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tv   Channel 7 Weekend News at 11PM  FOX  February 20, 2016 11:30pm-12:00am EST

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nouncer: "how to eat an orange during a zombie apocalypse." step 1, apologize to your be friend. you don't have to do this. i haven't turned, jake. - i'm still your best friend. - ( gun cocks ) remember that time when we went to basketball and we were awesome? - ( growls ) - i'm sorry, buddy. ( gunshot ) announcer: step 2, eat the orange. jake: that's a good orange. announcer: this has been "how to eat an orange
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( theme music playing ) ( beeping ) all right, we're gonna do one story tonight, but it's gonna be your favorite story. ( are you ready for your favorite bedtime story, uni-baby? - ( coosos - ( clears throat ) "the night creatures." "parents in the future sometimes have to nd their babies back in time. so they send them into space in baby spaceships. sometimes a baby will accidentally push the ship's 'get out' button.
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where the night creatures will get them." ( roars ) "the night creatures use their claws to transform the babies into baby night creatures." ( roars ) "and send them to planet earth where they wait until nighttime to come out and steal earth babies. but the sun helps keep earth babies safe... for now." okay, uni-baby. ( yawns ) ( snores ) boy: one day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe. that was the day he became axe cop! so he had tryouts and hired a partner. axe cop: i will chop your heads off!! - ( car horn honks ) - ( shouts )
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good morning, honey. you want breakfast? no no no. axe cop and i will grab something on the way to work. hey, don't forget. today's uni-baby's first daof baby school. oh honey, i wish i could go with you. i feel like i'm missing everything. you are, honey. now get to work. you know how axe cop gets when he has to wait. i'm going nuts out here! okay, okay! stop honking. we live in a residential neighborhood. i gotta go. $ ( honking continues ) ( humming ) you guys don't get it. it's crazy. i mean, they grow up so fast. baby school already? in a blink of an eye, i'll be taking her to baby college. and then what? baby grown-up life and she won't need me anymore. she'll be just living her baby grown-up life. you need another minute, sir? he's done talking. i'll have a piece of birthday cake. oh, is it your birthday, officer? no. oh. and for you, sir? the ushe. chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream, pofavor.
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yoyoll have to order om the dinner menu. wait, what's going on? order off the dinner menu? what are there, hidden cameras somewhere? it's breakfast time. oh really? then why is the sun setting, genius? the sun's not setting. it's being stolen. let's go! flute cop: that's madness. who would steal the sun? the sun thieves. we need to find them, kill them, and steal the sun back. correct me if i'm wrong, axe cop, but last time i checked the sun's too hot to touch. that's why we need sun-picking-up gloves. that's perfect. there's a superhero glove store for cops and warriors downtown. we can be there in 10, 15 minutes at the most. not if we drive through this police barricade! grey diamond: whoa-ho-ho-ho! oh no! they're closed. let me handle this guy. excuse me, friend? hi. yeah, we need to pick up some sun-picking-up gloves before you lock up. sorry, we're closed. we're a daytime store. but it's eight in the morning. not at night. tell that to the sun, genius. now i gotta get to my night class.
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axe cop, what are we gonna do? i have the perfect plan. ( alarm blares ) morning, ma'am. yeah, just doing a routine glass check here. it's glass, all right. we're done here. i also got myself some monster gloves for halloween. they're perfect for my wolveye costume. now let's go kill some sun thieves! axe cop: move out of the way! we're in a hurry! axe cop always has the right of way! ( screams ) officer: pull over, axe cop. it's the normal cops. ( groans ) i hate normal cops.. you id it, bro. do you know how fast you were going, axe cop? of course i do. the fastest. i know you're just doing your job, officer, but we are in a serious hurry. someone is stealing the sun. well, that sounds like a job for a normal cop. as it seems to me, son,
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the night creatures are coming. night creatures? that's just a story you read to your baby - to scare it. - wrong. the night creatures are real. ( laughs ) night creatures. that's a nice-- ( screams ) oh no! they're real. shh shh shh shh. okay okay. they're gone. - i think we're safe. - wrong. the night creaturesare going to throw us - off that cliff. - wait, what? axe cop: let's see how this plays out. ( growls ) ( knocking on door ) oh hey, axe cop. everything okay? ( deep, distorted ) we've gotten reports of night creatures in the neighborhood. we need to take your babies until this blows over r safe keeping. okay. whatever you say, axe cop. axe cop! keep holding on, buddy.
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no. - wait, what? ( screams ) ( phone rings ) - hello? - anita, where's uni-baby? what do you mean? i just gave her to you guys. that wasn't us! that was the night creatures dressed up to look like us! the night creatures have uni-baby? anita, don't worry. we're on our way. axe cop, let's go save uni-baby. there's no time. we have to save the sun. but uni-baby needs us. wrong. uni-baby needs you. the world needs me. - ( grunts ) - ( screams ) flute cop, is it really you this time or are you a night creature? you tell me. muah. no night creature can kiss like that. anita, baby, listen to me, and listen good. the night creatures live in a secret cave in e center of the earth. they've put uni-baby inside a very special kind of moon rock
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to save her, we need to be very sneaky. like ninjas. now let's go save our daughter. what are you gonna buy with your cut of the money once we unload the sun? i'm gonna buy an ocean. fill it with good water. you know, none of that salty stuff. then i'm gonna train all the sharks to do tricks for me. you sure this is wherere your uncle told us to meet him? yeah, i'm sure. how can you be sure? we're in the middle of space. i know. that's exactly where he told us to meet him. he told you to meet him in the middle of space? he wasn't any more specific? wait wait. there's your uncle. on his flying dinosaur. uh, my uncle doesn't have a flving dinosaur. it's axe cop. it's axe copopgo! go go! ( grunts ) ( whistles ) uni-baby, where are you?
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( yelps ) keep looking. where are you, honey? ( gasps ) flute cop, i found her. uni-baby. don't worry. mommy and daddy are here. anita, stand back. ( grunts ) - ( growls ) - ( screams ) - watch out! - cover your ears. ( plays a tune ) ( both gasp ) run! we gotta stop them before they disappear into that black hole. axe cop, spike strip! ( both scream ) axe cop, we can explain. this is just a big misunderstanding, mate. i'm sure we can clear this up. i wrote down exactly what happened on this here one dollar bill. see? no big deal. you could not be more wrong, my friend.
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all the babies on earth are probablylyonna get turned into night creatures. you said no one would get hurt, ben. what are you doing using my real name for, scoot? we talked about this. look, axe cop, i got an idea. what if we apologize to you and you let us go? that sounds pretty fair to me. these guys seem pretty sorry about all this. ybe we should just let them go. i got a better idea. ah-ha! teleported them to space jail, huh? no, i killed them. now let's start carrying the sun towards earth. flute cop:p: go go! ( playing a tune ) ( both straining ) we're not gonna make it in time. yes we will. we have to throw the sun on the count of... now! ( both grunt ) - aah! - flute cop!
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anita, baby, we did it. no, axe cop did it. yeah, we did it, buddy. no, i did it. both: lasehigh-five! if your baby is still human, come collect it from the baby pile. here you go. that's a cute little one, isn't it? and this one's for you, sir. catch. but if your baby was turned into a night creature, then you're going to have to remarry and start a new family. ( theme music playing ) new schick hydro versus t t lube strip. with a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40% less frictn.
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to protect from irritation. sorry, lube strip. schick hydro . free your skin . ( beeps ) ( acoustic guitar music playing ) sometimes even though there's nothing bad i can't help but feel a little sad laying on the couch with nothing to do so i'll sing a little song for you things i like when i'm depressed flip pillows so they're cold, it's something i'd suggest these are things i like when i'm depressed - things to like when you're depressed - ( purring ) when the cheese is hot but ththlettuce cold watching the "fraggle rock" intro never gets old squeezing together my tummy fat browse reddit for gifs of cats sit on the floor, it's nice down there pinch my nose to my lip and make a mustache of hair tweak the doorstop so it vibrates
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things i like when i'm depressed open the fridge and close it, that's the best - things i like when i'm depressed... - ( screams ) things to like when you're depressed on p.b.s., watch a documentary discover all the functitis of the commama-option key roll dice alone till you,get yahtzee apply makeup and imagine you've got a goatee download just one mp3 whether pirated or not, it don't matter to me now when depression sneaks up on you - the's always tiny things that you can do... - ( meows, purrs ) things i like when i'm depressed make a fort from blants like it's a quest things i like when i'm depressed little things i like when i'm depressed and now i'm just a little less depressed.
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( beeping ) ( groans ) babies are dumb. anita says i need to spend more time with uni-babyn plus, she can be super helpful around the office. check this out. i wish for my cold coffee to be hot coffee. mmm. hot coffee. - amazing, right? - i wasn't looking. i was updating the list of all bad guys on earth, and there is only one bad guy left to kill. really? when did this happen? last nighthen i killed 7,000 bad guys. oh no. now we'll be out of work. axe cop, what are we gonna do for money? guys, we could get jobs at tom's fruit stand. i'm best friends with tom the owner. he lets me call him thomas. ( phone rings ) - axe cop, this is the chief of the normal police. we need your help. there's a giant robot destroying the city. this giant robot wouldn't happen to be named psydrozon, would it?
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perfect. boy: one day, at the scene of the fire the cop found the perfect axe. that was the day he became axe cop! so he had tryouts and hired a partner. axe cop: i will chop your heads off! axe cop: there he is. ( grunts ) whoa, hold the phone. what kind of swords are those? axe cop: dino-swords. we're getting out of here! this ain't a job for normal cops. i'll chop your evil dinosaur heads off! ( grunting ) oh no! i got dinosaur blood on me. ( shouts ) aw, are you kidding me? i'm a dinosaur now? i'm going to call you dinosaur soldier. ( grunts )
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move! - ( grunts ) - no no, whoa, no no! no! uni-baby! i did it. i killed everyone on the bad guy list. ( crying ) uni-baby, you're alive. uh-oh, where's her horn? oh man. anita's gonna kill me. axe cop, you gotta help me look for uni-baba's horn. no time, dinosaur soldier. we need to see if this thing can do stunts. look, roundhouse. i wish to be a bad guy. flute coco uni-baby, how was your day together-- oh my gosh. where's her horn?! uh, where's her horn? it was just her baby horn and it fell out. that must mean her adult horn is coming in, huh? or the truth is... axe cop threw her at a giant robot
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i looked for the horn, and i just couldn't find it. look, you're a father now. and i can't always be worried if or what you're going to come home as. you noticed that, huh? i can't do this anymore, dinosaur soldier. you don't have to. we killed all the bad guys. it's over. we start our new jobs in the morning. a whole new life starts tomorrow. all right, here you go. two bananas. ( growls ) yo, dudes. who's hungry for apples, because here's a bunch of them. and where'd they come from? apple planet. boo-yah. axe cop, can you help us out with some of these customers? nope, i'm looking through a book about gorillas. gorillas are awesome. i bet they can punch really hard. perfect. i thought i'd miss killing bad guys, but selling fruit, it's pretty cool. ( shouts ) i'm going to call you avocado soldier now. yeah, what's the deal here? why am i the only one that turns into stuff? you're not. look, i'm axe cop with lemon.
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hohomuch for a coconut? hey, baby man. how's tricks? working at a fruit stand now, eh? yeah. axe cop killed all the bad guys. oh, did he? ( chuckles evilly ) all right. i'll see you later. that guy is creepy. yeah, no kidding, buddy. full grown man in a baby suit. ( scoffs ) next. three, four, five dollars. here's your cut, axe cop. axe cop, you c look at that list all night long, but nothing's gonna change. there are no more bad guys on earth. you'll get used to life in the slow lane. uh, hey, bro. you want to grab a mega-gulp and ride the choo-choo train at the mexican supermarket with me? mm, no. suit yourself, amigo. ( imitates train ) ( imitates whistle blowing ) all right. see you in the morning.
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i knew it. "baby man." honey, it's 5:30, and look who's walking through the door. you're an avocado now? that's true, but you're missing the point. i'm safe and i'm home early for game night. when was the last time that happened? well, i guess you're right. and truth be told, i do like kissing an avocado way more than i like kissing a dinosaur. - ( beeping ) - axe cop: come in,n avocado soldier. ( groans ) what? what do you want, axe cop? i was right. there is one more bad guy on the list. baby man. what are you talking about, axe cop? we all know that baby man's a good guy. not anymore, he's not. we're going on a night mission to kill him. i got a better night mission for you. why don't you go home and catcsome zs? don't forget, you've got the opening shift at the fruit stand tomorrow. smells like baby pder. hey, axe cop. baby man. let's have a little play date. back at my baby man cave. no. i don't play
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you know, i really wish you would. ( grunts ) ( -vtters ) this was gonna be my baby headquarters. bringing a certain kind of sweet justice that only a man with the power of babies could provide. do you understand what i'm saying? ( muffled ) i'll chop your head off! you see, ever since i was a baby baby man, i wanted to be on your team. i watched all your awesome fights and i practiced all your cool moves. for my first birthday, i even asked for an axe rattle. like an axe rattle that a baby would have. so you can imagine my excitement when i finally heard you were having tryouts. i waited in line all month just to show you my moves. but you didn't care. babies are dumb. next! you didn't even let me try out. but now,i'm going to make you watch me. you ever listen to rockin' robin on w.a.x.e. radio?
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( woman singing ) when you find love you'll know that you've found everything - when you find love... - ( muffled shouting ) your heart will find such joy and sing when you find love you open up your heart. shake what your baby gave you. i want to hear you say baby's on the team. baby me it. baby man made it on the team. say it. i want to hear you say it. that tryout was gross. what? no no no no no. no. ( crying ) i wish for... a rattlesnake. kill him. to death.
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you didn't even say "uno," avocado soldier. pick seven. avocado soldier, are you even paying attention? ( sighs ) i'm sorry. i i st can't help but think axe cop is in trouble. but i thought you killed all the bad gu on the bad guy list. i thought so too. bubuhe said this thing about baby man turning bad. you know what? i'm just gonna swing by baby man's baby cave, see if everything's okay. hey axe cop, can i be on your team? ( deep voi ) no, you can't. 'cause i'm such a big mean stinky poopy pants. ( normal voice ) ohohthat's okay. 'cause i'm gonna kill you anyway. ( growls ) oh my god. i'm too late. axe cop's dead. yes, he is. wait, what? i let baby man kill me so i could come back as a ghost and untie myself. shh. how are you alive? i just tied you up and killed you.
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secret attack! - ( grunts`) - axe cop, wait. - don't kill him. - why? do you want to do it? can't you see? deep down, baby man's not a bad guy. he's just a dumb guy. ( groans ) well, i guess i can't kill you. i wish for baby man to not be dumb anymore. the power of evil is nothing compared to the power of the human spirit. hey, look at that. little baby man's a genius. now can i be on the team? oh, i wish. there's no more bad guys for us to fight. now that you're a good guy. what about aliens? did you kill all the aliens too? are all aliens good or bad? i don't know. i think some are good and some are bad, - just like people. - ( groans ) there's a huge grey area. it's not black and white with aliens. then i wish for all aliens to be bad so we can kill them. now we're talking. - let's go. - axe cop, hold up.
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can you wish for me to be flute cop again? sure, i wish for avocado soldier to be a gorilla with robo-gun fis and a red bow tie! no no! oh! what?! i wanted to be normal. but i wanted you to be better hey everybody, look at me. i'm riding a train. and i gotta go to the bathroom. next stop, el bao. i've got dibs all night, dude. guess what? my friends are all showing up in just a minute. and we're gonna see how many grown-ups can fit on this thing at once. ( theme music playing ) i think we should've taken a left at the river. tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not knowowhere tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple,
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it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do.
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-class, we have a new student today. his name is swingley. -i'm swingley! -i just said that! now, take the open seat next to... dylan beekler. (kids gasp) (thunder crashes) eh, it's not that bad. i sat next to dylan last week. (screams) i'm swiney. i can draw a map of the united states from memory. wanna see me hold my breath until i pass out? tell me, what cemetery should i put you in? i assume, jewish? okay, i'll show you. (inhales) whoa, you're really turning blue. you could totally die. (snoring) this is real


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