tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert WTKR February 12, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
it's only molly with one... "l". moly. jackson? yes. may i have a word with you? sure. you need to look at this. what is it? their offer. the answer is no. just look. six? seven zeros. ah, yes. why? i don't have a clue. but that offer is nearly two times the market value of the vineyard when you bought it. i appreciate what you've done, trying to save my life's work, but that offer is enough to pay off the bank loans. you can go to france. start over with some really good land. and me? i'm staring at retirement. she's asked for full disclosure as to who the owners are.
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the owners want a full accounting of all assets before they consider your offer. that's nice. you're telling me this why? well, if my people do it that mig take three or four months. we're not fully staffed right now. i don't have the time. well, then no deal. sorry. ok, fine. i will find someone. i don't know they're really picky about who has access to these areas. you'll have to do it yourself. you're kidding. i mean, i'll be here to help. you know i've moved on. didn't ask. his name is greg. don't care. and i want no misconceptions about my intentions. hey, look.
so don't expect me to be happy about this. what about you? what about me? surely you've moved on, dated. oh, yeah. for sure. i met- found a woman. she's great. really? yes. what's her name? raphael...ee. rafaelie. rafaelie. that's a manly name. named after her italian father. well, you clearly haven't lost your kind and unselfish disposition. we can be friends. not possible. what? impossible to be friends after a break-up. you said it yourself. ok, fine. business associates. fine. i'll see you tomorrow.
at first i thought he was this hot, naked farmer guy, and then i figured it out. and then i tried to keep him occupied. i know you did. did this whole past thing blow your deal? is everything ok? everything's fine. besides, i'm more worried about you right now. ( giggles ) i have never been better. please, let me help. romeo! there you go. that tequila? top shelf. i can get some more. maybe bring it to your place- call me. ole! hey molly?
that's destiny. yeah. ( sports on tv ) yeah! yeah! shoot! yeah! no! come on! what are you doing, de la goa? boo! can you believe that? he had the shot and didn't take it. what a jerk. molly? molly? yeah? you ok? i'm good. mind me to pick you up some ritalin. help you focus. hey rick. here's your beer.
what'd i miss? de la goa totally blew this wide open shot. no way. way. btw, jerry's new assistant is an eleven on the richter scale. not possible. how old? you think i checked her id? twenty-one. black jack. i gotta meet her. come by the office tomorrow and i'll intro you. sounds good. hey, um... greg? hey, um, mol? honey bunny? i'm going to head home and finish some work. i've got another busy day tomorrow. ok, sure. hey, i uh... got what you asked for. just in time for a valentine's day proposal. yeah, brother! how much? first, i gotta tell ya, it's been making serious rounds with the guys. bill sold it to shane because of the whole stripper incident, who sold it to nick, but he got divorced because of the office party,
his girlfriend was sleeping with bill. they all think the ring is cursed. how much? $300 awesome. what are friends for? yeah! shoot! goal! yes! score! ( cheering ) hey, two shots of whiskey! doubles. ok. $20, i get her number. what've you got there? 555-2982. you sly dog. that molly really did a number two on you. and i'm not talking about the perro. the one that got away. you want to talk about it? no. ok. the burgers are almost done. you know what really gets me though?
we had something real. and as much as i've tried to ignore it, i'm always going back to thinking about her. molly was right, you know? i came to new mexico looking for her. i stood outside her apartment for an hour and i still couldn't bring myself to knock. you should see a doctor. i'm broken-hearted, not crazy. ok, so you really want this girl back? more than anything, but she has a boyfriend and she hates me, and she kinda thinks i have a girlfriend. oooh. rafaelie. oooh. yeah. that's a dude's name. yeah. ( phone rings ) it's her. molly or rafaelie? if it's moy, don't answer. que te dije? hi. i'm going through your yield reports and i have some questions. don't give in to her. take charge. you are the man. what kind of questions? ow! are you ok?
is someone there with you? romeo, and he's just leaving. come on! jackson? rafaelie! no, get away! you want this girl back? you listen to me! get back! jackso ( imitating a woman's voice ) papi, are you there? who's that? is it rafaelie? um... papi, the burgers are almost done. she sounds spanish. i thought she was italian. um, italian on her father's side. her mother is spanish. papi, who are you talking to? that better not be another woman. my latin blood just drives me to kill. ( kissing sounds ) molly, i'll have to call you back. ( kissing sounds continue ) perfect. oh, papi, you're the best. you're the best. she hung up. and if anybody ever finds out about this,
i did you a favour. you really want molly back in your arms? you gotta listen to the latin lover. and i suppose that's you? i'm undefeated. i even found my third uncle a wife and she's blind. i'm a pro with the ladies. tomorrow at your meeting, when her man is texting her, what are you going to do? sit there, watch her laugh, and feel sorry for yourself? self pity no es buena, my friend. this is what you're going to do. you get mujer caliente to text you, too, and then molly starts to think that maybe she let someone worth while go. women are covetous creatures, my friend. play the game and you will get molly back. you're forgetting one thing. rafaelie doesn't exist. si, amigo. she does. virtual girlfriend? no. it works, i promise! give me your phone. hey, give that back.
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is a flower in bloom not yea flower unless it is spring? i have pondered this as the seasons change and grapes wither on the vine. if i were to see carmen again, what would i say? tomorrow the wind blows. tomorrow the soil gives life. tomorrow i may see her. perhaps my words will win her heart. ( message alert ) molly, how are you this evening? in turmoil. i saw an old friend.
there's not much to say. he broke my heart. could you find it somewhere in your heart to forgi him? i don't know. hey. sorry. you're fifteen minutes late. did you get caught in traffic? i should have id something. i teach at the cultural centre. teacher? yeah, uh... three days a week. hey, um, a couple months after you left i sold everything and i made a few investments and i should- we have a lot to do. i have some paperwork that i need you to look over
special delivery. oh, you can put those in my car, i don't want them. they're not for you. they're for him. me? yes. from rafaelie. she's gone out of town, back to spain. do you need anything? i'm ok. ok. like i was saying, your last yield doesn't match what you had forecasted. the champagne grapes are one example. can you hold on? hello? ( computerized voice ) it's a call from rafaelie. i want to tell you how much i love and miss you. i miss you, too. i miss you so much. your voice makes my toes tingle. i can't talk right now.
i don't know. when will you be home? when wilyou be h- ok, i'm in a meeting. i'll call you later, ok? bye. my loins yearn for- she's nervous. hasn't seen her father in years. i'm sorry, where were we? white wine. ah, yes. ( phone vibrates ) . and... now i'm good. ( phone rings ) ( laughs ) greg? hey, baby. i ordered your crew lunch, should be there around noon. oh, sweetie, you didn't have to do that. anything for you, honey bunny. hey, i was also thinking that we should throw a party for valentine's. that sounds fun. ( phone vibrates ) i know sunday is technically valentine's, but i had this crazy idea that we could ring it in like new year's on saturday night. what do you think? i think that is a wonderful idea.
great! invite all your friends. ok, i will- just send me all the information and i will pass it alo. oh, and thank you so much for all of the flowers. ( laug ) righteous. much love to you, honey bunny. ok, you too. ( kissing noises ) ( laughs ) ok, can we get back to work? hold on. yes. hold on. ok. yes. that's funny stuff. so, uh, the champagne grapes. right. now, if you want to take a look at this overere... yeah, he wants to ring in valentine's day like new year's. it'll be romantic. ( giggles ) that's what he said. hold on, i've got another call coming in. it's greg. i'll call you back.
excellent, i will meet you by the back gate. ok. he bought us all lunch. who does that? don't worry about it. it's probably a couple of pizzas. delicious, delicious pizzas. greg, this is amazing! well, you are what you eat and you look like you at a snuggle muffin this morning. oh, you're so sweet. oh, jackson, this is greg. thanks for lunch. my pleasure. so you're the guy who squeezes grapes. yeah, if you mean make the wine i... i oversee that. sorry, what do you do? greg is a stockbroker. how many mexican stockbrokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? romeo. just juan. juan's the name of my brother. i love stockbroking.
gives me more time to spoil molly. well, she certainly seems spoiled. not too spoiled. i do have a meeting, though. you just got here. can't you at least eat with us? a few minutes with you is all the nourishment i need. be strong, my friend. i'm trying. nice meeting you, jack. enjoy your lunch. love you, honey bunny. companeros, almuerzo. this is a gift from my boyfriend, greg. these specially prepared dishes are all organic and vegetarian and they will make you feel very healthy. please, enjoy. let me translate.
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( spanish guitar music ) do you hear that? yeah. ( singing in spanish ) i'm guessing ralph is short for... yes. can you excuse me for a minute? ( singing continues ) romeo! romeo! it's ok, you don't need to follow me anymore. it's ok, thank you amigo, how's it going? tell them to stop, please. ( speaking spanish )
seriously? her man looked like thor. i needed bigger guns. ( phone brates ) what? one hundred text messages? between you and this virtual girlfriend it's all driving me nuts! i can't take it anymore. jackson, calm down. calm down. maybe you should plan a vacation with raflie. she's not real! i know that! i was kidding about the vacation. but i wasn't kidding about you needing to be more sensitive. more sensitive? around molly. treat rafaelie with sensitivity. listen to her feelings. like your favorite neil diamond song. forget it. no more. but it's working. you can't quit now. working? she thinks i dating a crazy person! tomorrow is phase two. she falls in love again, i promise. fine. but no more bands! i promise nothing.
ah! no more. it'll be fun. ringing in valentine's day like new year's? the boy's lostis mind. ok, i admit, i would rather spend some alone time with him. good luck breaking greg away from the rickster. ( laughs ) hey, look at this. what are you doing on jackson's page? i'm checking him out. is that his girlfriend? ok, no checking him out. he's off limits. besides, his girlfriend rivals greg with the gifts. off limits, huh? does that mean the old flame has a little flicker? there's no flickering. does greg know? know what? about the sordid history? i am telling greg nothing. men get so paranoid. why can't a woman work with her ex and feel absolutely nothing but pride in her professionalism?
ok, let's rewind. maybe... i admit, maybe sometimes i feel a little, tiny, almost microscopic spark, but that's totally normal for two people who have a past. i knew it. trust me, it ends there. i have complete control of the situation. i'm sure. i do. yep. toy was totally confusing. do we choose when our heart will move on, or is love completely out of our control? we should allow our heart to take us where dreams dare not go.
are you gonna check those? oh, yeah. later today i'll be checking the acid levels. i meant those text messages. yeah. rafaelie, right? i saw photos of her, she's really pretty. pictures, where? on your website. you saw my website? liz was curious. ( message alerts continue ) it could be important. i seriously doubt that. oh! ( phone smashes ) ok, well, i guess no more messages from rafaelie.
i can't believe we did it. yeah. 50 years of stuff in there. some of it good, the rest not so much. still not enough to justify the counter-offer. i... i don't know what i'm gonndo. i'm sure you'll figure something out. so... when does rafaelie get back? well, i'm not so sure she's coming back. oh? she hooked up with her ex in spain. i'm sorry. oh, no. no, i'm good.
and that storm came in? dancing in the rain? yes. oh, the double rainbow. yeah. i wish we had that photo. that was once in a lifetime. once in a lifetime. ( phone rings ) hi, greg. yes, i will come pick you up. no, no. don't drive anywhere, that would be stupid. clearly you've had a lot to drink. yes, and the rickster. alright, i'll be on my way. don't move. i have to go. i heard. um, listen.
i don't want you to lose your job. no, please. don't go out of your way for me, i'll be fine. look, i really should tell you that- no, really. it's no trouble. you're good at what you do. i guess i'll see you around. yeah. yeah. i'm sure. ok. bye. ok. what are you doing? i had to know what stage we were at.
i was worried about the effectiveness of phase two. so i got this postcard from rafaelie breaking up with me. nice touch. it's the touch of a master. now it's time for phase three. no more phases. you'll like this one. no, i said no. we've had luck so far, but it ends now. but there's no more mariachi bands, i promise. but there is so much more. phase three is like a shaken pop can of creativity. once opened it will explode with foamy brilliance. what's in phase three? we crush the competiti. always with the crushing. why do you have to crush people? it's what we do. we work in a winery. ok, fair enough. to the jackson-mobile. i have to find a parrot.
guys, guys, guys! enough! enough! please! enough. i think i'm gonna be sick. no, no, no, no, no. ok, ok. this way, this way. go, go. ok. hey. do you wanna, you know, tango? no. no, greg. i don't want to tango. ok, ok. ok, i gotta walk- oh. you ok? yeah. much better now. oh god, no, no, greg, no! ( snoring ) a single ember is all it takes to start a forest fire. today i found that ember still burning in carmen.
our lives once again intertwined. perhaps this time our fire will not fade but burn for the eternities. please tell me that piata is not part of phase three. no, man. it's for my little brother's birthday. why do you think the world revolves around you? nah, i'm just messing with you. yeah, it's for you. how is that for me? it's one of the many surprises that will launch molly back into your arms. ( message alert ) what is it? molly dawson just reached out to jean-luc pierregain. what? no way. we'vbeen chatting all week. why are you not telling me this? i didn want you to exploit it. it's sweet, simple stuff, you know? about? lost love, romance... everything i want to talk to her about.
jean-luc is smooth and suave. you're neither, my friend. he's not real. i made him up after i developed the website. and why did you do that? because he's more interesting than me. bingo. here, let me respond. no. molly, how was your day? my heart spoke to me, but i didn't want to hear it. isn't it better to love than carry pain? if only life were that easy. complications stand in my way. we build our walls and we can rip them down.
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i'm staring at it right now. and you're sure it looks like me? sort of. i was pretty drunk last night. i'm sure rick will remember. i'll call you back. greg- rickster, did you makea piata of my face? woah, how did you- sorry, mol. i had toave my assistant hack your computer. i want to accept this counter but all i've gotten from nancy is like sixteen texts why i shouldn't. but it's nearly three times market value. no, no, no. i can talk them down.
i make like half a million a day on interest alone, so why would i care about price? now, can't you just tell them i agree? not without nancy's approval. i can get in trouble. i'll do anything. i'll up your commission five percent. she's gonna find out. if she finds out we accepted the offer, then i found a new real estate agent. ok, there's a friend of mine who manages the vineyard. if i do this for you, you keep him on as manager. bummer. no can do. you just said you would do anything. this deal is a corporate merger. the management from my organic food line is in charge, not me. you can still try. jackson runs the place. he brings serious value. ok, i'll do what i can. but right now i need an answer. he accepted our offer. that's unbelievable. jackson, you are the majority shareholder and ultimately this is your choice.
you've done a fine job maintaining such a huge online presence, bro. i'm impressed you figured it out. i have my ways. sorry i had to snake it off you like i did. i couldn't pass on the price. i think my next vineyard will be in france. oh, i love paris. the wine, the women, the song. ( laughs ) i'll have the real estate group and my lawyers draw up the contracts on monday for everything. that'll be fine. and now i'd like to view more of this awesome winery. ( phone rings ) i can have romeo give you the tour. do you mind? no problemo. this way, seor. let's roll, amigo. hey. jackson. i've got some great news. what's up?
and the owners are gonna sell. that's wonderful. you don't seem very excited. there's a deal point that i'm still fighting for, but it's- it's looking good. excellent. hey, so we're having a party tonight to ring in ventine's day. you should come. plus, it's your birthday, i didn't forget. thanks for the invite, and remembering. listen, there's something i need to tell you about the owners. ( parrot ) greg loves molly. oh my god. molly, are you ok? yeah. you- you were saying? you know what? we'll talk about it in person. tonight. good. i- i think there's a few things we should talk about tonight. i'm glad you're coming. me too. i wouldn't miss it.
thank you, gorgeous. ( phone rings hey, baby. enou, ok? no more presents. i've had enough. what are you talking about? my office is completely full! i can't take it anymore, ok? honey bunny, i only sent flowers. i was just expressg my love. try a text message. ( parrot ) greg loves molly. molly. my office, now. crap. ( parrot ) oh, crap. she'll get over it. yeah. jose. he's letting all of us keep our jobs! ( laughs ) great news. how's it going with molly? she's asked me to come to her valentine's party.
phase three was a success! now onto phase four. you get your woman back and become a man. romeo, look. i'm thinking of putting my own spin on phase four. careful, amigo. phase four is very delicate. ok, hear me out. jean-luc is courageous. he is expressive and poetic. he totally owns it. totally true. but i gotta own him. i invented the guy, so technically he's me. tonight i'm going to be more like jean-luc and i'm going to be 100 percent honest with molly. you're scaring me, amigo. yeah, i got a beach house in cabo with a hot tub. tequila sunrise. hey, liz.
i have something planned tonight. i never would have guessed it. look. oh, greg. no. i'm going to ask molly to marry me. you need to calm down. i need advice. rick told me that i should propose in front of an audience so that molly's too embarrassed to say no. but i really want her to say yes because she means it, but then it has to be perfect. so, how do you propose? um, well, first thing's first, you start on your knees. ok, good. both or one? both. ok. should i sing?
romeo! hola, liz. you look fantastic. thank you. happy birthday. so this is new for me. thank you. valentine's eve. greg's brainchild. a toast. to a job well done. cheers. yeah, i bought this dress specifically for tonight. i like it. it's like camouflage roses. and then you end it with a plea for your life. that's intense. you got all that? i think so. good. really good. molly, listen.
but i need to tell you about this deal point. no, no. let me go first. i don't know how else to say this so i'm just gonna put it out there. i own- molly. we finally get to meet in the flesh. this party is smokin'. radical idea. randall, i would like you to meet the manager of broken heart. manager? as if. jackson's no poser. how're you doing, brosef? hey. you guys know each other? oh yeah. we shared a bottle of sick chardonnay just this afternoon. couldn't buy broken heart without meeting the owner first, right dude? your offer was ver very generous. thank you. ( alarm goes off ) oh, times up. you know what that means, molly. adios amigos. wait, you're- you're the owner? yeah. i don't feel so good. it's just nerves, buddy. you got this. you got this. yeah. yeah. yeah, i got this. yeah. yeah.
ok. i've been trying to tell you. molly- hold on. i- when were you going to tell me? yesterday? the day before that? molly... i was going to tell you tonight. i was worried sick about you losing your job. molly! what? oh god. this went straight past go and right into weird. rick? yeah? what are you doing? moral support, brother. moral support. greg, what is going on? all- all my life i've searched for a woman that gets me and compliments my style. i like that. it's cool. and, well, well i- molly. ( snaps fingers ) molly. i'm proposing down here, honey bunny. um... will you marry me?
jackson? huh? jackson? vanessa? vanessa? what are you doing here? oh god. greg? ( vomiting ) what? are you talking to me? you do kinda look like your daddy. ( baby gurgles ) are you talking to me? are you saying hello? yeah. are you talking to me? hey, that's cute. you with a baby. go away. you're scaring the baby and you're drunk. i am not drunk. i'm just intoxicated by you. hey little baby, baby, baby. ( baby crying ) baby, baby, baby, baby. greg. what?