tv Right This Minute ABC March 20, 2016 12:30am-1:05am EDT
thiss crazy. when you're pregnant, you shouldn't drink tequila. fortunately for these guys taking a parenting class, they're going to get some tequila. they're going to work with someone who needs some help and compassion right now. >> this is teqwila, our adopting mother. you're assisting her today. >> look at this! >> i'm going to need some teqwila. >> why don't we start with burden of proving burping the baby. burping ] >> i think she just burped. >> now it's time to change the soiled. >> some powder. >> powder is great to keep them nice and dry. >> that i do know, because i use baby powder on my crotch. >> the saddest part about this, these guys probably do need some
foot in class again after this. >> ever! >> i do have a device here which simulates breastfeeding. >> okay. you go with daddy right now, okay? be good. >> teqwila! >> why don't we get michael to help you with this. >> oh! >> since you're an adoptive mother, you don't get that birthing experience a natural mother would get and we think experience. >> yes. >> he makes it clear that teqwila isn't actually going to deliver the baby. it's going to be an adoption. >> i'm pushing as hard as i can! >> yes, i have. >> oh, my goodness. >> there it is. >> isn't it gorgeous? >> in the end, they have a nice little family with a baby. >> and those guys will forever be publicized. >> we're going to make a great family.
here's your host, burndettre. >> hello. everybody. we have a great lineup for you guys tonight. i am so excited to be here. i left the husband in new york. let the good times begin it's a lot of work. getting a husband. very big commitment. it's like getting a dog. oh, sure. time. you have to think long and hard if you want to pick its crap up for the rest of its life. that guy, could drop dead 90 years old picking up his crap. that's how you want to go?
guys to find him. sometimes i look at him and say, you are so hot. if i were married to you. i would have sex with you. you ready for a great show? >> well your first comedian comes from upstate new york. give it up for paul morrisy. >> >> >> wow. >> >> thank you so much. i am originally from upstate new york. that's where i get this tan from. soak in in ladies. that's sarcasm.
doesn't even make sense. i have two colors. white and red. where i put sun screen and where i missed with the sun screen. end the day, look like a big candy cane. that's not a good look for the ladies. i am jealous of the people that get tanned. people come up and say, that looks like it hurts. got a little fire engine red going. i have a reddish hue to me. i don't know if you can see the blood through my skin. whenever i photoshop my pictures to remove the red eye. it blacks out my whole face. we live in california, we voted down gay marriage.
there's crazier marriages. common law. that's crazy. you live with them five year, boom you're marriage. especially in l.a.. you end up with two loser dudes sharing the same crappy apartment for five years. >> i was working part time in a pizza place. five years goes by. boom their married. i didn't know tony and jim were married. now they're gay. i went to the deli i was like. hey, can i get a pound of turkey. turkey like for a sandwich? is this your first day or are you messing with me.
i mean for a shower curtain. eight feet by six feet of turkey. i like to eat my way out of shower in the morning. >> i also need a pepperoni slip and slide. baloney floor mats. i just like my feet to feel squishy when i'm driving. i went to a nutritionist. you tell them what you ate and they tell you how bad it was. you lie to them. she said, what did you have for lunch? sand wish. no mayonnaise and no cheese.
what the hell kind of sandwich was that, it was an ice cream sandwich. thank you guys so much. >> paul morrisy. stick around for more comedy.tv >> you're watching comedy.tv. i could take a great big bite out of you when i get my cake, i like to eat it, too [ male announcer ] colgate wisp. the mini-brush we know designer when we see it. like the designer smile. it's bolder, brighter and our blogs are buzzing about it. it's the new must-have look. the designer smile by colgate. new optic white high impact white toothpaste. with a professionally recommended whitening ingredient...
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i am glad to be here. i have yet to be pulled over by the cops. that's an accomplishment for a young black man. racial profiling. last week, i swear to god. i saw two white cops pullover two black cops. racist man. last time i got pulled over, i got lucky. they let me go. he walked up with that cop arrogance. roll down the window you son of a bitch. do you know why i pulled you over?
yeah. he said, you have a great day, prince. got on his walkie-talkie. guys, you wouldn't believe it. i just pulled over prince. he seemed to have fallen on tough times. was driving an' 89 toyota hatch back. yes. it was purple. i got a way though. man. that's all that counts. i have had fun. my family is out here. i have a cousin seven years old. all the ladies approach my cousin and tell hem how cute he is. you can get away with saying things to little kids. when it comes to giving
ladies walk up to my was. oh. is this your cousin? look as him. i just want to kidnap you. uh-huh. take you home with me. uh-huh. look at you. look at him, girl. got your little wife beaterful muscles. you are going to be a little freak when you grow up. yes, you are. now, i'm always tripping off of that. i'm thinking, fellows, we could never, ever get away with nothing like that. never in your life see a dude. hey, what's going on man. is this your little niece. damn. damn.
yeah. oh. uh-huh. yeah. look at this sexy little thing right here. yeah. i just want to kidnap you baby girl. yeah. . oh. you going to be a little freak when you grow up baby. a little freak. freak of the week. freak of the week. she is tearing that pacifier up. yeah. yeah. freak of the week. look at this. she going to be thick. oh. get away from my niece. man. man. they're just complements. come on man. you got it watch out man. creepy people in the world. real creepy people in the world.
you ever run into the angry homeless dude? i know i'm not the only one. the angry homeless dude. this dude, be ware of this dude. say man. you got a dollar i can get? come on, brother. i can't got time. it's cold as hell out here. where you going? i'm on your defense. i'm on your defense. see you. >> kenny johnson. how awesome was he? stick around for more of the
give it up for bob zaney. >> yeah. this is the crowd baby. i had a woman come up to me. she said, i thought you were funny in the beginning. i thought, that was so weird. when you came over >> i thought you were so pretty. now, not so much. i love people. i was walking on the strip in vegas. i saw a penny laying down. a drunk homeless guy said, hey. that's bad luck. i said, i guess you would freaking know. i went to home depot. it's the do it yourself store. you went down to ask for help.
>> that's not my aisle. >> albertson's, it's your store. they don't like it when i take my crap only. radio shack. hey, can an orphan eat at a family restaurant? what does an athie st say at an orgasm. then i met the over achiever. i said, you should get some sleep. he said, i will sleep when i die. i said, why don't you go to bed early? >> i saw this women walking down
am i believed here because she was eating a big bean burrito. i saw a woman that had a shirt that said, i have a vagina deal with it. i said, i got a penis. it's get together. i will raise you baby. >> bob zaney. let him hear it. don't go away. we have more great comedians coming right at you. right here on comedy.tv. >> this is the first time meeting baron. true stand up comedian. on the stairs, in the deli room with his notes and a painter's hat on.
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and when i'm on the 60, i go 60. when i'm on the 405. you should watch the hell out. sometimes i get really bored. i like to take out the automotive section and call people up. taurus. interested. lost pet. you go, i'm calling about that last pet. the striped tabby with the white paws. i haven't seen it anywhere. where is that cat? >> i am gene pompa.
it's pronounced pompa. i could drink and booze almost. not i'm what you call a social drinker. if someone says, i will have a drink. i say, so shall i. i had to go shopping today to get boots. i can't tell you how difficult it is to find men a classic boots with a little bit of a heal and an open toe. i was in the supermarket and i groceries. this guys gets behind me. he's checking his watch and lookinga at my two full carts. i totally ignored him.
is that spaghetti sauce. you should do a little more shopping. i will be a little more. i have to write a check. i don't have any id. and i got a lot of coupons. i only need a pair of scissors and i can cut them out. it took forever to get here on the ten. so, i was dating this woman. really nice. quality young female person. the first time we were having sex. she turned into the tigeress. talk to me. talk to me. how, how are you? how is your folks?
you call information and you don't even talk to a person. call them up. city and state. sacramento. san diego, california. sacramento, california am san francisco, california. out of frustration. you hit every consonant. >> san luis obispo. >> you have to yell something incompletely incoherent. >> because you know they're totally listening. that's why they always get on i'm sorry. i didn't hear what you said. i said sacramento you lazy