tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
) thanks, everybody. please! welcome to "the late show." hello, jon! i am your host, stephen colbert. what a beautiful crowd we have here tonight. aren't you lovely people? and we've got some very special audience members tonight. they're joining us from the united states coast guard reserve, everybody. please, give them a hand over there. ( applause ) thank you so much for being here. ladies and gentlemen of the coast guard. thank you for dressing up in your dress blues. you look lovely. today is the 75th anniversary of the coast guard reserve, and i'm glad they're here so no one can smuggle drugs in a speedboat through my front row. thank you for your service. thank you for guarding our coasts. so is everybody excited for the weekend? everybody excited? ( cheers and applause
i am. are you guys going to have fun? i am completely pumped because tomorrow is the democratic primary in nevada, and the big question in vegas is, "will luck be a lady tomorrow, or will luck be a cranky old man in a rumpled suit?" and something has emerged, something has emerged just last night that is potentially damaging to hillary clinton's campaign, and it is hillary clinton-- it's true-- who has been dogged by questions trustworthiness, and here she is yesterday with our good friend scott pelley. you know in 1976, jimmy carter famously said, "i will not lie to you." >> well, i will tell you, i have tried in every way i know how, literally from my years as a young lawyer, all the way through my time as secretary of state to level with the american people. >> some people are going to call that wiggle room that you gave yourself there. >> well, no.
never lie to you." >> you know, you're asking me to say, "have i ever?" i don't believe i ever have. i don't believe i ever have. i don't believe i ever will. i am going to do the best i can to level with the american people. >> stephen: how can you be this bad at it? just say no! just say no! ( laughter ) you're running for president of the united states! even-- even richard nixon knew to say, "i am not a crook." he didn't say, "it has always been my intention, as far as i believe, i will do the best i can to not be a crook." "will you lie?" is the home run of campaign questions. you just say no and then touch all the bases. these are not advanced communication skills. any child knows how to answer that question.
actual child. come on out here, billy. ( cheers and applause ) hey, this is billy, everybody. say hi to billy. hey, billy, thanks for being here, nice to see you again. now, earlier today billy, did you throw this ball through my window? >> no. >> stephen: really? >> i would never lie to you. >> stephen: okay, i believe you. >> great. can i have my ball back? >> stephen: there you go. okay. billy, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) it's not hard. just do that. just do that. okay? even the orange cap would be cute. and speaking of not lying folks, i cannot lie, we have a great show for you tonight. >> jon: we do! we do! >> stephen: that is how you slide into a segue. first, i will sit down with comedian chelsea handler, ladies and gentlemen.
one of the stars of hbo's "girls," zosia mamet. and we will have a musical performance from the lumineers. that sound, that's lovely. ( band playing ) that sound is the one made by jon batiste and stay human. give them a salute, everybody. say hi! ( applause ) they're about to kick us off, but before they do, one more thing: yahoo! is reportedly for sale. don't believe me? google it. >> tonight, stephen welcomes chelsea handler. star of "girls," zosia mamet. and a musical performance by the lumineers.
human. and now it's time for "the late cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! now, jon, jon. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. now, those of you who watch the show frequently and love the band like i do might notice, jon, you have a guest. >> we have maude arnold on the taps, y'all! ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us so much.
) folks, as i said before, it's friday, and as you know every friday we set up hypothetical battles between any two things, any two nouns. it could be anything: like pancake versus waffle. ariana grande versus mocacchino grande, or the jersey boys versus the california raisins, then we post those mashups on twitter and you the people decide the victor. so get your game thumbs on because it's time for... >> audience: "friday night fights!" >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights!" everybody. before we get to tonight's matchup, it's time for last week's results. our guest commentator was dot com darling arianna huffington, who couldn't join us tonight because she's busy in huffpo
other than nip. our first fight pitted mozart with a magic flute against beethoven with a machete. arianna put her euros on mozart. i backed beethoven, who took it with a commanding 60% of the vote! i won, everybody. ( applause ) i've always said , i've always said it: never bring a flute to a machete fight, a saying that finally makes sense. then we asked what brought you more joy, seeing a photo of your coworker's baby or not getting charged for the extra guac on your burrito? mama arianna put her bets on baby, but 86% of america jumped on my free guac bus. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. guac came out on top! then also came out of the sides when you took a bite. takeaway: i won both match-ups! i don't want to gloat, but i do wish arianna was here so i could not want to gloat right to her face.
fighter du jour. he's a comedian, an actor, a writer, a "daily show" contributor. get ready for the hodg-man, the hodg-myth, the hodg-legend, john hodgman! ( cheers and applause ) john, thanks so much. thanks for being here. good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: john, you're a brave man for being here. so many good men have fallen before you. tell me, what are you doing with your time these days? you have a podded cast, i understand. >> it's perfect i should be here because i host the "judge john hodgman podcast." people call in with disputes and i tell them who is right and who is wrong. >> stephen: are you ready to be wrong? >> i am ready to be right. >> stephen: first up, it's a classic mythical matchup that has been debated for centuries: bigfoot versus the tooth fairy.
tape. coming in at 10'2", 1,500 pounds, with a shoe size of big, this hairy hermit's natural habitat is grainy footage. his strengths include being a tower of muscle and hair, a personal monster truck, and the confidence that comes with what big feet is a sure sign of. weaknesses include full-body split ends, beef jerky, and usually turns out to be a dead bear. impressive, but he'll have to sasq-watch his back, because he's going up against the tooth fairy, coming in at 0'7" and a solid two pounds, including a roll of quarters, this benevolent imp hails from the dreams of sleeping children everywhere. strengths include the power of flight, stealthy enough to lift a pillow without waking a sleeping child, and a shillelagh encrusted with razor-sharp baby teeth. weaknesses include a shimmering sparkly outfit that makes it
model. >> stephen, i pick the tooth because you have bigfoot all wrong. it's not some chewbacca, it's a story not real life. in real life, big foot is a wimp. >> stephen: what? >> absolutely. >> stephen: what are you talking about? >> in all cultures in all legends of bigfoot, whether you call him bigfoot, yeti, sasquatch, honey island swamp monster, florida skunk ape, or his given name, craig bigfoot, he is always described as a shy, retiring creature, afraid of confrontation who just wants to be left alone. you put a v-neck on bigfoot, you have jeb bush. >> stephen: jeb's making a comeback. jeb's making a comeback, alright. think about the tooth fairy. the tooth fairy is only seven inches tall. he has one weapon against her, and it's very large. it's his foot. he steps on her, she's dead, okay? she's only the length of a piece of beef jerky. and he will snap off her head like biting into slim jim. it's over,
small and magical and everybody loves her because she comes into your room at night and takes a disgusting piece of your body that has fallen out of your head and gives you money. >> stephen: that's exactly right. >> but nobody asks "why?" nobody asks why, what's her agenda? why has she been sneaking into our children's room night after night taking samples of their d.n.a.? >> stephen: i'm sorry, what, what? >> you know what i'm talking about. >> when the tooth fairy goes against bigfoot it's like "you and what army?" and the tooth fairy is like "me and a clone of every human child that has lived." >> stephen: you're living in a fantasy world! you're living in a fantasy world. alright, now it's up for to you decide. let's take it to twitter. you can vote right now, who would win in a fight, bigfoot or the tooth fairy. polls are open. i thought there was more to say there, but there's no more to say there. it's time for our next round are you ready for this? >> i am ready >> stephen: are you okay?
>> stephen: i've jacked you back into your beard. are you ready to do this. >> my beard can take it, stephen. >> stephen: who would win in a fight: an apple genius with a switchblade or a walmart greeter with a crossbow? let's go to the tale of the tape. we'll start with the apple genius. he comes in at 5'8", 157 pounds, boasting an unused comp lit degree, his battle armor is a blue t-shirt, one of those dangly i.d.s, and an impenetrable layer of condescension. plus, he comes armed with a six- inch switchblade. he's already charged you $80 for earbuds, so he knows how to gouge. and he just spent last six hours trying to explain the cloud to your mom, so he's in a killing rage. this genius' weaknesses include having to stop constantly for ios updates and not being an actual genius. very impressive, but don't underestimate his opponent: a walmart greeter with a crossbow.
5'11" in his prime. and weighing in at 150 pounds. including a fully loaded pill container. this friendly fellow is known for his warm demeanor and nipple-high belt. strengths include knowing the value of a dollar and what it was like in his day, not to mention his aluminum recurve crossbow with quick-detach quiver and carbide steel bolts, able to silently take down any animal. plus, he saw some messed-up stuff in korea. weaknesses include-- weakness. okay, john, apple genius with a switchblade versus walmart greeter with a crossbow. who do you like in this customer service smackdown? >> well, you know, i really should recuse myself from this one. as you know, i starred in a long series of ads for apple computer. i love apple products. i love the stores. i still-- ( applause ) excuse me. i still have the glasses and the suit and i'm ready to start work again as soon as possible. ( cheers and applause ) but i have to go with that walmart greater with the
how is that possible? >> that's because it's a range weapon. it's literally not close. he's going to shoot that apple dude from yards away before he gets near him. >> stephen: the crossbow has a 100-yard range, but the walmart greeter has the vision range of, like, eight yards. he is never going to even see him. >> ageism. >> stephen: what? >> ageism. >> stephen: it's the truth, man. even if he gets a lucky shot off, the apple guy has an iphone six-pluses over his heart, it ricochets off. nothing can destroy those things unless you drop them from the height of a coffee table. okay? >> low blow, low blow. >> stephen: that's it. >> doesn't matter. even if the greater misfires, hits the apple genius right in the skinny jeans, greeter walks over, pulls the bolt out of his leg, gets him right through the eye cavity into his brain hole, what i call his genius hole. and then he bleeds out. >> stephen: that is-- that is-- that is a disgusting image.
i don't like to think about violence. you know who else doesn't? apple-store employees. these are urban, urbane, educated technological utopians, little beanies. they don't want to fight. you know what? do i trust them to give me a seminar in "garage band"? sure. do i trust them with my back in a knife fight? no, this is not "fruit ninja," okay? this is real life. >> stephen: you're underestimating apple geniuses. here's what the apple genius does: he's got backup. he uses siri, okay? he says "siri, give me how to >> i see a flaw. >> stephen: you see a flaw? >> i do. >> stephen: you see this? and siri thinks he says crosby, and it starts playing crosby, stills and nash's "teach your children well." ( laughter ) >> yes. >> stephen: the old guy starts crying because he's reminded when he was younger and had a lover san francisco who left him and he's got children out there
while the old guy is crying, the apple genius guy comes up with his lanyard and strangles him. game over! game over! ( cheers and applause ) game over! >> that is a fantastical narrative that you just spun. >> stephen: yes. >> a beautiful novel, but truly, stephen, gut check-- >> stephen: yes. >> who do you believe-- in your heart-- has the capacity for murder: an apple employee or a walmart employee? ( laughter ) >> stephen: let's let twitter decide. you can vote right now on "who would win in a fight: an apple genius with a switchblade versus a walmart greeter with a crossbow." tweet your votes today. the polls will close wednesday at midnight. get out and vote. or more accurately, stay on the couch and vote. that does it for... >> friday night fights! >> stephen: give it up for mr. john hodgman, everybody. we'll be right back with chelsea handler. ( applause
alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? (dog yawns) no, we're not having barbecue... again. (dog groans) why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why. (dog whines) sushi it is. p lease a 2016 lincoln navigator tfor $599 a month p
out on the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy the new samsung galaxy s7 and get one free. no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it. buy one water resistant samsung and right now, get up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t. how can this have been washed 12 weeks ago and still smell like springtime? unstopables in-wash scent boosters the more you pour, the more scent you'll savor. toss it in before your clothes for luxurious scent up to 12 weeks unstopables by downy. america's best scent booster. discover new magnum double raspberry. made with the perfect balance of raspberry ice cream,
my first guest tonight is a best-selling author, talk show host, and comedian. she's here to talk about her latest project, "chelsea does." >> it's so hard dating at my age. i'm busy. i work. i'm famous. i live with a lesbian. it's like my life is complete-- it's all over the map. so it's really hard for me to meet a guy. >> maybe you don't remember. >> how to find someone? >> yeah. >> or maybe it could take a long, long time to try to find someone. >> do you guys think-- and i really want your honest opinions -- do you think as a 40-year- old-- i mean, i can get up and show you my body and stuff. do you think that i am too old to get married? >> no. >> no. >> okay. and you think that i have a decent figure? >> yes. >> yes. >> thank you. i know. >> stephen: please welcome chelsea handler. (
) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you! what a lovely audience. >> stephen: you have more than a decent figure. you have a lovely figure. >> thank you. thank you for noticing. >> stephen: do you often go to seven-year-olds for validation of your sexiness? >> when i get sick and tired of hearing what the adults have to say, yes, i do. >> stephen: we have met one time before. i really enjoyed meeting you backstage at the time 100. >> yes, yes! >> stephen: where you had been named one of the 100 most influential people in the world. >> that was-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. congratulations. >> thank you. and you were-- were you the emcee? >> stephen: i was the emcee that night, exactly. i was the emcee. i was the emcee that night. >> congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. yeah. they couldn't give me-- they couldn't give me the time 100
on the list twice before. >> oh, wow! >> stephen: you'll get it a second time. you'll get it a second time. >> that's funny, i don't remember. what years were those? >> stephen: uhhh... i think 1957 and 1959. i'm a little bit older than you are. >> yeah, that's a long time ago. >> stephen: now i loved "chelsea lately." why did you stop "chelsea lately?" it was on for only seven years. >> because you had to sit-- because it was really stupid. >> stephen: but i love stupid. stupid is good. >> no, i love stupid too. but you can only talk about stupidity for so long before you actually become stupid. i mean, it was really, really hard to talk to people like that >> stephen: i wouldn't know what you're talking about. i have no idea what you're talking about. >> i mean, how do you-- how do you like it? celebrities every night? >> stephen: i do, i do. >> stephen: i don't like interviewing celebrities. i like people. you're a celebrity, but i don't care. >> right -- >> stephen: i don't. i like you as a person. you're an entertaining person. >> but you wouldn't know me if i
>> stephen: i know, thank god you are. so, i know who you are. if you were just off someplace i would miss out on you, but i haven't, thanks to hollywood. >> i would say that's thanks to god. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah, jesus christ and his savior. >> stephen: really, jesus, jesus-- wait a second. nice try. jesus christ and his-- hold on. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up! back it up! >> stephen: you just said "jesus christ and his savior." >> yeah. i'm jewish, i don't know how that goes. jesus christ -- >> stephen: well, you know, chelsea, the door is always open. the door is always open. >> jesus christ is god's son, right? >> stephen: that's exactly right. that's exactly how it works. you've caught up with the first century. >> and who is mohammed? >> stephen: mohammed is a prophet of god. >> and he? and he's friends with gandhi? >> stephen: no, i think gandhi liked him just fine. but mohammed is from the sixth
>> okay, we're getting somewhere finally. >> stephen: you're not a very religious person, i take it. >> no, n. but i've done yoga. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's close enough. now you took 18 months off after "chelsea lately." >> that was the best, the best time of my life ever. >> stephen: being off, not working? >> i grew up. i turned 40. i was a grown-up. i didn't have to go to work every day. i traveled the world. >> stephen: that's not what grown-ups do. grown-ups suck it up and go to work whether they like it or not. >> i'm back to work. back off! i mean, you are very, very aggressive! >> stephen: i'm going to baptize you in a minute. ( cheers and applause ) you'd never even know. it's like the tooth fairy. in the middle of the night i'm going to come for you. >> the church wouldn't take me. >> stephen: what? >> they would reject me. >> stephen: the sea refuses no river, chelsea.
so "chelsea does," you-- you does various things. >> what a gross-- what a gross expression. >> stephen: the sea refuses no river? >> that was so gross! >> stephen: you don't like that? >> no, i don't like it. it reminds me of other things. anyway, what were you saying? >> stephen: just talking about your show. >> oh, talking about my show. i did a docu-series. i did one on racism and silicon valley, because i'm a luddite. i didn't know anything about technology so i needed to learn more about it. i did one on drugs because i love them. and then i did one on marriage because i don't know anything about that. so i wanted to pick different topics, some that i knew a little bit about, and some i knew nothing about. how is your marriage? >> stephen: oh, it's really good. my wife is in the audience tonight, actually. >> she is? is she? oh, hi! that's so sweet! >> stephen: yeah. >> you guys are like-- you guys are like dr. phil and his wife. >> stephen: exactly. at the end of every episode i walk out, i kiss her, and we walk into the sunset. you know what we haven't done? talked about your show at all. could you stick around after the
because, i really like this documentary series and i would like to talk about it. >> let's do it. >> stephen: do you really want to? >> yeah! i'm so excited. your wife is here. that's so sweet. it really is. it's so sweet. the three of us should do something later. we'll be a thruple. >> stephen: that's really nice. you'll have to explain to me what the hell that is. we'll be right back with chelsea handler. ohhh. hey siri, set timer for fourteen minutes. ok, fourteen minutes and counting. waiting for cookies. hey siri, play me waiting playlist. thank you.
(vo) making the most out of every mile. that's why i got a subaru impreza. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with the great chelsea handler. now we were talking about your-- >> i want to interrupt you. sorry. my sisters came tonight, simone and shawna, because they really like you and they never come to anything. they don't even watch me. >> stephen: they sound like lovely people.
since it's a family night i >> are they younger or older? >> everyone is older than me. >> stephen: are you from a big family? >> i'm from a big family. not as big as your family. >> stephen: how many people are in your family? >> there was six in my family. >> stephen: that's a lot. that's a lot. >> i'm the youngest. >> stephen: yeah, me too. >> are you the youngest? >> stephen: i'm the youngest. it's fantastic, isn't it? >> stephen: they have to listen to your stories. >> and when they stop listening, >> stephen: that's exactly right. exactly. it's called being needy. applause ) okay, but you got rid of your tv show and now you have "chelsea does." but as you're saying, these are serious issues you're talking >> serious issues, but with a sense of humor. >> stephen: i know, but is this "chelsea does journalism?" like, why did you want to go learn about-- drugs. like, you drank iowaska tea, that's used in spiritual awakenings among the indigenous >> yes. >> stephen: how did that work out? >> you hallucinate. well, the first time it didn't hit me. >> stephen: with iowaska or pretty much anything?
know, the pills, street drugs, anything. and the second night i had to go alone with the shaman and do it again without-- >> stephen: honest to god? you're like with a shaman or on a fire or-- what are you doing? >> there's not a fire, no, but there's a brew-- >> stephen: don't talk like that was a crazy thing to ask! "there's not a fire!" i mean it's a shaman, not a witch doctor! >> don't be so stupid. don't you know anything about drugs? there was no fire. it wasn't a crack house. ( laughter ) so they put this brew in and they brew this tea with these leaves-- >> stephen: what is iowaska? >> it's like a tree root. it's got d.m.t. in it. and you vomit. >> stephen: sign me up! >> yeah. and you purge. they call it purging and you hallucinations about your childhood. it's very, very vivid, like, vivid imagery. >> stephen: and is that good? i mean, did you get something from it? >> yeah, i mean i had forgotten they loved my sister. laughter ) >> so i told her right away. i was like, "hey, girl, love you again! racism. >> yes.
talked to some people from my home state of south carolina, who say that, well, slavery wasn't that bad. did you freak out on them when they said that? like, what was your reaction? how did you control yourself? >> this was for me-- these documentaries were an exercise in restraint. i wanted to do something that i knew nothing about. i wanted to be out of my comfort zone. i wanted-- >> stephen: and you knew nothing about racism? where did you grow up? >> i knew nothing about documentaries. but what you think you know about racism, you don't know until you go to the south. because i always had an idea that everybody who is racist is some hillbilly that lives in the south with one tooth and, you to-- until whenever he passes out. but i actually met a lot of people that were intellectuals that were racists, that, you know, had a college education, that-- i mean-- >> stephen: some of them are running for president. ( laughter cheers and applause ) >> you're welcome. >> stephen: thank you very much.
i love politics. yeah, i want to talk about politics. >> stephen: like now, or like in general in your life? >> just, like, later. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm afraid that's all we have time for, chelsea. >> stephen: thank you so much >> it was great to be here. thank you for having me. spend some time with you. >> stephen: it was lovely to meet your sister. >> and it was lovely to meet your wife and your wife's friends. hello, friends, hello, wife. this is like a family reunion. it's like we're a bunch of mormons, all our big families. ( laughter ) >> stephen: people can stream this now? >> yes, it's available on netflix right now! >> stephen: "chelsea does" is available on netflix right now. chelsea handler, everybody. thanks so much. ( applause
alright, it's ford truck month. this is the time, this is the place. and this is ford f-150. with a high-strength, military grade aluminum-alloy body... it's up to 700 pounds lighter than before, so you can tow more of this... haul more of that. and f-150 is the winner of a 2016 kelley blue book five-year cost-to-own award. which will save you lots of this. this is the time. now, get 0% financing for 60 months, plus $1,800 cash back on a 2015 f-150. see your local
bend me shape me, any way you want me. as long as you love me, it's alright. shape the best sleep of your life. sleep number beds with sleepiq technology adjust any way you want it. the bed that moves you. only at a sleep number store. ( applause >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, my parents always told me to never talk politics at the dinner table, which is why i don't have a dinner table out here. ( laughter ) and we've still got nine months until the election. but between now and then, those brave candidates have a long, strange trip full of unexpected dangers.
house." cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that opening graphic was based on a true story. now, on the republican side, tomorrow, all eyes are on my home state of south carolina. and i encourage all palmetto state republicans to go out and vote. you can have an important voice in who i'll be making jokes about for the next four years. i think you know who my choice is. and this is still anybody's race. believe it or not, the hottest thing on social media right now is current presidential candidate and future co-op board treasurer, jeb bush. jeb knows he really needs to win south carolina, so he's bringing out the big guns, by which i mean tweeting this photo of an actual gun, with his name
jeb is either reaching out to gun owners, or he's going to camp and his mom wrote his name on everything. and, the stakes could not be higher for senator marco rubio. in iowa, he stormed into third place. in new hampshire, he thundered into fifth place. and now he is surging towards his-- other people's money into this new ad. >> it's morning again in america. today more men and women are out of work than ever before in our nation's history. people paying more in taxes than they will for food, housing, and clothing combined. it's morning again in america, and under the leadership of barack obama and hillary clinton, our country is more vulnerable, divided and diminished than ever before. >> stephen: yes, an uplifting message of hope. it's morning in america. but you've got no job, isis is going to kill us all, so grab a
back into bed. just put a nipple on it. and i am sure this ad will boost the senator, because it provides a hopeful vision for america, the greatest country on earth! except for maybe the one you're seeing in this ad, which uses stock footage of canada. yes, it turns out that skyline is vancouver and that american tugboat of optimism has a canadian flag on the back. maybe it's trying to tug vancouver into the united states! the point is, ladies and gentlemen, that regardless of the footage, i believe this ad speaks to all americans, as surely as the eagle soars, marco rubio is as american as
) he will strengthen our armed forces. he will secure our vulnerable southern border, bring back good american jobs, fix our educational system, and make this country great again. because it's morning in america. vote rubio. you won't be sorry. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with zosia mamet. this is shaving. a blade. many blades. sharp blades. blades here, blades there. some more over there... whoa! that's not another blade. this is shielding. with lubrication here and here. the new gillette with proshield lubrication before and after the blades shields from irritation for a
the new proshield from gillette. the best a man can get. and one proshield refill gets you up to one month of shaves. crunchy is bold. crispety, crunchety is bolder than bold... but crispety, crunchety and peanut-buttery? that's bolder, than bolder, than bolder, than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger mom, who is that?
these dresses are fantastic. they're old navy. thanks. old navy?! it's up to 50% off throughout the store. oh i have to go, to old navy right now. yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state. tt0w!tx#hg!!%4 (.g\ tt0w!tx#hg!!el ($@0
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest plays the neurotic, fast-talking shoshanna on the hit show "girls." >> now, that looks great and is ready for some bridesmaidy action. by the way, living in japan has made me so effing good at folding, steaming, pressing, et cetera. my friend said i'm a natural and can compete with the rest of them. they have a reality tv called, "fold, fold, press." >> stephen: please welcome zosia
cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: "girls" season five premieres on hbo this sunday at 10 p.m. congratulations on season five. >> thank you. >> stephen: how does it feel to be part of an honest-to-god cultural artifact? it has been called one of the it's like to be a woman in her 20s today. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you-- you? >> you would know. that. it's on the card. >> it's on the card, i got it. >> stephen: do you love finding out what happens to the character or do you dread it? is it predictive of your life in any way? >> no, shoshanna and i are incredibly different.
that they dress. i bought a brush, like a year ago for the first time. ( laughter ) yeah, i love finding it out. i-- we did press the other day for "girls," and they were asking about, like, if we try to imagine what's going to happen to our characters? but it's so above and beyond what i could ever imagine, so i always just show up at the table read like, "what's going to happen? let's see! oh, wow, that's crazy!" >> stephen: now, the girls, they do engage in the physical contact in a sexual nature. >> yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: to keep it light-- it's cbs. when you look-- do you skim-- are you dreading that or going like, "that will be fun?" when you look in the script, is it comfortable to see that in the script, like, "what am i going to have to do here?" >> it's not like jumping-- it's not like naked people are coming out of my pages at me. >> stephen: i know, but i've never-- >> oh, my god! >> stephen: i've never done a sex scene. i've never done a sex scene. >> really! oh, my god. >> stephen: no, i've done the sex, but i've never done the sex
) >> so you've done-- yeah. you've done -- >> stephen: i guess what i'm asking, if i saw that in a script, i would be like, "oh, my god. what's that going to be like?" >> yeah, well it's kind of like the sex, except it's pretend. so it's, like, pretend-- it's pretend sex. >> stephen: uh-huh. i did that for-- i did that for years before i met a woman. >> did you? so you know! >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so you know. you just didn't read it first. you just read it in your mind. >> stephen: exactly. >> it was like the script played in your mind. it was like, "and then he goes to the dresser--" and i don't know why you're going to the dresser, but like-- >> stephen: i don't know, but i can't wait to read the rest of the script. dresser. >> stephen: your character moved to japan. >> yeah. >> stephen: "a," why japan? and did you shoot in japan? >> well, my character gets a job there. and she's having a very hard
but then the japanese are like, "hey, come here and work." and she's like, "all right, great." >> stephen: is there a lot of japanese jobs for girls in their 20s? >> there's a huge-- you would be surprised. you would be very surprised. >> stephen: did you learn japanese? >> i learned tiny bits of japanese. >> stephen: anything left? you got anything left over? >> jenni konner reminded of this word when we were doing press the other day. it means cute. it's sort of a slang term like oh, kawaii. >> stephen: kawaii? >> yes, it means cute. it's like slang, cute. >> stephen: (speaking japanese ) >> are you trying to make me look bad? what was that? you just set me up. >> stephen: everything i know that's in japanese i learned from james clavell's "shogun." that's it. miniseries, that's all i know. >> i'm out. >> stephen: that's it, i've got nothing left. >> if you hadn't said that, i would think the man speaks fluent japanese. >> stephen: well in that case, i'll edit out where i said, "i don't know how to speak
to speak japanese. >> you should really keep that going. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, why not? >> stephen: that would be a great rumor. >> great rumor. >> stephen: would you like any rumors spread about you? you know what i hear? >> what? >> stephen: i hear that, like, when he was younger, you and beck used to play squash together. >> no, it wasn't squash. it's that other thing that squash is like-- >> racquetball? >> no, no, no. >> stephen: handball? >> badminton. >> stephen: oh, badminton. yeah, that's what it was. when he was working on "odelay", you used to play badminton every day, and that's why it's a picture of a dog jumping-- >> i don't know if i would call it playing. no, it was more like we experienced badminton together. >> stephen: that is on a level of hipness i don't know. >> you know what i mean? >> stephen: no. >> yeah, me either. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. congratulations. >> thank you for having me! >> stephen: the fifth season of "girls" returns to hbo this sunday at 10:00. zosia mamet, everybody!
brandon thinks hellmann's is heaven in a jar. that's because our ingredients come from... farmers committed to responsibly sourced oils... blended with ingredients like cage-free eggs. mmm. heaven. real ingredients. that's how we're working to bring out the best. our clothes can stretch out in the wash, ruining them forever. protect your clothes from stretching, fading, and fuzz. ...with downy fabric conditioner... it helps protect clothes from the damage of the wash. so your favorite clothes stay your favorite clothes. downy fabric conditioner. wash in the wow.
friends. tonight, i present to you a very special bottle. it's a nice, robust italian. vine-ripened tomatoes. i cannot wait. let's let it breathe. introducing classico riserva. extra virgin olive oil, vine-ripened tomatoes, a hint of basil. classico riserva uses only fresh, simple ingredients. new classico riserva. open a bottle of the good stuff. anyone else care to smell the lid? hmmm. you know we said we'd take a look at our retirement plan today. not now! i'm cleaning the oven! yeah, i'm cleaning the gutters! washing the dog! washing the cat! well i'm learning snapchamp! chat. chat! changing the oil... (vo) it's surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. pressure-washing the... roses. aerating the lawn! (vo) but with nationwide it's no big deal. okay, your retirement plan is all set. nationwide? awesome. nice neighborhood.
don't feel no remorse and you can't see past my blindness oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love i, i got a little paycheck you got big plans and you gotta move and i don't feel nothing at all and you can't feel nothing small honey, i love you that's all she wrote
you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the lumineers' new album, "cleopatra," is out april 8, the lumineers, everybody! we'll be right back.