tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(cheers and applause) welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) well, there are some big science stories in the news right now. this has been the hottest winter on record. scientists have discovered gravitational waves. but tonight i want to talk about a more important story: horses can read our minds. (laughter) don't panic. they'll know. a new study from the university of sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse. (laughter) they never pitch in for the pizza. i won't have it. you know what this means? those central park carriage horses know when i'm depressed -- usually because i'm looking at central park carriage horses. now, this shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. i rode horses when i was a kid,
skittish around the horse. he can sense it. just try and relax. and erase from your mind the fact that you're standing next to a 2,000 pound creature that will trample your bones at the first sign of weakness." (laughter) the takeaway here is we finally know why cowboys always ride off alone on horseback. they can share things with their horses they could never tell the other cowboys. (laughter) (cheers and applause) oh, horsey. you're the only one who gets me. the girls at the saloon aren't paying attention to me anymore. i'm fat. don't lie to me. i know i am. i can tell your back hurts when i'm riding you. i never know how to say it -- is it "lasso" or "lassoo?" so i just say "rope circle." why do i go on all these long
what am i runnin' away from? how are you doing over there? (laughter) >> good, good. >> stephen: you doing good? (laughter) this is meredith, everybody. say hi to meredith. >> it's very light. it's just a head. >> stephen: okay, good. >> stephen: i think we might be done.: could you leave as a horse, please? (cheers and applause)tephen: i'm so sorry. well, you don't have to be a horse to recognize how excited i am about tonight's show.s the star of the new movie "triple 9," casey
(cheers and applause)own with hollywood legend and living ball of anger, richard dreyfuss. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) fantastic. plus, we'll be visited by the legendary mavis staples. (cheers and applause) and you all are very lucky, because she's going to sing a song. oh! that right there is jon batiste and stay human. they're about to crank it up and rip off the knob, but beforeg: a professional wrestler proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of a match. i don't have the heart to tell her it's all fake. "late show" theme ) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes casey affleck.
the news or watch what's happening in the world, but it was a big weekend in presidential who won? who lost? who cares? this is the road to the white house. he american dream is dead. >> stephen: on saturday, democrats caucused in and in nevahda, which i've recently learned is the same state. and once the votes were counted in nevada, many were asking could hillary clinton recover from such a debilitating victory. >> hillary clinton held on to aagainst bernie sanders. >> hillary clinton barely beats bernie sanders in nevada. >> it was a very tough win for her. >> stephen: yeah. tough win! many more humiliating wins she can take. when she announced, hillary seemed inevitable.
she's still not president? what a let down.ernie this was a triumphant defeat. as he wrote his supporters, he leaves nevada, "with roughly the as hillary clinton." yes, just like the super bowl, where the carolina panthers left with "roughly" the same number of points as denver. (cheers and applause) also on saturday, the republicans held "their" nevada primary in south carolina. i didn't see that coming.red the state's big winner by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, "yeah! okay! that sounds good." but that was just the "electoral" victory.a see a different winner. >> florida senator marco rubio collected his best finish so far, second-place finish in south carolina. >> surging to second place,ng the endorsement of popular governor
>> ted cruz says the south carolina race was really a tie for him and marco rubio. rubio and this primary had more winners than a little league awards banquet. that's right, jeremy, you winyour bat!" congratulations to you and wooden thunder! of course, of all the winners,inner was so now the obvious question is will he ever not win? everyone's mind is trump unstoppable? >> now the inevitable g.o.p. nominee?ow appears to be unstoppable. >> stephen: yes, trump is unstoppable. he's like godzilla with less foreign policy experience.
(applause)ght he was just doing this to promote his reality show or sell more steaks. when he announced his intention to be president, it nevers end game was to "be" president. but it's time to end the denial. we as a nation must prepare forility of president donald j... (applause) i think i just trumped in my mouth a little. and i'm not the only one having to get used to the idea.aid when asked if he thought he could be "presidential." >> i mean, i can act as presidential as anybody that's ever been president other thanoln. i thought he was pretty hard to
just being humble.on with lincoln. i'm sure if he's elected, half the country will want to secede too. (applause) and this weekend proved once again that the primaries are a gladiatorial death-match between warring tribes, cheered on by those of us in thety media who feed on their pain. it's like the hunger games. no, it's worse than that. it's... the hungry for power games!d applause)ungry for power games! tributes, assemble! oh, my... they're dwindling. now there are just hillary clinton and the seven dwarves,
and doc. because over the weekend, we lost the biggest dwarf of all: jeb! jeb! oh, that's the last time we'll hear his mournful mating cry, jeb, jeb. jeb, jeb. (laughter) answered his mating cry! on saturday, jeb finished a distant fourth in south carolina and, as he left, johnd after his own monogrammedscribed the race with an appropriate metaphor. >> tonight, i am suspending my campaign. i congratulate my competitors who are remaining on the island.
this election is like! but sadly, jeb did not run an "amazing race." he just didn't have that "xfactor," and nothing short of an "extreme makeover" could make voters forget his "big brother."it all began so promisingly for this career tribute, trained since birth to fight for capitol city. he had all the advantages of name recognition. but was saddled with the burden of name recognition.here republican voters cheered talk of mexican walls, this is how jeb announced he was in -- (speaking spanish).. he's out. (applause)la vista" in espanol?
himself as a moderate, by makinging early on that a republican centrist must be willing to "lose the primary to win the general." congratulations! you're halfway there! this must also be a blow to tribute jeb's sponsors in the capitol, who gave him $150 million!s campaign cost as much as "inception," only the ending of jeb's campaign makes sense.s respect tribute jeb -- for even as his campaign collapsed around him, he never lost his dignity.esident needs to be a lot quieter but send a signal that we're prepared to act in the national security interests of this country, to get back in the business of creating a morese clap.
clap" and they did! if only he'd said "please vote for me."i will also respect him for trudging on despite sinking poll numbers, dubbing himself "the joyful tortoise" and handing out toy turtles to anyone who would take them. but now the turtle is dead. he's joyful no more! what does one do with a dead tortoise? (laughter) (flushing sound) bye bye!
so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap.g while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me.
a bull rider is bold. now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he ju butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety,
(cheers and applause) >> how are: doing well. how are you? >> well, yeah. >> stephen: thanks for dressing up! i can't tell if this choice is the least celebrity thing to do thing to do because it's very casual. >> thank you. >> stephen: yeah. you look great. >> stephen: thank you. i'm not saying you don't look good.en: no, i'm not saying that at all. >> you're rude. >> stephen: not at all. a little bit. >> stephen: not at all. (laughter)ean? >> stephen: not at all. it's just playful ribbing. >> is this mine? >> stephen: let's find out. (laughter)ne. >> stephen: you can have that. want some? thirsty? it's just water. >> that's all right. >> stephen: it's just water.
you look like when you're give you like the little -- it's just water. did you want something better than water? >> no, that's all right. how longk about this? >> stephen: till i get to my joke. >> does it always take this long? >> stephen: it's not a joke. you look ike a jesus. (applause) you do. the movie. "triple 9". >> terrific picture. >> stephen: you're terrific in it. >> thank you. >> you're suddenly doing so well. >> stephen: i don'thould probably end up fighting at the end. like bare-knuckle boxing. you i don't want to do that. >> .>> stephen: you have a lot ofnd sisters. >> no. do you want to fight? >> stephen: feels like this is where it's going. >> no.
glasses, so you couldn't possibly throw a punch at me. i've enjoyed the movie very much. i only saw 1 hour and 10 minutes of it but i -- because i had to help my son with a scienceue story. (laughter) you're doing a great job in this. i hope your character ends up okay in the end. you're the good guy in this movie.e are a lot of bad guys. >> stephen: yes. a very formidable cast of bad characters. >> stephen: played by very formidable actors. >> yes,perheros. we had real superheroes, and a tough guy who was once a slave, norman kills a lot of zombies in the "walking aaron paul because drug dealer for a long time. all these guys and i'm the one good guy. >> stephen: and woody harrelson.
and kate winslet who's british.t cannot be easy. i think she's from new zealand, actually. >> well, all right. (laughter)n tell? who can tell? >> swine ?true. >> stephen: not american, who cares, right? we have a clip of you andackey. >> okay. >> stephen: want to say something before the clip? >> no. >> stephen: i won't stop you. good. >> stephen: (laughter) >> stephen: we have a clip. he's not digginght. the rules around here are different. this ain't buckhead, all right? so you better learn fast. >> hey, man, let me tell youoblem with me, put it on the table but don't pull me aside and we me like you know something you don't know. you bow up in front of the wholee that, you're the one who's got explaining to do. you get off my back and let me do my job.
game now, huh? stupid. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: did you do the classic ride along or anything like that with cops? it was in atlanta. did you ride along with the cops in atlanta? >> yeah, they were really nice. what a hard job. >> stephen: was it scary? i would be scared to go out with should be. it was scary. they go from, like, eight hours of teed yum to suddenly being in a scary anduation. so there are big spikes of stress and it's hard to go home at night for these guys and it was for me but i didn't doouple of traffic stops, thinking about the tickets.
you weren't cut out for that.tephen: you have a lot of gun fights in this. >> mostly i do that at home with my kids and the nerf. i've done a lot of gun training. >> stephen: do you helphe nerf darts? >> the loser cleans up. >> stephen: that's exactly right. and you say "you're a loser." (laughter) great father.nderful father. >> i do science experiments, too, you know. >> stephen: you do? i want to hear about it. stick around, we have to dothen more to have the thing. >> all right. >> stephen: right back with more casey affleck. (band playing) an he p you need,eep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. t do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh?
why not?king] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why.[dog whine] sushi it is. d data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte dataifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!- we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data.lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile. it. how did you do that you didn't even move your hand?! it's all in the wrist schwartzy... alright, another game. alexa, what time is it?
6:00... alexa, how's the traffic? the fastest route is 45 minutes to downtown. can we take the bike?! c'mon schwartzy! the side-car. alright. 'm glad aflac pays cash. aflac! isn't major medical enough? no! who's gonna' help cover the holes in their plans? aflac!and deductibles... aflac! or help pay the mortgage? or child care? aflaaac!enses? aflac! learn about one day pay at aflac.com/boat! why am i a fan of applebee's fan favorites quesadilla burger? it's a burger... inside a quesadilla. genius. hot. cheese. fresh. pico de gallo.
before the break you do science experiments with your kids. >> yeah. >> stephen: what kinds of do? >> oh, lots of things. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) like the soda water and vinegar volcano or take a wrapper from gum and stick it in the lightet? >> no. >> stephen: it makes the neighborhood spark! >> my kids are very bright. we sent up a few high def cameras to thespace station. that's what my kids did for the science picture. they're always circling the globe. you can see it online. it's(laughter) i don't know, what do you expect me to do? >> stephen: he flew the rocket that brought your kid's science experiment up there. (laughter) studied science when at columbia. did you finish at columbia university? that's a smart place to go. >> yeah, it is.
i pulled the cord. >> stephen: you barely eeked in. >> yes. >> stephen: did you have a signs plan when you went to college?ust what interested me and then i started doing it and it trtd me less every time i was the last person to figure something out. >> stephen: uh-huh.hat stuff and i know you do a little bit. >> stephen: i do. i actually looked through your kids cameras up in the international space station a lot. i actually, on my desktop, iroducer told you about this, one of the things i like -- let me put this up here, jim -- i like to have the live feet fromace station right now. that's a live feed right now. us? can you find us? call houston to make that happen. >> you know the google earth thing? >> stephen: i know the google earth thing, yeah. >> i put my address in there and i went in and there i was
>> stephen: bull (bleep). can't say that. don't (bleep) it.lause) >> stephen: how do you know? that's a convertible? >> no. >> stephen: oh, street view. i was sitting there and streetview and there it was.as stalking you. >> yeah, i didn't like it. it was great at first. then i thought, like, i don't know what i thought, i didn't like it.ow cameras are pointed at you a lot. are you not comfortable with -- (laughter) we're on camera right now. are you, like, reluctant to be in the public eye of your job, i suppose, being a movie star, is having people pointing cameras at you. like, please let me do my jobest of it? >> if you say you're an actor and you're camera shy, there is something a little bit false about that. but everyone these days is in everyone is documented and online for anyone to see.
media, facebook? >> i don't do that.don't. i don't do any of that stuff. (laughter) >> would you friend me? >> stephen: i would friend you, yeah. are you on facebook? >> no. >> stephen: well, then what do you mean, casey? (laughter) this is all so sudden.ppened to it? >> stephen: it just zoomed in. (bleep). (applause) character in this, this cop in "triple 9", has moral compass. do you have a moral compass? are you a moral person?have a moral compass, i guess. it's a bit like -- you remember the edge with anthony hopkins? >> stephen: yeah. the wilderness and he has to try to
to make a compass because he was very careful. he would take a le and put it in water and it would turn north, but it's a lot of work. i feel every day i have to magnetize a leaf and figure it out and then i've got to know, that's the right thing to do. >> stephen: you know who would say that? a street corner jesus. (cheers and applause) "triple 9" is in theaters this casey affleck, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) (band playing) ... is mold-breaking. its intelligent drive systems... paradigm-shifting. its technology-filled cabin...jaw-dropping.breathtaking. its self-parking...and self-braking...show-stopping. the all-new glc.-benz resets the bar for the luxury suv.
starting at $38,950. er from one of those major carriers. straight talk wireless uses the same cell towers they do. but we don't build or maintain them. so we can offerpyou the same great, pnationwide coveragepfor half the cost! out here... and here. p well, not here.pthat would be weird. p the world needspmore straight talk. best phones. best networks. half the cost. return go further and save on the samsung galaxy grand prime. unlimited talk, text and data is just $45 a month.
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is an old friend. she's here with a new album and an hbo documentary on her remarkable career called, est, please welcome richard dreyfuss! thank you for being here! good to see you!ers and applause) >> stephen: you're obviously a beloved actor, one with a fine body of work out there. i am an icon of the culture. >> stephen: you are. you absolutely are. on your laurels or just some sort of wall flower, you also are politically active and care
you have something called thefus sievings initiative. what is that and why? >> why is because people don't learn it anymore, they don't >> stephen: what don't they teach? >> that we were the cause of the greatest political revolution in the history of mankind and that we were -- (c: in america, specifically, in our democracy. >> yeah. and we came along and we said, if you can get here, if you can manage to make the journey to can have freedom of worship, freedom of thought, freedom of speech, you can have mobility of mind and excellence, you can have the idea that you can move wherever you want without asking permission, and you can start any endeavor you want and keep the stephen: you don't think we know that? we know that. americans are all, like, i get
>> stephen: we know we get ghetto do what we want, richardt they don't know is how >> stephen: how much longer do you think it's going to last? >> i don'to make it through this century, actually, and i think you've all got something to worry about. >> stephen: are you being serious?en: you have no hope? i have little hope or, as my wife has taught me, hope is for losers. my wife has that, and she's from russia, and she ought to know. >> stephen: i believe hope is for losers is on the russian flag.es. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: forgetting our civic duty is one thing and forgetting our responsibility to be engaged in what the future of
who fool us and take our money by making us trust economicdo not serve us. >> i think what donald trump has done this year has inadvertently exposed one of the great flaws of the co: that he's allowed to run for president? (cheers and applause)ep. >> stephen: you played madoff. i did. >> stephen: you think after playing madoff you could pull off the same kind of con he did?y a better actor than he is and now you know what the secret is. could you take us for a couple of bills? say by starting a civics and asking for donations? (laughter) >> no, it could be being a movie star and being paid movie star con.
nice work if you can get it richard, thank you for being here andout our civic treasure we have in america. >> you're not kidding. if you don't watch out your kids will turn to you and say why did like this? because if you look at what they're learning in public school, you will be appalled and agast. nything of any substance. they don't know who they were, who they might be and certainly don't know who they are. we are the people who createdy amongst the people and our politicians don't -- we don't work for them, they work for us. and we watch america like we're passing a car accident as opposed to being participants
we don't do that.ayed of exercising any kind -- we're afraid of exercising any kind of thunderstorm being on this show is a great privilege and moment being rude and taking advantage of it. >> stephen: not as rude as i'm going to be when i edit it. you can find out more about the dreyfus civicschard dreyfuss, everybody! we'll be right back! (band playing) (cheers and applause) to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep.t think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that
you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. ught you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps.e. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. ogy. that's a game changer. hi, i'm captain obvious. p when i heard there was a racepfor president i decided to run. and i'll be running
forpresident.com" r or don't. we live in a democracy. supported by hotels.com to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side
(band playing)tephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an old friend. she's here with a new album and an hbo documentary on her remarkable career called, "mavis."are always asking me when am i going to retire? i don't care to retire. >> how are you doing? good, how are you? thank you.he road for over 60 years. i'll stop singing when i have nothing left to say and, you know, that ain't gonna happen.se welcome the one, the only, the great mavis staples!
>> stephen: i loa seat! >> whoa! >> stephen: it's always so nice to see you! >> it's such a pleasure. >> stephen: you are such a bundle of joy. you bring so much happiness tot just by your sing but just by yourself. what do you think that happiness comes from? >> it's just in me. just the joy in me. >> stephen: for the people who may not know everything about your career, you started off as one of the staple singers. >> yes. >> stephen: and your family and you guys used to open forright? >> we did. >> stephen: what was that like? >> it was great. we traveled with dr. king for years. we would sing before he would speak.
out to be his favorite. >> stephen: what was that? "why am i treated so bad," and pops wrote that song for "little rock nine." there were nine black children in little rock trying to integrate central high school, and pops would watch these kids, in high school at the time -- and they would walk every morning proud, heads high, have their books and they would walk into a mob of people, you know, at them, spat upon, calling them names, but they keep on walking. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how old when you first started to sing? >> i was eight years old. >> stephen: eight years old? mm-hmm. >> stephen: do you remember the first song that you learned? >> yes. >> stephen: what was it? whoa, they tell me
where no storm cloud rise "uncloudy day.". (cheers and applause) i thought it was going to be like mary had a little lam or something. you started out pretty advance. i skipped ahead. (laughter) that was the very first song that my family sang. >> stephen: oh, okay. my father taught us as a but my very first song is a turkey is a funny bird wobble, wobble, wobble (laughter) >> stephen: that's more myd. and all he knows is just one word gobble, gobble, gobble een a hit! (applause) you moved from gospel to soul, eventually. what is the difference between
what did you have tohe way you sang to go from one to the next? >> we didn't switch. what happened was, my sisters and my brother sang with my with just pops' gi star. when we went to stacks records, somebody had the idea to put a behind us. when we recorded "i'll take you there," that beat -- everyone would hit the floor, even the church people. church people hit the floor. (laughter) so they started saying, them staple singers, they singing the (laughter) i did so many interviews, i had to let people know that the devil ain't got no music. the devil ain't got no music.applause) >> stephen: now, you've got a
>> stephen: on the album, you're working with my friend jon over here on one of theat's he like to work with? >> oh, he's beautiful! he didn't give no prubl. >> stephen: no trouble at all! (laughter) >> he told me however you want to sing it, sing it. he wrote a beautiful song, it's called "tomorrow." tomorrow is another day. you know,.g that i really want to say sometimes things just won't go your way don't give up tomorrow is another day >> stephen: we'll be right february 29. stick around for the performance, y'all! we'll be right back!
been really good today. send. let's get mark his own cell phone. nice. brad could use a new bike. send. [google] message. you decide.ids. why are you guys texting grandma? it was him. it was him. app-connect. from the newly redesigned volkswagen passat. right now you can get $1000 day bonus on new 2015 or 2016 passat, jetta or tiguan models. skillet is loaded with so many nutritious super foods, i think it's giving me super mom powers. denny's new supreme green skillet. denny's.lcome to america's diner. yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm.
uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so...e people stay with state farm. get to a better state. give extra. get extra. every spend millions of hours just collecting the water they need for their families. each limited edition stella artois chalice helps provide five years of clean watereveloping
from the album "living on a high note," performing "take us back, ladies andples (cheers and applause) n get ya in a hurry but i'm just gonna take it slow now t working now i'm working on me, baby i'm working on me, darling i'm taking some time to seekeep me going sometimes folks can lead ya down a bad line now i'm not saying that i'm judging nowa tell them what i tell em now i got friends
i got family i got i got help from love me i got friends and i got i got family i got i got help fromho love me sometimes people try to, take all they can from you but they don't call me bubbles for nothing nown pops would tell them how she gets it from me, baby she gets it from me, darlingys easy but love made the windy city breezy i got friends and i got i got family
>> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be debra messing, zachary quinto, and a musical performance by violent femmes. corden. goodnight! ng sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgre you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight