tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 29, 2016 12:05am-1:07am EST
all members of the academy who are eligible are invited to vote their nominations for best picture. in most other categories, the nominations are decided by a vote of the members working in that specific category. then the entire membership chooses from those nominations the recipients of the oscars. and finally, the results of all the secret voting are known only to the independent accounting
>> newscenter. maria: a police officer from new england, shot and killed during her first shift. >> the tributes here at home. >> and the new calls for help from the scene. >> the push for diversity at the oscars. >> otherwise known as the white people' s choice awards. >> the local actress on progress made and challenges that remain. maria: the last hope for a baby girl who has already been through so much. ed: the rare and risky procedure local doctors have planned. p i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. her life's work has been about
and so would her presidency. pwhich is why, for every
american who's not being paid what they're worth... pwho's held back by student debt or a system tilted against them- p and there are far too many of you- she understands that our rcountry can't reach it's potential... unless we all do. together. a stronger country. hmm hmm hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm counting the cars on the new jersey turnpike t they've all come to look for america v to look for america v all come to look for america i'm bernie sanders,
p.m. starts right now. fallen police officer. ashley guindon was killed in virginia but there is heartbreak in new
england tonight as well. she was on her first patrol ever when she was shot and killed. thank you for staying with us i' m maria stephanos. ,ed: i' m ed harding. officer guindon was born in newscenter 5' s reid lamberty is there live with the tributes planned for her. >> the school day will start with a moment of silence at the in 2005. a terrible tragedy here on saturday, compounded by the unusual circumstances around her death. a community tethered by sorrow, grieving the tragedy of a officer killed just hours into her first shift. >> i just want to be clear, do
a shooting? >> we have 3 officers that have been shot. >> the chilling message from police dispatch in virginia, three officers shot. ashley guindon' fatal. >> when news came in surgery she passed it was it definitely hit us, we weren' t expecting this at all. >> it was the first day on the job for the 28-year-old merrimack new hampshire high school graduate, the prince william county police department tweeting a picture friday of her and another new recruit including the message be safe. >> the irony is a bit overwhelming. >> merrimack high school principal, kenneth johnson, remembers guindon as a cheerleader before graduation, a marine after, her high school yearbook picture highlighted by her own words, live for something rather than die for nothing. >> on her very first day in that field a kid who gives her life to community service has her lie ife taken on the very first day.
responding to a domestic violence incident. 32-year-old ronald hamilton, an active duty staff sergeant at the pentagon, started shooting, g. the two other officers shot are expected to recover, the rookie officer' s death drawing nationwide support from the law enforcement community including merrimack, where her mother still lives. >> this kind of brings home the fact that all the best laid plans sometimes don' t matter. >> sadly she is the sixth student from the class of 2005. to have died. life tonight, newscenter 5. ed: right now, a domestic violence suspect is hospitalized after being shot by a police officer in dartmouth. it happened this afternoon, police responding to an incident between a mother and a son at a home on dartmouth street. investigators say 23-year-old ryan kuphal charged at police officers with a knife. when a taser failed to stop him he was shot. kuphal listed in stable condition tonight. right now chelsea police are trying to unravel a deadly
this morning. nicole estaphan is live in chelsea. and nicole all these hours later it' s still not clear exactly what happened. >> that is right. investigators trying to figure out exactly what led to this man' s death. the family identifying the victim as 34-year-old alex perez. markers of a life-now lost lay on a chelsea sidewalk. where hours earlier a mans body was found sunday morning. >> i don' t hear nothing. >> glenda ramirez lives in the cottage street home, just feet from where 34-year-old alex perez was discovered. ramirez says waking up to police tape, is nothing new. >> everywhere is dangerous. not only here. it is the life. >> family members tell us perez was a hard worker. a cook at a local restaurant. he loved soccer, his mysterious and what police are calling suspicious death, has left
>> we are just working hard every day. we wake up every morning and go to work. you see someone in the street it is a different mindset. >> police spent several hours both inside and outside of 83 cottage street. saying little about what they believe led to pereze' s death. police are asking anyone who has any information about his to call the police department. ed: worcester police are on the look-out for a van involved in a violent hit and run. a man and woman are seriously hurt after that van backed over them, then took off. it happened outside a flea market on quinsigamond ave this afternoon. witnesses rushed to help the couple until an ambulance arrived. >> the lady looked way worse. she had scratches all over the back of her hands. her
ed: the 58-year-old woman who was hit is still hospitalized. the man has been released. witnesses say they saw a brown or gold minivan leaving the scene. worcester police are asking anyone with information to come forward. maria: taking a live look at boston skyline as we wrap up the warm, terrific weekend. i heard you say snow. >> there may be a few flakes. i do not want to get too excited. there are two events. the first one is coming in here tomorrow. notice, are numeral high temperatures will be 41 degrees. in the readings, we are at 41 at this hour. all quiet tonight. as you widen the view, there are some showers coming up for tomorrow. these will be rated showers, and not widespread at best. tomorrow, climbing into the 50' s. scattered showers through the early afternoon. we haven'
up, a little more interesting characteristic, there could be some snowflakes. that is coming up in a few minutes. ed: commitment 2016, and tonight a new poll gives hillary clinton the edge in massachusetts as we head into super tuesday. you are looking at the numbers. the suffolk university poll giving clinton 50% of the vote, senator bernie sanders 42%. this is the most recent poll. right now, candidates in both parties are putting on a full-court press heading into super tuesday' s vote. the campaign winds through massachusetts tomorrow. bernie sanders appears in milton tomorrow night. hillary clinton stops in springfield in the morning then at the old south meeting house in boston just after noon. clinton is barely mentioning sanders tonight, instead targeting republican frontrunner donald trump. >> i believe that america is great right now. ed: joined by scandal star tony goldwyn in tennessee today, clinton said this about trump' s latest controversy for not denouncing former klu klux klan leader david duke on t.v. this morning. >> you heard about his latest
>> what has he done now. >> about the kkk and david duke he didn' t know who david duke was. >> oh that' s pathetic. >> trump' s republican rivals are jumping on it too. >> there is no place in the conservative movement for david duke, the kkk or any other bigotry in america. >> if we nominate donald trump, hillary in all likelihood becomes the next president and that would be disastrous for this country. ed: trump later re-tweeted a speech from friday when he disavowed duke' s support. he' s basking in another endorsement tonight. >> i am pleased to endorse donald trump. ed: jeff sessions of alabama is the first sitting senator to endorse trump. it' s a blow for ted cruz, who has been courting sessions for months. also heading to massachusetts tomorrow is former president bill clinton. he will hold a rally late tomorrow night in worcester for his wife' s campaign. that event is scheduled to start at 11:15. maria: someone is shooting at cars and homes in falmouth and
trying to identify who' s behind it. the suspect or suspects are damaging the windows of cars and homes all across falmouth. police say they' re using a bb gun or airsoft gun to break the windows. if you know anything you are asked to contact the falmouth police department. ed: a smoke detector and a father' s fast response may have saved a family early this morning from a burning home in marblehead. that father was woken up by the sound of blaring smoke detectors in the willow road home. he was able to get his wife and 2 kids out of the house as flames shot from the upper floors. no one was hurt. the cause is under investigation. maria: the investigation continues into this small plane crash at plymouth airport. the pilot was the only person on board at the time of yesterday' s crash. we can tell you he was seriously injured, but we do not have any specific word on his condition tonight. he was practicing a training exercise called a touch and go landing when he crashed on the grass just feet from the runway. ed: just moments ago, celebration and controversy at tonight'
spotlight taking the biggest award of the night, winning best picture. it is the story of the boston globe reporters uncovering the sex abuse scandal. diversity, however, was the major topic of the night. host chris rock delivering a blistering opening monologue. >> our juli mcdoonald has more on the movie industry' s struggle for real change. >> is hollywood racist? you damn right hollywood' s racist. >> chris rock wasted no time on the oscars stage getting to what' s making people see red, too much white. in true chris rock fashion, he took shots at everyone, hollywood, the academy, and the group of nearby protesters led by reverend al sharpton saying there' s a reason there wasn' t this black backlash decades ago. >> we had real things to protest. too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won best cinematographer. >> boston actress xiomara pique hart admitted to newscenter 5
based on what she looks like. it was a lesson she learned in her first acting class. >> it was kind of hard when i got up there and the other students said to me i could see you as a single mom. a single poor mom. >> she wants more. and so do a lot of minority actors. rock' s oscars monologue ended with a simple theme, inclusion. >> we want opportunities. we want the black actors to get the same opportunities. that' s it. >> and it' s this conversation that makes pique hart excited to be in the business right now. >> i think because of the changes we' re going to see other things happening. i' m actually very optimistic. nchor,juli] >> academy president cheryl boone isaacs took the stage tonight and said tonight' s celebrated storytellers have great opportunity but also a responsibility. she said their audience is global and diverse, and the
that. maria: a couple' s life. >> she' s a fighter. >> their cross-country move to boston. and the rare procedure doctors here hope to pull off. >> a couple of chances for rating this week. their arrival and when we could see snowflakes. ed: remember the cruise ship tossed around in a storm? tonight, cutting another trip short. p the new caramel macchiato from dunkin' donuts. r
maria: your health tonight. she' s been fighting for her life since the day she was born. ed: and now, 10-month-old portia is facing her biggest challenge yet. newscenter 5' s heather unruh explains what it will take to win. >> she is quite the little miracle. >> born premature and just 30 weeks, she is the first baby for todd and jenna. their family members from other photos all have the same backdrop. >> we are always in the hospital. >> she has already injured -- indoors 11 surgeries. now her lungs are in trouble. her primary iss ue is pulmonary
her lungs which gives her stress on her heart. that can be life-threatening. >> they offer chemotherapy and other specialized treatments hospitals. he googled the disease. she told todd they had to move. >> you to do what you have to do. if she is going to have a chance we have to get her to boston. >> the treatment is not a long-term solution. >> the ultimate care would be a lung transplant. >> lung transplants are rare as indians, but are almost never done in infants under your old. -- under a year old. >> in the past six years just 27 have been performed around the world. a significant challenges keeping the child alive until a donor is found. >> we understand fully what her condition is.
there is a lot of hope. >> she is all there is too late. boston. they' affordable housing new the hospital. help them stay close to their baby. ed: a royal caribbean cruise ship making headlines again. the anthem of the sea was battered by a major atlantic storm earlier this month and was forced to head back to its home port in new jersey. today the vessel was forced to cut its trip short again. it was headed toward a major storm developing off cape hatteras and there is an outbreak of the norovirus. maria: an elderly pennsylvania man plunges his plane into a tree and survives. tonight the rescue effort to get him back on the ground. he is 87 years old. his name is herbert bartell and he reported trouble just after takeoff. the engine began to sputter he lost control.
ended up in the tree. somehow he managed to call 911 and this 87-year-old waited four hours in the tree while rescuers figured out how to get him down. >> he was a very good spirits the whole time. he was conscious, alert, oriented. >> he was able to escape with just minor injuries. the cause of the crash is under investigation. ed: i have to say thank you. earlier this night i was filling out my balance, and she said spotlight, and that was it. [laughter] i want to show you the temperatures across the country. talk about. i will talk about the temperatures dipping on tuesday, but i do not think it will be a
tour the end of the week we will tap into the cold air in canada. high temperatures like like this. a few places flirting with the 60 degree mark. i think tomorrow if you have you may get it. if you are along the south coast keeping your cool out there. 45 degrees. there' s that busy southwesterly wind. mild air. this what we' re sitting in. there is a system out to the dry. there will be some sunshine out there, look at those first thing in the morning. scattered showers breaking out.
tomorrow. let me bring it all down for you in our seven day forecast and show you what is going to happen. scattered showers will be coming through, and the timeline on these pushes it through with this cold front. that will happen around lunchtime. behind the weather is a little bit cooler. if you look at tuesday' s forecast with high computers are only a to be about 46 degrees. temperature the 20' s and 30' s in the morning and in their warm up a little bit. we get to the mid to upper 40' s for most locations. it is a cool day for most days. initially, it may be cold enough that we see some areas, pockets of eyes or snowflakes coming in.
as we get closer, it turns over to mostly rain, and that it is all rain on wednesday. this will not be hit or miss, this is full-fledged rain and it will be all day . it will relax a little bit in the afternoon. plan on some wind. it will feel a lot colder than that. the last couple of days it looks like this would torment to a nor' easter and brush against the cape. the latest computer runs are coming in, they are getting more agreement going on and it looks like this will crack too far off shore to do but. we get some clouds in here, wins in here, we will get cold temperatures. the reason. just to that.
back up again. in a snow free week ahead of us, it will feel like winter. >> o' halloran. >> spotlight on the bruins tonight as they look to make room for joy by adhering to the creed, do your jobs but they ended up on the big short by playing like a little danish girl not in brooklyn but at home against the lightning i should also mention, the bruins put max talbot on waivers, but that didn' t make him mad max. that' s nine 2015 movie references already stay with me there will be more. bruins on the board first, kevin miller through a screen his 5th. tampa bay would tie it up and then this happened. adam mcquaid turned inside out on this one he could definitely
commercial. second period, brad martian, that' s actually mar-chand not martian. he goes after steven stamkos refs are going to call that a break-away and give stamkos a penalty shot. stamkos will fake tuukka rask out of the socks inside his skates. these are hunger games you gotta want it but the bruins play like a train wreck and lose, 4-1 . meanwhile, the bruins efforts to extend loui eriksson' s contract has been mission impossible so far and eriksson could soon be straight outta boston. best i can do, but it counts. today, g.m. don sweeney who 4 years ago was 45-years-old explained his position. >> he is a good player. he is having a great season. very important for success, and we treat it as such. the deal with the right fit, and
i would want to sign him and go from there. >> clearly, the spectre of trading eriksson haunts sweeney like the revenant equally obvious sweeney wants to do something to help the bruins before tomorrow' s 3:00 trade deadline. the red sox star wars reference to the yankees as the evil empire doesn' t quite apply as it once did but their starting nine remains the hateful 8 plus one. and 3 reasons to be optimistic about the red sox are in left, center and right field. mookie betts, jackie bradley and rusney castillo are a big part of the red sox tomorrowland but they' re here today, here to defense. guys get a good swing on the ball. s what we' re trying to do. >> if you google honda classic and underwear you' hits. that' s because gary woodland stripped to his boxer briefs and
the sixth hole. he' d end up making par and to wore two pairs of pants you know, in case they get a hole in one. adam scott back from making that furious seven on a par 3 yesterday hits a great shot out of the fairway bunker. he started the day in the lead . sergio garcia just gets his birdie putt to fall on 18, that put him one stroke behind. scott had to make this little tap-in and he did adam scott silently thinks to himself, i' ve got goosebumps like the intern on the bridge of spies. that' without a concussion. oh, 28. [laughter] ed: some serious discussions at the oscar ceremony tonight, but a lot of humor too. maria: coming up next, tracy
ed: oscar host chris rock addressed the lack of diversity at this year' s academy awards with sharp critiques and humor. >> lighter moments from tonight' s show also included a parody of some of the nominated films reshot with black actors. in one scene whoopi goldberg is seen mopping behind jennifer lawrence in joy and in another comedian leslie jones replaces the bear in the revenant. and here tracy morgan gives his own unique interpretation of the danish girl. >> look at me. look at me. a black lesbian stirring in his first or medical role -- a black lesbian starring in his first or medical role. i am a danish girl. [laughter] >> nailed it.
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and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars"! >> how do you think it went? what did you think of j-law's dress? which white people did you go after, bro? >> chris, over here, did you to us! >> jimmy, jimmy kimmel, what are you doing out here? >> jimmy: my mom got me this camera, i figured i'd get a few shots. >> don't you have the "after the oscars" special tonight?
nourishing lotion? yo, chris. did leta rock it tonight? chris, who are you wearing? chris! i didn't find out who you're wearing! i need to know who you're wearing! " oscars" ! tonight - ben affleck, tracy morgan, henry cavill, jesse isenberg, j.k. simmons, will arnett, nathan lane, and less. plus we go live to the governors ball. presented by samsung. with cleto and the cletones. and now -- lights, camera, action - here's jimmy kimmel!
>> jimmy: thank you. i was not expecting it. thank you. i'm jimmy. thanks for watching. thanks for staying up. i know it's late for a sunday night but welcome to our 11th annual after the oscars special. the statues have been handed out, the speeches have been spoken, and once again i was not invited to any of the after parties so here we are together. [ cheers and applause ] making the best of it. it was a night of controversy. it was a night of awareness. it was a night of a lot of uncomfortable famous white people trying to make sure they them. as you know there were no black categories. tonight's oscar hopefuls were whiter than the line to buy t-shirts at a michael bolton concert.
or asian octoberer was going to win an oscar was if they let steve harvey announce the winner and that didn't happen. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the show went mostly as expected, there weren't a ton of surprises. the biggest surprise was learning there's actually a movie called "the 100 year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared." it was an interesting show. the sound cut out on one of the guys who won best sound design. true. i think the person -- the kid who introduced best short was short. so that was good. and the woman who won best costume design showed up dressed like this. >> this is the second oscar and tenth nomination for jenny bevin. the first oscar in this category -- >> jimmy: she looked like sammy hagar in sturgis.
work home with her. "spotlight" won best picture. brie larson won best actress. [ cheers and applause ] leonardo dicaprio won best actor. leo had been nominated six types. until tonight he never won but everyone kept saying, this is his year. and it was. but you know, the man has had sex with a different victoria's secret model every night of -- every year of his year. from 1991 on has been his year. and it was a special night whether you're a fan of movies, movie stars, or the ryan seacrest men's wear collection. we still have many great moments in store yore rou. ben affleck is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: bad man versus superman." he's batman. yesterday was ben's 4-year-old son's birthday party and guess what costume his son made him wear to entertain the kids at the party. that's right. we'll find out how that went. it's not all glamorous, this hollywood stuff. one day you're on the red
are beating you with pinata sticks. right now the stars are heading to the governors ball, the post-oscars party across the street. our man guillermo is there standing by live via our big cisco screen. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll get go to him now, guillermo, what's it like, are there any big stars around? >>. >> yes, there's a lot of the big stars around here. beautiful women too. >> jimmy: why don't you have any of them? >> oh. they at the bar right now. >> jimmy: they're at the bar, all right. see who you can russell up for us and we'll check back in later. how many drinks have you had? >> about 40 shots of tequila. perfect. so he's ready to go. that's actually less than he typically has on a sunday night. thank you, guillermo. we'll check back in with you later at the governors ball. one of the most critically acclaimed movies of the year this year that was not nominated for best picture was "cred," the story of rocky balboa training
stallone was nominated for an oscar. it would not be a movie without a sequel. the world premiere trailer for the much-anticipated followup to "creed." >> i will have a choice. this is my one shot. i was born to do this. can't nobody stop me! >> you got no business being here. >> the other fighters are fighting for their lives. look at you. eating a hero sandwich. >> it's a hoagie! >> get the hell out of my gym! >> look at this. your first fight with clubber. you got caught with a right uppercut. you're sounding like a dolphin with an itchy blow hole. hee hee!
hee hee! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! >> how do you know so much about that fight? >> that was my pops. >> junior. us. i need you to train me. >> train you to do what? >> what do you think i'm talking about, fool, to fight. >> you don't look like a fighter. >> i been fighting my whole the people who said i couldn't fight -- >> ha ha ha! >> fighting my demons. >> hey, baby. >> fighting that lady in the wendy's drive-through because she wouldn't give me extra dipping sauce. >> quheerls my dipping sauce? >> all i asked for was extra honey mustard! aahhh! >> i'll teach you to fight, kid. let's get some shorts on you because we got work to do. come on. >> all i asked for was extra
mustard. >> come on! come on now! >> oohh! >> one. >> come on, chicken, come over here! >> boxing isn't just about strength and conditioning. it's about heart. brains. >> and fowls and wings! >> over, under, round and through. meet mr. bunny pull it through. you're not focusing. you've got to focus. beat that meat like you mean it! harder! harder! you've got to kill him! give it to him! what the hell are you doing? whoa, whoa, whoa! hey, hey, no! no! no! got it?
you've got it! [ cheers and applause ] >> it's the fight nobody thought would happen. >> this is a fight nobody thought should happen. this is a disgrace to the sport of boxing. but i can't wait to see it. >> this is our last round, you need this one. >> i keep thinking it's gum. >> focus, kid, you need your edge out there! >> rrrow! hey, get me some. honey mustard, you remembered! >> that's right. now go get him. >> that was clubber. >> i know, i know. mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. love you so much. i got hair in my teeth. go get him! >> pop?
fool! >> how am i doing? >> good. yeah. there will be a sequel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break but it will be worth it, stay there. we have many stars and many surprises on the way. it's our biggest show of the year. our 11th annual " after the oscars" special - we'll be right back after this. [ cheers and applause ] why can't i buy this weird, shaved-meat sandwich with my phone? me through theset ugh. eh, probablyt fine though. [lightning strike] why can't my phone haver enough memory to hold all a hundred andrforty-five of my movies, like that one with thep r rwhy can't my phone take high quality low light r photos instead of this big, expensive camera?
rwhy don't you come down from there sir? you got it! p why doesn't my phone work after i pour this expensive champagne all over it? r how am i 'sposed to show people how rich and carefree i am? p why did i have to wait so long in this commercial r to do a celebrity sports person cameo? [scoreboard buzzer] r why don't i ever get asked to be the tspokesperson in the commercial? ha, ha. good question. introducing the only water-resistant, fast, wireless-charging, best camera having, memory expandable, pay almost anywhere, samsung galaxy s7 edge. vr experience ended. man, i would have mader a great spokesperson. v
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cc1 test message test text1 underline test text1 italics >> hello, america. >> jimmy: hey, you had a pretty quick costume change there, i guess. >> i don't know what you're talking about that wasn't me. >> jimmy: oh, that's right. i forgot. >> the academy would never let somebody like ali g. come out. i went to the toilet, it was done. >> jimmy: is it true that sacha -- you were supposed to present and instead ali g. wound up filling in as a surprise? >> that is true. that is true. i was very displayed because i was getting ready -- nature called. i went into the bathroom. next thing i knew, i had been usurped by ali g. and made a
>> jimmy: ali g. presented by olivia, did she know ali g. was coming out instead of you -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm sorry -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm real sorry. >> i'm not aware. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sacha, i apologize, there's some idiots in the back. >> yeah, there's a lot of complete pardon my french [ bleep ] walking around. >> jimmy: yeah, there are people jumping around in the back like -- >> they're just trying to get famous. a lot of people are here upset they didn't win tonight. >> jimmy: you know, this is really a shame that we put so much work into the show and then people just show and up they ruin it like that. >> bad losers. >> jimmy: well, you know -- sacha, you have a movie "the brothers grimsby" coming out. >> that's right, that's right. march 11th. >> jimmy: and again, i apologize for what's going on here, very unprofessional.
should be watching for what's going on. get the guy behind you out of the shot! >> who is -- >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> dim wit. >> jimmy: i'm so sorry. >> stay away, please. >> jimmy: there's no excuse for that. i apologize again. some people are just gross. but thank you very much. >> yeah. >> jimmy: sacha baron cohen! [ cheers and applause ] >> stay away. >> jimmy: thank you so much, guillermo. >> stay away next year. >> jimmy: thank you. keep rounding people up, will you, guillermo? no -- >> hey, jimmy -- >> jimmy: thank you very much. much. [ cheers and applause ] it just really pisses me off, that's all. so back to the movies. watching television tonight. is on car night is a night to celebrate great films. if you're at all familiar with the movie "the producers" you know it is one of the best comedies ever. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the producers" is a classic, won an oscar for mel
awards when mel made it into a broadway musical starring nathan lane and matthew broderick. it's been almost 15 years. now they're back with a diabolical new scheme to unleash yet. >> they were a pair of political consultants on needed a break. >> that's it! we're finished, through, kaput! >> don't say that, max. >> let's face it, bloom, we haven't had a winning campaign in years. >> max, do you realize under the right circumstances it might be possible to make more money from a losing candidate than from a winner? >> what did you say? >> first we find a bad candidate, then we raise money like crazy and promise all the donors ambassadorships to italy or sweden or armenia. then when the public figures out what a nut case our guy is he drops out of the race -- >> and we keep all the dough! oh, darling bloom, glorious
you bloody genius you! >> max, don't. >> but wait, wait. this candidate. he's got to be the worst candidate in history. schmuck, putt nincompoop. where would we find a buffoon like that? >> and now a message from the board room. >> people have been asking about my desk and the fact that i have so many papers on my desk. it's actually very neat. but if you look around, i mean, there's a lot of stuff. i've noticed over the years -- people have a lot going on on their desk. >> hand me the phone! the phone! >> my desk is a very important part of me -- >> yes, yes, yes. hello, hello, operator? >> -- that's a good thing -- >> get me the board room. you know which one. innocence thens they had a foolproof plan. >> there's a new horse in the race for the white house.
can he beat the establishment? who will support him? fiscal conservatives? the religious right? or crazy old semi-racist white people? >> they're sure he can win? >> oh, mrs. comisky, donald trump is the very definition of a winner. >> just read the pin. >> oh. >> bless you, mrs. comisky, bless you. thank you. thank you. yes. i keep the checkie, thank you. thank you, mrs. comisky. yes, good-bye, mrs. comisky. here we go. that's a girl. oh, oh! beautiful, beautiful. we're going right out the door. all right, easy now. easy, we don't have time for that. easy. all right. don't worry, it's only six flights. bye! >> bye. >> thank god for citizens united. >> 22 ambassadors to france so far.
i have to tell you, running trump was smart. but your idea about building a wall across the mexican border? brilliant. >> not as brilliant as your idea about making the mexicans pay for it. >> he won't last the week! >> oh, look, max, this is it. >> i will build a great, great wall on our southern border and i will have mexico pay for that wall. mark my words. we're in the money we're in the money >> announcer: but they pick the wrong fool. >> good news for donald trump. the whole world has gone stark raving mad for him like these two looney birds, these numb skulls, even in whack a doodle. >> you ready for someone who will let our warriors do their job and go kick isis' ass? >> he's still in the lead, max. >> how could this happen? >> well, i hear he's a proven
things done. >> yeah, he'll stand up to the mexicans. >> i can't believe this it's not possible. >> wait a minute. wait a minute -- did he question >> yes. >> did he say we should kick out >> yes. >> did he propose banning all 1 billion muslims from entering the u.s.? >> si! >> did he say heidi klum was no longer a 10? >> yes, yes! >> nothing is working, max, nothing. >> oh, no! no! >> announcer: just in time for the election, it's a story that starts off funny and then gets really, really depressing. [ cheers and applause ] we needed a chump to put on the stump a frumpy grumpy named donald j. trump
thousand feet tall don't worry cause the mexicans will pay for it all >> announcer: from the producers of "the producers" comes a movie that will make america great again. nathan lane, matthew broderick, and cloris leachman star in -- you've been trumped >> maybe he won't be such a bad president. >> bing bing bong bong bing bing bong bong. >> whoa, what have we done? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a lot to come including we have tonight on the show never before seen footage from "batman versus superman." [ cheers and applause ] the "after oscars post show." we'll be right back with ben affleck! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: jimmy kimmel after the