tv 9 On Your Side at 11 ABC February 21, 2016 2:00am-2:30am EST
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citracal pearls. delicious berries and cream. soft, chewable, calcium plus vitamin d. only from citracal. enamel is your teeth's first and drinking can make it weak. try colgate enamel health. it replenishes weak spots with natural calcium to strengthen enamel four times better. colgate enamel health. stronger, healthy enamel. welcome back to comedy.tv. our next performer is a very good friend of mine, who is super, super funny. he's from chicago, illinois. please welcome rocky laporte. [ cheers and applause ] >> all right. thank you very much.
there, folks, you good? yeah? gas is going back up again? yeah, i was in the station the other day and the guy is like fill it up. i go, no. just give me $90 worth. yeah, that way i got $10 left for starbucks. starbucks, they should call that place ten bucks, you know that? i had to go to the doctor the other day, you know and i'm in there and they make you fill out those stupid forms, you ever fill out one of those things? they put, who should we notify in case of an emergency. i'm like, how about the doctor? how about that? they're like no, we mean a parent and i'm like, they're probably just going to call the doctor, how about that?
they're like, mrs. laporte, your son's been in a terrible accident. and she's like, oh, well, give him ice cream. he really likes ice cream. you ever fill out one of those things? the closest-living relative. i'm like, if here or my house? are we going to contact one of my dead relatives? my doctor told me to start working out because i just had a birthday there, i turned 40 like three, four years ago. and thanks. all my friends are like, rock, you don't seem that old. i guess it's because i read at a third-grade level. thanks. it keeps me young, you know? we just went back home, i had my big g.e.d. reunion. and, thanks. my kid the other day was asking
and i said, that's where you get a verb and you add another one. yeah. so you get a verb like cat. and -- then you get another one, like lack. and you put it together, cadillac, come on. that's a compound adverb. i, you remember the tests we used to have when we were kids? they got the same things today. the math tests, they go, if bob is half of betty's age and in two years, he'll be two-third's betty's age. how do you find bob's age. i go up to him and i go, hey, bob -- so how old are you now? teacher was asking around. how old is betty, in case it
you remember, then they go, show your work. i draw a picture of me walking up to bob. i skipped a grade, i went from fifth to third. so -- it worked out good. i'm in target the other day, i talked to this lady because i thought she worked there. she had a red shirt on. what idiot goes into target with a red shirt on? you know? yeah. and then she's mad at me. she goes, i don't work here. and i said, you need to dress a little better. thank you very much!
(laughter) and it's all just for laughs gags! welcome to the show. in this first gag, we see the depths to which some women will sink just to catch a bride's bouquet. (laughter) (jaunty music) (camera sound) (jaunty music) (screams) (laughter) (splashes) (laughter) (screams) (splashes) (laughter) (screams)
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(hitting noise) (gasp) (thud) (hitting noise with thud) (laughter) (boing) (laughter) (laughter) (clapping) more gags coming up right after this. (upbeat music) pressure like i do, many cold medicines may raise your blood pressure. coricidin hbp relieves cold symptoms without raising blood pressure. coricidin hbp. it appears. is that a dark spot? new gold bond dark spot
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