tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 17, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
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ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) ? thank you very much! yes! ( "enchanted" stephen ) audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thanks so much. everybody in here, out there, all around the world, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. i'm so glad everybody is here right now. how's everybody doing?
we've all got our happy place. personally, i'm a little tired from all the chance we're giving him. it's exhausting. hope that works out. hope and chance. trump's transition is transitioning. don't know a lot about what's going on, but do know that his team has not yet called the pentagon, possibly because he knows more than the generals. or maybe he's never going to call them. he'll just launch a literal tweet war. "@pentagon, please bomb syria. #lyingnewyorktimes." l-lying! ( applause ) it's funny 'cause it's true. ( laughter ) or maybe the pentagon's line is down.
always keep it with me. let me just give them a little call right here. ( ringing ) >> hello, you've reached the united states pentagon. if you are calling about a country you'd like to invade, press 1. for hours of operation and status of ongoing wars, press 2. if you are president-elect donald trump, press nothing. seriously, do not press any button. please. i love my wife and kids. to be working. give them a call. just give them a call. ( applause ) and if you're one of those folks saying, "i don't want to live in a world where donald trump is president," you might not have to because this was the hottest year on record. and trump wants to pull the country out of the global warming treaty which seeks to limit rising temperatures, desertification, extinctions of
sounds bad, but at least fans of "mad max: fury road" won't have to wait long for a sequel. of course, trump doesn't even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted "the concept of global warming was created by and for the chinese in order to make u.s. manufacturing non-competitive," and calling global warming very expensive bull-( bleep ). of course, "very expensive motto for trump university. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but now chinese officials have responded to trump's accusation with a strongly-worded statement, and i'm going to read this in the original mandarin.
i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. don't know what it means, but -- adding, the chinese will continue to fight climate change, "whatever the circumstances." hold on. things have gotten so bad that china is telling us to care about the environment? have you seen beijing? no, you haven't because it's hidden behind their air. and there's another voting shock this week. the election came as a surprise to some people as the young lady noted before the show when we were talking. yesterday, boston red sox pitcher rick porcello won the american league cy young award over the tigers' justin verlander. there was some controversy over the vote count and verlander's fiance?e kaptte uason w not happy, tweeting, "hey @mlb. i thought i was the only person allowed to ( bleep ) @justin
somebody should wash her thumbs out. look, kate, i get you're disappointed, but there is a traditional way to react when you or a loved one loses an award. we've seen it a million times on the oscars and the emmys. the camera is on you and they announce the other person's name, and this is what you do. ( applauds ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: based on a true story. ( laughter ) speaking of awards, the oxford dictionary has named its word of
first of all, that's not the word of the year-- that's the two words of the year. hyphens are for the weak. second, post-truth is just a rip-off of my 2006 word-of-the-year "truthiness" ( cheers and applause ) yeah. you hear that? you hear that? truthiness. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: which, according to thi "the quality of preferring concepts or facts one wishes to be true, rather than concepts or facts known to be true." for the record, that's not the definition of truthiness, either. where's this article from? nbc? #lyinnbc. ( laughter ) if you want to know what truthiness means, you know who to ask: stephen colbert. "truthiness: noun-- the belief in what you feel to be true rather than what the facts will support."
now, check out the definition of post-truth: "relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief." i personally believe i'm getting ripped off, but the experts have decided it's the word of the year, so i've got to be gracious abou. post-truth. ( applause ) ( applauds ) but everyone's coping with the results of the election differently, from having a drink before bed, to venting on social
it backstage ten minutes ago. and some people are turning to-- how should i put this? god's green herb. people on "team green." wacky way-safer-than-tobaccky. because this week, denver voters approved a law allowing bars and restaurants to give patrons the option to use marijuana alongside a cocktail or meal. that's right, waiters at denver restaurants will now say "do you want fries with that, and do you want to get fried with that?" ( applause ) now, you still can't smoke indoors, and you'll have to stay in designated toking areas. i assume, your dorm room with a towel under the door, or any van with a wizard painted on the side. and this might just be the beginning of colorado's pot business boom because the law also allows for non-service establishments, such as yoga studios, to set up pot-smoking areas.
i knew the whole time, yoga! oh, no, it's healthy for you. i knew it! ( applause ) i have been to hot yoga. that smell couldn't have been just from the people ( laughter ) so marijuana-friendly bars are a go, and denver's tourism council is already rolling out their new ads. ( cheers song ) ? making your way in the world today takes everything you've got ? ? take a break from all your worries, relax and smoke some pot ? ? don't just hot box in your car ? ? you can smoke it in a bar ? ? where everybody knows your name ?
? you want to go where you can smoke ? ? plenty of mary jane ? ? seriously, though, one more time -- what's your name ? ? bob, larry ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) amy adams is here, so stick around! my mother passed 2003, but she always told me i don't care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree. sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. (phone ringing) answering machine: hi, leave a message after the beep. (beep) hey mom, this is larry. i just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. love you.
i feel like that if the customer had the new cold brew, it could take them back to maybe a fond holiday memory that they had with their families. now we're putting in our sweet cream. i'm excited for my customers; i think they're going to love it. i think i'm going to love it. says it won't let up for a while. hould we do? ...tailored to you. wait it out. equipped with apple carplay compatibility. ? now during season's best, get this low mileage lease on this cadillac xt5 from around $429 per month, or purchase with 0% apr financing. this weekend at kohl's it's time to get ready for the holidays so deck the halls dress to impress for the school concert
jon, i asked you this last night. i didn't check in again at the end of the show. >> yeah. >> stephen: are you coming to thanksgiving dinner this year? >> oh, yeah,ivy be there. >> stephen: excellent. do you have any allergies or anything like that? >> jon: no, no food allergies. >> stephen: we'll find out. ( laughter ) my first guest is a five-time oscar nominee who has starred in "enchanted," "the fighter," and "american hustle." her latest film is "nocturnal animals." please welcome the loveld ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: hello. hi! >> stephen: nice to have you
>> i'm amy adams. nicely to meet you. >> stephen: nice to meet you, too. >> my daughter wrote you a note. she's backstage. >> stephen: "hi. i'm vianna. nice to meet you. ." >> and she drew you a little picture of a flower. >> stephen: hi, avianna -- is that right? the only thing i know how to draw is snoopy. >> there you go. >> stephen: i made a friend. awesome. >> stephen: do i get to keep this? >> yeah. >> stephen: give this to her daughter. >> we'll sort it out. >> stephen: i was talking to jon about whether he's coming to thanksgiving dinner with me this year. are you set for thanksgiving? >> i have plans, going to some
>> yeah, lots of different choices. >> stephen: how many in your family? >> seven kids. i understand you're -- >> stephen: one of eleven. not a contest, but i'm winning. where do you fall? very important in big families. >> mid. trouble. yeah, trouble. >> stephen: desperate for attention. >> we were all desperate for attention. >> stephen: i was desperate for seconds. >> oh mix god, i never ate fast enough to get seconds. >> stephen: it's prison eating, this action right here. >> and still to this day if someone goes after my food, i get mad. like my husband, we cut the food in half. i'm, like, if you want some, there's your third. if he reaches over, he's really violated some pact. >> stephen: did your mom have a rule for how they cut and shared the kooky? we had a very specifics rule. whoever cut the cookie, the
>> ah. >> stephen: that's solomon right there. we were getting protractors and calipers to make sure the platonic ideal of the cut. >> no, we were more like "lord of the flies," one of the biblical books. >> stephen: is your husband from a big family? >> no, one of two. >> stephen: my wife, too. our big family swamps the >> yeah. >> stephen: how do you introduce your family? >> we have been dating two weeks. there was something about him. i was, like, well, before we can figure out if this is going to any further, i brought him to my sister's wedding and he survived. >> stephen: what number date was this? >> uh, i mean, you know, two weeks of hanging out. >> stephen: okay. my daughter's backstage. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i understand. i understand.
>> stephen: you took him to the family wedding. >> i did, i took him to my sister's wedding. >> stephen: put handcuffs on him. >> i know. he survived in a wonderful way. they all liked him. he sat through a two-hour sing along. and anybody that can can put up with my family -- >> stephen: do they have a sing along? >> yeah. >> stephen: you have a lovely voice. my family loves to sing and everyone thinks they've got a great voice. ( laughter ) >> yeah, i know how that goes, too. >> stephen: you know what reallye >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: so are you going to meet your family, his family? >> his family this year. we try to switch years. >> stephen: as a kid, big family car trips are really hard to do. how did your family handle seven kids. one car? >> one car. like a ford econo liner and we would all lay on the seats. my dad would leave at 3:00 in
thanksgiving, and kids would lay one on the seat, one on the floor, one on the seat, one on the floor, two in the back over the suitcases, they built something, and then there was -- i know. can you imagine how much trouble we would get in nowadays? and then a gymnastics mat spread across the top where i would sleep. >> stephen: my mom would do the same thing. she would put a crib mattress back in the station wagon add stack us l this way, three that way, then line us up like in a tent and smoke the entire way there. awe would never have to be embalmed because my mother smoked us. >> a lot of people who don't come from big families don't understand the road trip. >> stephen: we got there. exactly. >> stephen: you have a new move where called "nocturnal animals." >> i do. >> stephen: directed by tom
brilliant director. >> he is. >> stephen: you play a somewhat sad, unlikable character, susan. >> i'll go with sad. i learned to like her, but i get what you're saying. >> stephen: you have to like your character. >> she's kind of a privileged person looking at her life and not really liking the choices she's made that led her to this particular unhappiness. >> stephen: and your ex-husband in the movie has written a book and sent it to you. >> yes. >> stephen: and you spent a book. >> reading, yes, sir. >> stephen: and brilliantly. i really believe you know how to read. >> there's a lot more happening. ( laughter ) i just ran over you there. there's a lot more than just me reading. >> stephen: yeah. uddenly i thought of all these people going, like, she just reads for the whole movie? ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, but you do a lot with your facing while you read the book. you're earning it. >> i'm earning it. >> stephen: we have a clip.
explaining your emotional state. jim? >> you know me. i never sleep. my ex-husband used to call me a nocturnal animal. >> what ex-husband? i didn't know you had an ex-husband. since when? >> a couple of years, in graduate school. it's weird, i have been thinking about him a lot lately and recently he sent me this book that he's written and it's -- violent and it's sad and he titlt he dedicated it to me. >> did you love him? yeah, i loved him. ( applause ) >> stephen: we're going to take a little break and be right back with more amy adams. ( cheers and applause ) ?
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: we're back with amy adams. she's the star of the new film "nocturnal animals." now, in this movie as we saw in the clip before the break, you and your husband have split up, and he was, in the story,ou guys were childhood sweethearts. he was your crush. >> yeah, he was my crush growing up. >> stephen: did you have a crush growing up? >> i did. i had a huge crush on leonardo dicaprio, not in titanic, but in growing pains. he was super young and really pretty. >> stephen: does he know or is this how you're telling him now? >> yeah, this is probably how i'm telling him. i worked with him. >> stephen: you never
>> no, nothing kills a crush like working with somebody. not in a bad way. >> stephen: you mean killed it in a great way? >> in a great way. that was over. but you get to know him and it's not like the fantasy of the person anymore. >> stephen: it's the real person. >> it's leo. >> stephen: you guys have something in common. you have been nominated five times for an academy award and haven't gotten it yet. >> yes. >> stephen: it's time, it's time. enough of the leo! >> i got to watch leo get his and that was cool. >> stephen: it's it's your turn now. >> lifetime achievement down the road. >> stephen: yeah. talking about before, while it's not the only thing you do in the movie, you read a book in the movie. you do a lot with your face. because we're experiencing the story that your ex-husband has written. >> yes. >> stephen: and you do so much with your face that sometimes we have people on that are so great at acting without saying a word, revealing their internal monologue.
"late show"'s eyebrow theater. you're allowed to act from the chin up and eyebrows down. i'll give you one of these cards if you don't mind. i will read your internal monologue. jim, if you can get a shot at amy's face. i will read your internal monologue, and you will act out the thoughts that i am putting in your head, okay? these are your thoughts, but i am the internal monologue. ready? >> yeah. >> stephen: now it's time for "late show"'s eyebrow theater. can we have just soft, internal monologue music? ( piano music ) ? >> stephen: i wonder if this person can tell i've forgotten their name and i'm just smiling and nodding politely? totally buy it. ( applause ) you read one for me. >> ready? wait a second -- what if everyone on westworld is a
thrones" is a robot? ( applause ) >> stephen: okay, here we go. ready? you have a real emotional state here. >> okay. >> stephen: some anger here. ready? john? ? the next person who tells me flammable and inflammable mean the same thing is going to find out if they are. >> you've got a nice stillness at the end. i'm going to steal that move. >> stephen: i've never been nominated for an oscar, though. >> there's time. there's time. am i just happy to be here, or is that a gun in my pocket?
( applause ) >> stephen: okay. if the characters in "nocturnal animals" are in a novel within a movie, what if us watching that movie or ourselves just characters in a novel watch ago movie about a novel that people are watching right now? oscar! oscar! ( cheers and applause ) "nocturnal animals" is in select cities tomorrow and nationwide december 9. amy adams, everybody! we'll be right back with simone biles.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! my next guest is a five-time olympic medalist and the most decorated american female gymnast of all time. her new memoir is "courage to soar". please welcome the extraordinary simone biles. ( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: so happy to meet you! >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here! ( cheers and applause ) i'm just happy to look at you. i have so many happy memories associated with you. are you still high off the olympics? >> i think so just because there is there hasn't been time to show everything down yet. >> stephen: wow, i'm still high offer your olympics.
gold medalist in vault, floor, individual, team, all around, bronze medalist beam, won the individual all-around by a 2.1 margin larger than the 1980 to 2012 combined scores, three-time all-around world champion. how has your life changed since your olympic debut? because you were already a big deal before the olympics. what's that next level like? >> i guess more people recognize me everywhere i go, but i try to keep everything the same and i haven't changed everything i've done. >> stephen: so you walk down the street, do people say, don't flip! >> i get different reactions wherever i go. >> stephen: what's your favorite. do you have a favorite reaction you've gotten from somebody? >> some will cry and scream but i'm like, it's okay, it's okay.
might be this one here? there is president obama attempting to do a split. >> yes. >> stephen: with you girls on the team. >> yes. >> stephen: how did he do? did you give him scores? >> i think he got a 10 because he's not used to doing it and he tried it in a suit so that's bonus points. >> stephen: yeah. # i'm guessing he got like a 7.5 from the russian judge, though. ( laughter ) it's called the tour of champions. >> yes. >> stephen: kellogg's tour of champions. what's that like to be on the road? how long are you out living sort of the -- >> dream? >> stephen: is that the dream to go out there? >> afterwards, i guess so. we were gone two and a half months. >> stephen: so two and a half months in a tour bus? what's that like?
nerves? >> sometimes. but it's good because you're touring the country with your best friends. >> stephen: do you have groupies? guys hanging around backstage waiting for you to finish with flowers and stuff like that? >> actually, sometimes, yes. >> stephen: that's why you have security. >> exactly, we do. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, can anyone learn or do you have such a unique body type that you a if you were my height and musculature, could you do any of the stuff you do because i have trouble doing setups sometimes. >> stephen: it would take a lot of work but i wouldn't say you can't do it. it would just maybe take longer. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't have that must have time left. so now you have a book called
motion, a life in balance. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. how high do you go? ( applause ) i assume this title is because you're so famous for the heighth you get when you tumble. how high do you go is this. >> probably twice my body length. i'm not tall, so about ten feet. >> stephen: what do you think about when you're up there? because you stay up there for a long time. >> i don't know. sometimes it just goes blank. i don't know. >> stephen: do you ever get do a tumbling pass or something, the things we're watching thinking, oh, my god, i would kill myself if i tried that, after you've done it for the hundredth time, are you thinking, what am i going to have for dinner tonight? >> all the time. >> stephen: really? i'm, like, pizza, let's go. >> stephen: when you do a flip, let's say on the balance beam, and you land on curled toes because i've seen that
looks? >> sometimes it can be painful but you try not to show that side. you just keep going and pretend it didn't happen. >> stephen: i understand the pretending part, but it's actually very painful, isn't it? >> sometimes. sometimes i want to jump off the beam and curl up in a ball but i don't. you don't see it. >> stephen: the judges usually take off .2 a point for curling up in a ball. >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: one of the things you talk about in this book is you're very open about your life and how you were raise grandparents. >> yes. >> stephen: you included the stories here about your motherhood, your biological moth who are had substance abuse problems and the fact you had an experience in foster care in your early life. why did you want to include that in the story? why is that important to you? >> i think it's important for kids to know that you don't have to grow up in certain environments to make something good out of it. i was in a foster home and now i'm, like, an olympic gymnast,
them to know. you can really make anything out of whatever you have. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, can you do something for me? i want to learn one thing. >> okay. >> stephen: is there one thing anybody could learn? something you could teach me, a tumbling move or some part? what's the easiest thing? >> since you said you have a lot of time left, i could show you how to stick something. >> stephen: okay, show me how to stick something right hoar. here. what's the sticking part? >> the girls do something different from the guys. >> stephen: okay. a stick it is when you land it perfectly at the end, right? >> right, and then do your salute. >> stephen: what do the guys do? >> the guys do like this and scream like crazy.
>> stephen: you do it and i'll copy you, all right? ( cheering ) can i jump down from this? >> yeah. ( applause ) >> stephen: aaahhh! "courage to soar" is out now. back with jeff watson! then i'd say expand your horizons. i'm very open-minded! no no, expand your horizons. it's the name of a smoothie. yeah, i see they have bee pollen. two of my favorite allergies. trust me, john grows half this stuff in his own backyard. it's true. two of my usuals, please. add spirulina. is that a... noodle? it's his first time. mmm. that's almost as good as a milkshake. cheers!
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) this gentleman right here is my next guest and he's been a bear handler for 28 years. he stars in a new series on animal planet called "project grizzly." >> it's strange, even i can look at a bear in the wild and it really doesn't seem to have a personality to me, it's just a bear. but you live with them, and
personality. that bear just almost seems human like, if you will. easy, bob. easy, bud, easy. easy, bud. i'm talking nays about you. be nice to me. easy. i'm not saying bad things, so don't do that. if people think i'm afraid of my bears, i kind of am. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bear man, jeff watson! jeff, thanks for being here. >>nk so, obvious first question, what is wrong with you? how much time do you spend with these bears? >> enough. enough to stay alive. as far as what's wrong with me? i went to muhamad ali's house and i took a big kodiak named brody -- >> stephen: you took a bear to
>> does that sound strange? i put my head in the bear's mouth and he said, you crazy! when muhamad ali tells you you're crazy, you're probably crazy. >> stephen: how do you get started working with bears? what is the work you're doing with these bears? >> well, in the past, i did a lot of commercials and tv shows, but my interest was always in it was never in doing commercial projects. that facilitated feeding the bears. they're expensive animals. we're taking two captive born and raised bears and seeing if i can release them into the wild. can i teach them what they need to know and what instinctively will come to them when they get to the wild? >> stephen: how did you get started with the bears? these are two grizzly bears you have now? >> yes. >> stephen: do you work your way up? do you start with gummia bears
you didn't just jump into a pit with bears, right? >> well, my high school counselor didn't say i would be a bear trainer. i had a disease that paralyze med when i was 20 years old. i had a mid life crisis at age 20. i had an opportunity to get a bear cub. a guy had one. and i thought i could do that. they didn't tell me that's how grizzly adams died. nbc lied to me about that. you might want to watch your contract, they don't tell you everything. >> stephen: which one of your bears is going to turn on you? >> none of them. >> stephen: that means both of them. you've got a healthy fear of them, right? you have to have a healthy respect for them. >> well, i have a healthy respect. >> stephen: how big are these bears. >> about 700 pounds apiece.
bigger than me. >> stephen: well, can they get bigger than that? >> sure. i had kodiaks. that's the biggest brown bear in the world. i had brody and he was 1200, 1300 pounds. but can't kill you any deader than a 700-pounder. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm just wondering what part of this conversation i'll play back at your memorial. ( laughter ) why do you fascinated with bears? because bears have such an iconic -- i'm afraid of bears. people thought my old character was, like -- he was afraid of bears. that's one thing he and i have in common. i dream about bears. if things are going bad in my life, i'll dream there's a bear between me and a goal i have. why do you think bears are so iconic? >> they're like us. they have forearms like us,
bipedal, walk heel to toe. the native americans said i'll follow the bear and see what it's. 80 to 90% are omnivorous diet. a lot of things about the bears are like us, so i think that's why we hold them in high regard. >> stephen: let's say i'm out in the wild. what kind of bear would by safer running into? i don't want to run into into a bear in the wild, what do i want to run into? >> one that's already eaten, already had lunch is good. >> stephen: is it a grizzly or -- a black or brown bear more likely to come at me and eat me? >> statistically, you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning in a national park than attacked or killed by a bear. black bears tend to attack you
aggressive when they're acting offensively. brown bears tend to attack you defensively. let's say you're in yellow stone park and surprise a grizzly mother with cubs. she perceives you as a threat and may try to eliminate the perceived threat and try to kill you, so you play dead. black bears rarely attack when you surprise them. black bears, it's a rare case where a blackberry wants to kill so fight back with a black bear, play dead with a brown bear. >> stephen: i lie down -- you don't want to just lie down and say, come get me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: obviously,ip not trying to seduce the bear. does that work at all? >> i've never tried it. no. >> stephen: all right. pretty intimate photograph. i don't know about that. >> gets lonely in the woods.
where i come from. ( laughter ) now, you've got kids. >> yep. >> stephen: you've raised bears and kids, how would you compare them? which is easier? >> kids can embarrass you at wal-mart, bears can eat you. so figure it out. >> stephen: it's a coin toss. yeah. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: nice to meet you. "project grizzly" airs saturday nights on animal planet.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be william h. macy colin quinn and musical guest drive-by truckers. now stick around for james corden and his guests, eddie redmayne and jessica chastain. good night! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by access.wgbh.org ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show