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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  NBC  February 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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arpot >> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! whoo! hey! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) hello, everybody! (audience chanting stephen) down here, up there, up there,
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thanks so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. shocking news tonight going to get the big celebrity feud everyone is talking about: donald trump versus the pope. and as america's foremost catholic, let me explain what happened. the pope is in mexico right now, where he was asked about donald trump's plan to build a border wall. and his holiness said, quote: "a person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not of building bridges is not christian. this man is not christian if he has said things like that." (cheers and applause) then trump's okay because he has not said things like that.
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(laughter) okay. because trump wants to build a wall around this country. i wonder where he could have gotten a crazy idea like that. maybe the vatican?! (laughter) (applause) >> places (applause) i am in trouble. (laughter) of course, donald trump responded immediately. >> so the mexican government fed the pope a tremendous amount of stuff about "trump is not a good person." and the pope just-- can you imagine? i just got a call, as i'm walking up here. they said, "mr. trump, the pope made a statement about you." i said, "the pope? what did the pope say?" i like the pope. i mean, was it good or bad? because if it's good, i like the pope. if it's bad, i don't like the pope. >> stephen: you've got to respect his honesty. it is like jesus said, "blessed are the poor, unless they said something bad about me, then
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(laughter) (cheers and applause) i want to try to broker a peace. mr. trump, mr. pope, is it possible that you guys are fighting because you have so much in common? after all, you both think you're infallible. you both sit on golden thrones and you both wear very silly things on your heads. (laughter) (applause) of course, trump had to have the last word. >> so i wrote this out very quickly about the pope. do you want to hear it? >> stephen: not really. because we have got a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) first, i'll be talking to the
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leoni. (cheers and applause) yeah. then i'll sit down with the lovely amanda peet. (cheers and applause) then i'll be talking to my old friend triumph insult comic dog. (cheers and applause) ( band playing ) that band over there is jon batiste and the stay human experience. they are about to kick this off, but before they do, one more thing: a new study found that saying you have minority friends will make you appear less racist. at least that is what my buddy jose said. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight...
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from hbo's togetherness, amanda peet! triumph the insult comic dog! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you so much! well, i'm so glad you guys are here. there is nothing more important to me than being honest with my audience. i learned my lesson the night i tried to pass off a mop with sunglasses as leonardo dicaprio. though it worked out for the mop -- i hear he is dating kate
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so i want to be up front with you and admit that, occasionally, we get paid to feature a sponsor's product on the show. but i have the same high standards for product placement as i do for appearing nude on camera -- it has to be integral to the plot, or i have no and tonight one of those things is true. but i think we have managed to make it so organic, you might not even notice. on a completely unrelated note, i am feeling a little thirsty right now. you know what would really hit the spot? my favorite beverage... the 2016 mini clubman! taste the steering wheel! with six doors and a massive trunk, the clubman is the biggest mini ever. in its surprisingly spacious interior we can fit: civil war re-enactors from opposing sides. that is two confederate soldiers in the front, because they
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soldiers in the back. they're five brothers from the same family, which is extra tragic. but there is a happy ending, because there is so much room in the clubman, they do not need to fight. because as lincoln never said, "a mini clubman divided against itself cannot stand, but they do not have to stand with all that space to sit." war is hell, but this car is heaven. that was tonight's commercial integration. (cheers and applause) but there are just so many stories out there, i can't possibly talk about them all. luckily, i don't have to decide any more because i'm relinquishing editorial control in my new segment: ( audience ) wheel! of! news! >> stephen: here's how this works. we've installed a giant spinning
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sullivan theater with categories -- (cheers and applause) -- with categories like "entertainment," "politics, "sports," and "guacamole." (laughter) though if it lands on guacamole, that is fifty cents extra. when i pull this lever, the wheel spins, then i talk about whatever category it lands on. here's the thing. i didn't give the guys enough time to finish the dome. totally my fault. so here is what we're going to do. so this guy holding the pole right here -- (cheers and applause) this is brendan hurley. say hi to brendan, everybody! (cheering)
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ifthe bernie sanders thing the other night, he was under the desk feeding me sandwiches on plates. brendan is also a scenic on the show, and since we can't get the going to help me with the model we based the dome on, this spinning wheel. we're going to use the model it was based on to do this tonight i'm going to spin the wheel and when it stops, i'll do the thing. you guys ready to play? (cheering) show business! (laughter) you have to make the clicky >> okay. tick tick tick tick tick... tick. >> stephen: keep ticking.
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tick list... tick... >> stephen: okay. it landed on "cheese news." >> ding, ding, ding, ding! >> stephen: the latest hard or even semisoft news about kurdleed dairy. this week, a shocking discovery from the parmesan wars, because the u.s.d.a. revealed that some cheese suppliers of grated parmesan cheese have been adding wood pulp. (audience reacts) is thatthat's right. that's what i said. your parmesan is sporting wood. now they explain this wood pulp is just cellulose which is used as an anti-clumping agent. and sure, "a little anti-clumping agent never hurt anyone." but sometimes it is a lot of it. a sample of parmesan from one grocery chain was 8.8% wood pulp. but on the plus side, your lasagna is as sturdy as an ikea bookshelf. now personally, i am outraged by
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i don't check on what goes into my mouth, but i have always assumed someone does. now! more news! more news! okay. hold on. hold on. you spin it. do you have anything that pulls the lever? give me your other hand. ready in okay! >> tick, tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: oh, oh, oh! oh, looks like it might be mini clubman integration. no, it lands on "mental health." >> ding, ding, ding, ding! (laughter) >> stephen: okay. great, this is a topic that is not covered enough in the media, and it is important to take a moment to shine a light on it. a beautiful light like... the interior ambient lighting
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clubman doors! (cheers and applause) and that's it for "mental health." let's spin again! >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick! (cheers and applause) >> tick... tick... tick... >> stephen: according to a recent study, people who are significantly overweight may perceive distances as being greater than they actually are. which explains the old joke "yo mamma is so fat, her depth perception is wildly inaccurate." (laughter) let's spin again! (cheers and applause) >> tick, tick, tick... >> stephen: click without context! jim!
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let's spin again! i will love you forever for being with me at this moment. which one is this one? "switchblade laws!" like most knife news, this one comes from wisconsin. >> governor scott walker put pen to paper today to sign new legislation lifting the ban on concealed switchblades. the governor says it's a measure protecting freedom supported by the constitution. the ban on switchblades had been in effect since the 1950s. >> stephen: that's right. scott walker has lifted wisconsin's 60-year-old ban on concealed switchblades. i applaud the governor; switchblades are the important issue of 2016. because let's say you are just cruising down to the malt shop with your best gal, only to run into some toughs who want to race you for the pinks to your t-bird. you have got a constitutional right to take out your blade and slice that letter right off his varsity jacket. remember, rumbles can happen
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five-and-dimes, the old aqueduct, jimmy's garage where they let you smoke after school. without your blade, you could end up deadsville, daddy-o. keep in mind, if you are new to it, it is important to toss it from hand to hand. that way they never know which hand you are coming at them with. gimme news... (cheers and applause) >> tick, tick, tick. tick, tick, tick. >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> tick, tick, tick, tick. >> stephen: national monuments! >> national monuments? tick, tick, ding! (laughter) >> stepn: the national park service says a philanthropist is donating $18.5 million to help restore the lincoln memorial. hopefully, that is enough to make lincoln stand up and talk -- like he does at disney
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personally, i think the money would be better spent on the washington monument. that thing looks nothing like him. there you go. (applause) (cheers and applause) let's pretend i spun it! >> tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: five second saxophone solo, hit it, eddy! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: more news! "a recent study!" again. a recent study says humans and neanderthals interbred 50,000 years earlier than previously thought, proving something else is 50,000 years older than we thought: beer goggles. (laughter)
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we're going for entertainment. >> tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick, tick... >> stephen: i've gone around all the way once. i don't think it's on here! >> ding! >> stephen: there it is! entertainment! (cheers and applause) the oscar producers are now promising that this telecast will be "the most diverse ever." that's right, people of every race, color, and creed will be on hand to give a trophy to whatever white person wins. (laughter) >> stephen: well, that's it, folks! let's give it one more spin! it better be on here!
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(cheers and applause) there it is! oh! perfect! we'll be right back with teea leoni! is chk caa or is car ngle is c no cre! kicu
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're back with the lovely and talented teea leoni! (cheers and applause) i understand one week from tonight you are turning 50 years old. congratulations. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: what? i'm turning 59. >> stephen: you're turning 59 years old? wow! wow! well, i mean, still congratulations, but -- i mean you look great for any age, but amazing! (laughter) >> here's the thing... i've figured out that women lie about their age. you should not lie about your age. but they lie the wrong way! (laughter)
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to turn 59? >> no. >> stephen: you're actually turning 50? >> maybe. my point is -- >> stephen: so the point is -- if you lie like women going the wrong way -- >> stephen: so, say i'm turning 40. >> well, if you're turning 40, (laughter) >> stephen: yes. and if i say, i'm turning 59, people are like, wow! you look pretty good for 59! >> stephen: well you look pretty good for any age! (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: did i understand your plan was not to be an happy accident, that you were >> yes. different anthropology. were you going to study native peoples? >> yes! >> stephen: really? and i was very, very good at it. >> stephen: you were good at anthropology? >> i was good at it.
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the anthropology game down! i can deal! do you want to anthropolojize? >> let's do it. >> stephen: i totally get your tribal crap! >> you are so wrong! >> stephen: what kind of anthropology? >> well, yes, that sort of classic anthropology. i was doing it in college, i was very good at it. >> stephen: so why dn't you go for it? >> i was going to go for it and then my dad said to me, before you become an anthropologist, you should go to a cocktail party with a bunch of anthropologists. (laughter) >> stephen: what does that mean? >> that was my first thought. then it hit me and i thought, oh! you know, academics -- no offense -- but it was sort of -- i wasn't really cut out -- >> stephen: so you went to a cocktail party? how did you find one?
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there is no craigslisting for anthropologists. so you hunted down these people -- >> no, i got it. i knew what he meant. i was mad because i thought i found it. >> stephen: so your fall-back position was actress? that was the safe choice? >> no, that was just a little trick i played on my d at and you will get good at it. and that was really smart. that was great advice. heers and applause) so i don't know, i mean, i still to this day -- >> stephen: yep. i didn't think i would make a better anthropologist than an actor. >> stephen: yeah? give me a favorite not your culture that you grew up in that interests you. >> the tiwi indians of new guinea. >> stephen: i knew immediately, yeah, yeah. (laughter) you would have been an extremely
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>> stephen: you really would have. >> thank you. >> stephen: you could have played yourself later. (laughter) teea, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: been a pleasure. thank you guys. >> stephen: "madam secretary" airs sundays at 8:00, 7:00 central on cbs. teea leoni is 73 years old, everybody! we'll be right back! advil, you' bche? sort? eadache? what bulder? in ant .nothrks faster nger adv wh
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poro tge ari,p)esleo m: spl l ig (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be chelsea handler, star of "girls" zosia mamet, and a musical performance by the
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now stick around for james corden. good night! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears


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