tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(cheers and applause) a man who enters when i say his name, stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) perhaps he didn't hear me. he is stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) all he has to do is point his face at the stage and walk forward -- stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing
>> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) welcome, everybody! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) hey, everybody! thanks for being here! in here, out there, all around the world, i'm stephen colbert, i am your east -- host tonight and, you know, there is a real excitement in the air because the presidential race has truly become a flaming toboggan ride toward dead man's curve, otherwise known as the new hampshire primary. tomorrow, the granite state weighs in and all eyes have been
the politicos when he won iowa by coming in third. (laughter) never been done before. never been done. but despite the rube-mentum, the senator may have tripped up in saturday's debate by sticking too closely to his talking points. but, thankful, chris christie was there -- (laughter) -- to helpfully curb stomp him in the neck. >> and let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing. he knows exactly what he's doing. let's dispel with this fiction that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing. he knows exactly what he's doing. >> you see, everybody, i want the people at home to think about this. that's what washington, d.c. does. the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him. >> stephen: boom. direct hit. (applause)
yourself over and over again. >> senator rubio needs to come up with some new material. he kind of reminds me of the boy in the bubble. boy in the bubble. boy in the bubble. boy in the bubble. boy in the bubble. let's get the boy in the bubble out of the bubble. >> stephen: wow, it's february 8th and apparently both these guys are still celebrating groundhog day. (laughter) now, luckily, in the debate rubio had a stinging comeback to christie. and you can guess what it was. >> here's the bottom line: this notion that barack obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. >> there it is. >> he knows exactly what he's doing. >> there it is, the memorized 25-second speech. >> stephen: rubio repeated the same phrase so many times he summoned candyman who appeared
(cheers and applause) well -- (laughter) -- that's all the exercise i can muster tonight. that's all i've got left in the tank, ladies and gentlemen! (laughter) well, here's a phrase that i've we've got a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) i am so excited that i will be sitting down with the host of "the o'reilly factor," mr. bill o'reilly, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) that's going to be fun. so happy bill's here. bill and sri a lot in common. we're both irish-american, we both wear suits, and i think that's it. (laughter) (applause) then i'll sit down with heisman trophy winner turned broadway actor, eddie george.
four-time pro-bowler. but... if he can act like he's hurt, he might even have a second career as a soccer player. (applause) and we'll have a performance by hip-hop duo macklemore & ryan lewis. (cheers and applause) they're performing their song "white privilege 2." what a coincidence -- that's also the name of my yacht. (applause) oh, that sound right there is jon batiste and "stay human". greet them, one and all! (cheers and applause) they're due to do the thing they do, but before they do, one more thing: researchers have developed an i.q. test for dogs. and if you're willing to pay for it, it's also an i.q. test for you. (laughter)
>> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes bill o'reilly! n.f.l. and now broadway star eddie george! and a musical performance by macklemore and ryan lewis! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! hey!
(cheers and applause) game ball. that's the game ball now. thanks, everybody! hey! (cheers and applause) hey, did y'all see the super bowl last night? (cheers and applause) you folks are not alone. over 100 million people tuned in. it was such a big hit for cbs, i'm looking forward to the spin-off: "super bowl: cyber." (laughter) of course, the winner of the super bowl was beyonce. (cheers and applause) but some could argue it was also peyton manning. no matter who you were rooting for, everybody was happy for him. or in the case of his brother eli, quizzically confused for him.
either eli was exhibiting caution because the game wasn't over yet or he was trying to figure out what the hell a "quesalupa" is. my spanish is rusty, but i think it is a taco made with cheese and wolf meat. this game may have crowned manning's historic career. no one else has stats like this: 200 career wins, 539 touchdowns, and over 6,000 yards of forehead gained. (laughter) fought for every inch. he fought for every inch. but as good as his play has been better in the field of marketing. "he is good at selling stuff." (laughter) for instance, as soon as the game ended he kissed pizza magnate, papa john. and his postgame comments were remarkably consistent: >> and i'm going to drink a lot
i got a couple of priorities in order. i want to go kiss my wife, kiss my kids tonight, go celebrate with my family and teammates and i'm going to drink a lot of beer tonight, jim. budweiser. i've done a lot of kissing with my kids and ashley, and i've had a few budweisers, and it's been a special night. >> stephen: you really gotta admire peyton for mentioning his loved ones. and also his family. (laughter) but why stop at one product? peyton could have gotten so many more brands in there. "i'm going to disneyworld, in a buick verano, with a quick detour through hidden valley ranch, where i'll ask my doctor about cymbalta. i feel tonight like nationwide is on my side. speaking of sides, you can't do better del monte frozen peas. now if you'll excuse me, i have to go hershey, kiss my wife and say hello to my children, "little debbie" and "verizon wireless."
i love you! (applause) of course, i had my own live post-superbowl show. you guys watch it? (applause) had a good time, right? kind of exciting to do a live show. >> right. usually, i perform the show dead inside. last night, i brought you some of the most over-the-top touchdown celebrations of the year, from hingle mccringleberry and his teammate kimble mathias. i like that mathias. i love that young kid. he's got the heart of barry sanders and the legs of bernie sanders. (laughter) well, thanks to sports journalists key and peele, we were able to uncover even more footage of these two. you all want to see them? (cheering) jim, let's go to the tape. >> welcome back to the sports
cant spartans face the portland tigers. >> tigers, third and 15. play action fake. he's got to fire one. mccringleberry, touchdown tiger. been a big day for mccringleberry and you know this man's going to celebrate. >> he needs to watch it. the ref has his limits. >> only two hip thrusts allowed in the end zone. one, two -- looks like we're safe. and three and there's the flags. >> i don't know what he's thinking, dick. why can't we love each other? >> first and ten, handoff mathias sweeping on the end, it's a reverse. mathias down again, mccringleberry. touchdown tigers, another big play for mccringleberry. he's on fire today. mathias is on the ground in the end zone now. is he injured? >> apparently not. mccringleberry is celebrating
feet. what kid doesn't love that? >> no whistle on the intraismghts good news for the tigers. what is going on with mathias' >> mccringleberry -- flag on the celebration. what would you call those, mariachi sleeves? >> seem more cay ribbian. they are festive. i took the kids to haiti on christmas break. got on the wrong boat, hijacked -- mccringleberry drives in the end zone, touchdown. a key play for him and he'll celebrate with his teammates. spikes the ball. now, oh, one hip thrust, that's two. he's got to watch it. the ref is displeased, already. what's this? the ref seems to have lost track of mccringleberry. wants to give him a talking to. mccringleberry nowhere to be found. hold on, jim. someone else is coming on to the field. who is that? is that a coach? is that a reporter?
some reason, is extremely tall right now! but mr. 's mccringleberry? >> that's the question the ref will be asking. >> oh, there he is. play. the players are not happy with that call. they appear to be arguing. that was technically mathias' first hip thrust because to have the novelty trench coat. >> the ref is not buying it. i would never guess there were two people in there. really had me fooled. second and five, snap is good. mccringleberry scampers down the sidelines. thanks to strong tiger blocking. >> touchdown tigers. flagged for success of celebration. got to be disappointing. >> jim, i can't tell. is that an easel? >> it is. pretty sure problems are a big no-no in the end zone. yet there's mathias apparently painting mccringleberry in a celebratory pose. that's inappropriate.
>> i don't know art, but i know what you're not supposed to do after you score a touchdown. >> well... the ref is taking control of the situation apparently. one assumes he's going to cover up some of the more inappropriate aspects of that portrait. let's see what he's done here. there's a flag on the play. and on his crotch. they're going to argue, but that's a fair call. >> third and one, the pitch is to mathias and he drops back to the pass. it's deep for mccringleberry who drives for the end zone. touchdown tigers! >> mccringleberry has been unstoppable all day. >> that's a hard spike but at this point you've got to say he's earned it. >> what's this? mccringleberry seems concerned about the ball. >> sending out a check on it. he looks worried. >> listening for vital signs.
>> here's mathias with the defibrillator. >> always hear it connected to tragedy but you have to admit it's a funny word. >> firm my first heart attack, this is no picnic for the ball and the old pigskin is not responding. >> mathias is telling mccringleberry to let go. mccringleberry cannot poove on. mathias is going to go ahead and slap some sense into him. >> sometimes you have to. mccringleberry is taking it hard. he and the ball were close. the ref is keeping an eye on the situation, holding back, respectful of the mourning process. >> and mathias and mccringleberry appear to be moving the ball from the field of play. question is, where are they taking it? >> i'm not sure, jim, but... oh, it's to a model ship and a baby pool. they are giving this ball a viking funeral! what a fitting memorial for an old friend! and. >> there's the viking salute
has not flagged. and they could not help themselves! a hip-hop and a flag. >> that's sad for a memorial service to be marred in this way. >> only one hip pump but the ref is not backing down. let's listen. >> that's two pumps. viking funeral counts for two pumps. new rule this year. makes sense. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back with bill o'reilly! (cheers and applause) buying smartphones forly is expensive. not at t-mobile for a limited time, check out our half off smartphone event. get one of our most popular smartphones, and get the second one at half price.
mckringleberry. it's already dry! no wait time. this is great. it's very soft. can i keep it? (laughs) all the care of dove... ...now in a dry antiperspirant spray. hello my love! the flame is out... ugh...today the flame is out, tomorrow my attitude... your mother... antonio. antonio. que? the stove. it's not working. campbell's microwaveable soups.
>> stephen: you never change? not too much. i'm pretty consistent in my presentation. >> stephen: how's everything over at fox news? i have not watched it much in the last year. >> you're not allowed. >> stephen: i watch martha mccallum because she's a friend of mine. had megyn kelly on last night. you're still number one. >> still number one. >> stephen: how does it feel to be king of the hill for 20 years. >> i started at age 26, am 41 now. >> stephen: really? we work hard. there isn't. >> stephen: everybody works hard. >> no. >> stephen: the guys at cnn and msnbc aren't seeing their kids of late. crack over there. >> stephen: really? you guys didn't know that? >> stephen: both of them? you didn't know that?
there are a lot of anchor people who don't write their own stuff. they're in makeup for five hours, like you. >> stephen: mine? i wish. it takes five hours just to get the latex appliances out. >> is that right? >> stephen: absolutely. you write all your stuff? >> i write all my stuff. >> stephen: no writers on your staff? >> none. >> stephen: me either. at the end of the day, i just improvise. >> it's magic how you can do it all. >> stephen: let me ask you about the debate the other night. you understand politics. i only pretended to understand politics for many years. that thing hat happened with rubio saturday night, there are people who say that's it for his campaign, that he showed himself to be a neo-phyte, and if someone gets that rattled, then they can't handle
>> in his first year walter mondale got clocked. then they brought in my boss, a political consultant, and he turned it around for reagan. debate performance. you don't know. this race tomorrow in new hampshire, i think trump will win, he's so far ahead, i think he'll win. i think sanders will win on the (cheering) there is only two democrats, so hillary has to come in second. but on the republican side, after trump, you just don't know. it's just a swirl. there is only 17 people in new hampshire, i don't know whether you know that or not -- (laughter) -- and it's the same people. they're getting do donuts and coffee and whoever has the best swag can win. >> stephen: why do you think trump is doing so well? what's his secret to appealing to the audience? >> trump hit history at the right time because people are angry. trump and sanders are really the
facial expressions. (audience reacts) i've never seen them in the same room at the same time. >> that's right. >> stephen: trump and sanders are the same guy because they're tapping into the anger of the voter who feels they're getting hosed. on the right they don't like the fact there is an open border, that i.s.i.s. is beheading america, nothing happens to i.s.i.s., arrange, anger. the left, they feel the economy is run by the bigs, and i'm going to solve that -- >> stephen: are you having a stroke? i'm not sure what's happening (applause) i wanted to make sure we have the e.m.t.s standing by. >> the billionaires are controlling it, the 1% controlling 90% of the economy for everyone else. >> stephen: you're still having the same stroke. (laughter) haven't people always appealed with anger? >> no.
show. >> i'm different. >> stephen: jeb bush. does he look angry? >> stephen: no, he looks bewildered. >> why? >> stephen: do you think jeb doesn't want to run? he looks like h he thought he was going to a wedding and wanders into a bar mitzvah and goes, i don't know what language... do i put the little thing on my head? is it a smack or a hat? i don't know what to do, is it a taco? colbert's lost control. let's go back. >> this time in history. people want an avenger. not a politician. >> stephen: do you think that's good because an avenger cannot necessarily govern or lead, he stirs a crowd but how do you change things? >> that's actually a good question from colbert. (applause) it's good and it's bad. the good part about it is it gets people engaged in the political process so that trump himself has performed a miracle
attention to what's happening. that's good. what's bad is both trump and sanders say stuff that's impossible that could never happen and their followers i guess don't likely care, so trump says for example, well, i'm going to deport 12 million illegal aliens. i said to him on my show, you can't because of due process. once you're in the united states, whether legal or illegal, you have all the rights under the constitution, that would mean you have 12 million separate hearings in front of judges which would take us up to about the the year 2080. >> stephen: not if you use judge judy. she could whip through those people. (applause) make some points, too. judge judy. >> on the other side, you have sanders going everybody is going to get a free public education. >> stephen: they do it all over the world. >> doesn't matter, 16 people in
people here, $19 trillion in debt. i know you don't care but there is a big debt and bernie would double it and you can't do that. so it's never going to happen. so that's the good and the bad. >> stephen: well, that's a good place to pause and take a commercial break. we'll be right back with the good and the bad and the bill o'reilly! (cheers and applause) sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah?
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're back with the man himself, bill o'reilly! bill, the latest book, it's beebr out for a little while but caused a bit of a stir "killing reagan." >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: why are you so fascinated with people dying and how they died and telling their story? >> it's a way to get people in history as far as telling the
we started with killing lincoln and the assassination of abraham lincoln give gay us an opportunity to the tell the reader about the civil war, how it came down, how brutal it was, and lincoln's role and he was assassinated because of his role. reagan came so close to death and people don't understand how close he came, but it did affect him. some believe, and i can't prove this, nobody could, that his wounds suffered at the hand of john hinckley who is still alive and they may let him out which would be a horrible thing if that ever happened led to his death subsequently because of the terrible deterioration that a bullet that close to your heart causes a 70-year-old man. he just -- he had his good and bad days, as the staff said. >> stephen: do you think reagan was too old to be elected at 69? >> no. reagan was a really good president and we show how he overcame this assassination which is the heart of the book.
misremembered as someone who never raised taxes, never compromised. >> that's true. ronald reagan was an excellent politician. he did what he had to do. ultimately, he did two things that benefited the country. he turned the economy around. in the carter years, it was desperate. you remember you had to wait in line to get gasoline in america, it was horrible. >> stephen: run ran up huge deficits. >> he did but it was in the pursuit of bringing down the soviet union which was accomplished. so you bring down your major enemy and you have to do it by spend money. >> stephen: huge deficits that can be justified by military expenditure but you're saying it can't be justified by humanities, educating people, social receivables? what's the difference of those things? they're both vital aspects of our culture. what is the difference between those two and one justified and not the other? >> all right, this is a classic
position. it's a question, bill. >> no, it isn't. >> stephen: we have to be able to ask each other questions. >> i see. >> stephen: we don't have to pick sides. why do we have to be liberal and conservative? why can't we just love each other? >> you're having a stroke again. in self-defense -- >> stephen: am i attacking you? >> you have to spend money to defend yourself from an enemy who is bent on either conquering or killing you. that's why we're in this war on terror now. on the arts and educational, we have to get away from this fanlt si that the government can solve all the problems by kick money in, and we can't be promising everybody everything as these politicians do constantly. reagan didn't do that. >> stephen: no, he did not promise. >> he raised taxes when he had to, but reagan was pretty straight on what was going on and straight talk is what we need which is pry sanders and trump are doing so well.
you know where they stand, and i like that. >> stephen: well, bill. i know where you stand. >> no, you don't. >> stephen: really? you have no blanking clue where i stand. >> stephen: everything you said could be a lie? >> it's all true. >> stephen: i trusted you, bill o'reilly. >> i'm a problem solve around each problem can be solved, i think, with good common sense. >> stephen: you're not a problem solver. you're a cable newspaper superhero. bill, thank you for being here. >> i'll take that as compliment. >> stephen: you're a great mod toll do an impression of for ten years. thank you so much. thank you for being so inspiring. "the o'reilly factor" on fox news week nights at # 8:00. that's bill o'reilly, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) roughtis new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi.
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>> stephen: congratulations on your broadway debut. >> thank you. >> stephen: you are in "chicago"! >> yes. >> stephen: there you are. (cheers and applause) you had two shows saturday, two sunday. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you have a chance to watch super bowl? >> i did. >> stephen: were you watching on iphone? >> actually, it was a laptop backstage i was looking at. as i was going out to deliver my lines, i would look at the screen and say, okay, what's going to happen? when cam newton got sacked and the ball was in tend zone, i said, oh, to! i had to go outside and say. i don't care about expensive things (laughter) >> stephen: how many performances do you do a week? >> eight shows. >> stephen: eight shows a week. >>week. how does that compare to one football game a week?
broadway the old school three-a-day practices i played in football. we go three times a day. broadway is very much the same way with the shows, we pedal the shows and it's tiring. it's harder on my voice than anything else. >> stephen: do your people play injured? >> well, i tell you what, the dancers -- and you can get injured on stage because they're playing and dancing with torn hamstrings and toes and broken toenails. >> stephen: i have been there. i feel ya. >> yeah. >> stephen: so how does somebody who is n.f.l. icon, a heisman trophy winner, how does he get to broadway? try to get to the espies and take a wrong turn? (laughter) >> after i was playing football, i was depressed and wanted to find something i enjoyed. i found my voice to the arts. long story short, i started as an acting coach.
years before i ever hit the stage. >> stephen: did you try anything before that? >> well, i did auditions. i was terrible. it went really, really bad. i said, i need to get help if i want to do this. >> stephen: from straight to football to acting? >> no, actually getting lessons first. i was getting lessons for two years before i did anything on stage. and the first play i ever did was an ensemble, was god's trombones, and my lines were god himself sat down with the moon on the right and the stars on the left -- that's what i was supposed to say. the bright lights hit me, i felt the heat of the lights, a lot going on, band playing, african drums are going, all this stuff. so i turned aroundenned, go down center stage the heat of the flights, i see my family and friends and i said god himself stepped down with the sun in his
wind is blowing -- the -- the animals are in the pasture, the grass is green. then i said, god said, that's good. and walked off the stage. (applause) but that's the magic of theater. that's why i love it. i knew then, i said, this is what i had to do because i had to come back and conquer it. >> stephen: there is a camaraderie among the cast. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it similar to the camaraderie of a team? >> it is, yes, very much so because when i first came in to chicago, the dancers, the other actors looking at me, like, this football player coming into our world as a thespian, they have been doing this forever. so i had to really win them over, i have my chops, i have been working at this for a long time. >> stephen: when you're on stage, do you snap into football
want to look for the snap and charge through for a touchdown? >> i want to just pat them on the bottom and say, good job! (laughter) >> i had the moments where we do a good scene, a little handshake. we're having a good time >> stephen: obviously, the goal of show business is the yes, ma'am, grammar, oscar, tony but you already have a heisman. you get a hegot! (laughter) what's next? >> i was thinking about late-night shows, i don't know... >> stephen: i'm afraid that's all we have time for, everybody! (laughter) >> stephen: eddie george stars in "chicago" on broadway through february 28th.
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(cheers and applause) well, ooh well, ooh well, ooh well, ooh pulled into the parking lot, parked it, zipped up my parka joined procession of marchers in my head like, is this awkward? thinking if they cant, how can i breathe? thinking if they chant what do i sing? wanna take a stance, cause we are not free then i thought about it, we are not we am i on the outside looking in, or am i on the inside looking out is it my place to give my two cents or should i stand on the side and shut my mouth no justice no peace oh yea, i'm saying that they chanting out black lives matter but i don't say it back is it ok, for me to say i don't know so i watch and stand in front of a line of police that look the same as me, only separated by a badge,
a shield a gun with gloves on hands that gives in alibi just in case somebody dies behind a bullet that fly's outta of their 9, and takes another child's life on sight like.. there's murder in the streets no justice, no peace no racist believes the rest to be free there's murder in the streets no justice, no peace no racist believes the rest to be free there's murder in the streets no justice, no peace no racist believes the rest to be free there's murder in the streets no justice, no peace no racist believes the rest to be free damn, there's a lot of opinions a lot of confusion, a lot of resentment some of us scared, some of us defensive and most of us aren't even paying attention it seems like we're more concerned
than we actually are with racism someone once said silence is an action god knows that i've been passive what if i actually read an article actually had a dialogue actually looked at myself actually got involved if i'm aware of my privilege and do nothing at all i don't know hip hop has always been political, yes it's the reason why this music connects so what the hell has happened to my voice if i stay silent when black people are dying and i'm trying to be politically correct i can book a whole tour, i'll sell out the tickets rap entrepreneur, who built his own business if i'm only in this for my own self interest not the culture that gave me a voice to begin with then this isn't authentic it is just a gimmick the diy underdog, so independent but one thing the american dream fails to mention is that i was many steps ahead to begin with my skin matches the hero, the likeness, the image america feels safe with my music in their systems it suited me perfect, the role i fulfilled it
villain white supremacy isn't just a white dude in idaho white supremacy protects the privilege that i hold white supremacy is in the soil, the foundation the cement and the flag that flies outside of my home white supremacy is our country's lineage designed for us to be indifferent my success is the product of the same system that let off darren wilson, guilty we wanna dress like, walk like, talk like, dance like, yet we just stand by if we take the best parts of black culture but will we show up for black lives we wanna dress like, walk like, talk like, dance like, yet we just stand by if we wanna take the best parts of black culture
lives the sun they say in time, give it time. things will change. but i cannot control this riot in my skin. waiting burns like pepper spray. america, this is your indictment. do not make my skin a conviction when i say black lives matter! i'm not trying to take anything from you. i am resurrecting our dead. i am reminding myself that my black life matters, too! >> because you made it about race. because we did not invent the bullet. because black girls go missing without a whisper of where. because jordan davis boomed, and image whistled. because hughey p. spoke, martin preached and a black boy can always be too loud to live because you don't know who netto is. because this nation fears our minds, rager, dreams, because they sold our bodies and appropriated soul, because tamir was tall and his color, and that
because enough... because enough... because enough... your silence is a luxury hip hop is not a luxury your silence is a luxury hip hop is not a luxury your silence is a luxury hip hop is not a luxury your silence is a luxury hip hop is not a luxury your silence is a luxury hip hop is not a luxury what i got for me, it is for me what we made, we made to set us free
me what we made, we made to set us free what i got for me, it is for me what we made, we made to set us free (cheers and applause) >> stephen: macklemore and ryan lewis, everybody! we'll be right back. i think we should've taken a left at the river. tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go.
do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? if you have allergy congestion ...to get relief, anything is fair game. introducing rhinocort allergy spray from the makers of zyrtec . powerful relief from nasal allergy symptoms,