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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 9, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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i guess this is good-bye, then. no. you're wrong again. i gotta do a follow-up on that leg in about six weeks. sure. (elevator bell dings) v*monos, dr. harris. (telephone ringing in distance) good-bye, jana. (button clicks) (radio chatter) (clatters) (charlie) jana! jana. come inside. why? (breathing heavily) 'cause you don't want to do this. i didn't come up here to jump. it's the perseid meteor shower. happens every year in august, and it was on my bucket list. (man) you've got light in the darkness oh.
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did you see that? yeah. ol' perseid puts on quite a show. nothing like a wonder to make you wonder. about what? in our eyes tonight do you--do you believe that there's something, you know... afterward? show the way to the darkness you know, if you'd asked me that question a year ago, i probably would have told you no. for the darkness i'm asking you now. you're not dying tonight, jana. (scoffs) just answer the question. yeah. maybe. maybe thers something more. (siren wailing in distance) you knew about the steroids. the hell are you talking about?
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you think i care about that? i don't know what i think. all i know is that when i asked him where i got the drugs from, he looked at you. i know this must seem crazy to you. it does. i was just trying to be supportive. i didn't want to mess up... again. what are you talking about? riley was born... with both parts. he had both female and male reproductive organs? well, there was nothing in his medical files about a variation of sex development. the doctor recommended that we wait to see which gender he grew up to identify with. but i couldn't. i thought if i chose, his life would be... easier. better. and i wanted a girl, so... does riley have any idea?
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we had the surgery, and i just buried it. never told him. are you looking for me? 'cause i've been looking for you (drum solo) giving everything i got attention kmart shoppers, love rocks when you shop at kmart for valentine's day. how do robots work? you need a team... ...working together... ...doing all kinds of jobs. and the best place to find the job that's right for you is on the world's number-one job site. indeed.
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fortifying the gravity-defying... friend-connecting... day-seizing... strong... new special k nourish. multi-grain flakes with quinoa, apples, almonds and raspberries. new special k nourish. fortify. (whirring) are we the only business thattill uses a fax machine? who's elizabeth stiles? my f.t.m. patient riley. these are his 20-year-old medical records. what are we looking for?
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his mother's kept it a secret from him all these years. that's heavy. when he started to identify as male, she must have felt pretty guilty for making the wrong call. at 3 months old, he has a feminizing genitlasty and is raised as a girl. he also had a pelvic surry to remove abnormal ovarian tissue during feminization. we need to confirm with immunohistochemistry, but that fibroblastic tissue is not a tumor at all. it's 20-year-old scar tissue. are you gonna tell him? someone has to. (tape ripples) lights. yeah. great. (click) (click) cute. let's get this party started. (saw whirs) okay, huell! (huell) hail mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee...
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what time is it? um... actuly, no. no. don't tell me. i don't--i don't wanna know. my hand is sweaty. well... so's mine. (cell phone button clicks) happy birthday. 12:01. mm-hmm. really?yep. feel good to be wrong? yeah. soood. oh. oh. what? oh, no. what? the last 24 hours just came flooding back to me. i... i made an epic scene at work. i maxed out all my credit cards.
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thank you. for what? i didn't do anything but fix your bum leg. yeah. you did. take care of yourself, jana. (whirring) (whirring stops) (exhales) t's move this stuff. right. uh... here, and help me grab this mattress. you got it. all right. all right, huell. almost there. (huell) good, 'cause i am starting to freak out in here. i--i can't breathe. sonj.. sonja, are you still there? yeah? it's okay? i think so. um...
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just--but... be careful! yeah. uhh! i-i get morphine for this, right? oh, d. huell. you okay? i'm okay. i'm okay. oh, god. (knocks) riley? i have some news for you. i've booked an o.r., and we're gonna go ahead with your hysterectomy... unless you'd rather go to aruba. (laughs) you better not be messing with me, doc. i'm not. we'll do the open procedure as originally planned. oh. i don't understand. what--what changed? the mass we discovered in your pelvis-- turns out it was scar tissue from a previous surgery. but i... i've only ever had two surgeries-- my--my wisdom teeth and my mastectomy. he should hear it from you. i can't.
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riley, the scar tissue was from a gender assignment surgery you had as a baby. you had both female and male genitalia. you were assigned female at birth. what? no. no. no. you... you decided for me? i was trying to protect you. how... how could you? i love you. you lied to me. what was i supposed to tell you? (voice breaking) the truth. (indistinct conversations) jana. what are you still doing here? thought i kicked you out.
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well, i told you this isn't good-bye. need to see that-- where's your cast? oh. i... i don't know. i was just... (breathing heavily) okay. (zach) again. (zach) come on. huh.
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may i suggest... tough love, mentholyptus halls with big time cooling flavor. or soft love. milder flavored honey halls with real honey. tough love. soft love. get the love you love. "natural causes." what's natural about a healthy 39-year-old dropping dead? you never know when it's gonna be your time. oh, i did. did she, uh, mention being under any physical or emotional stress? she had premonitions of her own death. uh, she was working off a bucket list. sudden arrhythmic death syndrome affects the electrical functioning of the heart, but there are no structural abnormalities. so it wouldn't have showed up on any scan? no. looks like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me. damn it. don't, uh, have the body removed. charlie...
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i'll look after it, okay? (machine beeping steadily) hi. your surgery was a success. thank you. welcome to the world, mr. riley stiles. (laughs) i'm going off shift. is there anything you need for comfort? ginger ale? "gq"? is she still here? she's been pacing outside the wholtime. (whispers) can you get her for me? of course. thank you. how you feeling? uh, crampy. last time.
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i love you. you know that, right? well, duh. (laughs) (laughs) it's just--i... i think it's just gonna take some time. i'm not going anywhere. i mean, it's an exciting day. and i want my mom here for it. oh. this... th came for you. it's my student card. you look handsome... son.
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i'm sorry, jana. for what? for not saving your life. you did the best you cou. i mean, you listened to me. you believed in me. you're gonna be going away soon. will you stay with me? i mean, just till i do? girl shouldn't be alone on her birthday. yeah, i'm still your doctor. i'm not going anywhere. interesting feeling, this. kind of like bouncing on a trampoline. just suspended. i think i'm losing my mind.
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from these old records that she bought at a flea market. she was fun, too. anyway, the one that she used to sing to me, "v*monos," was about this woman who runs off with an outlaw to a place where they... where they won't be judged for who they are. so is this who i am? who else is there to be? v*monos. (horns honking in distance) no sepsis. hey. soft tissue infection's clearing up nicely. just a slight contusion from... (sighs) from--from when he fell out of a wall? yes, but he should be good to move to selby house in just a day or two, so yeah. oh, joel... thank you.
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so, um, how was--how was the big glamour shoot? according to alex, the key to a winning photo is to be thinking of a secret. so all i had to do was think of today's escapades, and it was... i had a secret. anyway, i think we should celebrate. i'm starvin uh, i'm thinking, like, late night/early morning waffles. (siren wailing in distance) i don't--you know what? i don't think that i should. okay. what's going-- this is not an "i don't feel like waffles" look. this is-- joel... (sighs) i've had so muchun with you. right? and you are--i mean, you are an unbelievable guy. and i mean, you're--you're amazing with ryan, and-- but what? (stammers) i just--i guess i've been waiting for, you know, something to shift, you know? for... (sighs) for you to lk at me different. and--and today, i realized why that can't happen. why?
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alex and i have a lot of history. and it doesn't-- it doesn't matter how much i like you, joel. i just--i don't... (sighs) i don't think that i'm up for that. i'm sorry. (whispers) bye. (the neighbourhood's "sweater weather" playing) whoa whoa, oh whoa whoa whoa, oh whoa whoa whoa, oh 'cause it's too cold both your hands in the holes of my sweater and it's too cold
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the holes of my sweater hi. my name is luke, and i am an alcoholic. (audience) hi, luke. thank you. that felt kind of nice. um, i've been clean for almost three months now. today is the day i air it all out. my story. (lowered voice) what are you doing here? so here that goes. when i was 12, just starting to understand what it meant to be a man, my pop died. and my mother, god bless her soul, she went off the rails. she's a drunk... like her son. then i became a mec, and things really got interesting. i took an... ambulance for a joyride... across the border. and i hit bottom a few months ago. my sister--she was there. she was there to pick me up, you know? like always. she dragged me, kickinand screaming,
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she's it. she's, uh... she's the reason i'm here. she's the only reason. (indistinct conversations) thank you. i am so proud of him. yeah. thank you. yeah, welluh--ooh. i would sort of reserve your gratitude. it's, um, it's worse than hospital coffee. good stuff. see? so wre's charlie? i don't know. he said he was gonna be here, but... well, that was uncomfortable, wasn't it? you were great. thank you. i appreciate it. what are you doing here? did you hear that? i did hear that, man. oh, man. you were stellar. you're being sweet. you're being sweet. well, i don't know. i think we should celebrate. let's go somewhere with decent coffee, and...
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i like waffles. waffles? i could eat. okay. whers charlie? i don't know. stuck in traffic, ya think? (jos\ alfredo jim\nez' "v*monos" playing) v*monos donde nadie nos juzgue donde nadie nos diga
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(hearts beating in unison over monitor) look. there are his feet and there's his head. they're exactly where they should be for 22 weeks. two babies. gonna be a handful. two handfuls, actually. (beeps) okay. now it's time to leave the good stuff. you've been having increased pain and vomiting? yeah. this morning i could barely stand up. all right. let's have a look at the tumor. (heartbeats continue) tumor is mid-sigmoid. (beeps) proximal sigmoid looks free. (beeps) what? the trick is to get it out without disturbing the uterus. but we can do it. (exhales) (hearts beating) you're enjoying that sound. (laughs) yeah, i'm addicted. dr. kalfas hooks me up every time. that's nice. sorry i'm late and sweaty. the game went extra innings. hey. you are-- you must be the lucky dad. (carrie) he's my doctor. jason kalfas. maggie lin. you're an o.b.? mm-hmm. no way. baseball jersey threw me off. can we talk for a sec? yeah. okay.
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it's a clean cancer, but it's still cancer. the tumor's grown significantly in the last two weeks, and she's starting to show signs of bowel obstruction. we can deliver those babies in less than two months. are you sure we can't wait? we should operate today. since this is an emergency procedure, i can get an o.r. in an hour. what's your approach? normally, i'd do an extensive node-clearing excision. but in this case, our objective is get the tumor out and take a limited resection. in and out as fast as possible? absolutely. if you don't md, i think i'll stick around. sure. you might want to hit the showers first, jeter. okay. you didn't find that weird? what? he is an obstetrician/gynecologist. what womanould want a drop-dead gorgeous man like that staring between her legs? you know what i mean. i need to book an o.r. could you talk to . kalfas about carrie's prenatal history? charlie and i are supposed to have a quick lunch. sure. leave me alonewith the good-looking o.b. see if i care.
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(alex) we only have a half an hour. (charlie) that's enough. so, what were you guys talking about this morni? who? get out of here. (woman) sorry. um... uh... does... you and my brother. you were very secretive when i walked in on you this morning. it was nothing. um... we'll talk about that later. (both moaning) aah. what's wrong? (exhales) um, nothing. i just... i remembered something. what did you remember? nothing. that always seems to be an answer with you lately. well, some things you don't want to know. if luke's in trouble, i need to know. i didn't say he was in trouble. i said that... well, what is it? come on. we only got a couple minutes. let's just... no, no, no, no. not until you tell me. (exhales) i handed him his jacket this morning, and a bottle of pills fell out. what kind of pills? it was vicodin. he said they weren't his, but... he's a liar.
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why don't you just wait a couple days, and maybe he'll tell you himself? yeah, right. come on, luke. answer the phone. weren't we in the middle of something fun here? the fun has coded. you pissed? you think? you're pissed. (police radio chatter) luke! you should wait for the cops! (luke) hey. (cell phone ringing) you gotta talk to me, man. you gotta tell me your name. craig. (rings) what's up, craig? how you doing? (ringing continues) who's calling you? i don't know. it's my... sister. (ringing stops) i'm gonna call her back. luke, i thought you were working your program, which does not include carrying around a bottle of downers. did you think he wouldn't tell me? i'm going to call until you answer, and then i'm going to yell. (sniffles) this job was it. it was all i had, and then they canned me. okay. hey.
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let me ask you something-- are you familiar with the, uh, principles of ld50? no. no? okay. well, i'm gonna tell you. ld50 is a dose of a toxin that'll kill 50% of a tested population. now we're up, what, 40 feet? that's ld50 for a fall. do you know what that means, craig? craig, that means you only have a 50% chance of dying. understand that? i'll take those odds. you sure about that? because if you don't die, craig, do you know what happens? i'm gonna tell you. you're gonna break your neck, you're gonna break your back, okay? massive internal injuries. i'm gonna go down there, i'm gonna throw you on a stretcher, i'm gonna take you to the hospital, and they're gonna save you, craig. just so you can spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair, sucking food through a straw. is that what you want, craig? that's not what you want. you don't want that. right? (crying) i don't know... okay. okay.
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you understand? so let's go down. let's think about it. you might change your mind. anif you still want to go for it, we can just find you a higher spot, all right? you're not high enough. come on. all right. yeah. all right. good. go slow. go slow. (shouts indistinctly) (men shouting indistinctly) (cell phone ringing) (gasps) (man) stay still. (ringing continues) okay. this is not funny, luke. i'm heading into surgery now. i'll be out in a couple hours, so call me. (coughs) don't move! (groans) luke, don't ve!
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for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. see car insurance in a whole new light. liberty mutual insurance. (luke) any vitals? no, man, he's v.s.a. you gotta let me dress your wound. (breathing heavily) listen to me. i need a bone doctor. it's a segmental fracture, okay? we gotta get you stabilized first, and then we can discuss-- clayton, shut up! look. this is my bone. what do you want me to do? i need you to call someone, okay? okay. zach, you busy? no, what's up? let's move. what's going on? got a 40-foot fall. leg impalement. fracture of e proximal femur. multiple abrasions. that's just for starters. and you know this how? 'cause i took the call.
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there you are. i've been looking for you. i need to talk. uh, sorry. i got group session in one minute. i gotta run. please? it's important. come find me after? i'm feeling weird. okay. (rips) hmm. you're eating your cup (clacks) oh, sorry. i-i'm hungry, i guess. oh. maybe we should grab some lunch after the surgery, then. um, i... i have a boyfriend. no, i didn't mean it that way. he's handsome, too... in a different way than you. okay. (monitor beeping steadily) carrie. hi. you ready? my babies are gonna be okay, right? yes. but during the surgery, my priority will be you. i'm a 42-year-old pregnant single woman with bowel cancer. operable, garden-variety bowel cancer. you're lucky. no, what i am is terrified. i'll blucky if i come out of this surgery with both babies, and the cancer gone. and any other story is a tragedy. this is a straightforward procedure
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hello. dr. kalfas. i'll be watching from the gallery. if you need anything, just shout, i'll fly in. like superman. i'll see you when you wake up. (door closes) we'll scrub in. (chuckles softly) maggie. (police radio chatter, men shouting indistinctly) (siren whoops) okay, give us some space. (clayton) he's a.o. times three. good distal c.f.m. pulse is tachy at 110. thanks for coming. i wouldn't miss it, pal. miller. luke. he's lost a lot of blood. pulsatile. it's okay, man. i got it. thank you. (luke) aah! aah! luke, can you feel your toes? ugh. i think so, yeah. crepitus, the chest. prably a fractured rib. looks like a distal radius fracture, as well. good news, that neurovascular bundle's intact. oh, i'm finding it hard to get excited about that right now.
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okay, difficult news... we pull you off this thing... i'll empty like a water balloon. we have to cut it. cut it? (alex) liver is clear. (air hose hissing, monitors beeping steadily) so is the rest of the peritoneal cavity. i'm gonna check the primary area. maggie, are you able to tell me the components of the tumor? maggie? what? wow. i'm a space cadet today. um, 'cause i... sorry. not focused. um, t.n.m. components include tumor si, positive nodes, and metastatic disease. just checking. stay with me here. mm-hmm. (alex) okay. no inter-abdominal metastases. proximal sigmoid is mobile. rectosigmoid's clear. okay. ugh. part of the tumor is stuck to the side of the uterus. can you get under it?
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might be able to peel it off. i just have to... do you mind backing up a little bit? i need some room. umbilical tape? mm-hmm. okay. kelly. yeah. and pull up on it. mm-hmm. cautery, please. (exhales) i don't like being this close to the uterus. (beeping) got it. you did it. i did. now let's get that tumor out. uh-oh. (beeping) it's amniotic fluid. her water just broke. kalfas. did you nick the uterus? i might have. can the fetus survive this?
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(exhales) don't worry. we're gonna get you out of here in no time, man. i'm gonna call alex. no. don't, joel. i mean it. i'm not gonna put her through it. just get me out of here, i'll talk to her in person. (saw motor revving) (man) step back. (loud buzzing) aah! aah!
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making levian the essential part of her jewelry wardrobe. that's why..she went to jared. (cell phone rings) where are you? well the squirrels are back in the attic. mom? your dad won't call an exterminator... can i call you back, mom? he says it's personal this time... if you're a mom, you call at the worst time. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what yodo. where are you? it's very loud there. are you taking a zumba class? (vo) what's your dog food's first ingredient? corn? wheat? in purina one true instinct grain free, real chicken is always #1. no corn, wheat or soy. support your active dog's whole body health ur with pina one. i did it... do it... take the nature's bounty hair, skin and nails challenge. if your hair, skin and nails don't look
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i did it... and i feel beautiful. visit naturesbounty.com for details. fall from heights. impaled and through the proximal thigh. open segmental fracture of the femur. g.c.s. 15, heart rate 125, b.p. 80/50. put another line in. bolus saline, amp of tetanus, gram of cefazolin. we can't put him in the c.t. like this. yeah, no kidding. let's prep a lateral x-ray, please. on three. one, two, three. (labored breathing) that's a hell of a gap. yeah, that soft tissue injury's gonna be bad. yeah, that lower fracture's clean, but the proximal one's... hey, charlie. look at that. four, five pieces. hey, you page me? i did. let's walk. wow. pretty much my sentiment. that your best view? unfortunately, angles are limited for obvious reasons. what would you do? what can you do? you pull it out, see what happens, react. (joel) yeah. i don't remember the last time you paged me for a consult. i'll do you one better. you wanna scrub in? the patient is luke reid. does alex know? he doesn't want her to know. hey. charlie.
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(monitor beeping steadily) (hearts beating over monitor) hey, uh, how's it going in here? not now. (monitor beeps, hearts beating) fetal heartbeat's slowing. indicates cord compression. at least they're in separate sacs. baby's dead within a few hou. she can still have one healthy baby. what about caesarean? look, we--we can't do anything with the compromed fetus without putting the healthy one at risk. the chances of survival outside the womb right now are basically zero. i'm sorry. they're just not viable. so there's nothing we can do? she has to go around with a fetus dying inside of her? we can induce in six to seven weeks, where she'll most likely have a healthy baby. considering her case, that's already beating the odds. you know what, dr. kalfas? if you have nothing else to offer, i need to finish this surgery.
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let's get the leads off. i can't concentrate. okay. cautery. (joel) so i take it you didn't tell alex? no. she needs to concentrate on her job and we need to concentrate on ours. looks like we're clear of the mess now. let's get a retractor in there to protect that neurovascular bundle. thank you. okay. that should do it. i pull, you pounce. you got it. on three. one... two... three. (squishing) (monitor beeping rapidly) ligating. suction. (suction whooshing) that is a mess. a lot of missing bone.
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by the time we fish those bits out, i bet there's, i don't know... 15-centimeter gap in that bone. as much as the kid drives me up the wall, i don't feel like chopping off his leg. taylor spatial frame? no. there's not enough there to work with. no one's ever lengthened an adult more than a couple centimeters. what about replanting the ssing bone? mnh-mnh. it's not viable. i mean, there's no longer any blood supply in there. what is your success rate on a total femur replacement? 20%, if i'm being generous. you? yeah. it's thereabouts. okay. let's build this kid a new bone. you wanna do a masquelet? i don't see anher option. you ever done one? yeah, i have. once. and? the pig seemed very satisfied. okay. that'll have to do. (monitor beeping steadily) (inhales, exhales) (knocks) carrie. hi. i wanted to check on you,
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i know how it went. i guess dr. kalfas talked to you? he told me one of my babies is... dying inside me. (cries) and nobody's doing anything about it. i am so sorry. but we will make sure your other fetus is healthy. we will put you on antibiotics, monitor both of you. you know he's stilalive, right? (crying) his heart is slowing down, but he's still alive. i think that he's a fighter. i do. i think he wants to live, and i think... i think that we should induce labor. but i'm sure dr. kalfas alrey explained to you... they're pre-viable. they won't survive. (crying) i can't... i can't lie here
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how am i supposed to do that? how do i do that? (sniffles) i know it's awful. but your other baby will continue to grow and develop. carrie, you had a very difficult problem. it was threatening your life, and we've looked after that. it'll be a while until the pathology results are in, but i'm very confident that we got all the cancer out. so you will be around to raise your baby. (breathes deeply (crying) i'll be back in a little bit. dr. reid. hey. you all right? no. i'm a general surgeon. i see a probm, i intervene. that's the difference between general surgery and obstetrics, i guess.
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smallest baby i ever delivered was under 500 grams. she was 24 weeks along. she was born blind, she had bronchopulmonary dysplasia, and she spent the first and only month of her life in an incubator. before she died of heart failure. but for that one month, boy, did i ever want to do something. carrie's been trying to get pregnant for four years. she sold her house to afford the fertility treatments. sorry. i shouldn't be taking this out on you. hey. uh, i've been reading about inter-amniotic injection of platelets. i think we should try it. uh... what's that? it's the amniopatch. you inject fluid and plasma into the amniotic sac. it can create a patch to prevent further leakage. why are we not considering this? because it's still experimental, and it's not widely practid. but basically, it's like doing a reverse amniocentesis, right? uh... i guess. what are the risks? uh, well, for e, the substance can cause a drop in the fetal blood presse, the substance can cause a drop in the fetal blood pressure and heart rate, which can be lethal.
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okay, but the truth is, i've never done one. so? let me take a look at this. i'm thinking that's a "yes." do you mind if i borrow? bor-- oh, sure. borrow. borrow whatever you need. i can't think straight around that man. (indistinct conversations, baby crying) hey. hey. isn't charlie working trauma today? i... i don't know. he--he was. well, where is he? i don't know. he's... (exhales) probably with joel. okay. and where's joel? with charlie? (chuckles) zach, you have exactly five seconds to tell me what's going on. (joel) lisa, give me the vancomycin.
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(suction whooshing) alex. he's fine. honey. he's fine. is he gonna lose his leg? not if we can help it, no. why didn't you tell me? because he specifically asked us not to. and you listened to him? charlie? you were in surgery. so what? i'm scrubbing in. alex, you can't operate on a family member. you have nothing to offer this surgery. you will only slow us down. so please get out of here and let us work. (sighs) okay. (suction whooshing) (charlie) suction. (suction whooshing)
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this is a body of proof. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatiarthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage and clear skin in many adults. doctors have been prescribing humira for 10 years. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira. humira.
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12:29 am
(whirring) (whirring stops, monitor beeping) why am i not surprised that we're here? this kid attracts trouble. he was trying to help someone. (beep) guess he should have waited for backup, then. he's in a million pieces right now, mate. he's irresponsible. right, but it might not be the time for you to be mad at him. look, he's not a bad kid. you knew h when he was 19, joel. yeah. it's okay to be a mess when you're 19. he's pushing 30. (whirring) (beep) she worries all the time. you don't know what it's like. i do know what it's like, actually. (whirring)
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(whirring stops) (whirs, stops) we're stabilized here. his heart's in the right place. okay? this is bad luck. i don't know. fell five stories, he's gonna live to tell about it. his luck not all that bad. (monitor beeping steadily) (dr opens) he's all good. joel's just closing him up. (inhales and exhales sharply) he's okay? yeah, come on. these... capable hands? next time, you tell me. okay? (sighs) your little brother's in one piece.
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thank you. gavin, i need therapy. (door closes) i'm all ears. i'll even give you a discount. something is wrong with me, and i need to get it off my chest. okay. today, i have had to work with a really good-looking-- i'm talking sex symbol-- obstetrician, and he's really thrown me off my game. i'm--i'm all sweaty and weird, and i started to think, wow, maybe i'm lacking vitamins. but, no, i think... actually it's--it's dr. kalfas. and you're telling me this because... because--because you're my guy, and i don't want to keep secrets from you, and i think that you are very good-looking, in a real, sweet way. as... opposed to the manly sex symbol way?
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(siren wailing in distance) i feel better. cool. you're good. thanks for coming by. love you. yeah. mm-hmm. (monitor beeping steadily) (breathing deeply) (exhales) what were you calling about? it doesn't matter. is there anything i don't screw up? not much. you stir life up. (exhales) that's why people love you. (chuckles) is that right? mm-hmm. (inhales deeply)
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i'm just unlucky. (sighs) hmm. it's like the wishbone, you know? remember the wishbone? (laughs) (chuckles) (snickers) you always got the big piece. you remember that? i never did, not once. ah. it's not like my wishes always came true. well... they mostly did. well, the only thing i'd wish for right now is for you to get better. (exhales) you know what? i can't get my hands on a chickenone right now. maybe this will do. make a wish? (exhales) got it? pull. (snaps) (both chuckle)
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(groans) ah, you see what i mean? (chuckles) i'm unlucky. i'm... cursed. no, it's just a... (clatters) stupid piece of plastic. it was a dumb idea. it was a dumb idea. yeah. but you know what i wished f? what? i wished... i wasn't a drunk. and that we can back to the old man's camper. some beer. just a little bit. some caps, a little game. you know? those were good times. (chuckles and sighs) (exhales) are you ash-- are you ashamed of me? are you kidding me? no. no. okay.
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hmm. let's not talk about that now. (indistinct conversations) what, gavin? can i ask you a question? yes. you're a good-looking dude, don't you think? yeah. i think i'm a good-looking guy, you know? but i'm not objective, so... on the good-looking scale, what would you... what would you think that i am? like, objectively. if you had to rate me. 7.38 if you had your shirt tucked in. (elevator bell dings)
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