you sound like tarzan reviewing the season premiere of "the morning show." person woman. man. camera tv tarzan give five stars the timing of this psychotic episode couldn't be any bleaker because the media just spent a full news cycle falling for the same ruse they've consistently been suckered into for the last five years, the idea donald trump has changed his tone on the coronavirus pandemic and then using the word "ruse" very charitably here normally a ruse would be like an international terrorist mastermind constructing an elaborate plot to lure james bond into his volcano lair while he prepares to attack the world's oil reserves with a giant laser. in trump's case, his team just gets him to read a prepared statement by slipping a valium into his big mac the way you'd hide your dog's arthritis pills in his kibble. meanwhile, secret police are abducting and attacking peaceful protesters in portland and the president says he's sending more federal officers into cities across the country like chicago. so let's compare his approach on the two issues of protesters and the coron

. >> but he said -- i took parker, he was four years old, to see "tarzan. and i thought, it's too hard to explain this to him. he's never going to understand it and about halfway through the movie he stood up on the movie theater seat and screamed, "that monkey's my mama!" [ laughter ] and the whole audience cracked up and i was like, well, he did understand it, you know? >> seth: he did. you mentioned your son blake i believe -- you know, obviously we have great respect and appreciation for our essential workers during this really scary time your son blake was one of those, yes? >> yes, he was working at a grocery store for the first, like, month and a half and i was panicky and saying to him, "please, my son, come home." now my other son, my oldest son, who's 24, is in the marines. and as much as i say that to him, he can't come home, you know >> seth: right >> i say the same thing to him every day. "parker, can't you come home?" "mom, i'm in the marines!" "i'm aware, sweetheart but isn't there, like, a mommy neurosis leave that you could get for the next

"space cold for tarzan but tarzan good at rockets." [ laughter ] what we've seen once again this week is that trump and his lawyers have no defense for his obviously corrupt behavior, which is why their desks are empty and their republican allies are leaving the chamber and ignoring the evidence. even if he's acquitted by the senate, trump may very well spend the rest of his life in court dealing with legal challenges and indictments, or as they're technically known >> lawyer lawsuits [ laughter ] >> seth: this has been "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ♪ we'll be right back with more "late night," everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks," be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. ♪ [ car engine revving ] this one drives a volkswagen passat. good ideas catch on fast. good, clean food, even faster. order panera for delivery, catering or rapid pick-up at panerabread.com. where these sun-soaked litea leavesactory. are picked at the peak of freshness. for a naturally smooth taste. and drinking lip ♪ hershey's. the original cook

altogether. [ laughter and applause ] trump turns everyone -- trump turns everyone he works with into tarzan. it doesn't matter how smart you are. if shakespeare had worked for trump, the line would have been, "be or not be. that is question." [ laughter ] the problem here is pretty straightforward. trump thinks he should be able to just ignore the law. we've seen the same thing play out this week over his tax returns. for months, trump has been building toward a confrontation with democrats in congress over those tax returns. trump has promised for years that he would eventually release them. but he has repeatedly used an obviously false excuse, that he's always under audit. it's an excuse he started using in 2016 and has continued to repeat as recently as last week. >> are you going to release your tax returns? >> at the appropriate time, i will release them. but right now, i'm under routine audit. i don't mind releasing, i'm una and as soon as the audit's finished, it'll be released. look, as i've told you they're under audit. they have been for a long time. they're extremely complex. peo

any more sense than tim apple. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] tim cook apple sounds like how tarzan would describe someone making a pie. [ laughter ] "tim cook apple. tim eat apple. tarzan love tim." [ laughter ] second, the story you want us to believe is that you didn't say "we appreciate it very much, tim apple." you said, "we appreciate it very much, tim cook apple." [ light laughter ] if you're going to lie, at least improve your situation. [ laughter ] "officer, i have not been drinking, because i was doing too much cocaine." [ laughter ] and even the people in the room thought trump's lie was bizarre. according to "axios," republican donors in attendance called it one of trump's weirdest lies ever. "'i just thought, why would you lie about that,' one of the donors told me. [ laughter ] it doesn't even matter." [ laughter ] no, it doesn't, but trump lies about stuff that doesn't matter because he lies about everything. trump lies for the same reason forrest gump runs. he just does. [ laughter ] "lie, forrest, lie!" [ laughter and applause ] so, when that version -- when that v

it's official, we elected sheriff tarzan. [ laughter ] but think about that, trump says he wants to stop crime, but he's backing an accused child molester over a prosecutor who convicted the kkk. which tells you that when he uses the word crime, that's not what he really means. he doesn't want to stop crime, he wants to stop immigrants, refugees, or his political opponents. for years we've heard republicans call themselves the party of law and order, and now trump has revealed what they really mean. trump talks tough when it comes to mexicans, muslims, african-americans, and women. but if you're a white man who happens to be close to trump or support his agenda, the strongest thing he can say is this. >> all you can do is you have to do what you have to do. >> seth: this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with dax shepard everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks" be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. ♪ at t-mobile when you holiday twogether, great things come in two's. like t-mobile and netfl

disaster is bearing down on our country it would be nice to hear from a leader who knows more words than tarzan. [ laughter ] hurricane bad. [ cheers and applause ] much wind. not good. cheetah save. [ light laughter ] deep cut. president trump tweeted this morning that his team is already in florida in anticipation of hurricane irma, saying, quote, "no rest for the weary." which explained his follow-up tweet. [ laughter and applause ] when asked today if he is considering military action against north korea, president trump told reporters, certainly, that's not a first choice, but we will see what happens. which is scary because trump doesn't usually go with his first choice. [ audience groans ] [ cheers and applause ] in response to criticisms in hillary clinton's upcoming book, bernie sanders said it's appropriate to look forward and not backward. though if anyone should know, you sometimes have to look back to see the future, it's bernie. [ cheers and applause ] new research claims that vegetarians and vegans are more likely to be depressed than carnivores. i'm not surprised. even the place

write that tweet, that's way too many big words from a guy who's reading level can best be described as tarzan. [ laughter ] but trump's announcement apparently caught actual military officials off-guard, because he began his announcement with this vague tweet. "after consultation with my generals and military experts, please be advised that the united states government will not accept or allow," and then he left that up, by itself, for nine minutes. [ light laughter ] that's like if you girlfriend said, "you know my new trainer, jeff?" and then didn't say anything for nine minutes. [ laughter ] the tweet was so a vague it apparently caused panic at the defense department. according to buzzfeed, at the pentagon, the first of the three tweets raised fears that the president was getting ready to announce strikes to north korea, or some other military action. many said they were left in suspense for nine minutes, the time between the first and second tweet. the pentagon is afraid trump might announce military action via tweet. [ light laughter ] let's pray he never tweets about his lunch. "it's o

[ laughter ] this whole leak thing is turning trump into tarzan, "find now! leaks bad! melania wife! where melania? trump sad!" [ laughter ] but despite trumps claims that the media makes up source, his white house seems to think the leaks are very real. so real that they've become paranoid about them, leading white house press secretary sean spicer to try to crack down. >> according to politico, press secretary sean spicer met with about a dozen of his communication staffers last week to voice frustration over recent leaks. in that meeting, staffers were reportedly told to dump their government issued and personal phones for a phone check to prove they had nothing to hide. >> seth: but really, the best part of this story is this. spicer also warned the group of more problems if news of the phone checks and the meeting about leaks was leaked to the media. [ laughter ] so, spicer tried to crack down on leaks, by holding a meeting about leaks, warning people not to leak about the meeting about the leaks. and then his warning about the leaks was leaked to the media. [ laug

"the legend of tarzan" is in theaters and imax 3-d july 1st. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a taste so bold, yet so smooth, it could only be called, black silk, from folgers. a taste you could enjoy, fresh brewed, or one cup at a time. black silk, from folgers. innovative sonicare technology with up to 27% more brush movements versus oral b. get healthier gums in 2 weeks guaranteed. innovation and you. philips sonicare. save when you buy the most loved rechargeable toothbrush brand in america. we're going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. ♪ and now we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. ♪ degree dry spray. goes on instantly dry for a cleaner feel degree. it won't let you down. topped with freshly, house made dressingsll salads. and savory wood fired favorites. starting at 8.99. applebee's new wood fired grill salads starting at $8.99 for a limited time. only at applebee's ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. before we move on,

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[ laughter ] they got an epic 90-foot slide called tarzan. king of the jungle. [ laughter ] >> seth: wow thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, gene. that was beautiful. and it explains why you always come to work soaking wet. next up is yeji cha-beach, she is the winner of the t.s. elliot prize for poetry, and is the 8g band's music assistant. yeji's poem is entitled, "my job." ♪ >> "my job," by yeji cha-beach. getting their music, adjusting their stands. but what i mostly do is buy drugs for the band. [ laughter ] look closely at their eyes, they're all high, of course. [ laughter ] the amount of drugs they take could kill a horse. seth does coke. marnie does ice. [ laughter ] and eli, he'll try anything twice. why is fred always gone? it's not scientific, he's sobering up at the betty ford clinic. >> seth: wow thank you, yeji. that was fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] and fred, we miss you. but get better, buddy. it's important. [ applause ] up next is kenny coyle. kenny teaches poetry at the university of cambridge, is the winn

tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? two words: it heals.e different? how? with heat. unlike creams and rubs that mask the pain, thermacare has patented heat cells that penetrate deep to increase circulation and accelerate healing. let's review: heat, plus relief, plus healing, equals thermacare. the proof that it heals is you. nothing will keep you from magnum double caramel. silky vanilla bean ice cream & rich caramel sauce all covered in thick chocolate. discover magnum, double dipped for double chocolate pleasure. when laquinta.com sends craig wilson a ready for you alert the second his room is ready, ya know what he becomes? great proposal! let's talk more over g

i think we should've taken a tarzan know where tarzan go! tarzan does not know where tarzan go. hey, excuse me, do you know where the waterfall is? waterfall? no, me tarzan, king of jungle. why don't you want to just ask somebody? if you're a couple, you fight over directions. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. oh ohhhhh it's what you do. ohhhhhh! do you have to do that right in my ear? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. please, give it up for the 8g band right over there! [ cheers and applause ] also, he's back with us tonight and all week long, the drummer for the black keys, patrick carney is here. thank you so much -- >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: -- for being with us this week, patrick. now, as you know, 2016 presidential debate season -- full swing, super tuesday today. and if you're like me, the only complaint you have about the debates so far is that there haven't been nearly enough of them. so -- [ laughter ] so, excited to announce this. we're g