tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 12, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> good night. >> jon: stephen colbert! ( band playing "late show" theme ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, hey. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) inspirational. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: thanks, everybody. awfully nice, welcome to "the
thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. happy martin luther king day, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) happy martin luther king day. happy martin luther king day. did you get me anything? get me anything, jon? >> jon: what's that? anything for martin luther king day? i checked under my martin luther king day tree this morning and there was nothing there. >> jon: i tweeted. >> stephen: you tweeted? did you tweet for martin luther king day? >> jon: yeah, i did. >> stephen: what did you say? >> jon: i was like, thank you dr. king. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's good. keep it simple. keep it simple. >> jon: right, straight to the point. >> stephen: yeah, just like king himself. >> jon: king. >> stephen: you know, speaking of martin luther king... super bowl 50-- ( laughter ) i had no transition, i had no
this conversation to that, what is written in there. as we get closer to super bowl 50, every sports fan out there is asking the same question: what's going on with wisconsin high school basketball? a lot. ( laughter ) because the wisconsin inter-scholastic athletic association has now banned high-school students in the stands from chanting things like "air ball!" or anything meant to taunt the other team. i think this is crazy. watching basketball without chanting is like watching baseball without napping. ( laughter ) jon, you have played basketball. you were on the national right? >> jon: yes. >> stephen: you got a ring? you got a ring? did they chant when were you doing basketball? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: what were some of the-- did you get "air ball"? >> jon: yeah, air ball was one. >> stephen: uh-huh-- uh-huh. >> "brick..." line, they would chant "miss it, miss it, miss it." >> stephen: did it really affect you? >> jon: if you practice, then
net. >> stephen: so-- so, no. are you in favor of ending the chanting or keeping the chanting? >> jon: i think you got to keep the chants. it's just part of the game. >> stephen: all right. i agree. that is a national high school champion. ( applause ) and let's face it, high school is a savage cult and kids will chant. ( laughter ) so i want to give high schoolers some phrases that sound good as chants but are not insulting. so instead of "air ball!" try this: >> earl gray. >> stephen: perfect. now are you just celebrating a delicious breakfast tea, you can't get in trouble for that. but wisconsin also banned this chant. "fun-da-men-tals." so kids, just replace that with this similar sounding one: >> fondue cheese melts. >> stephen: nothing says
cheese. ( laughter ) but the w.i.a.a. didn't stop they also followed up with this tweet: "we would like to clarify that we do not think chanting "u.s.a." is un-sportsman like when it is intended to be the united states of america. however it has come to our attention that this abbreviation has also been used to disguise the phrase "you suck ass." ( laughter ) which would be deemed un- sportsman like." ( cheers and applause ) i don't know about you, i don't know about you, but hearing the teenagers are using that phrase actually makes me proud. ( laughter ) i believe that is why our founders named it the usa in the first place, to tell king george, "you suck ass!" ( cheers and applause ) but you know-- you know, you know what doesn't suck ass? tonight's show. ( cheers and applause ) that is a transition. >> stephen: that is how you do
>> jon: right. joined by emmy-winner patricia heaton. she stars-- she stars in the hit sitcom "the middle," which is a great show even if you never watched "the beginning." and then i will talk with legendary music producer quincy jones, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) huge. of course, quincy jones produced michael jackson's "thriller" and can i not wait to hear what he has to say. and also what he has to "mama say mama-sa-mama-coo-sa." and then i will talk to "black lives matter" activist deray mckesson about the legacy of martin luther king. about the legacy of martin luther king. be surprised that it goes beyond mattress sales. we'll also have a musical performance from the singer "grace" who will be singing a
and i hope she asked permission first or this could get awkward. ( band playing ) oh, that fine sound is from national basketball champion jon batiste and stay human. say hello, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to kick things off, but before they do, one more thing, walmart has plans to close 269 stores, and this time, they're walmart stores. >> tonight stephen welcomes patricia heaton. quincy jones. "black lives matter" activist
and a musical perform by grace. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello, everybody. hey, hey, jon! hey cowboy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. man, i don't know about you, but i could-- i tell you, folks, i don't know about y'all but i could watch those opening credits over and over again. everybody have a good weekend? >> yeah! >> stephen: i had a great one, because for a lot of it i was just ass-deep in robitussin. and i managed to forget that
debate on sunday night. and this time, it was the democrats. hillary clinton, bernie sanders and, i want to say... morton o'muttley? ( laughter ) millton o'mangle. munchme muffler-- no, i was so close this weekend to remaining blissfully unaware of this debate. but they got me at the last second, when i was flipping channels between "downton abbey" and "billions," because like bernie sanders i love watching rich people suffer. and i'm not the only one who wasn't aware of it. because this whole election, democrats have been hiding. but this was the worst: >> this time we have a sunday night on a holiday weekend. there are nfl football playoffs and as somebody mentioned to me on twitter, "downtown abbey" on tonight. >> it's going against "downtown abbey," a new episode. >> why sunday night? i mean, sunday night is "downton abbey" night, sunday night is "madame detective" night.
america would rather have watched "madame detective," a tv show that, for the record, does not exist. ( laughter ) still, it sounds pretty good. i would watch "madame detective." i believe they're going to show the next democratic debate after the closing credits of "the fantastic four." so, since you couldn't see it through the romulan cloaking device they threw over the debate, let me sum it up for. bernie accused hillary of popping champagne with her wall street buddies in the hot tub of the tears of poor people. hillary said bernie's record on guns means he has innocent blood on his hands that no amount of that hippie dr. bronner's soap can wash off. but the biggest revelation about these candidates did not come out of the debate. in an interview with time magazine, bernie sanders dropped a bombshell about his past that will shake up this entire race. >> as president, you have to preside over estate dinners, you have to host the white house
>> let me go on record, you ready for this? you got a scoop, ready for a scoop? here it is. i do not own a tuxedo. never have i worn a tuxedo. >> stephen: that's right, never has bernie sanders worn a tuxedo. ever. possibly, because they don't make tuxedos in rumpled tweed. ( laughter ) even-- even at bernie's own wedding, he wore a blue suit with a red tie. he looked like he is running for president of his own marriage. ( laughter ) i think i know what truly is going on here. when senator sanders said he has never worn a tuxedo, what he secretly wants to share with the american people, is that he never got to go to prom. i mean he would have worn a tuxedo if he had been to prom. this explains everything. who is more obsessed with inequality than an unpopular high-school student? ( as bernie sanders ) "90% of the dates in the school will go to the top 1% of the
making out under the bleachers with the cheerleader should be a rite, not a privilege. especially if you just got your braces off. we need to regululate our locker manufacturers so that when non- athletic students get shoved inside the locker, they can be opened from the inside. it is a national shame. there needs to be equal redistribution. there must be redistricting of cafeteria seats so that everyone has someone to sit with at lunch as well as equal time for conversation topics such as the visionary science fiction of arthur c clarke." ( laughter ) so america, i think there is only one thing for us to do here. to get bernie into a tux and to give him the closure he needs from high school, we have to ask bernie sanders to the prom. and to that end i created this image available on our website. for you to photoshop yourself
senator sanders. the theme of the prom, of course, "enchantment under our unfair financial system." ( laughter ) so download the image at colbert late show.com and upload your version to twitter with the hashtag berniepromposal. and together as a nation we can officially ask bernie sanders to prom. if the night goes well, you won't just be feeling the bern, the bern might be feeling you. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with
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he's your... ...all around-tough-cleaner, mr. clean. this turkey is natural? yeah. it's too good to be true. don't say that. it's called the 60 second six pack. it's called the abinator. it's called the pulsator. (buzzing sound) (groans) finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is the emmy award-winning actor who plays frankie heck on "the middle." >> what are you doing? >> going back to the pizza. >> what? >> it was expensive. >> i'm not eating highway pizza. >> it might not be on the highway. it may still be in the parking lot. >> fingers crossed because parking lot pizza is so much better.
>> this is insane. we are not having that conversation. >> what if it is not in the box but still face up. >> we're not doing this. >> frankie, you wouldn't throw $24 out the window and not go back for it. >> this is the family we are now? we eat food off the road. we do this, we are losing the one thing that separates us from the possum, is this how low we've sunk? >> i feel like we've sunk lower. >> nothing comes to mind, but i know we have. >> stephen: please welcome patricia heaton. ( applause ) >> hi. >> stephen: now that scene has the ring of truth to it. >> yes. >> stephen: you are a mom of four boys. >> yes. >> stephen: have you ever sunk so low as to go back for road pizza? >> i have not sunk that low, no.
poolside at the four seasons. >> stephen: oh, wow, that is very glamorous. >> yeah. >> stephen: you are a tv star. >> i know. well, they didn't have-- you know, the four seasons, they didn't have any cloth tissue or anything. everything was linen, in the pool side bathroom. >> stephen: it's not your problem, it's the four seasons problem. believe me if i had to clean up poop poolside, i'm asking for silk. i'm trying to class the moment up as much as can i. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: well, lovely to meet you. >> thank you. >> stephen: i, one of the things i like about you is that you're a catholic in hollywood. i'm not in hollywood but i'm a catholic. >> you are. >> stephen: i mean, i... >> you are more-- who is more catholic than-- >> stephen: are you challenge me to a catholic throwdown? are you challenging me? look at your bona fides out there. this is a picture, hold on.
where are you in this? where are you? >> i'm right there. >> stephen: okay. >> that's me, right there. >> on my mom's lap. >> stephen: does she even know your name? you, the one with the hair. >> right. >> stephen: and the teeth and the fingers. >> because my little brother is there, that is my cousin, my sister, this sister sharon is now a dominican nun. in full habit. >> stephen: damn, hold on. i can't compete with that. >> well, you come from a very big family. >> stephen: i come from 11 kids in my family. >> stephen: okay, but that is one generation back. you don't. >> right. you guys were modern with the 11 kids. >> stephen: 11, exactly. >> and they're like biblical names. of course. >> stephen: you have to have a saint name in there. there is no st. patricia. >> well, st. patrick. >> stephen: exactly. you had to switch it over. patrick, patrick had to go into
>> it is good. >> stephen: he got rid of the snake. >> that's right. no, but we-- you know, ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's all part of the story. part of the story. >> that's really good. >> stephen: so you want to out catholic me, girl? >> okay, well, let's see, i have a dominican nun sister. >> stephen: but do you want to quiz me? >> yeah, let's see. how many places did mary appear, name them. >> stephen: what do you mean how many places did mary appear? a lot of places. >> nine. >> stephen: nine? >> since her death. >> stephen: since her death. >> name three, come on. >> stephen: i hate to tell you, kiddo, but mary was assumed bodily into heaven and did not die a mortal death, boom. called the feast of the assumption. >> in the after she died, after she assumptioned. >> stephen: now queen of heaven. >> but then she came back and appeared to-- .
lordes, at fatima, at metrogoria. >> yes. >> stephen: bob's big boy. ( laughter ) to juan diego, guadeloupe. >> and a couple are french but then there is one will you never guess cuz i didn't know this either. >> jon: i grilled-- . >> stephen: a grilled cheese sandwich in georgia, at the bob's big boy. >> nock. >> i did not know that. >> stephen: i knew that. >> she appeared to a bunch of people in france, kind of all around the same time. bunch of french women with nothing to do. >> stephen: right. >> started saying they were-- . >> stephen: and some villages that needed some income. i will show you, five france seur. very beautiful, go to imagine she is standing there but it was exactly like that. >> exactly, yes. yes. >> stephen: huh? >> how as a catholic, how do you
>> stephen: you bury st. joseph, a statute of st. joseph upside down in your lawn. you do. and i will tell you a story, true story, my mom, the most catholic person i ever knew, she wanted to sell her house, this was during the recession in the 90s. she couldn't sell her house, she couldn't move the damn thing, some of she heard about this thing from her marion friends like you know, put joe upside down. and she goes i wouldn't do that to st. joseph. so she got a statute put it in the garden and the house didn't sell. so the statue, she eventually went back out, dug a hole and put it upside down and the household. and she says i feel terrible. i said mom, clearly joe only understands the rough stuff. true story, true story. wow. so what is the thing called with the thing with the lines you host the host in that has a class thing and you carry it around. >> demonstrine. >> stephen: damn, you're really
>> fill in the blank. who so ever wear this blank shall never endure the fires of hell. >> stephen: scapular. wow. don't you come into my house and try to stop me with a scapular. we have not said jack about your tv show. do you enjoy it. >> i enjoy it. i have a great group of people. >> stephen: i heard rich dom works on that show. >> he is wonderful. >> stephen: he is the loveliest fellow. >> did he like working on the show? >> stephen: yes, i'm going to say, he says you are wonderful. well, "the middle" is on wednesdays at 8:00 on abc.
we'll be right back. i think we should've taken a left at the river. tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest next started his career in the b-bop era, took center stage in the 1960s and has remained at the center of pop culture and civil rights ever since. please welcome quincy jones. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now mr. jones, lovely to see you again. >> what's up? ( laughter ) >> stephen: not much, what's up with you? >> what's not down. >> stephen: now because i met you once before, i feel entitled to call you "q."
>> absolutely. >> stephen: how did you get started in music? >> well, i was raised in chicago, i was born in chicago. ( applause ) >> second city. but in the '30s, boy, it was no joke. no joke at all. my mother was taken away in a straight jacket when i was seven, so we were like street rats in chicago. and my father was a carpenter, building homes for the jones boys, probably the most notorious-- in the history of america. i'm doing a movie on it every day i saw dead bodies, tommy guns, piles of money, liquor, you know, it was unbelievable in the '30s. >> stephen: and how does that get to the music again? fascinating story but how does that get to the movie. >> gradually. >> stephen: okay. anything better than this? >> right, because what happened
billion back then. >> stephen: what, this gang did. >> it was a black gang, most notorious gangsters in the history of america. i'm doing a movie on it. i am! >> stephen: i believe you. i would never challenge you on that. never challenge you on that. >> jones boys. they are unbelievable. and i remember i cut his daughter's hair when i was seven years old, she was five, she asked me to give her a haircut, i cut all her hair off. he said "you know who her father is?" they looked like sister, unbelievable. >> stephen: back to the music again. because i have heard a lot of color, a lot of local color. >> it was gradual. and so-- . >> stephen: like what was your first instrument. >> so they made-- all that money and capone, al capone ran them out of chicago and sent them through mexico. >> stephen: really? are there like the descendant of that gang still there? >> yeah, i talked to the granddaughters last week. >> stephen: wow. >> they're beautiful, man,
>> stephen: uh-huh. >> but he ran them to mexico and my father's best friend was one of the most notorious, took five sawed off shot guns to kill them. they were tough. >> stephen: and. >> you think it is bad now? >> stephen: yeah, okay. so was it a piano? or-- . >> these guys were getting to-- >> stephen: a trumpet. >> what happened was we went out there and we wanted to be baby gangsters. >> stephen: so you wanted to like be made men of your own. >> gangsters. we went in an armory and we heard there was some lemon meringue pie, we knew everything. >> stephen: that sounds like gangster work, my friend. >> that's right, 11 years old. >> stephen: going for the lemon pie, were you. >> 11:35, right on the dot, ate up all the pie and ice cream, had pie fights. and then we went around individually and broke in all the offices, right. >> stephen: yeah. >> we were gangsters, man.
"musicians" yet. >> i haven't gotten there yet. >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> after we ate up all the pie and had fights with it and everything, we went individually to different offices and broke into offices. i went into the supervisor's office and there was a piano in the corner. >> stephen: piano! >> and i almost-- well, it was amazing. i went over, i closed the door and something said "idiot, go back in that room and check that piano out." and i didn't know human beings played instruments, i really didn't. so i went over to that piano slowly and i touched it. and every cell in my body said this is what you are going to do the rest of your life. >> stephen: wow. >> so the next day i started to play sousa phone, tuba, baritone, french horn, trombone, in the marching band so you can be next the majorettes. >> stephen: so you made all
away, i want to get this out here. this is actually a way for all of us to hear music a new way. you have this thing, called the a.k.g.n.-90. this is the q, this is the quincy jones headphone. and... >> my daughter designed these. >> stephen: okay. now these headphones go for $1,500 apiece. now-- i understand that they are personalized. i only can hear out of one ear, can i get these for $750? >> we have another line coming >> stephen: another line coming out. >> we will accommodate. >> stephen: all right. are these available now? >> very shortly. i this think they are available now, yeah. >> stephen: i've got one here in my hands, one assumes if can i get them, anybody can. these yourself? >> yes, it makes my soul melt. >> stephen: really. >> no, it's nice. we put a lot of work into this, you know.
after all this time, you know, you really are fussy about how you listen stuff. but you have e.d.m. and disco and hip-hop in one strata, jazz and classical another one. all you have to do is just decide, do like that. >> stephen: to change the settings. >> and the thing is not what your ear likes. >> stephen: it has an eq in it? >> it is-- nothing like it on the street. we just won first place in c.e.s., you know. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you know what, there's also nothing like quincy jones on the street. ladies and gentlemen, the great quincy jones.
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>> good to be here. >> stephen: as i said before, you are one of the leaders of the "black lives matter" movement. though you have moved on to focus on something called "campaign zero" right now. >> yes, a conference platform to end police violence. the movement is bigger than any one organization. there are so many people pushing to end police violence and this is one of the central platforms. >> stephen: you helped organize the protest in ferguson and baltimore. you were named for tune magazine's 2015 greatest world leaders list and one of ten people beyonce follows on twitter. that's a lot of pressure. that's a lot of pressure. >> beyonce is great and more woke than people give her credit for. >> stephen: more what? >> woke. >> stephen: what does woke mean? honest to god, evidently i'm not woke. >> you wore the bracelet one day, you were woke that day. >> stephen: somebody in my audience asked me if i would wear a "black lives matter" bracelet. so i put it on. and you would have thunk i slapped a baby. people got very mad about it. why do you think people get so
lives matter?" >> because it's an idea as much as a movement. >> yeah, i think that people are uncomfortable talking about the racist history of this country and what we need to do to undo the impact of racism. and people are just like to act like we don't have a legacy of so i think people get really uncomfortable with it. but we know that we can't change it unless we address it, right? >> stephen: well, some people, both republicans and democrats-- ( applause ) some republican candidates and martin o'malley at first also said all lives matter, in response. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is your >> you know, it's such a distraction. we know if all lives matter were true we wouldn't have to be out in the street. the police have killed 26 people just in 2016. so we have so much work to do. and that is just the way to avoid talking about the issue of police brutality by getting people to talk about this notion of all lives matter. it's just not true. >> stephen: when you say police reaction would be this isn't all
were you talking about bad apples, or are you saying that there is a systemic history of violence against the african- american community or poor communities in general, that doesn't obviate the fact that it >> it's not just bad apples, it is like a bad batch, right. what we have seen is that across the country these issues around police violence in communities of color are popping up. >> stephen: sometimes it's african-american officers involved with these. does that change your feeling at all? >> no, because there is the blue coat of silence. when they become police officer there is something about the culture itself that is dangerous in communities across the country. we see it tamir rice, mike brown, across the country it is so similar, it is not these isolated events, it is a systemic problem. >> stephen: will you admit that being a police man is a dangerous occupation, that if
by police, it is in any way obviated by the fact they put their lives on the line for the rest of us. >> many dangerous jobs in the country. police have the power to kill people. that means they have a different responsibility and account they kill people and they aren't accountable for that. we haven't seen many indictments or convictions across the country and that is not okay. >> stephen: this is a day that we celebrate martin luther king, the greatest hero of the civil rights movement, my lifetime. how do you think the civil rights movement as it exists today is different than it was in his time? because it's often looked at as a golden age and he was taken from its world still as a young man and is now sort of a person in amber, like it's unchangeable figure. and the tactics of the 1960s, what king did is unquestionable for that reason. does the civil rights movement have to change now? >> i think today's interesting because people misremember king today. they remember the safe king, not
>> stephen: what is the radical revolutionary king? >> he talked about redistribution of wealth and economic justice. he was much more aggressive than the dream that people remember. when you think about, you know, what is different about the civil rights movement now is really about technology, right. the issues that are the same. and we didn't invent resistance. we didn't discover injustice. the technology has allowed us to amplify these messages in ways we couldn't before and accelerated pace of organizing in ways that are really powerful. >> stephen: what is "campaign zero"? >> so "campaign zero" is a point platform to end police violence. we cover things like police union contracts, use of force, body cameras. and it is we used with hillary, bernie, loretta lynch. >> stephen: were you at the debate. >> i was in charleston. >> stephen: how did you feel it went? do you think that the candidates up there addressed any of the issues that you were hoping for? >> yeah, i think there was probably the best question about race that we have had at the debate so far, we have an acknowledgment of the issues at systemic issues.
they plan to do. we heard hillary acknowledge white privilege which she has never done before. bernie continued to talk about systemic injustice. and o'malley, you know, still got some work to do. >> stephen: now i might be, you can tell me, i might be the whitest person you've ever met. henry louis gates, the head of african-american studies at harvard, after he took my dna. he had my dna sequenced and he said "you are white, baby, you are the whitest man i've ever met." so i might have the most privilege of any white person you have ever met. how do i identify that in my own life? because if i have a white privilege i want to be able to identify it. give me some hints as to my white privilege. >> you have a show, you have a lot of money. >> stephen: that's true. >> a lot of access. >> stephen: yeah. >> that is true. i have a show, i have a lot of money. >> you do. >> stephen: the fact that i'm sitting here and are you sitting there is part of that white privilege. >> it's about role and about access. and what you can do is extend
dismantle it, right. you can create opportunity for people, you can amplify issues in ways other people can't. and you can use your resources to create space for people. ( applause ) >> stephen: let's switch seats. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so deray, anything you would like to ask me about being white? >> yeah, i would love to know what you plan to do now that you understand your whiteness a little better to dismantle it. >> stephen: what am i going to do to dismantle white privilege? >> now what that you understand it, what are you going to do-- . >> stephen: i don't know if i do understand it i can dismantle it acknowledge it. >> let's dialogue. let's think about it. >> you have a lot of money, you have a show. >> stephen: you can't have my money. ( laughter ) >> what you can do? >> stephen: and you can't have my show. >> why do you think people are uncomfortable talking about race, why are white people uncomfortable talking about
>> stephen: i can't speak for other white people. okay, i feel-- i feel guilty for anyone who does not have the things i have. and that includes, you know, black people or anyone because i am so blessed that i think there is always the fear it will be taken from you. >> and what can you do to manage that guilt? >> stephen: i drink a fair amount. >> i drink-- ( laughter ) >> you're great. >> stephen: i mean-- i don't here, shooting from the hip here. hi you on the show, does that help at all. >> baby steps, you got to start somewhere. got to create space for the conversation. we can't address what we don't talk about. >> stephen: i was at the march on washington, does that help? >> you were at the march on washington? >> stephen: i was, my mom was there and she was pregnant with me. >> nice. i love it. i love it. i love it. >> stephen: baby steps. >> literal, literal baby steps. >> that was good. that was good. >> stephen: deray mckesson, everybody.
( cheers and applause ) folks, you can't make this stuff up. four bandits chose a prius as their getaway car. bravo-niner, in pursuit of a toyota prius. over. how hard is it to catch a prius? over. this thing is actually pretty fast. over. very funny. oh look, a farmer's market. we should get some flowers for the car. yeah! holly! toyota. let's go places. here we go. ah man, who invited these guys? hey clay, it's cool if we order some delivery?
we're having digiorno pizza, fresh-baked in my own oven. okay. it's not delivery, it's digiorno. sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alecbaldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making arun for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis.
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inviting you to stay away from the streak free shine of windex. well dear windex users these ads are false. sfx: squeaks from window cleaning clean glass is better than dirty glass. don't stand for dirty. use windex. we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
>> stephen: q? >> number one in australia, number one in england, next number one in america, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my baby lady from australia, grace, singing "you don't own me." ( cheers and applause ) you don't own me i'm not just one of your many toys you don't own me don't say i can't go with other boys
and don't tell me what to say and, please, when i go out with you don't put me on display 'cause, you don't own me don't try to change me in any way you don't own me don't tie me down 'cause i'll never stay don't tell me what to do don't tell me what to say just let me be myself that's all i ask of you i'm young and i love to be young i'm free and i love to be free to live my life the way that i want
( cheers and applause ) we see cancer in many different ways. as an intruder a time bomb a monster but our bodies often don't recognize cancer at all a special kind of cell called the t-cell usually attacks and destroys intruders. but cancer has ways to turn t-cells off. so it can sneak right past our defenses. now, we're developing new treatments to turn our t-cells back on. to recognize cancer for what it is and destroy it. it's an approach called immunotherapy research by columbia and weill cornell has enabled new york presbyterian to use immunotherapy successfully to treat melanoma, lung, kidney and colon cancers. we're even looking into creating a vaccine to prevent cancer from striking in the first place. that's amazing.
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. before we go, i have a special announcement about babies. so if you don't know how babies are made, leave the room now. it's going to get graphic. i am proud to announce that we have three brand new additions to the colbert nation. first, when we were in preproduction on "the late show"
buckly born to michael buckly and my multitalented producer nicole sevini. i have to say samuel is the greatest thing nicole has ever produced. up until daniel craig was able to do the whole scene while holding his head upright, get to work. and a few weeks ago we were joined by decker charles mathison, son of rebecca and andrew mathison, seen here planning a jewelry heist, evidently. ( laughter ) andrew is one of our crack editors here at the late show, so decker, with andrew as your dad, your home movies will be good enough to air on cbs's procedurals. there are plenty of crimes that babies can solve. after all, what is peek-a-boo but an ongoing missing person's case. and we also welcomed mirastar clark cohen, whose parents are katherine clark and my writer aaron cohen. aaron is an incredible writer, in fact, he is the one in charge of writing all my adjectives,
feel-- i don't know what word to use. that was his job. luckily, we've hired an adjective temp and i think it will work out just lumpy. of course you will notice that all these children were conceived before we started work on the show. that's not a coinsedense. that was the last time anyone here was able to make physical contact with the loved one. so to all the new col-babies, i would like to offer a piece of advice when you begin your lives, when the ball goes behind the couch, don't worry, it still exists. that's it for the late show, everyone. now stick around for my friend james corden. good night, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by