tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 9, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: thank you very much. p[ cheers and applause ] p p>> jimmy: hi, everybody. pi'm jimmy. pi'm the host of the show. pthank you for watching. pthanks for coming. p[ cheers and applause ] pi hope you're ready to party. pi really do. phey, you know, tonight is mardi pgras. pit's a big night of celebration. pmardi means tuesday in french. pgras means fat. pit is fat tuesday in new orleans pright now. peverybody is drunk. peven the babies. pnobody gets a pass on mardi pgras. pit's an interesting day in pamerica today because we're pvoting for candidates for resident in one state and pflashing our nipples in another pstate. p[ laughter ] pin new hampshire today the first pofficial primary of the election pseason, and they had a bit of pfat tuesday action themselves.
pit escaped from a local farm. pit made its way to a polling plocation. pa school in pelham, new phampshire. pit took the police about an hour pto round the pig up. p[ laughter ] pthis officer appeared to be pdoing some kind of a square pdance with the animal. pswing your partner do-si-do. pthey got in touch with the powner. pwatch this pig tormenting the olice. p[ laughter ] pthe owner came, stuffed it in pthe back seat of his kia psorrento and the pig is safe pback home on his farm. pand month, the pig did not wind pup at the polling place because phe was being chased by chris pchristie. pthat is a rumor. pand shame on you guys for even pthinking that was true. p[ laughter ] pthis is the -- this is the p10th -- the 100th anniversary of pthe new hampshire primary. pthey've been doing this, this rimary in new hampshire since pbernie sanders was 5 years old, p[ laughter ] pbernie sanders and donald trump pwere the winners tonight.
pi think people are confused. pyou realize i made those jokes pbecause chris christie is fat pand bernie sanders is old, pright? p[ laughter ] poh, okay, you -- i wasn't clear. panyway. pbernie is very popular in new phampshire. phillary clinton today spent the pwhole day quietly googling the pwords life expectancy for old pman in snowy weather. p[ laughter ] pthere was quite a bit of snow in pnew hampshire. pbut the candidates, they didn't plet that get them down. pjeb bush and john kasich had pfun. phere's jeb throwing snowballs. phere's kasich throwing psnowballs. pthose snowballs, they're pthrowing, those are the ones pthat don't have a chance in hell pin this election. p[ laughter ] pjeb pulled out the big gun. phe had his mother barbara out pcampaigning for him this week. pthey did a bunch of interviews ptogether. pwhich really was funny to see. pjeb sitting there being pinterviewed next to his mom, it plooked like a parent-teacher pconference. p[ laughter ] pand jeb's brother george is itching in too. pgeorge bush narrated an ad that pran during the super bowl in new phampshire and south carolina
pwhy we should all be on team pjeb. p>> america needs help. arents can't put food on their pfamilies, and our children still pisn't learning. pi know jeb. pi know his good heart. pit's inside his body. pnext to other things like his pstomach. pwhich is where his snacks go. pi know that. pand i know that experience and pjudgment count in the oval poffice, which is the room where pthe president works at his desk. pthat's where my little brother pwould work if he were president. pwhich don't bet on it but don't pmisunderestimate jeb either. phe's got a cute little wife, and phe's a good little guy. pand he knows how to open doors pfor america. p[ laughter ] pjeb bush. p[ applause ] p>> jimmy: nice. pyou know, bernie sanders may be
pfrom an energy standpoint he's pwearing some of his supporters pin new hampshire out. pa guy passed out in front of him pat a rally in concord on pwednesday. pand yesterday at a rally in pderry a woman went down for the pcount. p>> whatever the issue may be, pwhat i will tell you is there is pone issue out there -- p>> jimmy: that was quite a preaction. palmost krameresque. plet's look at that again. p>> one issue out there -- p>> jimmy: like a mad scientist. p[ laughter ] pat least we know he's cool in ptime of crisis. p[ laughter ] plet's watch that one more time pbut in slow motion and this time pin reverse. phere he comes. p[ laughter ] plike scooby doo saw a ghost.
pmeanwhile, kanye west is not pcurrently running for president pbut he should. pat this point he might as well pbecause, well, last night on ptwitter kanye announced that phe's changing the title of his ptime. pfirst he announced it was called p"so help me god." pthen he changed it to "switch." pthen he changed it from "swish pto "waves." pand now he changed it again. pkanye changes the name of his palbums as often as diddy changes pthe name of his name. p[ laughter ] plast night he tweeted this. phe said that's the new album, panybody who can figure out the ptitle gets ticket to season 3 pand free yeezies, which are his pshoes. pand this is the mysterious pacronym. pat studio final versus new album ptitle t period l period o period psought p so the initials are t.l.o.p. pand we have to figure out what pthat stands for and if we do pwe'll win. pout. pcan i get a drum roll here? p[ drum roll ] pyes, thank you.
pstands for tommy lasorda p[ cheers and applause ] pthank you. psize 11. pby the way, kanye also tweeted pthis about an hour ago. pbill cosby innocent. p[ laughter ] pwhich to me is a terrible name pit is. pvalentine's day is on sunday. pthat means the price of roses is pabout to go way up. pvalentine's day is the only pholiday where a plant suddenly pbecomes astronomically expensive pand we're okay with it. pit would be like if on easter pthey charged $20 an egg. p[ laughter ] pthe florida retail federation psays this year consumers will pspend an average of $147 on pflowers, chocolate, jewelry and pother valentine's stuff. pand that's in florida. pso you can imagine how much pthey'll spend in normal states. p[ laughter ] psomebody did a study about the psex lives of married people. pthey concluded that the happiest
pfour times a month. pwhich it seems a little bit low, pright? pso i thought it would be fun to pask some couples here wandering paround on hollywood boulevard phow, you know -- what their pnumber is. pwell, let's go outside to my pcousin sal now. pnow, sal and i -- my cousin sal. p>> how are you doing in p>> jimmy: we have a friend pwho've been married more than pten years. phe claims he and his wife have psex -- how often did he say, psam? p>> jimmy: yeah. p>> he said four times a week. p>> jimmy: four times a week pwhich is 16 times a month, which pi think you should go to prison pfor that, right? p[ laughter ] p>> i don't believe him. phe's already got six kids and phe's balding worse than i am. p>> jimmy: well, again, we pshouldn't mention his name. pyou already did. panyway, let's bring in our first pcouple. pthis couple has no idea what i'm pgoing to ask them. pthey've just been asked to stop pand answer a question. pokay. pwhere are they? pokay. pthere we are. phi. pwhat's your name?
pkaren pierce. p>> and husband rob. p>> jimmy: i'm sorry, what was p>> rob. p>> jimmy: where are you from in. p>> jimmy: wow. pare you on vacation? p>> yes. p>> jimmy: have you been robbed pyet? p>> hopefully not. p>> jimmy: hopefully not. pyes. phow long have you been together? pmay i ask? p>> we've been married 15 years. psweethearts. pso dated five years before that. p>> jimmy: oh, wow. p[ cheers and applause ] pso you guys are probably really psick of each other's bodies, p[ laughter ] pi'm going to ask you a question. pdon't answer it aloud. pi want you to write the answer pdown. pwe're going goif you a paper. plet's put new position sow can't psee each other's answers. pdon't reveal your answer until i pask you to, okay? pall right. pthe question is how many times er month on average do you have pall right? pjust go ahead and write it down.
pjust -- okay. pfigure tout. pso karen's writing -- looks like pthree digits, karen is writing. p[ laughter ] prob, what are you up to? pkaren, are you drawing a diagram pof how you do it? p[ laughter ] pall right. pwe're going to start with rob. prob, show us your number. prob says five. pall right. p[ applause ] pall right. pthank you. pguys, cousin sal has a lovely pgift for you. pcousin sal, what do you have? p>> yes. pi have undies for two. p>> jimmy: that's nice. pyou can wear those on the plane pnice to meet you guys. plet's bring in one more couple pand see what's going on. plistening in. pthey don't know. pyou guys didn't hear -- oh, you pdon't have headphones are. pnow. pbe very careful. pwhat's your name? p>> theresa. p>> jimmy: hi, theresa. p>> fine, and you?
p>> it better be. pdavid. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: david and theresa. pnow, did you guys intentionally pwear the same shirt today or was pthat an accident? p>> accident. p>> jimmy: an accident. pwow. phow about that? pyou wound up on tv. p[ laughter ] phow long have you been married? p>> seven years. p>> jimmy: seven years. pand it's been good, i assume? pyou're still vacationing ptogether. p>> yes. p>> jimmy: where are you from? p>> cincinnati. p>> jimmy: cincinnati, ohio. phence the red, i guess. pokay. pi'm going to ask you a question. pwe're going to put you in a osition where you can't see peach other's answers on either pside of that wall. pdon't answer it aloud. pi'd just like you to write the panswer down. pbe honest. pand the question is how many ptimes per month on average do pyou have sex? pokay? p[ laughter ] ptheresa is writing her number. pdavid is writing his. pall right. ptheresa's now changing her pnumber.
ptheresa, i meant with david, pokay? pso -- p[ laughter ] phi, guys. poh, they're look at your number pwith envy. pall right. ptheresa, show us your number. pyour number is? pfive. pwhat was the original thing? pa drawing of the planet? p[ laughter ] p>> she had a zero originally. p>> jimmy: oh, really? pfive. pall right. pand david, your number is? p>> boy. p>> jimmy: 12? p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> it's okay. p>> jimmy: i have very bad news. pdavid is cheating on you. p[ laughter ] pwait a minute. pone of you can't count is what's phappening here. p[ laughter ] pthat's quite a discrepancy. pdavid, are you counting your palone time here or what? p[ laughter ] p>> could be. p>> jimmy: it might be. pall right. pwell, we do have a gift for you. p>> condoms for you. phere's a couple.
pand? p>> here's a basket of stuff. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: thank you. pthere you go. pthanks for playing. pwe're going to take a break. pwhen we come back, we have psomething very special. pour old pal jake byrd popped up pat a donald trump rally in new phampshire last night. pnow, if europe not familiar with pjake byrd, he is the guy you pwill see behind donald trump in pthis clip. p>> by the way, can you see in pthe back in they have the best pview. pcan you see it's really my hair? p>> yeah! pyeah! p>> jimmy: all right. pso when we come back, jake byrd ptakes new hampshire by storm. pso stick around. pwe'll be right back. p there has to be a way. carry the centimeter, divide by 3.14 something something something... [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad! and now the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. is that a true story? yeah! people really do save
when they switch. i mean about you inventing it. i invented the story, and isn't that what really matters? so... what else about me? what happens when lobster gets grilled, baked, and paired with even more lobster? you get hungry. and you count the seconds until red lobster's lobsterfest is back with the largest variety of lobster dishes of the year. like new dueling lobster tails with one tail stuffed with crab, and the other with langostino lobster mac-and-cheese, it's a party on a plate! and you know every bite of 'lobster lover's dream' lives up to its name. hey, eating is believing. so stop dreaming and start eating. drake: you used to call me onp my cellphone rcut, cut, roll out, cut. vperfect! r here are the changes. ti love changes. when you say, call me on myp cellphone just add, device eligible forp upgrade after 24 months. vgenius! you know what also, you need to include, that streaming musicpwill incur data charges.
p>> jimmy: welcome back to the pshow. palicia vikander and music from pnothing but thieves is on the pway. p[ cheers and applause ] pfirst the eyes of the nation pwere on new hampshire today pbecause of the primary election. pthey had a caucus in iowa, a rimary in new hampshire, and pthen they'll move on i guess to psome of the states where people plive next. pit is a big deal for the pcandidates. peven though the winner in new phampshire doesn't necessarily go pon to win the nomination. pyou know who won the new phampshire primary last time paround? pwhat's his name? pfrom -- mike "the situation" pfrom "jersey shore." p[ laughter ] pbut all the candidates are pthere. ptheir boots are on the ground. pand so is our pal jake byrd, pwho's a very passionate donald ptrump supporter. pjake spreads trumpthusiasm peverywhere he goes. pmaybe you recall seeing him back pin september at the trump rally pin dallas. p>> trump! ptrump! ptrump! ptrump! p>> don't forget. pi love this these people back phere. p>> and we love you!
pwe love you, donald j.! p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: you can see they love peach other. pit's a beautiful thing. pyesterday jake braved the pelements to file this special preport from a donald trump rally pon the eve of the primaries in p3w4r p p>> i think trump is the person pwho will go to washington and pactually get things done. phe'll hire good people to be in pgood positions then hold them paccountable for these positions. p>> he's going to get us jobs. pworking again. pi'm going to get hired back no pmatter how many times i assault pthey have to. pdonald trump says i do. p>> and my -- p>> i love your old-fashioned proot beer. p[ laughter ] p>> i don't sell root beer. pbut that's fine. p>> a country without borders pisn't really a country, is it? p>> this guy told me a great pjoke. phe said hey, bernie, it's new phampshire, not jew hampshire. p[ laughter ] ptoo much.
ptoo much. p>> it's like live free or die. pit's live trump or die. p>> we're so disorganized. pwe've done about 100 of these -- p>> still don't know what you're pdoing. p>> we know what we're doing. peverybody needs to -- p>> so you're a voblt. pyou p volunteer. pyou work at the campaign? p>> yeah. p>> and it's so disorganized. p>> it's a house of cards. pi don't want to say that. p>> no, that's fine. phouse of cards like the netflix pshow. pare you going to throw someone pon the train tracks like that pguy? p>> this is the number one pcampaign in the country. pwe're the [ bleep ] -- p p>> i just want to tell you. pif she has the baby tonight in pnew hampshire, that guarantees pvictory tomorrow. ptonight. p>> have the baby! phave the baby! p>> we're going to bring peducation back locally. pno more common core. p>> i don't know what that is. p[ laughter ]
eople dying on the streets. pwe're going to get them into a phospital and take care of pthem -- p>> and die there. p[ laughter ] pin a hospital. pin the hospital. p>> and we're going to build pourselves so strong -- nobody. pi'm telling you. pwe don't want to use it. p>> nobody's going to play with p[ laughter ] pno play dates! pno play dates! p>> walls work. pwalls work. pi mean, serious walls. pi mean trump walls. p>> trump walls! pthe best walls! pdtf! pdonald trump forever! pdtf! pdonald trump forever! pdtf! pdonald trump forever! pwall? p>> mexico! p[ laughter ] p>> some people -- she just said pa terrible thing. pyou know what she said? pshout it out because i don't pwant to --
p>> she said he's a [ bleep ]. p>> whoa! p[ laughter ] planguage! psaucy language! pwow. pwow! p>> if you're going to get hurt pand if you're going to drive plike a maniac, do it tomorrow pafter you vote. pand i promise i will come and pvisit you in the hospital. p>> you promise? p[ laughter ] pyou better! pi'm going to wreck my car right pnow. p>> thank you very much, new phampshire. pthank you. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> right now personally for me phow i feel personally right now pfor me personally, the biggest pthreat i'm facing is finding a pbus back to the hospital in the psnow. pyou know?
p>> he'll stand up to isis! pcome on, let's stump for trump! p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: unfortunate ending. pbut thank you, jake byrd, peverybody. p>> i'm still freezing! p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: i'm sorry. pwe have music tonight from pnothing but thieves. palicia vikander is here. pwe'll be right back with bill pmaher. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> announcer: portions of "jimmy pkimmel live" are brought to you pby mountain dew kickstart. pthree awesome things combined. t to prove it, r by popping a sim card into my phone. now it's a straight talk phone. and network for half the cost. toward your college fund.
invisibility, now! your phone, your network, half the cost. unlimited talk, text, and data is just $45 a month. find out more at straighttalkbyop.com. what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like there better be some what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads
p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: hi there. pwelcome back. ptonight, she is an oscar nominee pdanish girl." pshe is nominated for best psupporting actress, palicia vikander is here. p[ cheers and applause ] pthen, all the way from essex, pwhich is all the way in england, pthis is their self-titled album. pit's called "nothing but pthieves," from the samsung pstage. p[ cheers and applause ] ptomorrow night we'll have a good pshow.
pand we'll have music from mana. pjoin us then. pit doesn't matter if you're prepublican or democrat, resident or pope, if our first pguest doesn't like what you're pup to, he will make sure you pknow it. phe's the host of "real time with pbill maher," which you can watch pfriday nights on hbo and you can psee him live at the mirage in plas vegas march 12th and 13th. lease welcome bill maher. p[ cheers and applause ] p p thank you for being here. pi know this is an important pnight for you. p>> it's an important night for pyou. p>> jimmy: why? p>> because you're on and i'm pnot. pi'm not working tonight. pi'm here. pbecause you are my favorite talk pshow on the west coast. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: thank you. pyou're the only talk show on the
p>> you're the only tack show on pthe west coast. p>> jimmy: are you all right? p>> why, what did you hear? p>> jimmy: you got surfing or psomething. pright? p>> who told you that? pone of your show business pcronies. p>> jimmy: your publicist told pus. pbill can't come. phe got hit in the face way psurfboard. p[ laughter ] pis that not true? p>> that's not true. pi went to hawaii. pthis year i brought david spade pand jeff ross. pwe had a fabulous time. peddie vedder performed with us. pit was really fun. p>> jimmy: nice. p>> thanks. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: don't address him. p>> i'm from new jersey. p[ applause ] pchris christie fans? p[ laughter ] pand you know, sometimes the wave pface planted me. pand yes, my face was too p[ bleep ] to appear. p[ laughter ] phappy you got that out of me? p>> jimmy: yeah. p>> i love we can say that now. premember when we started in show pbusiness you couldn't swear. pnow they just bleep it out. p>> jimmy: yeah.
pwere so hung up about. pi think because now everybody's pcursing on every other channel. p>> trump. p>> jimmy: you think it was ptrump? p>> no, i -- p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: oh. p>> no, but he's running for resident and he says [ bleep ] p[ bleep ]. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: it's crazy. p>> it is crazy. p>> jimmy: do you like that or do pyou dislike it? p>> i like that -- i mean, i palways say donald trump and i pare a little -- a little like pthe detective and the serial pkiller. pyou know. pwe're not so different, you and pi. p[ laughter ] pi certainly don't agree with phardly anything he says olitically, but i love the fact pthat he's politically incorrect. pi used to have a show called p"politically incorrect." p[ applause ] p>> jimmy: what happened to that pshow? p>> well, i got thrown off the pair for being too politically pincorrect. p>> jimmy: my god. p>> and then they got this other pguy. p>> jimmy: fat guy, right? p>> no, not a fat guy. pjust a guy who wouldn't piss eople off.
pbut yeah, that's donald trump. phe eats third rails for pbreakfast. pi have yet to find something pthis man can say that will turn phis fans off. pi mean, we all thought it was pover when he said john mccain pnot a war hero. pwe thought, oh, well, that's -- pcome on. pno. pbut great, whatever. pand then he went to megyn kelly, pyou're on your period. pcarly fiorina, you're an older pwoman, too ugly to run for resident. phey, who wants to see my pimpression of a cerebral palsy p[ laughter ] pdo? pfart in jesus's face? p[ laughter ] p[ cheers and applause ] p>> jimmy: that would be psomething. p>> he's like a movie monster. pwhatever they think is going to pdestroy him just makes him pstronger. pyou know?
psanders for president. pnow? p>> look, i like hillary a lot. pbut not as much as bernie. pwe've never had a leftist in my plifetime. pa true leftist. phe's putting things on the table pno one ever put on the table pbefore. pthat's why we don't know. pnow, is he probably going to win pin the south? robably not. phe's a socialist jew who's 100. p[ laughter ] pbut you know what? eople have never seen this roduct before. eople didn't know they wanted pan iphone until they put it in pit. pwe've never had -- i call it the pnew deal. plike fdr's new deal. phe is saying we could be more plike a western european pdemocracy where you pay a little pmore taxes but look what you pget. pfree college, free health care. pgo after the banks. pthis stuff has never been on the ptable. pwe'll see what happens. pi think he deserves for what
pthe benefit of the doubt. p[ cheers and applause ] pand then, you know, and then if pwe go back to the old rules, pfine. pi've told my audience, my fans. pi said look, i'm for bernie and pa lot of you are too. pbut hillary is still good. pit's like when you're on a plane pif you don't get your first pchoice eat the chicken. p[ laughter ] pbecause if you don't get the pdemocrat, then the nearest pabortion clinic will be in plondon. p>> jimmy: do you like any of the prepublican candidates? pif you were forced to vote for pone of them -- p>> i'd kill myself. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: but if you had to vote pfor one of them, is there anyone pin your mind -- who do you think pis the worst among them? p>> ted cruz is always the worst. p>> jimmy: why do you say that? p>> because they laughed. pthat why. p[ laughter ] pi said it because he is. pbecause he's smart and evil. pthe other ones are true dummies. plike rubio. pyou know, he doesn't know what
phe just says the words. pbut ted cruz is diabolical. phe's smart. pwhat i really hate about him. pis. phe's smart but he knows what to psay to his dummy base that they pwill believe. pso he always says things like -- phere's my favorite. phe said, you know, before 9/11 i pwas a fan of classic rock. pafter 9/11 i found myself p[ laughter ] pbecause as we all know the world ptrade center was attacked by pthree dog night. p[ laughter ] pwhat the hell does that mean? por the thing about new york pvalues. premember that a couple of weeks pago? plike he doesn't have new york pvalues. phe clerked for the supreme pcourt. phe went to princeton and yale. pand he's like, do i even own pshoes? pi love when he plays the p[ bleep ] kicker chord like --
p>> jimmy: bill maher is here. phis show is "real time." phe's in vegas march 12th and p13th. pwe'll be right back. p[ cheers and applause ] sweetheart, don'tr look at me like that, r it's gonna be amazing. r this is a disaster! twho's the genius who puts a girl in heelsr on a subway grate? p miss monroe, eat a snickers. v why? you get a little crankyr when you're hungry. v better? t much better. this scene willr never make the cut, v morons. oh hello, deadpool here. (swish) i always wanted to be a professional athlete. (music) (crunch) cause i wanted to have children in cities all over the world. (music) (explosion) (music) deadpool: incoming! (motor revving) (music) (crunch) (explosion) (crunch)
pbill maher will be appearing in plas vegas at the mirage hotel. pyou know, i grew up in las pvegas. pyou like playing vegas? p>> i love vegas. pyou know, i first played there. pit's going to make me sound old, pbut [ bleep ], i am. p[ laughter ] pin 1982. p>> jimmy: wow. p>> i was 26, and i opened for pdiana ross. pand that was -- yeah. p>> jimmy: was that at caesars alace? p>> caesars palace. pit's what i called the dead ball pera in vegas. pit's like after the rat pack but pbefore it got reinvented as psomething hip and cool. pso it was tough. pyou know, and i was a young pcomedian. pno one you knew who i was or pwanted to see me. pthey wanted to see diana ross. pnow it's great. pit's hip. phip people come out and see it. pit's the only place in the world pi can play on christmas week. peverywhere else you don't play pchristmas if you're a personal pappearance act. eople are spending their money pon christmas. pvegas could give a [ bleep ] pabout christmas. pthey don't want to know pchristmas exists because then eople will feel guilty about
p>> jimmy: hey, by the way, happy pbirthday. pi know you had a big birthday. p[ applause ] pi know you had a big birthday arty. pdo you say how old or do you pkeep it quiet? p>> yes, i say how old. pi shout td out. p60. p[ applause ] p>> jimmy: i like to have a party pwhen you don't worry about it. psome people get bummed out by pthis stuff. p>> first of all, you can't hide panymore. pwhat aim going to say? pi'm 48. p[ laughter ] pso i made it into an event on my pshow and i used it as a reason pto get obama to appear on my pshow, because it's been a sore oint. pi mean, apparently our pinvitation to him has been lost pin the mail for seven years. phe's done every show. phe's done your show, right? p>> jimmy: it's crazy. p>> see what i mean? pevery show. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: first of all, how dare pyou? pand secondly, you gave his super ac a million dollars. p>> yes. pand he treats me like i owe him pmoney. p[ laughter ] pi didn't even mention that
preason why. p>> jimmy: you'd think he'd know pthat already, though. p>> they have a thing at the pwhite house that if you get a etition that is signed by p100,000 people they have to prespond to it. pso we had a petition out there. pour beautiful fans within 38 phours, we had the 100,000 psignatures. pand it just says do our show or ptell me why. pjust tell me why. pand i'm sure that there are eople in the white house who psay never do that show. pbill maher, he's a comedian, patheist, pot smoker who never pgot married. p[ laughter ] pby the way, all decisions i'm preally good with. p[ applause ] p>> jimmy: have you considered -- pi know he's coming out here next pweek for fund-raisers. ptell him you're having a pfund-raiser at the address where pyou shoot the show and maybe phe'll show up. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> that's what the president pdoes, jimmy. phe just shows up. p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: that's what he did phere. phe just appeared like santa pclaus. pit was a miracle. p>> yeah.
pwe'll see what they say. p>> jimmy: well, it's very good pto see you. p[ applause ] pyou know what? pi told you this a million times, pbut when i was in college i saw pyou do stand-up and i think eople forget that you're one of pthe great stand-up comics and if pyou want to go see bill march p12th and 13th in las vegas at pthe mirage hotel -- p>> las vegas! pwhy didn't we talk about las pvegas? p>> jimmy: bill maher, everybody. pwe'll be right back with alicia pvikander.
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tt4w`t3n`!d$" iztq '$$ tt4w`t3n`!d$" jntq 5td tt4w`t3n`!d$" lzt& -98 p we're back. pstill to come, music from p"nothing but thieves." pour next guest has had a roductive week. pshe won the critic's choice paward, the s.a.g. award. pon sunday she was named mvp of pthe super bowl. pnominated for best supporting pactress for her role in "the pdanish girl." lease say hello to alicia pvikander. p[ cheers and applause ] pi know i screwed up your name. pi said it a million times to pmyself before. palicia vikander, right? p>> yeah, that was right.
psay it like that before. pat the oscars like if john ptravolta has to introduce your pcategory, god help him. pit's going to be a disaster. p[ laughter ] pwell, hopefully one of the good pthings about being nominated pfor -- one of the many good pthings is people hear your name pover and over again and you have pmaybe a little less of that. p>> yeah. pand then i'm going to give him pthe swedish version and then -- p>> jimmy: what is the swedish pversion of your name? p>> alicia vikander. p>> jimmy: yeah, forget that. p[ laughter ] pis the oscars a big thing in psweden? p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: it is? p>> it is. pi remember when my mom -- i came pfinally to the age when she pwould allow me to kind of set pthe alarm clock and go up at p2:00 a.m. and sit by the tv and pthen later on i even had like psleepovers with my friends and pwe kind of stayed up and were pwearing pajamas and ate popcorn pand watched the oscars and ptalked about all the dresses. p>> jimmy: so your family must phave been very, very excited pwhen you got nominated.
pactually out here for the golden pglobes. pfor the first time in l.a. pand visiting me. pand they came with me to set. pi was filming in vegas. pso we got the news when i was pthere. p>> jimmy: wow. p>> and it was great because it pwas like -- we were all in track psuits, and it was 9:00 a.m. in pthe morning and we could just op the champagne and that was ptotally normal. p>> jimmy: that's right. pit's las vegas. pyou can do that anytime. pbut why were you all wearing ptrack suits? p[ laughter ] p>> i'd just woken up. pand it's also on film shoots. pi'm actually just wearing the psame thing every day. pi do have several options. pso it's not like i don't wash pthem. pbut you go to work, you just pchange. pso i even remember on some pshoots you've been together with pyour colleagues for like three pmonths and then you end up phaving like a night when at the pwrap party it's the first time pyou actually -- look at you. pjeans and a t-shirt. pyou look so well. p>> jimmy: yeah, that is a funny
phere on our show from "game of pthrones" or "downton abbey" or psomething i'm always shocked to psee them in normal human being pclothes. p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: and with you it's kind pof the opposite. p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: will you bring your pfamily to the oscars with you? p>> i am. p>> jimmy: you are. poh. pyou have to get them tickets or phow does that work? p>> yeah. pi just -- i got them tickets the pother -- p>> jimmy: will they embarrass pyou by talking to famous people? p>> i hope so. p>> jimmy: you hope so. pyou're okay with that? p>> yeah. pmy dad has a bit of a crush on pkate winslet. pso i kind of prepped her. pmy dad's coming. lease be kind. pand she was. pshe was like oh, my god, that's p>> jimmy: wow. pthat's funny. pbut i guess your dad, your dad's pabout it. pthat's a little bit weird. pyour dad -- but yeah, your dad, pit probably makes perfect sense pthat he would have a crush on -- p>> i do have a crush on kate pwinslet. p>> jimmy: do you know all the pwomen who are nominated with you pin your category?
pto meet rooney mara, because pwe've been sitting at many of pthese events, and i mean, i've plooked up to her and admired her pas an actress for a long time. pwe've been waving across the proom. pand finally when we did this we phad the oscar luncheon. pwe were put next to each other pfor the class. p>> jimmy: does anyone eat lunch pat the luncheon? pit seems like nobody's eating. p>> it's the first proper event pwhere they actually eat. pnormally at the golden globes i pwas sitting there with a plate pin front of me and everyone else pbut the food never came. pisn't that weird? p[ laughter ] p>> jimmy: it's called the phollywood diet. p>> yeah. pi was like is this every year? pthis is not a miss, this is pactually -- p>> jimmy: yeah, it's a very ptraditional l.a. thing. pyou just eat the air. p[ laughter ] p>> yeah. pand then you drink. pand then it all goes -- p>> jimmy: in sweden does peverybody speak english? p>> yeah. peveryone speaks very good penglish in sweden.
p9, 10. pbut it was not until i got here pwhen you actually start to speak pit, you know. p>> jimmy: and you realize that pthere are different ways people pall over the country speak. p>> you mean accents? p[ laughter ] p>> yeah, we do have them -- we phave them in sweden too. psweden? p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: isn't that funny? pbecause really our knowledge of psweden and swedish accents comes pfrom a muppet who cooks. p[ laughter ] p>> yode, yode, yode. p>> jimmy: so you know him. p>> but to me he sounds more pnorwegian. p>> jimmy: oh, he does? p[ laughter ] pwow, more more norwegian. pthat's a scandal to hit sesame pstreet. p[ laughter ] pso are you excited about the poscars? pif should be a fun night. pi think you have a good chance pof winning. pdo you gamble on yourself? pyou know you can. pyou're working in las vegas. p>> i did go and -- i learned how pto play the craps. p>> jimmy: yeah.
p[ laughter ] phow did you do? pyou were making that movie with pthat stupid matt damon, weren't pyou, in las vegas? p>> yeah. pi'm so happy that you actually psee him -- you're telling his ptrue colors. pi know everyone tells everyone pthat he's the sweetest dude. p>> jimmy: but he's not. phe's a nightmare. p>> yeah. p>> jimmy: thanks. pfinally someone confirms this pfor me. p[ applause ] p>> we still have one week to go. p>> jimmy: number one, we learned pthat the swedish chef is a pfraud. pand number two, we learned -- pwell, something i knew for a plong time. pmatt damon is evil incarnate. pcongratulations. pwe'll see you at the academy pawards, the oscars, which are on psunday february 28th, 7:00 peastern, 4:00 pacific. pand of course your movie, which pwas great. p"the danish girl" comes out on pdvd and blu-ray march 1st. pwe'll be right back with nothing pbut thieves. p[ cheers and applause ] p>> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel
pbill maher, alicia vikander and papologies to matt damon. pwe ran out of time. p"nightline" is next. pbut first with their self-titled palbum here with the song "trip pswitch" nothing but thieves! p[ cheers and applause ] p sharing secrets with panother world prubbing shoulders with psome unknown lovers p making waves through pthe universe pstarting wars with panonymous brothers p trip switch ptrip switch pmake a wish and i'll pcount to three p press the button and pwe'll both be happy psending signals is a pdirty trick p i get my love in pa digital packet ptrip trip switch switch ptrip trip switch switch pwhat we do when the
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