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tv   9 On Your Side at 11  ABC  February 21, 2016 2:00am-2:30am EST

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citracal pearls. delicious berries and cream. soft, chewable, calcium plus vitamin d. only from citracal. enamel is your teeth's first and drinking can make it weak. try colgate enamel health. it replenishes weak spots with natural calcium to strengthen enamel four times better. colgate enamel health. stronger, healthy enamel. welcome back to comedy.tv. our next performer is a very good friend of mine, who is super, super funny. he's from chicago, illinois. please welcome rocky laporte. [ cheers and applause ] >> all right. thank you very much.
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there, folks, you good? yeah? gas is going back up again? yeah, i was in the station the other day and the guy is like fill it up. i go, no. just give me $90 worth. yeah, that way i got $10 left for starbucks. starbucks, they should call that place ten bucks, you know that? i had to go to the doctor the other day, you know and i'm in there and they make you fill out those stupid forms, you ever fill out one of those things? they put, who should we notify in case of an emergency. i'm like, how about the doctor? how about that? they're like no, we mean a parent and i'm like, they're probably just going to call the doctor, how about that?
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they're like, mrs. laporte, your son's been in a terrible accident. and she's like, oh, well, give him ice cream. he really likes ice cream. you ever fill out one of those things? the closest-living relative. i'm like, if here or my house? are we going to contact one of my dead relatives? my doctor told me to start working out because i just had a birthday there, i turned 40 like three, four years ago. and thanks. all my friends are like, rock, you don't seem that old. i guess it's because i read at a third-grade level. thanks. it keeps me young, you know? we just went back home, i had my big g.e.d. reunion. and, thanks. my kid the other day was asking
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and i said, that's where you get a verb and you add another one. yeah. so you get a verb like cat. and -- then you get another one, like lack. and you put it together, cadillac, come on. that's a compound adverb. i, you remember the tests we used to have when we were kids? they got the same things today. the math tests, they go, if bob is half of betty's age and in two years, he'll be two-third's betty's age. how do you find bob's age. i go up to him and i go, hey, bob -- so how old are you now? teacher was asking around. how old is betty, in case it
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you remember, then they go, show your work. i draw a picture of me walking up to bob. i skipped a grade, i went from fifth to third. so -- it worked out good. i'm in target the other day, i talked to this lady because i thought she worked there. she had a red shirt on. what idiot goes into target with a red shirt on? you know? yeah. and then she's mad at me. she goes, i don't work here. and i said, you need to dress a little better. thank you very much!
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rocky laporte, so funny. keep it going for all the comedians we saw tonight. thank you for watching comedy.tv. [ cheers and applause ] -- www.vitac.com
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this has been a production
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[voiceover]- get ready to plunge in to hilarious pranks that'll have you jumping for
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(laughter) and it's all just for laughs gags! welcome to the show. in this first gag, we see the depths to which some women will sink just to catch a bride's bouquet. (laughter) (jaunty music) (camera sound) (jaunty music) (screams) (laughter) (splashes) (laughter) (screams) (splashes) (laughter) (screams)
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(laughter) (screams) (laughter) (splashes) (laughter) (laughter) (clapping) (upbeat music) power up, everybody. a real live wire. (laughter) (electricity buzzing) (laughter) (jazz-like music) (laughter) (electricity buzzing)
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(laughter) (laughter) (jump rope noises) (laughter) (laughter) (jump rope noises) (laughter) (clapping) (upbeat music) next, some shipping
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some deliver same day, but our company finds you in the middle of nowhere, and delivers your package before you even order it. express prank, we deliver laughs. (laughter) (light tropical music) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter)
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(laughter) (laughter) (clapping) (upbeat music) next, this mind reading experiment turns shocking thanks to our womanizing psychic and a little bit of esp: extra special pranks. (laughter) (light rock music) (light rock music)
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(laughter) (light rock music) (laughter) (electrical buzzing) (scream) (electrical buzzing) (laughter) (laughter)
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(electrical buzzing) (clapping) we'll be right back with more gags right after this. (upbeat music) when you've got a house full of guests on the way and a cold with sinus pressure, you need fast relief. alka-seltzer plus severe sinus congestion and cough liquid gels rush relief to your tough symptoms. to put you back in control. [doorbell] woman: coming! alka-seltzer plus sinus. by 1924, mrs. stouffer raised two boys. inspired a business in cleveland. and raised the standard for easy homemade family meals. today her high standards live on. it's why we use freshly made pasta in our lasagna. topped with real mozzarella and aged parmesan.
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just a delicious meal you can feel good about serving your family. made with love. the way mrs. stouffer made it. stouffer's . made for you to love . our next item is a genuine "name your price" tool. from progressive twenty grand? -no! we are giving it away of $4.99 plus tax! we've got deborah from poughkeepsie. flo: yeah, no, it's flo. you guys realize anyone can use the "name your price" tool for free on progressive.com, right?
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[ pickles whines ] i know, it's like they're always on television. what? 80% of women say a healthy lifestyle is a priority. but up to 90% fall short in getting key nutrients from food alone. let's do more. add one a day women's 50+ complete multivitamin. with vitamin d and calcium to help support bone health. one a day. welcome back. after his tropical vacation, all this guy wants to do is sit back in his favorite chair and smoke. (laughter) (car doors closing) (car engine) (laughter)
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(laughter) (door squeak) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter)
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(upbeat music) next, here's a brief case for minding your own business. (laughter) (twangy music) (handcuff noise) (laughter) (handcuff noise) (laughter) (laughter) (spy music)
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(walkie talkie sounds) (walkie talkie sounds) (spy music) (handcuff noise) (laughter) (briefcase opening) (boing) (laughter) (boing) (laughter) (clapping) (upbeat music) we now join the marlboro man's funeral already in progress. here's one for the road, cowboy. (laughter)
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(laughter) (upbeat music) (laughter) (laughter) (laughter)
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(clapping) (upbeat music) our prankster cop is searching for an escaped prisoner dressed just like this gardener, proving that orange is the new black comedy. (laughter) (funky music) (laughter) (funky music) (laughter) (hitting noise with thud) (hitting noise with thud)
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(hitting noise) (gasp) (thud) (hitting noise with thud) (laughter) (boing) (laughter) (laughter) (clapping) more gags coming up right after this. (upbeat music) pressure like i do, many cold medicines may raise your blood pressure. coricidin hbp relieves cold symptoms without raising blood pressure. coricidin hbp. it appears. is that a dark spot? new gold bond dark spot
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americans... ... 83% try to eat healthy. yet up 90% fall short in getting key nutrients from food alone. let's do more. add one a day women's gummies. complete with key nutrients we may need... ...plus it supports bone health with calcium and vitamin d. one a day vitacraves gummies. pet moments are beautiful, unless you have allergies. then your eyes may see it differently. only flonase is approved to relieve both your itchy,z watery eyes and congestion. no other nasal allergy spray can say that. complete allergy relief or incomplete. let your eyes decide. flonase changes
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our prankster cop made such a big splash earlier, we brought him back to do it again. (splashing) (laughter) (ukulele music) (splashing) (laughter)
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(laughter) (splashing) (laughter) (splashing) (laughter) (splashing) (laughter)
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(upbeat music) next, we turn lipstick in to a little lip shtick. (kissing noises) so, pucker up and let's see how these helpful bystanders make out. (laughter) (happy music) (laughter) (happy music) (laughter) (kissing noises) (laughter)
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(kissing noises) (laughter) (kissing noises) (laughter) (laughter) (clapping) (kissing noise) (upbeat music) this rv comes fully loaded

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