tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert NBC February 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> stephen: hey! thanks so much! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. a couple weeks ago-- thank you so much. i don't know, friday night, wonderful to be here on friday night. thank you so much for being here. a couple of weeks ago, if you guys watch the show on a regular basis-- do you guys watch the show? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's good to know. i told you a few weeks ago, scifts at cambridge university said it was scientifically impossible for spider-man to walk on walls. i believe it was a ph.d. thesis on destroying my childhood. why do you want to hurt me, cambridge? why destroy my dreams? ( laughter ) given a scalpel, you would dissect a rainbow. ( laughter )
that was hard to read. ( cheers and applause ) that was hard to read. it was almost as disappointing as when they realized that study proving that, for hawkman to fly like a bird, he would also have to poop like one. i'm just saying, batman, be careful where you park the batmobile. and definitely put the top up. here is the spider-man situation. the peter parker party poopers at cambridge claim someone man-sized can't get enough adhesion on a wall to climb it. with hands this size. the largest animal capable of climbing a wall, they say, is a geko. come on! who wants to be rescued by gecko man? "i have saved you from the green goblin. now i will save you 15% on car insurance." ( laughter )
no! but i have just received some hopeful news. the superheroes at stanford university in the states just sent me this: >> so, colbert, i was watching your show on thursday, and you said something about spider-man not being able to climb walls. now, here at stanford, we had an issue with that because, if you don't just copy the gecko but instead you're clever about how you distribute your weight, you can use a device like this, and a human can climb a glass wall. >> stephen: that's right. spider-man could be real because stanford has created spider-man gloves to scale a building. let's take a look at stanford's amazing web-slinger in action! there he is. there he is.
spider-man, spider-man, does whatever this appears to be criminals, you are on notice. spider-man is going to bring you to justice! just stay on the second floor and give him about an hour and 20 minutes. you're on your honor! he's coming! ( cheers and applause ) cha-ping. ting! thank you, stanford. keep sticking it to those knuckleheads at cambridge. oh, my "late show" sense is tingling because we've got a great show for you tonight! ( chee and applause ) is that what that is? >> jon: not one, two. >> stephen: first, i'll be sitting down with bobby cannavale. ( cheers and applause )
the new york music scene in the '70s. it was pretty wild. imagine the hard rock cafe, but with no chicken fingers. then, we're going to take a look at the greatest super bowl ads of all time with advertising legend donny deutsch. ( applause ) you are going to want to stay through all my commercials to see these commercials. plus, we'll hear music from singer-songwriter charles kelley. ( cheers and applause ) ticktock, ticktock, ticktk. that's jon basteeft and the stay human dancers, everybody. say hi, y'all!
>> jon: get down! ( cheers and applause ) that's my super hero fish man. his only power when he's not in the water is to flop. this band is about to play that secret note that starts the show. but before they do, one more thing: ohio governor john kasich has pledged to reunite pink floyd if he is elected president. but he is also against legalizing pot, so he does not want you to enjoy them. >> tonight, stephen welcomes actor bobby cannavale. advertising legend donny deutsch.
charles kelley. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! you know what? ( cheers and applause ) that's amazing energy. i know, you cannot beat these friday crowds like the one we have tonight.
because-- you can't beat them. because as i said before it is friday night. and we definitely did not pretape this thursday so we could have extra time to prepare for our special live show right after the super bowl on sunday. i'll prove it right now. audience, is it friday? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and as you know, every friday, we set up hypothetical battles between two persons, places or things. it could be anything, like pen versus sword. the '64 cleveland browns versus 2014 boston pops. a horse-sized duck versus horse-sized horse. then we post those match-ups as twitter polls and let you, the people, decide who would win the battle. so get your gloves out and put them on your thumbs.
>> "friday night fights!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights!" now, folks. ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves "friday night fights." first up, as we do every week first, let's check the results from last friday when i debated two classic match-ups with astrophysicist neil degrasse tyson. neil, thanks for coming back to face the music. ( cheers and applause ) good to see you. all right, neil. brace yourself. our first fight pitted feline flake tycoon, tony the tiger, versus legume dandy, mr. peanut. neil, you sided with mr. peanut, but twitter has spoken and the
68% of the vote. boom! how do you feel, neil. >> we're thinking mr. peanut is, like, a human, but he's still a vegetable. >> stephen: right. >> and tigers don't eat vegetable s. >> stephen: oh, so there's no appeal to even attack. >> exactly! >> stephen: nicely done, but too late. well, i sided with tony, and it's g-r-r-rratifying! for our next match-up, this is in your wheelhouse, we debated which is more inescapable, the supermassive black hole in the center of center of our galaxy or the obligation to be with family at the holidays. neil, you sided with the super massive black hole because you're a man of science and because you have not met my family. twitter said 65% family. ( applause )
what say you? how do you feel, neil. >> i thought people would go with the fact that the black hole-- you could still, your family and then the black hole eats everybody, you see. so i thought that could still work as kind of a backdoor way for me to still win that one. >> stephen: your grandmother is not getting any younger. she just wants to see you one last time. budge over, neil. we've brought in another champion. please stay with us. it is time for us to be joined by my next worthy opponent. she is editor in chief of the "huffington post," your one-stop shop for politics, entertainment and what part of selena gomez we weren't supposed to see on the red carpet last night. give it up for the titan of traffic! the magistrate of click-bait! the greek who isn't meek!
( cheers and applause ) mwa! darling. let's do this. arianna, thank you for being here. good to see you again. >> great to see you? >> stephen: now you're a champion debater. if i got this right, you were the captain of your debate team at cambridge university. >>ig but i'm not as good a debater as you. >> stephen: oh, really? >> not at all. >> stephen: i think you're a better debater as i am, and if you convince me i'm better, that means i won. >> no, no. i'm not as good, because you know what? since donald trump bragging is out, humility is in. >> stephen: oh, really? >> and, also, if i can beat expectations tonight, then i win. so, basically, if everybody expects you to be better but i turn out to be better, whether it's iowa, new hampshire, or "friday night fights," that's a game now. beating expectations. >> stephen: you're low-balling yourself. >> definitely.
are you ready for the fights? >> ready. stephen: okay. our first one is literally a classic. it matches mozart with his magic flute against beethoven wielding a machete. let's go to the tale of the tape. starting with wolfgang amadeus mozart, 5'4", tipping the scales at 127 pounds, this prodigy was blessed with the ear of god and the fingers of an angel. strengths include: harpsichord-shredding arpeggios, the powderiest wig this side of the danube, and a magical flute that controls the thoughts and emotions of all who hear it and, let's say, shoots lasers. weaknesses include: died penniless, and the emotional baggage of a former child star. but this fight isn't done, done, done, done because his opponent is beethoven with a machete. coming in at 5'3" and 132 pounds, this machete maestro's
genius, the original resting bitch face, and a chronic abdominal pain that led him to contemplate suicide. so he's got nothing to lose. weaknesses include: alcoholism inherited from his father, and he is deaf. okay arianna, mozart flute, beethoven machete. >> i am going with mozart. >> stephen: mozart. >> yes. as you said, beethoven was deaf, so this little old man wouldn't hear the flute coming. ( laughter ) on top of it, on top of it, he was suffering from jaundice, chronic hepatitis, cirrhosisis of the liver, inflammatory degeneration of the artery. >> stephen: that just proves beethoven can take the punishment and keep on coming. >> no, it basically proves as modern insurance companies would take it, existing conditions, and on tom of it, magic. i always go with magic. who would you go with?
>> stephen: so mozart with the magic flute. >> stephen: here's where you're wrong. here's where you're wrong, cambridge. because the magic flute must be heard by its victim, beethoven's deaf, he is immune to the powers of the flute. machete to the neck, mozart goes down. >> here's why are you wrong. it's not about beethoven hearing the magic flute. it's about all the animals that mozart can get to surround beethoven and attack him. ( applause ). >> stephen: strong argument. strong argument. >> there's one more thing that's terribly important is the magic is a deceptively dangerous weapon because you can sharpen it and use it as a spear. and did you know that the first first-- the first flute was actually made out of the bone of a bear's leg? >> stephen: so the first flute was made from a bear's leg? >> yes! >> stephen: well, the bear might come back for that flute. mozart better look out. >> don't forget, the flute has a laser. you said you put a lays nert flute. >> stephen: it is laser flute.
-- >> thank you! >> stephen: okay, the poll is now live on twitter. go to @stephenathome and vote on the question "who would win in a fight, mozart with a magic flute or beethoven with a machete?" you make the call! next up, a question that has baffled philosophers for centuries: which is more joyful, that feeling you get when a coworker shows you a photo of their new baby or that feeling you get when you realize they forgot to charge you for the extra guac on your burrito? ( laughter ) let's go to the tale of the tape, starting with your coworker's baby picture. tipping the scales at eight pounds, four ounces, six megapixels. it seems important to them. strengths include: seeing a baby's adorable toothless smile, building intimacy with your coworker, and making cooing sounds proves you're not dead inside. weaknesses include: bringing up guilt about either your childlessness or your own parenting skills, the fact that you hardly know this person, and the weird feeling if you say
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and, right there. and as a public service, i just want to remind you that you only have tomorrow-- saturday, which tomorrow is-- to get everything you need for the perfect super bowl party. you need a big screen tv comfy couches, a guy named phil, a football-shaped pretzel bowl, enough beer to fell a horse, and a horse with a drinking problem. but, most importantly, you've got to have the right snacks. and i got two words for you: chip and dip. exclamation point. to make sure you have your dip in a pile, we here at the "late show" have created a helpful hoto videoof ds.jim? >>s,e'sesttriaey yw c plun,otat or tood asanytn yper ad.ab a sweandfait
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>> great to be here. >> stephen: all right, now, as i said, you're the star of "donny!," usa comedy nairk. that's donnie with an exclamation point. >> that worked well for jeb, didn't it? >> stephen: you were the master of the ad game for decades, one of the biggest and most impressive firms out there-- >> i think you used "legend "in the introduction. let's stay with that. >> stephen: explain to me-- we've got the super bowl coming up this weekend, all the big ads, everybody wants to see them. how do ads work? like, where are you putting the hook in on me, on my braip, my heart, my gut, or right in the groin? how are you trying to get me? >> interestingly, you aim at different part but a great ad is no different than a great tv show or a great piece ofoey. it holds up a mirror to who you are and properties a brand as a value system.
if you like it -- >> stephen: i'm not buying doritos. i'm buying a lifestyle. this sunday, a 30-second ad on the super bowl is $5 million. how do you as somebody who is plan ago you planned a lot of super bowl ads-- how do you get your five mill out of it? >> in this world today clearly you have to go on line. it's not just what happens. it's do you tease online. do you get thousands of impressions? do you get talked about on shows like this? in order to get the bang for the buck you have to go everywhere, so basically it's on utue, it's here, it's there. there is 100 million people watching it on the game but there are 60 million people. it's the same thing how do you get a bang for a buck. tv is a smaller part of the world we see. >> stephen: i didn't realize that. it's very kepressing. why did i take this gig, donnie? i don't understand. let's talk about some of the most famous super bowl ads of all time.
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schoe closed. ll's go a cand a ed. de feal, rfe. here performing his grammy-nominated song, "the driver," ladies and gentlemen, please welcome charles kelley! i'm the driver, bringing their circus to town first one in and the last rolling out shutting down the up all-nighter all the stars and sunrises i've seen every corn field and town in
west to east oh, easy come, easy go yeah we rock then we roll out of town but for now while the moment is here shine a light, drink a beer let's get loud all the drivers and dreamers believers and singers oh, won't you sing with me now? oh, oh, whoa, oh oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh i'm the dreamer soaking up every line searching for truth a the time oh, yeah