!" ( laughter ) good for you. well, that wasn't it. he said he'd go out with me if i didn't wear anything at all. i hope you told him off. i certainly will. he's picking me up at 7:00. ( laughter )
i'm busy with my chicken. listen, i want to talk to you girls. chrissy: i can't, jack, i've got a date. ( doorbell rings ) janet: chrissy, would you get that? i've got to find my glasses. i have to go back to the shop, jack. we're taking inventory. you're both going out? both: yeah. ( to himself ): what a shame. oh, hi, mrs. roper. ( whispering ): oh, chrissy i'm sorry to bother you. ( whispering ): no bother, come on in. ( laughter ) hi, mrs. roper. ( whispering ): oh, hi, janet. listen, i was just wondering if you had a thermometer i could borrow. ( whispering ): i think jack has one. he's in the kitchen. he's in the kitchen with his cold? no, with his chicken. ( laughter ) oh, chrissy, i think the thermometer's in the bath... why are we all whispering? ( loudly ): because jack is so sick. what? yeah, i thought sure he'd be in bed. stanley says it's walking pneumonia.
why aren't you in bed? it's easier to cook in the kitchen. come on, jack, come on. you do not have to be a hero. yeah, mrs. roper told us all about your terrible cold. my cold? yes, and chrissy and i are going to give you an alcohol rub, right away. ( nasally ): oh, my cold. oh, you poor thing. oh, janet, i'm so sick. it came upon me all of a sudden. oh, jack! oh, that settles it. i am going to break my date and i'm going to stay home with you tonight. oh, that's so sweet... you're going to what? me, too, we can't leave you alone like this. i'll go call my boss. oh, no, you've got to leave me. i feel fine. you look terrible. thank you. no, no, no, no... i mean that i'm too sick to have people looking after me. that doesn't make any sense. of course it does-- i'm contagious. see? if i give it to you, you'll pass it back to me
what? all those things. he does have a point, janet. you don't have to stay, i can take care of myself. well, are you sure? oh, trust me, trust me. i'll just lie down and take it quietly. well... oh, come on, girls, i'll be better off all alone. ah... ah... ah... ( quietly ): choo. ( laughter ) you know, jack i almost didn't go out with you. i was told you were the kind of person who chased anything in skirts. well, you know, i used to be that way. but then i found out that there was more satisfaction in a real, meaningful, one-to-one relationship. i'm really impressed. you're such a gentleman. you know, you haven't made a pass at me all evening.
not that i... i didn't want you to but this is our first date. yeah. and even though we are living in more permissive times, i... ( laughter ) oh, jack. samantha. ( laughter ) jack, will you show me something? ( gulps ) ( laughter ) anything. where's your powder room? wouldn't we be more comfortable on the couch? oh, oh, i'm... oh, excuse me i thought you were...
don't go away. i'll be right here. ( squeals in pleasure ) ( applause ) ( laughter ) hi, chrissy. chrissy! what are you doing here? well, i was worried about you. oh, no, i'm fine. no, i'm going to stay. oh, chrissy, listen, i feel much better. the doctor's here and everything. you mean a house call? did you say something, jack? will you please leave? oh, sure, i can see you're in good hands. so long, doc. ( laughter ) who was that? oh, that was... that was someone collecting for the church. dressed like that? she gets more donations that way. now, where were we? uh, my... my glass is empty.
i would do anything for another glass of wine. like i said, first things first. ( laughter ) oh, jack, listen i told my boss that you needed me so get your clothes off and get into bed. ( laughter ) jack, now, look i will have you feeling good in no time, come on. janet, janet. hi... hi. that's samantha. oh. she's a friend. ( laughter ) oh. hello, samantha. i'm janet, i'm jack's... nurse! she's my nurse. thank you very much for stopping by, nurse janet. i won't be needing my treatment tonight. keep healing the sick. bye-bye! ( applause ) she's so dedicated. so i see-- has her own key and everything. you know, jack maybe i was wrong about you.
that? uh... that was the avon lady. they hate to take no for an answer. ( laughter ) you said you had a terrible cold. excuse me. sorry, i didn't hear what you said. jack! i want the truth. okay, i was lying in bed and this thing came through my window. it was a girl... jack, jack, look i made this soup with my own hands. and with my own hands i'll give it to you. right over the head! linda, wait, wait! promise me you won't throw the soup! not if you tell the truth. okay, where do i start? uh, start with your cold. okay. ( laughs sheepishly ) i never had a cold. you mean you lied? well, not exactly... yes! i lied, i lied! now tell me about the avon lady. well... okay, she wasn't an avon lady. oh, another lie. a little one.
oh, okay, that girl was janet's sister. she wanted to borrow a bible... no, no, wait, wait! okay, all right, all right. i'll tell you, i'll tell you. her name is samantha evans. i lied to you about being sick so i could be with her tonight. that's it? that's it! very good. ( sighs in relief ) ( laughter and applause ) you said you weren't going to do that. i lied. ( laughter and applause ) ( laughter ) she brought me some chicken soup.
well, i didn't have time. i brought you back your thermometer. oh, jack, you better get out of those wet things. you're going to get sicker. mrs. roper, i am not sick. i never was sick. but stanley says you are! i only said i was sick to get out of a date but it didn't work! and you want to know something? it isn't going to work for stanley, either! ( laughter and applause ) ( sneezes loudly ) ( sneezes loudly ) oh, no.
how's my little teddy bear tonight? not good, helen, not good. stanley, suppose you weren't sick... but i am. yeah, yeah... but just suppose you weren't. where would you be taking me tonight? if i wasn't sick? well, you know that french restaurant you're always talking about? oh, but that's so expensive! oh, well. what the hell! ( laughter ) and afterwards, stanley where would we be going afterwards? i'd take you to some fancy place for a few drinks and dancing. dancing? you?! and you... both of us... together. oh, stanley! we're going to have such a wonderful time tonight!
i mean we're going to. i just talked to jack. he lied about having a cold. he's perfectly healthy. so? so, that means that you're perfectly healthy, too. so? so, you have a choice, stanley. you either put on these pants and we go out and have fun or leave them off and we stay home and have fun. ( laughter ) ( laughter and applause ) jack! that was a rotten thing to do! yeah, rotten! ( sneezes ) stop pretending you have a cold! but i'm really sick now, honest. oh, sure! i got to soak my feet. wait a minute, jack, look.
in the first place? yeah, in the second place, too. i didn't want you to think i was a creep, that's why. but you are a creep! i know, i just didn't want you to think it. ( sneezes ) don't i get a "god bless you"? god bless you. thank you. you liar. it's all larry's fault. he's the one who made up that phony story. i never thought of it! oh, come on, jack. janet, he has a point. i mean, it's larry's lie, not his. jack's just the one who told it. yeah, that's right! next time i see that larry i'm going to tell him off! yeah, like all the other times you've been mad at him where you end up saying "larry, you're the best friend i ever had." not this time, janet! this time i'm really... i've heard all this before. i'm going to bed. yeah, me, too. i'm going to soak my feet. you'd be better off soaking your head.
( doorbell rings ) ( coughing ) hi, pal! you! don't you "hi, pal" me, pal! i got something i want to say to you! whoa, hold it. i brought someone i thought you might want to see. hi, jack, may we come in? ( stammering ) i ran into the little lady down at the regal beagle. seems she was pretty upset. so we talked and... well, it seems there was some sort of misunderstanding. jack, larry told me all you went through to go out with me and i'm really flattered. oh, it was nothing. you must think i'm really something special. well, i'll just leave you two lovebirds alone, huh? oh, jack, what is it you wanted to say to me? excuse me.
i don't know what to say, i... ( sneezes ) poor you! you really do have a cold. oh, you just let samantha take care of you. ( laughter ) i'll put you to bed and tuck you in and make you feel very, very good... jack, do you need any...? oh, i... oh! hey, is there any of that chicken left? oh, i... oh! that's what i said. well... uh... don't keep him up too late. yeah, we don't want him to get too tired. chrissy!
come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous down at our rendezvous
janet, the phone's not working. oh, yeah, chrissy, i know. when are you going to get it fixed? uh, well, i... wait a minute, chrissy. why should i be the one to have it fixed? 'cause you always take care of it. right, chrissy, uh... as a matter of fact, i did call. the telephone company's going to send a man over. oh, i knew you'd take care of it. when's he coming? this afternoon. this afternoon?! i can't wait that long! i'm expecting a call from my date. oh, yeah? who you going out with? well, i don't know. he hasn't called yet. you know what, chrissy? i like it this way. it's nice and quiet for a change. oh, janet, i can't live without a telephone. oh, please. people got along for thousands of years without a telephone. what do you suppose they did? probably sat around wondering what the yellow pages were for.
you will never believe what just happened. what? well, i was jogging along... i don't believe you. neither do i. okay... if you don't want to hear about the naked girl i saw... wait. what naked girl? i don't know her name. i was running along the beach and i turned and said hi and then i tripped over another one! another naked girl? yes! everyone on that beach was nude! they weren't wearing anything? right-- that's nude. that's good, chrissy. no. they were just wearing suntan lotion-- can you imagine? everywhere i looked, all i saw were shiny hills. right down here on our beach? yes! come on, jack. you're putting us on. it's true. i spent the last half hour talking to a naked redhead. i thought they had their own beach. they were thrown off it, and moved to ours. they're fighting for their rights. they got picket signs. it's a big demonstration.
yeah! there were nude men down there, too? hmm... there must have been. i don't know. boy, chrissy, i can sure think of a few people in this neighborhood who are not going to like this. why? people have a right to sunbathe nude if they want to. of course they do. taking their beach away was wrong. they should be supported in their fight. let's go down and help them, okay? right! we can take our clothes off when we get there. wrong! take our clothes off? you can't picket with your clothes on. why not? it works for the teamsters. janet, it's a nude beach-- that's the whole point. yeah, but... naked? chrissy, you wouldn't be embarrassed? no! it's for a good cause. well, send them a donation. janet, this is an emergency. chrissy... like going to the doctor. you wouldn't be embarrassed taking your clothes off in front of the doctor, would you? well, no, but...
looking at you, as doctors. how do you do? my name is dr. tripper. oh, jack... chrissy, no, i can't do it. hey, chrissy, i'll go with you. forget it. you'd undress in front of strangers but not in front of moi? right. that doesn't make any sense. of course it does. if they see me nude, it doesn't matter because i don't know them, and they don't know me and i don't know who's seeing me and they don't know who they're seeing. but i know you and you know me and i know who you'll be seeing and you know who you'll be seeing and both of them are me. see? no, i don't see. and you're not going to, either. i'd undress in front of you! later, jack, when we need a good laugh. hey, look who's talking. i know you'd never go to a nude beach, janet. oh, yeah? and what makes you so sure?
you're not the type. oh, really, jack? and just what type am i? oh, you know-- you're solid... reliable... dependable... you make me sound like a used car. janet! i'm complimenting you! and by the way, i love your dashboard. oh, jack! i could... wait, wait, wait. listen, you, i do a lot of crazy things. oh, yeah? like what? well, like... ( laughing ): like last night. uh-huh? yeah, uh... you should have seen what i did to roy last night. oh, yeah? what'd you do? well, first, i grabbed him... mercy. yeah, and then i brought him back, and i bent him deep... oh, yeah? yeah? and then, jack... yes? i stared deeply into his eyes... yeah? yeah? and then i'll tell you. yeah? i could have done anything i wanted to. so, what'd you do? nothing. why?! well, he was foaming at the mouth just the way you are.